When I was young, my parents often talked with me about God and the world. They told me that the world was a messed up place, where people hurt each other and themselves. That humanity was in trouble and there is nothing that we can do about it. I thought that was very sad. To envision the human race marching forward into nothing but darkness and defeat is not something I cared to dwell on.
Yet my parents also told me something else, that there was a God and that He was not sitting idly by as humanity was destroyed. In fact, He had personally come to earth to start to set things right, but not in a way in which humans might expect. He died in human form so that the wrongs of humanity might be punished and justice preserved, but at the same time, that His creation be granted an option other than that of alienation from Him. God has given us a choice, to admit our mistakes and accept His offer, or to refuse.
Even though I was very young, I knew that I had made mistakes, things in the past that I could not change.1 So, one evening I got together with my parents in our living room, and while sitting on our sofa, I asked God for His help and invited Him to take an active role in my life.
To me, duty and obligation were the pillars of a good life. One had to keep from bad things and to do good ones. Things such as going to church and doing well in school were very important. When I was older I was tired of going to "church" which I felt was dull and repetitive. My parents asked me to stick with it but reluctantly agreed to let me stop. They asked that I try again in a year when I could be with older kids. I did and liked the new atmosphere, at least for a while.
The first two years of high school presented both new joys and new sorrows. I struggled a great deal with depression and stress. I was also confronted with the fact that God wishes for people to associate with Him out of love and respect for Him, as opposed to a cold sense of duty. Duty was how I had done things as long as I could remember and I had no idea how to change. I became increasingly involved with social events surrounding school and with the friends that I had there. I felt more strongly the separation between God and school. I also became more concerned for my friends and started inviting them to go to meetings, though this quickly became sporadic and short-lived. As I spiraled down deeper and for longer periods I imagine that I often became fairly withdrawn.
Things bottomed out the summer before my sophomore year with the death of my 13 year old sister. I was only a little over two years older than her and 16 at the time. She died in the emergency room at the hospital while I was out of town at a friend's house for the weekend. The cause was the tearing of her aorta due to a medical condition she had had since birth. Though in the back of my family's mind we had known that something like this was possible, it caught us completely off guard despite regular monitoring and medication. Life as I knew it halted completely... Through the experience I was able to see my parents operate during a time of tragedy. I was faced with regrets at time wasted and misused. I was forced to deal with the loss of one very dear.
During the first several months after the death of my sister, the tragedy served to compound my previous depression and to weigh me down further. Just before it had happened, I had been wrestling with my beliefs and what I thought about God. On one occasion the mental strife went so far that I sat up in bed and felt a sensation of being physically weary. I shut Him out and did not ask for His guidance. Afterwards however, I experienced the occasional insight that I could not make it without Him. I knew better than to really believe that a girl could solve all of my problems. I had already done well academically and knew it to be unfulfilling in its own right. I was never drawn to drugs as the experiences did not seem to outweigh the consequences. I continued to look to the world for joy and found none. I started to give up on my previously iron will to study. Duty did not matter so much anymore. Never did it slip completely but its hold on me was loosened.
Over that next year I realized that though terrible things seemed to happen, God was good and His promises were those of hope and joy. This came to me partially by watching my parents and their reaction to my sister's death. I knew they were hurt but they pulled through so much better than I could have imagined. My knowledge of God's promises of eternal life2, taking care of us here on earth3, and of His love for us4 became very applicable and a lot more real. This knowledge increased my respect and appreciation for the Lord. I recognized Him more for the Father He is, rather than a cosmic taskmaster. I was better able to reconcile my sister's death but the sadness of her disappearance has never left me.
Since high school I have tried to listen to God and what he has for my life. I told myself that I could never teach, or help people, or succeed at friendships. I hoped that maybe I could study and answer hard questions. He has proven me wrong. I have been challenged to do many things that I thought I couldn't but He has helped me along the way. Now I am able to have a personal impact with people that I never thought was possible. I have learned a lot about knowing people and what it means to be a good friend. I am much less convicted about wasting my life because I know that I'm not. Many things in life will not be with us even a few years in the future. But I know that what God offers lasts more than a lifetime.
It's free to anyone who asks.5
