Ep. III Scene 3
[At night, in the. Pepper
Annie, Sy, and Jim are walking, and they are all armed;Sy is in the lead, with her
peashooter and a map, Pepper
Annie is carrying her shotgun and a telescope and
Jim is dragging behind
holding the lantern and some rope. Charlie/Chicken/Jeff is following.]
Sy- Keep up, Jim! I need the lantern to read the
map!
Pepper Annie- Is it really necessary to visit
these prophets at night?
Sy- Yes, night is the only time you can look upon
them without facing their wrath.
Jim- But you always see these people in the
afternoon.
Sy- [shoots pea at him] Shet up, or your feel my
wrath!
Jim- Why can't I talk? I never get to talk!
Pepper Annie- Sure you do! You can talk when we
ain't around.
Sy- I need to be able to read the map.
Pepper Annie- But I thought you'd come here
before.
Sy- I have.
Pepper Annie- THEN WHY DO YOU NEED A MAP?!
Jim- Shush up, do you want us to get lost?
Pepper Annie- Lost? We can get lost!
Sy- We're lost! Jim, how could you get us lost!
Jim- I didn't get us lost, Pepper Annie got us
lost.
Pepper Annie- Well Sy is the one holding the durn
map!
Sy- Oh sure, just put all the blame on the guide!
Pepper Annie- IT'S YOUR FAULT!!!
Sy- Well *you* shouted that we were lost.
Jim- I only said, "Do you wanna get us lost?"
Pepper Annie- And I only asked whether we was lost.
Sy- Oh.
[They stand around for awhile, doing nothing.]
Jim- So we aren't lost. That's always good to
know.
Sy- Well we were never lost!
Pepper Annie- What do you mean?! Are we lost now?
Sy- A little.
Jim- How can you be a LITTLE lost?
Sy- Well, we weren't, but then I thought we were.
Pepper Annie- So?
Sy- Well then I panicked.
Pepper Annie- You panicked?
Sy- Well you know I can't think when I panic, I
just get all hot and sweaty and all I can think about are cows, and....
Pepper Annie- Are we lost now?
Sy- Lemme think. [Stands there staring at map.
She gets distracted and starts singing:]"My bonny lies over the ocean, my bonny lies over the sea..."
Pepper Annie and Jim- WELL!
Sy- Well no, I actually have a little cold.
Pepper Annie- [hits Sy] Don't make bad puns!
Are we lost?
Sy- Hmm, well according to my calculations....
Pepper Annie- Just say yes or no.
Sy- Well fine, if it is going to come down to
that....but I will have you know that a single word answer is not sufficient to draw an accurate judgement
from. I mean if it did, then....
Pepper Annie and Jim- ARE WE LOST?!
Sy- Yes.
Pepper Annie- Well this is perfect, just perfect!
Jim- Shh! I think I hear something.
[Sally Joan and Sammie are making out in the
bushes.]
Pepper Annie- SALLY JOAN!
Jim- Sammie!
Sally Joan- Oh, why, who, when, what you doin' here?
Sy- I could ask you the same question.
Pepper Annie- You just did!
Sy- Oh, well why are you hear?
Sally Joan- Uh...
Sammie- To screw.
Pepper Annie- Sally Joan, I am ashamed of you.
Why, Sam be treating you like a goddess and you be off fooling around with his twin sister? There is
no respect for marriage nowadays, none at all.
[Billy Bro Rev. Joe walks by.]
Pepper Annie- HUSBAND OF MY BEST FRIEND AND SWORN ENEMY! I'LL KILL YOU!! [runs off]
Sy- Now look what happened, Jim! You scared Pepper Annie away!
Sally Joan- But what were you doin' here in the
first place?
Sammie- And why do you need a rope?
Sally Joan- Now Sammie, people do it all kinds of different ways now. We ain't in the place to judge. If they be into all that kinky stuff then that be their business.
Sy- NO! We be here to see the prophets!
Sammie- Oh, you mean Rosie, Ni Ni and Nisi?
Sy- Yup.
Sammie- But why you be goin' this way? [points in opposite direction.] Farmer Cubbins' farm is that way.
Jim- But the map says...
