Ep. II Scene 3
[It is at the general store. It is completely filled with junk, and there are flies all around. Blanche is behind the counter; she has her cigarettes and is holding a fly swatter, which she waves around with every point. Colby keeps on ducking the fly swatter. Blanche is telling him about her late husband Johnny.]
Blanche- But Johnny, was a real bitch. You know he didn't like skunk? I mean, 3 of the kids were named after it. I mean, Johnny smelled like crap, but he said that they smelled bad. Anyways, he took lotsa them pink pills, yes, the very same ones! And, well… it was the same effect as before, only five times worse. Hell, that boy had no sense at all. DAMN
FLIES! [flails fly swatter frantically around her head]
Colby- Could you watch out where you be swingin' that thing? You's hittin' me.
Blanche- What, you don't like it when I do this?
[swings it in Colby's face] And this? [does it again] And this? [again] Or this? [again]
Huh, do you like that?
SAY MY NAME BITCH, SAY MY NAME!
[Blanche begins to beat Colby mercilessly.]
Colby- Blanche, Blanche, Blanche!
Blanche- Am I your love god?
[Beaver and Jim walk enter the store.]
Colby- Yes, you are my love god.
Blanche- Goddess, I am your love goddess!
Colby- Goddess, you are my love goddess!
Blanche- You makin' fun of my accent bitch?
Colby- No ma'am!
Blanche- You son of a hussy!
[Blanche beats Colby furiously and accidentally hits Jim. No matter, new target.
Blanche jumps on Jim and beats even harder. Jim begins to scream.
Utter chaos erupts.
Colby clings to Beaver in terror, who is obviously disgusted by the whole scene.]
Beaver- Get off of me!
Colby- No! Save me from the short angry one!
Jim- AAAAAHHHH! Help me! Help me!
Colby- Save me! Save me!
[Pepper Annie enters.]
Pepper Annie- Hey now, Colby, git off of Beaver! There is a time and a place to express your love, but dammit, now ain't it!
[Pepper Annie eagerly joins the fight. Everyone wrestles around,
knocking things off shelves and counters.]
[Pepper Annie suddenly stands in the middle of the raging group,
oblivious to the fighting going on around her.
Freddie and Betty walk into the store, look around, and leave.
Pepper Annie, angered at the couple's non-involvement,
redirects her anger toward Blanche with her fists, who is biting Jim's leg,
who is kicking Colby, who is clinging to Beaver. Everyone falls down in a heap and Pepper Annie sits on them. Colby begins to whimper.]
Pepper Annie- Now look what y'all made me do. I jus' lost track of mine truest lovest. See what all these affairs have led us too! Blanche, you's married to that corpse Johnny. How can you leave him like that? And for Colby, who is obviously in love with Beaver.
And Jim, jus' 'cause Sy ain't got no job right now don't mean that she ain't your lover. Why can't we all love each other?
Colby- [crying] I love you Beaver!
Beaver- [not crying] I love you Colby!
Colby- I love you more!
Beaver- I love you more!
Beaver- No, I love you more!
Colby- Me!
Beaver- Me, dammit!
[Beaver and Colby start fighting. Pepper Annie pulls them apart.]
Blanche- Anyways, what can I do fer you?
Pepper Annie- I need bullets!
Blanche- Why? Gonna rob the Moldy Lizard?
Pepper Annie- Nah. They's gots one of them metal boxes.
Blanche- I should really gets mahself one o' those. I jus' leave the money behind the counter. Now, we gots these bullets.
[shows Pepper Annie some large, evil-looking metal capsules]
Pepper Annie- But I ain't got a gun for those.
Blanche- We also got the gun!
Pepper Annie- I'll take it!
[She hands Blanche some cash and a few meal tickets.]
Blanche- [smelling the meal tickets hungrily] Meal tickets, my favorite meal!
Jim- You mean they buy you your favorite meal.
Blanche- Bitch, if they bought me meals I woulda said so. No, these is delicious! [Blanche pops one into her mouth.]
Colby- Hey, why would anyone wanna rob the Moldy Lizard?
Blanche- [swallows noisily] For adventure.
Colby- So robbin' a store would be wild?
Beaver- Real wild, 'specially if it was one like this here general store.
Colby- Hmm.
Pepper Annie- Boy, you be thinking'
Colby- Maybe.
Blanche- Bitch! Thinkin' rots the mind!
Jim- My mind's in prime condition!
[Veronica and Sy come in looking very disappointed.]
Veronica- Issall alright, Sy, we can git a new floor.
Pepper Annie- Hey Sy, how's the job?
