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This is going to be one of the hardest things that I have had to do but it also something that I have to do. I have been trying to avoid this moment. I am dreading this. I hope this will be one battle that I can win, but I know deep down, that it could the one battle that I lose. Ever since I married Michelle, I became painfully aware that it would be something that would always been lurking in the corner.
Since our marriage, Michelle and I have had to deal with some many obstacles, and I would be a fool to actually believe that I could pretend that this day would never come. And now that it has come, I feel so terrified, so afraid that I will lose the one good thing that has happened to me. It is funny to think that the people who would never have any association with me because I was a Santos, would become forced to accept me as Michelle’s husband. If I had not married Michelle, I would have never been invited to a party thrown by the Lewis or the Spauldings. Yet still, even with Michelle by my side, I feel so out of place among her family and friends. I try to not let it bother me but I can’t help it.
It still hurts knowing that the Lewis, the Spauldings, the Bauers label me as a Santos, that they can’t seem to get past my last name. Not that it is something new, I have had to deal with this my whole life, everyone thinks that you are better than them. I just wished that marrying Michelle, people would see me as more than being part of a mob family. To everyone in Springfield, I am Carmen Santos son, so that means that I am bad and evil, but I want them to realize that they are wrong, that I am better than Mama and Mick.
For the last couple of weeks though, I had begun to notice that something was different with Michelle. I could sense that there was something wrong, but everytime I asked her, she would just smile and tell me that school was wearing her out. Michelle has the ability to light up a room, she manages to draw our attention to her in a room, but lately, I was aware that the glint in her eyes that I loved so much was not there anymore. I was just hoping that if something was wrong then Michelle was able to confided in someone, but I have to admit, that it hurts when she can’t confide in me. It feels that she does not trust me enough or she is afraid of how I might react.
As days passed, I finally realized that I had to find out what was wrong with her, but I knew that a lot of people would not be willing to help me. They would just blame me, saying that the reason something was wrong is because Michelle is married to the mob. I just can’t hear that especially when that is not true. Why can’t people understand that I love my wife?
After Michelle left for school, I decided that it was time to take some action. Business could wait. Before it went any farther, I would find out what Michelle was hiding from me. I knew that Rick would not be thrilled to see me, and this could the thing that he could use to get Michelle away from me.
Despite Michelle’s influence, Rick was still my biggest detractor. To him, I was not good enough for his little sister, and no matter what I did, he would always find fault with me. There was Bill. He might know but he would probably get on my case too. Drew. I actually had to laugh that thought, she was probably too consumed in consoling Jesse to be bothered.
Jesse. It hurts just to say that name. I know that Michelle is past Jesse but still, I can’t help but wonder if Michelle still confided in him. God, I hope not. That would hurt so much to know that your own wife would rather confided in her ex-boyfriend than her husband.
Taking a deep breath, I pick the phone and dial a number that I never thought that I would call. As I hung up the phone, I noticed the picture that I found the previous night. It was a picture of Papa and I. It was taken at my cousin’s wedding. It was such a beautiful day, and so happy, it was a day that for a while I was able to forget about the dangers of being in my family. A day filled with so much hope. It was also the last time that my father would be with his entire extended family. Fighting back tears, I grabbed my leather jacket and went to my car. I just hope that this visit would give me some answers.
This is ridiculous, I tell myself. I have been sitting in the car for ten minutes. I can’t make myself get out of the car. On the way here, I almost turned around and went back home. I can’t believe that something so trivial can make me so nervous. Day and day out, I have had to deal with real danger, and I have become so used to it, that it is like second nature to me. Silently cursing myself, I finally get out of the car and go to the door. Before I can knock, the door swings open.
“Danny! I thought I recognized your car. Please come in.”
My nerves start to calm down when Abby gives me a big smile. She is the one person that has been genuinely nice to me since my marriage to Michelle. I have leaned on Abby’s support over the past couple of months, she was the one who always defended me and I relished that.
“Abby. I am sorry that I didn’t call. It is just that I wanted to talk to you,” my eyes sweep over the kitchen. I am bracing myself just in case Rick makes an appearance.
Abby must have noticed my apprehension because she gives me a sympathetic smile, and tells me that Rick is at the hospital.