Sally Joan- Lemme see that! [examines it] It's upside down.
Sy- Oops! Oh well, lets go. Starts walking in
wrong direction.
Sammie- Uh Sy, that way!
Jim- Wait! Where's Pepper Annie?
Sy- Oh right, she was the one that wanted to see
them in the first place.
Sally Joan- But she went off to kill Billy Bro
Rev. Joe!
Sy- NO! The time is not right! Come back Pepper
Annie! COME BACK!
Jim- She can't hear you.
Sy- DON'T TALK BACK TO ME! [shoots pea at him]
Jim- Ow!
Sy- Great, now we lost Pepper Annie, and we are
all alone and lost in the woods without Pepper Annie to protect us.
Jim- Protect us from what?
Sally Joan- We have the magical blue turtle to
protect us!
Jim- We are all alone with evil flying blue
snapping turtles! AH! SAVE MY PYTHONS! [He jumps into Sy's arms and she falls over.]
[Pepper Annie comes back. Her dress is ripped and she is covered in mud.]
Sy- What happened to you?
Pepper Annie- Let's go.
Sammie- Did the chickens attack you?
Pepper Annie- Shut up, lesbian.
Sammie- Not just a lesbian but a dyke! Do you hear me, an all-out bull dyke!
[They leave. Betty comes in with Sunny trailing
behind.]
Betty- Beaver! Beaver are you there?
Beaver- Betty love!
[They embrace.]
Betty- Oh honey, I have missed you!
Beaver- Oh I have missed your cookies!
[They kiss passionately. Sunny gags.]
Beaver- Did you hear something?
Betty- Only the beating of my heart.
Beaver- No, that was probably my stomach. I had
some *good* pork and beans.
Betty- Oh, I love you!
Beaver- I love you too!
Betty- Oh can you feel the sentiment!
Beaver- What's sentiment?
Betty- What I'm feeling right now.
Beaver- Oh, like what we are gonna do later...
Betty- That's antici...
Beaver- ...like sex.
[Sunny nods and Beaver gives a little jump.]
Betty- ...pation.
Beaver- Oh, can we go sentiment now?
[Freddie walks into view]
Freddie- Ew! Cooties!
Beaver- COOTIES! [screams girlishly and runs away.]
Betty- Freddie! Now look what you've done!
Freddie- I'm sorry, but girls have cooties and
she was giving you her cooties.
Betty- That was a boy! I'm a girl!
Freddie- Aaaahhhh! COOTIES!
[Lucy and Blanche enter]
Blanche- ....but recently I have been hearing these shouts from the closet.
Lucy- That's prolly your kids.
Blanche- Shut up! I know each of my children's
voices by heart.
Lucy- Well maybe something is growing in there.
Blanche- I don't know, do you think that Johnny
could be...?
Lucy- Alive?
Blanche- NO! We killed Johnny!
Lucy- Are you sure?
Blanche- Well it was a long time ago! [thinks]
Hey! Don't you dare question your momma! I raised you!
Lucy- Not for long!
Blanche- Well, I did throw you out.
Lucy- I ran away.
Blanche- Just because you didn't want to marry
your cousin!
Lucy- I would rather not marry one of my
relatives.
Blanche- That's it! You wanna leave?
Lucy- Yes.
Blanche- Well that's it, you're staying.
[Lucy sees Joe hiding in the bushes.]
Lucy- Do I hear Pepto Bismol friskin' with the
mailman again?!
Blanche- I'll kill that bitch! That be MY
mailman.
[Blanche leaves, and Joe comes and kisses her.]
Lucy- Oh Joe! I have missed you so much.
Joe- I have missed you too!
Lucy- I have been working on my mother.
Joe- Your mother looks very familiar.
Lucy- Probably from your worst nightmares.
Joe- Yeah, that's it.
Lucy- Listen, she works at the general store all
day, so we will have the shack all to ourselves. Well, there will also be the 56 other kids, but we can just ignore them.
Joe- Are they like you? Because if so...
[Lucy hits him.]
Joe- What was that for?
Lucy- I want NO talk of damn insects. I hate the very idea of it now come on.
[Joe looks worried, but leaves with Lucy.
)to scene 4(
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