Ep. II Scene 2
[In the Moldy Lizard, Veronica and Sally Joan are having a discussion.
There is a man is sitting nearby, staring into a mug of beer. He doesn't seem to
be paying attention. Veronica is filling in Sally Joan in on some of the adventures
that happened while Sally Joan was away.]
Veronica- ...but it turned out that he was just a pimp anyway, so it didn't
really matter, but he sure did show that Jim up!
Sally Joan- Jim! He think he be above the higher power! But I knows that
it is the magical blue turtle who controls all of our destinies, our every
move! Look around at our lives, child. All this may seem like a crapload o' random stuff happenin'!
But it really all be plotted out. All the secrets in the world are written upon this shell.
And we must know how to read this shell, this shell
that is on… the Magical Blue Turtle. [She opens her hand to reveal a tiny, blue stone turtle]
Veronica- Sally Joan, you be much better…
Sally Joan- For only I have the power! the power to read, to understand this beautiful shell!
Veronica- When Billy Bro Rev. Joe…
Sally Joan- FOR I AM! I am! I AM The Magical Blue Fairy.
strange man who will later come to be known as Joe- Then where are your wings?
Sally Joan- You do not believe, and therefore you can not see the wings.
strange man who will later come to be known as Joe- I think you be making up
a whole load of crap.
Veronica- Like the one that's in your head?
strange man who will later come to be known as Joe- Do you think you're
better than me?
Sally Joan- I am the Magical Blue Fairy, I do not think…
strange man who will later come to be known as Joe- Obviously you don't think. I am Joe, and I can see that plain as day!
Sally Joan- I know.
Joe- [looks around, looking overwhelmed] You're all on crack!
[Harry walks in. Veronica smoothes her hair and smiles.]
Veronica- Hey, Harry!
Harry- Hey.
Veronica- Did you come to see your little pudding popped?
Harry- Popped? Caressed, fondled, licked, gently nibbled perhaps,
note I said GENTLY, but never popped.
Veronica- Huh?
[Pepper Annie walks in, black and blue all over and has many bandages.]
Veronica- I don't get it.
Joe- Do you seek answers?
Sally Joan- The Magical Blue Turtle knows all the answers.
Joe- All of life's answers can be found in a single…
Veronica- Seed?
Harry- Beer?
Sally Joan- Turtle!
Joe- Pop-tart!
Pepper Annie- There are no answers, are there really pop-tarts?
Harry- What is it with you people and popping things?
Sally Joan- What's a pop-tart?
Joe- You will never know the answers, my unenlightened friend! [stands up, pays for beer, and leaves.]
Sally Joan- He just insulted me!
Veronica- No, that was a compliment.
Sally Joan- Well he did call me his friend.
Harry- Who was that?
Pepper Annie- Who cares?
[Sy and Jim come in.]
Veronica- What happened to you, Pep?
Sy- Yeah, you look just like Veronica did after Billy Bro Rev. Joe got mad at
her.
Pepper Annie- Billy Bro Rev. Joe, damn, that man is Satan.
Harry- Who am I?
Pepper Annie- Satan the second.
Veronica- Aw, he's not that bad.
Jim- He makes me look good in comparison.
Sy- And God knows Jim is rock bottom.
Sally Joan- It isn't GOD! IT'S THE MAGICAL BLUE TURTLE!
Pepper Annie- Well I got plans for Billy Bro Rev. Joe.
Veronica- Pepper Annie! What be goin' round in your head?
Harry- Air.
[Pepper Annie throws her mug at him and he falls off the barstool. Veronica
leaves to go get more drinks.]
Pepper Annie- I think it be high time that that Mister Billy Bro Rev. Joe had a
little accident.
Sy- Like the one that Harry just had?
Sally Joan- Will the Magical Blue Turtle accidentally damn him?
Jim- Darn him!
Pepper Annie- I was more thinking that he would accidentally git shot.
Sally Joan- How would you manage that?