“Danny, you are family, and I don’t mind that you came by. It is nice to see you. Michelle has been telling me that you have been really busy with work. And I know that school is keeping Michelle busy.”
I have to smile when Abby calls me “family” because she really does make me feel like part of the family. I can understand why Michelle loves her so much. I can see how happy Michelle is when she is with Abby. She becomes another person.
I nervously clear my throat. “Yeah, I am sorry that I could not come to dinner the other night. Michelle said that she had a good time. Look, Abby, I wanted to talk to you about something. It’s just that.. that..” My voice starts to falter
Abby looks up from the tea kettle with concerned eyes. “Is there something wrong, Danny? You sound so sad. If there is anything that I can do..”
“I am fine, Abby. It is Michelle. I have been worried about her. I don’t know, how to explain it is like she lost her fire, her spirit..” As soon as I say that I regret it. I can’t let people believe that I destroy the goodness in Michelle. I can’t. I can’t bear the thought that being married to me has destroyed her spirit. I do not want Michelle to become a shell of what she used to be.
Abby smiles. “Danny, I have never known Michelle to lose her spirit for every long. I am sure that she is just pressured with school. But if you think that something is wrong, then maybe you should talk to her.”
“I have tried. I really have,” I am pleading with Abby, trying to make her believe me. I can’t bear Abby thinking that I am neglecting my own wife. “but everytime, I ask Michelle, she just brushes the question aside. I am just worried that if Michelle does not confided in someone then something might happen.”
“Danny. I know that you are worried about what Rick might think, but I want you to know that I believe that you would never do anything to hurt Michelle. I know that you love her. And I do know that Michelle would only hide something from you if she had a really good reason. Danny, just I need to know something, is Michelle in danger? Is something going to happen?”
As much as Abby likes me, I know that she will always have an underlying fear of my family. She may not show it but I know that she does worry about Michelle. I can’t blame her. This is not the kind of life that I want for myself, let alone Michelle.
“Abby, Abby. I promise you that nothing will happen to Michelle. When I told Rick that I would protect her, I would. Michelle is not in any danger because of my family, and soon, you will not even have to worry about that. Michelle deserves to have a safe and happy life, and I am determined to give it to her. I just need you to believe me. I know that Rick is too bitter to believe me, and I can’t really blame him, but I need you to know that Michelle will be safe with me.”
I know that Abby does trust me, but I need her to say that. I need to hear that. Maybe with Abby’s help, I will be able to convince Rick not to mettle into my marriage.
“I just needed to know, Danny. I know that I can trust you, and I know that you can make Michelle happy. I just don’t want to see Michelle unhappy. I hope that you can make her happy. I will try to talk to her. I try to find out what is wrong.” Abby notices the panic in my eyes, and quietly dismisses it. “I won’t mention your name, I promise.”
As I leave the Bauer house, I begin to feel a little better. Maybe Abby can find something out. I hope that Michelle will just tell me what is wrong. I thought that we had finally reached the point that Michelle was able to confide in me. An uneasy panic floods through my body. What if I was wrong about Michelle’s feelings? What if I was wrong about everything?
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"Its not about revenge Michelle, its about justice. It's about an eye for an eye"-Jan 8th, 1999
As I drive home from school, my mind keeps replaying my meeting with Nino. I can’t help but wonder if there was a ring of truth in what he said. Was Danny hiding something from me? I desperately wanted to believe that Nino was wrong, but instead, that little seed of doubt was beginning to question my trust in Danny again. Danny’s way of life is so different from mine, and I knew that we would have a hard time trying to get past this, but I thought that we were getting past it. Was I wrong? I hope that I was not wrong about Danny.
I am just so afraid that if I put all my trust in Danny, then if something happened, then I would never be able to trust him again. I have tried to convince myself that Danny would be hiding something from me because he wanted to protect me. Or was Danny getting into too deep? Did he think that I would never be able to understand?
As much as I want to gloss over our differences, I know that Danny and I will always see the world in two different ways, and I am scared that one day, our differences will cause us to hurt each other. I know as long as Danny stays in his family, there are always going to be things that I will not be able to understand or accept, and that it could be the only thing that drives us apart forever. I just hope that we will be able to accept our differences, and embrace them. I am torn by my suspicions of Carmen and my feelings for Danny.
