Blanche- Veronica, you make the best motor oil martinis around!
Veronica- [lost in fairyland] ...Blue birds, come back, little blue bids... [snaps head down] What that you say? Oh well see, I put DIRTY motor oil in it, that is the secret.
Blanche- Well whatever you do, hot damn! I be so frickin' drunk right now I could jest burst into song!
Veronica- Could that be a crappy lead into a song put in by a desperate writer who wanted to include a funny thing but couldn't think how to do it with style?
Blanche- What?
Veronica- Never you mind that, Blanche, go on, sing your song.
Blanche- *ahem*
I am a koala
I'm out of my mind
I smoke marijuana
And anything I find
I'm out in the open
Take your best shot
I see that's a lighter--
Can I light my pot?
And now that you've shot me
I've fallen down dead
Please save my marijuana
In the flower bed
The doctors, they saved me
I'm not bleeding anymore
They took my marijuana
Now I'm running for more
I found some on the sidewalk
In a ripped up old bag
I tried then to smoke it
But I started to gag
This isn't the real stuff!
'Cause it's oregano
I cannot get high now
I've never sunk so low
Veronica- That is the most beautiful thing I have ever heard in my life.
Blanche- You like it.
Veronica- Not as much as I like you. [She stands up drunkenly, then kneels down.]
Veronica- Blanche, this may be the motor oil talking, but Blanche,... I loves you.
Blanche- Now ain't this scene familiar, you down on your knees saying you loves me. IT DIDN'T WORK THE FIRST TIME, AND IT AIN'T GONNA WORK NOW!
Veronica- But Blanche, there ain't no Billy Bro Rev. Joe to walk in on us and spread our secret 'round town, and even so, well hell, there ain't a reason for a secret! Billy Bro Rev. Joe is dead! All my prayers have been answered, now I kin spend some real time with my true love. Blanche, I loves you more than, than, then I loves the smell of the worms after a good, hard rain!
Blanche- Veronica, don't say that!
Veronica- Yes, it is true, and I want your pot-smokin’ koala song to be the soundtrack of our love story!
Blanche- Lick my boot.
[Veronica starts licking her boot. Sally Joan and Sammie walk by. Sally Joan is on a leash with Sammie walking her.]
Sally Joan- Hi ya'll!
[Sammie tugs on leash.]
Sammie- Don't talk, bitch! Veronica, what you be doing?
[Veronica hastily gets up. ]
Veronica- Uh....
Blanche- Now Sammie, you know there ain’t no better way to take your dirt than to take it off a boot.
Sally Joan- I dunno, looks pretty sexual to me.
[Takes off leash and collar.]
Sally Joan- Let's play another game besides Walk the Worm. Let's play Veronica and Blanche. Git down on your knees bitch and lick my boot!!!
[Sammie glares. Sally Joan gets down on knees and puts on leash and collar.]
Sally Joan- Sorry ma'am, grovel or no grovel?
Sammie- Grovel.
Sally Joan- I am unworthy of thy holy sensual touch!
[Harry enters.]
Sally Joan- I am a worm!
Harry- Worms? I need worms.
Sammie- A sacrifice!
Harry- AHHH!
[Harry runs off screaming. Milli calls.]
Joe- AAAAHHH!!!
[Milli and Joe run away with Blanche chasing them.]
[Emberly and Sy come on, rolling a wheelbarrow. Slumped in the wheelbarrow is Pepper Annie, who is still unconscious.]
Emberly- ....we must find a proper place so that she may have her vision.
Sy- [breathing heavily, ignoring Emberly]...back-breaking, and already broken in several different places.
Emberly- Here is good.
Sy- But it's the middle of the dang woods!
Emberly- It is good enough, dammit! Where is the holy boot?
[Sy lifts up her foot, and sure enough, she is wearing the boot.]
Emberly- [shocked and dismayed] You are *wearing* the holy boot!
Sy- Well what else would I wear?
Emberly- Will ya take off the boot already?
Sy- Jim loves feet, now you beginning to sound like him.
Sally Joan- Oh, god save you!
[Emberly and Sy scream, finally noticing Sally Joan and Sammie.]
Sy- My gawd! You scared the livin' daylights out of me!
Emberly- Cain't you announce yourselves?
Sammie- [surveys the clearing] Doin' a little burying? We did all ours last night.
Sally Joan- It was special bonding time.
Emberly- No, this is sacred time.