Sy- Why would he shoot himself?
Jim- He is stupid but not that stupid.
Sy- I don't know 'bout that. I once saw him with his head in the town latrine, he was makin' slurpin' noises 'n' all, an' I asked him what in tarnation he was doin', an' he says he be lookin' for his chicken, Maybelle. An' I says, "What's Maybelle doin' in the town latrine?" an' he says, "Well, she disappeared, and I heard God tell me she was in there." Well, I jest happen to know that Veronica gave me Maybelle for my party! She was a tasty gal.
Harry- Veronica is a tasty gal!
[everyone stares at Harry]
Jim- [to Sy] You had a party?
Sy- You was the only guest, stupid.
Jim- [smiling] Oh yeah.
Pepper Annie- [rolling her eyes] Anyway, he the reverend wouldn't *really* shoot himself, I would shoot him!
Sy- I got a peashooter you can borrow. [she pulls out a straw and a pea]
Sally Joan- Ooo! I want one!
Sy- I use it to keep Jim in line.
Jim- What do you mean?
[Sy shoots it at Jim. He falls over next to Harry, who is still on the floor.]
Sally Joan- How many dead bodies will there be by the end of the day?
Sy- But Pepper Annie! How will you know if it is right to kill him?
Pepper Annie- When isn't it right to kill him?
Sy- Don't you know about them 2 prophets who live just at the edge of Farmer Cubbins' property?
Pepper Annie- Wait, here comes Veronica, I don't want word of this
mentioned!
[Veronica comes back, with a tray of drinks]
Veronica- So what were y'alls talkin' about?
Sy- Prophets.
Veronica- Prophets? In Beaver's Creek?
Sally Joan- The ones that live on Farmer Cubbins' farm.
Veronica- Farmer Cubbins? Who be he?
Sally Joan- Tennesse Pride forever!!!
Veronica- But we be in West Virginia! How can you turn your back on your
state like this? Why, if it wasn't for us then we wouldn't be able to marry
our cousins!
Sy- No, Farmer Cubbins owns Tennessee Pride. He cuts the meat with his own hands, on his own bed, he says.
Veronica- Oh, wait, is he the old guy that wants to be a punk rocker?
Sy- That would be he.
Veronica- I done met him, a couple of times.
Sy- Right, but anyway there be these two prophets that live on his farm.
Pepper Annie- Really? They may be useful to my plot.
Veronica- What plot?
Pepper Annie- [twiddles her thumbs nervously] My plot about life.
Veronica- But why would you need to see a prophet?
Pepper Annie- To ask them questions.
Veronica- About what?
Sy- Stuff.
Veronica- Really?
Sy- Yep.
[Veronica wipes the counter down and there is silence for a few minutes. Sy
finally jumps up on the bar and starts screaming:]
Sy- Enough of this torturous interrogation! Please, I'll tell, I'll tell,
just don't yell at me! Pepper Annie has a sadistic plot to kill Billy Bro
Rev. Joe! And Sally Joan killed Jim!
Sally Joan- That's a lie!
Veronica- What?
Pepper Annie- How strong you make these drinks, girl?
Veronica- Oh, well. So you weren't planning on killing Billy Bro Rev. Joe.
[They all shake their heads.]
Veronica- Aw, too bad. She pulls out gun. Because I was thinking of nailing
the mofo myself.
Pepper Annie- Well, maybe we were.
Sally Joan- But it was Sy that killed Jim.
[Jim stands up, groaning.]
Sally Joan- IT'S A GHOST!
Jim- I have a bump on my head.
Sally Joan- NO! Back where you came from, fiendish imp!!!
Jim- It hurts.
Sally Joan- You're dead! DEAD, I tell you! Sy killed you!
Sy- I kill him every night!
Pepper Annie- PLEASE! Too much information! Vivid pictures are bad!
Sy- Vivid actions are better.
Veronica- So you are gonna kill my husband?
Pepper Annie- Um…
Veronica- Can I help?