Sy- I won't work for such a piece o' crap!
Blanche- What? Biff and Milli ain't such pieces o' crap.
Jim- They only eats it.
Blanche- Really? Hey Ron, tell 'em I gots some
high grade manooer over here!
Sy- No, the bar don't take up for abuse.
Pepper Annie- And the people that go there is even worse. You jump on their lap jus' once, an' they start complaining that their manhood's broken.
Beaver- You broke some guys' manhoods?
Jim- [turning angrily to Sy] I thought you was out of that business!
Dammit, you only crack mine, none others!
Sy- No! I ain't do nuttin' stupid like that!
Pepper Annie- Hey, it takes some real thinkin' to do it!
Colby- I know, it took me a while to figure it out!
Beaver- Well you are jus' stupid!
Colby- Ain't!
Blanche- Well then what the hell happened?
Veronica- You know how Johnny liked to pop that acid?
Blanche- That may have been why he died.
Beaver- You spilled acid?!
Sy- No! I ain't that dumb!
Veronica- She spilled wine.
Sy- It was more like vinegar.
Colby- [sniffs the air] Oh, it must be jus' impossible to get the smell out o' your frocks! [Sy glares at him] Well, it is!
Sy- No, I be dang good at washing.
Jim- Jus' not my clothes.
Blanche- I can't wash worth shit!
Sy- And the bottle should have been labeled!
Beaver- You put acid in your frock?!
Sy- No! I put gin in my frock. But it should
have been labeled.
Veronica- It was.
Sy- That wasn't the kinda gin I wanted to use.
Beaver- How does the acid tie into all of this?
Veronica- But it got the stain out!
Sy- Barely!
Blanche- I can't tell the difference from the
rest of the dirt, 'cept for if there's a clean spot.
Sy- That is the problem, if I had used the right
kinda gin it would have all blended in.
Beaver- So you used the acid to make it all blend in?
Sy- NO!
Colby- Let her tell the story.
Sy- Putting the gin back I knocked over…
Beaver- Johnny's old acid and it spilled all over the floor, eating through it?
Sy- No. I knocked over some crackers.
Veronica- And the crumbs fell into the floor.
Sy- And then the rats came.
Jim- You hate rats!
Sy- I love rats!
Beaver- So then you poured acid on to the rats
and it ate away the floor!
Sy- NO!
Veronica- The rats ate away the crumbs and the floor.
Sy- And then there was this customer, and he was a prick…
Beaver- So you threw acid on him?
Sy- NO!
Veronica- She just threw him.
Sy- ....into the pit that the rats had created.
Beaver- And then your poured acid on him?
Sy- NO!
Beaver- When are you gonna get to the acid?
Sy- There was no acid!
Beaver- Then why did you mention it?
Veronica- I was gonna give the rest of it to
Blanche!
Beaver- NO! Acid is dangerous.
Blanche- You are thinking of the wrong kinda
acid.
Beaver- Oh… Johnny used to take the acid that is
in butter.
Blanche- Yeah, that's it.
Beaver- I am so smart!
Sy- But now I don't got a job anymore!
Veronica- I don't have anyone to help me with the cockfight!
Pepper Annie- Something will help you out Ron.
Sy- But what 'bout me? Does any of you have a
job that I could help you with?
Blanche- I could help you there!
Sy- REALLY? I could run the general store!
Blanche- No! But, I need someone to help me with
the dump.
Sy- I could find the stuff that you sell?
Blanche- No, I was more thinking you carry back
the really smelly stuff.
Sy- Sounds like fun!
Jim- Come on Sy, let's go celebrate! [raises his eyebrows invitingly]
Sy- [blushing slightly] I'm coming!
[Sy and Jim leave.]
Pepper Annie- Beaver, it is time to get your hair
done!
Beaver- Can you do Beaver Jr.'s too? [picks up pet beaver that appeared out of nowhere]
[Pepper Annie and Beaver leave.]
Blanche- Gimme that acid, Ron! [grabs a small plastic bag from Veronica]
Ah, I'm gonna go in the back for a while. [She trots off to the back with her acid, looking very happy.]
Colby- Ron, I gots this great idea to be wild, I'm gonna…
[talks happily to himself]
Veronica- I have to go plan a cockfight; I can't
help you out anymore. You're on your own now. [She leaves]
Colby- ....rob this here general store!
[Blanche opens the door and sticks her head out.]
Blanche- What was that?
Colby- Nutt'n'. [laughs maniacally]
[Betty comes in.]
Betty- You're on acid too?
) to ep. II scene 4 (
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