I want to trust Danny but I can’t push away that doubt. But if I let my doubts and insecurities win then I will lose Danny, and I don’t want to lose him. I just hope that Danny will be able to forgive for what I am about to do. Trust is so important to Danny, and I know that betraying that trust will be devastating to him, but I hope that he can see my point of view. I am praying that he can.
As I reach the front door of the Santos house, I try to calm myself down. I am a bundle of nerves. Please, don’t let Carmen be home. Please. As I slip into the hallway, the house is silent. I strain my ears for any sound, for any movement, but to my relief, I hear none. The sound of the wind against the windows makes me jump. I pray that I will be able to do this. I can’t let Carmen catch me snooping around.
As I walk down the stairs to Carmen’s desk, images start to flood back to that night after Danny and I were married by the justice of peace. Shivers start to go through my body as I remember Carmen’s cold look, that evil glint shining in her eyes, and I can still see the barrel of the gun facing at my chest. Tears start to prick my eyes, and the memories become so overwhelming that my knees give away and I sink down to the carpet, trying to forget that horrible day.
Then I remember Danny. He was so kind to me that day. He stood up to his mother for me. He risked his own life to protect mine. I realize now that I felt safe with Danny, and when he wrapped his arms around me, I felt loved and protected. I knew that somehow I would be okay. If you feel so protected and loved, a voice sneers, then why are you snooping around? Are you afraid that Danny is hiding something from you?
Wiping the tears from my face, I decide that I have to know if Danny is hiding something. I will probably not find anything. Danny is not stupid, and I am sure that he would never leave anything around for me to find. With shaking hands, I begin to go through the piles of papers on Carmen’s desk. I can’t believe that I am doing this. I believe the word of a man that Danny hates over the word of my own husband.
Out of the corner of my eye, I notice a large manila envelope sticking out from under a pile of paper, and out of curiosity, I yank the manila envelope from under the pile of paper. It is addressed to Danny. I flip it over and notice that it has been opened. Well, it will not hurt, just to take a peek, I think to myself. Danny will never know. As I lift the seal, foreboding washes over me. I can feel the hairs on the back of my neck sticking up. My eyes widen in shock when I take the contents of the envelope.
There is a large black and white photograph, I squint trying to make out the people in the photograph, then I recognize Carmen, Mick and Danny. The picture was taken at a funeral. My blood goes cold when I realize that it was taken at Mr. Santos’s funeral. That is when I notice the note.
Scrawled in pen ink, there is a small caption on the bottom of the first photo. “Don’t make the same mistake your father did. But you don’t have to worry about Michelle mourning your death. She will be glad to be rid of you..”
Pain starts to shoot through my heart like fireworks. How could someone be so cruel?? Why was Danny getting this package? With trembling hands, I pick up another photo, and notice the caption: “A Santos does not deserve a bride like Michelle Bauer.” Tears start to spill down my cheeks. Sobs penetrate my whole body. I blindly reach for the tape trying to fix the damage done to the photo. No, no, I think, this is not what happened. It is not. I can’t take this anymore.
Blinded by my tears, I stumble towards the stairs, and I don’t even notice that the rest of the contents from the envelope have spilled over the floor. As soon as I walk outside to the circular driveway, I collapse in sobs that are wracking my body. I feel so cold. I am so cold. Why I can't I get warm?
**********
Somewhere in Springfield
“You fool! What were you thinking?? How could you make such a stupid mistake? I told you that we can’t afford any slip-ups, and here you are, jeopardizing our plan.”
“Calm down. I just wanted to keep tabs on it myself. I want to take care of this personally. And don’t talk to me about messing up our plan, you have seem to have forgotten about your mistake.”
“You have a nerve bringing up my mistake. Aleast I can fix my mistakes before it is too late. Don’t forget that you are working for ME. If I hear about anymore of your “personal” choices than you will have to answer to me and some other unhappy people.”
“Princess, calm down. If you started to trust me, maybe you would realize that I know more than you think. It is time for you to move. You have been sitting on this for too long. If I were you, then I would have taken care of this a long time ago. And fear not, I will not let my personal choices affect business, but it sure would make things really interesting.”
Chapter 13
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