Sy- We be puttin’ Pepper Annie in a special place so’s she may have her prophetic vision.
Sammie- I gotcha. [She winks.]
[Farmer Cubbins, Beaver, Colby, Jim, Freddie, Johnny, Harry, Sam and Joe all walk on.]
Sy- Jim! What the hell you be doin' outta the house? I told you, you ain't allowed to leave the damn house after dark! Remember what happened last time? Dammit, I don't wanna go wrestling no insane turtles agin!
Jim- But it is band practice, and people are with me!
Farmer Cubbins- That be right, I am formin' my punk band.
Emberly- Well you certainly got enough freaks.
[Betty walks on, followed by Sunny. All the guys try to look good for her.]
Betty- Freddie, what are you doing? In the woods? With these people, ewww...
[She looks around to Pepper Annie.
Betty- Well at least the fat girl is dead, or drunk.
Johnny- I bet drunk!
[Lucy runs in, still chased by Blanche.]
Blanche- Johnny! JOHNNY! GITCHER ASS BACK IN THAT CLOSET!
Colby- Wow, everyone sure does git their ass beat around by their woman, but I am in a man's relationship.
Beaver- Colby, shut up.
Colby- Yes sir.
Beaver- That ain't shutting up.
Sam- Sally Joan, Sammie? What are you 2 doing together?
Sally Joan- Why, uh...
Sammie- Screwing, got a problem with that bitch!?
[Rosie, Ni Ni and Nisi all walk on.]
Rosie- Whoa, is there a party?
Nisi- Yeah, everyone is here.
[She walks up to Colby.]
Ni Ni- Hey mister, I have had every man in these woods except you, wanna make my record perfect?
Colby- Mommy?
Ni Ni- Swamp boy?
Colby- MOMMY!
Ni Ni- You came home, swamp boy, you came home!
[They embrace.]
Emberly- Wait, wait, wait! Why the hell is everyone here?
Sy- Well, you an’ me are lugging about our friend who is in a coma and we are hoping that she will awaken out of it and become our god, that is a good excuse.
Farmer Cubbins- Me, Beaver, Colby, Jim, Freddie, Johnny, Harry, Sam and Joe are all here for band practice.
Betty- I am following Freddie because I thought he was dead.
Sunny- I followed Betty with the hope she will soon be dead.
Lucy- I ran here cuz I was being followed by my crazy mother.
Blanche- She won't marry her uncle, she deserves it.
Lucy- I want to marry my one true love, Ma. With our families keeping us apart and us being desperate young star-crossed lovers, this can only end in tragedy.
Blanche- I hope so, I got too many kids as it is, I needs a few to be bumped off.
Sally Joan- Me and Sammie wanna do our dominatrix thang.
Sammie- Yeah, so ya'll kin leave, now.
Rosie- I am here cuz I thought there was gonna be a party.
Ni Ni- I am here ‘cause I thought there would be sex, but it is even better, now that I have found my lost little swamp boy.
Nisi- I am here cuz I wanna kill some guys.
[Sammie looks at her, Nisi looks back. Nisi licks her lips and Sammie sucks one her finger. Sally Joan then grabs Sammie's finger and starts to almost pick her nose with it, just to show that Sammie is hers.]
Sally Joan- [growling] You jest watch it, missy.
Emberly- But, why must we do everything in the woods at night, and why do we keep on running into each other? It is a big woods.
[Pepper Annie sits up.]
Pepper Annie- Well, that is because this is a soap opera.
Beaver- A soap opera?
Sally Joan- What be that?
Pepper Annie- I dunno, I never used soap in my life.
Emberly- Wait! Pepper Annie, you are supposed to be in a coma right now!
Pepper Annie- Can't we just say that my clone is in a coma and I am here right now?
Embery- NO! GO BACK TO SLEEP!
Pepper Annie- But I don't wanna!
[Sammie throws a boot at her and she falls over.]
Jim- Can we all leave now?
Sy- No.
Blanche- Why not?
Colby- I am tired and scared.
Sally Joan- I am bored.
Sammie- So am I.
Sally Joan- Hey, I can think of something we can do!
[They start making out and fall into thick bushes.]
Colby- Are you trying give Sally Joan mouth to mouth resuscitation, cuz that ain’t her mouth; she don't breathe through that. [the light of realization dawns] Oh my god, that is NASTY! [he runs away.]
)to scene 3(
back to Beaver'c Creek