[Lucy runs in screaming. She is obviously in a panic. When she comes in,
everyone looks shocked. Veronica drops the drinks she is holding.]
Veronica- Lucy!
Lucy- Oh Auntie Ronnie, you gotta help me!
Pepper Annie- Wait? Ain't you Blanche's little girl?
Sally Joan- I thought you ran away because you didn't want to marry your
brother!
Sy- Why you look so scared, girl?
Lucy- He's alive!
Sally Joan- Oh don't be scared of the Magical Blue Turtle, even though he may
be the all powerful ruling lord of the earth it don't mean that he be
frightening. Honestly, you be as bad as Sam.
Lucy- No! In the closet!
Jim- Oh, are you one of them squeamish girls? Take it from me, when you see
a rat, stroke it and he'll become your best friend. See... [pulls out rat from coat pocket] This
here be named Pythons, I like my Pythons.
Lucy- I came home, and Blanche, she sent me in the closet.
Sy- She sends all her kids in the closet.
Jim- Hell, she even sent me in the closet.
Sy- Oh hesh up, you so ugly you belong in the closet.
Jim- Bitch!
Lucy- And you know how there be the body of Johnny in there?
Pepper Annie- He's been dead for years!
Sally Joan- Oh that must smell.
Lucy- Well, he moved!
Veronica- Honey, that be called seasoning, it be white and moves…
Pepper Annie- It tastes nice.
Lucy- I know the difference between seasoning and living things dammit, and I
think Pa may be alive.
[Everyone gasps]
Veronica- No!
Sy- Impossible!
Sally Joan- We must consult the turtle!
Jim- Damn!
Pepper Annie- Will somebody please think of the food!
Harry- [waking up] DEFTONES!
Veronica- Oh go back to sleep. [throws shoe at him. Harry collapses.]
Pepper Annie- But how did you know that Johnny was alive and that one of the
kids wasn't just kickin' him?
Lucy- Well, he said, "I'm a Native American, so you can shove it up your arse!"
Sy- Only Johnny had a cockney accent and was an Injun.
Sally Joan- What will Blanche say?
Lucy- NO!
Veronica- Actually more like, "KILL HIM AGAIN!"
Lucy- No, I mean my mother can't find out.
Sy- Why?
Lucy- Because, Ma's already pretty pissed at me.
Pepper Annie- Well what did you ever do to her?
Lucy- I didn't want to marry my cousin.
Jim- Marriage ain't that bad.
Sy- Whatever made you think we be married?
Lucy- But you know Ma, she always gots to have her way!
Sy- Run away naked, child! Run while there's still time!
Sally Joan- Oh I do!
Pepper Annie- PLEASE, PEOPLE! Can't we just keep our clothes on for five
minutes?
All- NO!
Jim- Sy…
Sy- Jim…
Jim- You thinkin' what I thinkin'?
Sy- Let's go! I'll get Charlie/Chicken/Jeff!
Veronica- What do you need your sheepdog for?
Pepper Annie- Some things are better left unknown.
Sy- Shet up, Pep! He jest guards the door. One time Billy Bro Rev. Joe tried to come in with one o' his chickens. We set Charlie /Chicken/Jeffon him. Charlie/Chicken/Jeff been standin' guard ever since.
[They leave. Harry wakes up.]
Harry- Where are they going?
Veronica- Goin' to get naked.
Harry- Will you play with me? In a special way?
Veronica- Will you play with me? In a special way?
Harry- No.
Veronica- Let's go.
[They leave.]
Pepper Annie- Nobody got any respect nowadays, nobody.
Sally Joan- Hmm, I think its high time I waked Sam up from his nap.
[Sally leaves.]
Pepper Annie- I'm all alone!
[Beaver and Colby come in, all over each other.]
Pepper Annie- PLEASE! [Runs out the door]
[Freddie walks by.]
Pepper Annie- TRUEST LOVEST!
[chases Freddie]
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