Joe- Do you think that Blanche will ever give in, Lucy?
Lucy- No, she is a stubborn old bat, Joe, I just don't know what we can do!
Joe- Well, there is one option.
Lucy- What? What!
Joe- We can kill her.
Lucy- [Lucy slaps Joe upside the head]
Joe- Ow!
Lucy- Any other great ideas?
Joe- Move away from Beaver's Creek to git married somewhere else.
Lucy- Move away from Beaver's Creek? Oh, Joe, I love you but...
Joe- But what?
Lucy- I CAN'T!
Joe- Why not?
Lucy- Because....
[The room goes dark and there is a spotlight on Lucy, who is (all of a sudden) wearing a red dress and her dad Biff is playing an old piano in the corner and chewing on a cigar. Lucy starts singing the beginning like an old jazz song.]
Lucy-
Beaver's Creek is where my heart lies
Ever since I saw it with mine eyes
Beaver's Creek is where I'll stay
How could you ever try to take me away?
[Veronica wakes up from her nap and Milli joins her as the song goes ragtime...] ..
Veronica and Milli-
Beaver's Creek, you know that where she wants to be
Beaver's Creek, that's the place for me.
Beaver's Creek, we have one hell of a time
And you even end up losing your mind
Yet you try to take her away
What an unthoughtful thing to do!
For she loves Beaver's Creek--
Why can't you?
Joe- It isn't that I don't love Beaver's Creek, I just love Lucy better, and we need to get married!
[Sy, and Jim come into the tavern and take over.]
Sy and Jim- Marriage, are you a fool? Do you want her to use you and treat you like a tool? Trust us Joe, you 2 are just fine Getting married will make you cross the line.
Joe- Cross the line into what?
[Blanche, Emberly, Johnny, and all of their other children waltz through the door hand in hand.]
Blanche, Emberly, Johnny, and all of their other children-
Insanity!
That's what's wrong with me!
Insanity!
That's where you'll be.
So avoid going off
into the looney bin!
Don't get married!
Instead buy some more gin!
(Sy- Yeah!)
Veronica, Milli, Sy, Jim, Lucy, Blanche, Emberly, Johnny, and all of their other children-
Beaver's Creek, you know that where she wants to be
Beaver's Creek, that's the place for me.
Beaver's Creek, we have one hell of a time
And you even end up losing your mind
Yet you try to take her away
What an unthoughtful thing to do!
For she loves Beaver's Creek,
Why can't you?
[Freddie and Betty run in being chased by Sunny, who is wielding a large axe.]
Freddie and Betty-
Beaver's Creek, it's where everyone is insane
And even the ugliest people seem to get lain.
This town is very screwed up
And we would much like to pack up
But it seems like we are caught
And this attraction we have fought
And even though this town does reek
We still love Beaver's Creek!
[Sunny starts swinging her axe in time with the music.]
Freddie, Betty, Veronica, Milli, Sy, Jim, Lucy, Blanche, Emberly, Johnny, and all of their other children-
Beaver's Creek, you know that where she wants to be
Beaver's Creek, that's the place for me.
Beaver's Creek, we have one hell of a time
And you even end up losing your mind
Yet you try to take her away
What an unthoughtful thing to do!
For she loves Beaver's Creek,
Why can't you?
[Sally Joan comes in on her leash and Sammie has her rawhide whip. Colby and Beaver are also together.]
Sally Joan, Sammie, Colby and Beaver-
We love Beaver's Creek, yes we do
We love Beaver's Creek [They turn to their partners.]
Just as we love you!
Yes we are gay
And we like to play!
Where else but Beaver's Creek
Could we not have to be weak?
And flaunt our sexuality
Beaver's Creek, it is the place for me!
[Ni Ni, Nisi, Rosie and Farmer Cubbins run in. Applause erupts out of nowhere.]
Ni Ni, Nisi, Rosie and Farmer Cubbins-
We live in the sloppiest part of town
It's the type of place you want to go around
Any other city would make us try to reduce the smell
But in Beaver's Creek, we are the farmers in the dell!
[Sunny stops swinging the axe and starts thrashing the axe in time with the music, making people duck periodically]
Veronica, Milli, Sy, Jim, Lucy, Blanche, Emberly, Johnny, and all of their other children, Freddie, Betty, Nisi, Ni Ni, Rosie, Farmer Cubbins, Sally Joan, Sammie, Colby and Beaver-
Beaver's Creek, you know that where she wants to be
Beaver's Creek, that's the place for me.
Beaver's Creek, we have one hell of a time
And you even end up losing your mind
Yet you try to take her away
What an unthoughtful thing to do?
She loves Beaver's Creek,
Why can't you?
[Harry and Sam walk in scratching their heads.]
Harry and Sam-
We feel that we are missing something
Like a volcano that is erupting
But we just smile and nod
Otherwise, we’d seem like clods!
[Everyone lines up for the finale. People climb on bars and tables and fixtures, and basically go all out.]
Veronica, Milli, Sy, Jim, Lucy, Blanche, Emberly, Johnny, and all of their other children, Freddie, Betty, Nisi, Ni Ni, Rosie, Farmer Cubbins, Sally Joan, Sammie, Colby, Beaver, Harry and Sam-
Beaver's Creek, you know that where she wants to be
Beaver's Creek, that's the place for me.
Beaver's Creek, we have one hell of a time
And you even end up losing your mind
Yet you try to take her away
What an unthoughtful thing to do?
She loves Beaver's Creek,
Why can't you?
And we like to think that we sing and dance all the time
But in reality we make a pretty crappy rhyme
But it is fun, so join in the song
You sure can't make it any more wrong!
But please sir, give us your answer
Just for the sake of her
She loves Beaver's Creek,
Why can't you?
[Joe finally stands up.]
Joe-
All right, you have convinced me!
We will stay
And there'll be no more talk of going away
She loves Beaver's Creek
And I do too!
Everybody-
She loves Beaver's Creek
And you do too!
Farmer Cubbins- Now everyone! To the church for Health class!
Everybody- [leaving] Beeeeaver's Creek....
[When everyone is gone, Pepper Annie comes in holding her boot, and has a
wild look in her eyes.]
Pepper Annie- [singing slowly and deliberately]
Beaver's Creek will never be the same
I have seen their wishes
And I know my duty is to make them all act like fishes
Fishes swimming around in Beaver's Creek.
And I will be the one
Who controls how they swim
It isn't that ambition has come
And this isn't some whim
They told what to do
I met with the prophets
I must spread the message
And Pepper Annie will rule the day.
[The music stops.]
FOR GOD IS A WOMAN!
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