"Loving, Losing, and Living" part 5

by Court

Authors Note: I feel like singing! I am so happy to get this part finished! I want to apologize to everyone out there who has been following this series. I've been so incredibly busy with school and focusing on other fanfics that I neglected this one. I feel bad, this is my most personal fic. It means so much to me. I hope you like this part. I dug deep into my heart to grasp the emotion felt here. Thanks for reading! I appreciate it so much, and I swear to God that the next part will NOT take this long. ;o)

I'd also like to thank so many people! Oh God... let me see. Super thanks go out to Tam, Courtney, Angie, Cheryl, Katy, Mandy, Kit, ...and oh yeah 1 super person we'll just call "J"

Rating: PG

Classification: Dawson/Jo romance

Summary: Joey and Dawson must face the greatest challenge to their relationship

Enjoy!!! And thanks so much to everyone who sent me feedback. This is for you!

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Joey woke up to find herself doing the same exact thing that she had been doing since she found the lump under her arm. She bit her lip and closed her eyes, bringing her fingers to the underside of her arm. She wished and hoped every night that she'd wake up one day and it would be gone. Feeling around for it she felt the all too familiar feeling of fear coursing through her veins when her fingers located the lump.

Joey sighed and rolled over in bed. She had to get up and face another day with this uncertainty and fear. Joey felt powerless and it scared the life out of her. Why couldn't it just go away? Didn't she have enough problems? Wasn't being from the wrong side of the creek enough?

Joey wanted to berate herself for being so wimpy and pity-some. She didn't even know what the lump was! Once she found it she did the "typical Joey Potter," she assumed the worst. Typical cynical, pessimistic, Joey Potter.

She pulled back the covers and angrily kicked them off of her legs. She hated this bed sometimes. Joey had been spending many nights at Dawson's since they discovered the lump together and he had forced them to be honest. She couldn't run or lie to him. He knew her inside and out. She couldn't face this alone either. Dawson had grown up since they had first started dating back in sophomore year of high school. Now, when she needed him most, he had become her rock.

Dawson held Joey when she needed to feel loved and cared for. He soothed her with kind words from his extensive vocabulary. They no longer danced around big words, they embraced them. Dawson was still his overanalytical self, but he didn't hide behind the words. He meant what he said and they talked honestly and openly most of the time. Sure, they fought. Afterall, they were still Dawson and Joey. What would life be without their clashing of sharp intellect and wit? But Dawson had grown out of his Peter Pan stage and shown Joey how sweet, sensitive and mature he was. He kissed her lovingly and held her body close when they passionately made love. He treated her like the treasure she was. He adored and loved everything about Joey. He was so tender and gentle with her, even more so now because Joey felt insecure about being touched after finding the lump. She would allow only him to touch her. Even a slight brush of the arm by someone like Bessie would set her nerves on alert.

Bessie. That was another problem. Joey could never forget how her sister had almost gone to pieces when their mother died. How could she break this to Bessie? Joey was no fool. She knew the facts about cancer. She knew too many facts about cancer unfortunately. Joey knew that the earlier it was detected the better the chance of survival...

Just the thought of dying sent chills all over her body. It scared her more than anything else did. When it came to death Joey's tough facade immediately dropped. She sympathized with anyone that had to go through this. She wouldn't wish the death of a loved one on anyone. She was lucky she had found the strength to move on with her life after it happened. It was a day to day struggle and while it still cut like a knife to her heart she dealt with it. She had to. The world wasn't going to stop for her.

Joey set her jaw in a straight line and resisted the urge to run out of her house and go climb into Dawson's window and into his arms. He would always be there for her but she wanted to be strong for herself and face this on her own.

She had to tell Bessie

***

Dawson mindlessly set the returned videos on the "new rentals" shelves. His mind wasn't on videos though. It was where it usually was. On Joey.

Dawson had always been a romantic. He sighed at cheesy love stories and embraced the idea of fate, love, and soulmates. They were nice ideas. Dawson was always optimistic and tried to look at life that way. But he never thought that kind of love could be so real, so true, and so wonderfully all consuming.

Joey. Jo. He loved how her name rolled off his tongue so effortlessly. It was second nature. It was pure instinct. It felt so right. It was such an amazing rush to feel so connected and in love with someone. He would give Joey his breath if he could. He would give Joey everything he had if it would make her happy. All he wanted to do was make her happy.

Joey had too much pain in her life. It was so wrong. A wonderful girl like her shouldn't have had to deal with what life threw at her. Losing her mother almost killed Joey's spirit. Dawson could recall so many nights holding her, and rocking her to sleep as she wept in his arms. He did everything in his ability to comfort her. That was when he first realized how much she meant to him. Movie making, school, everything Dawson thought was important came second place to her. In junior high school on the days it just got too tough at school, he would cut classes with her and they'd go to his house, usually in his closet, to talk. Real, honest talking. He fell in love with her in that room. His heart filled with everything she was and meant to him. He never thought love could be so wonderful but so scary at the same time.

Dawson kept a strong check on his emotions around her, but the thought of losing Joey terrified him. How could this be happening to her? It just wasn't fair. She was only 18. Her life was just beginning. Their life together was just beginning. God, this wasn't fair! He wanted to scream and curse at the heavens above. What kind of god would allow such a magnificent and good person like Joey to have to endure so much pain and tragedy? Not the god he prayed to.

He couldn't lose her. Dawson didn't know what he would do if that happened. He couldn't imagine a life without her smile, her teasing, her laughter, her beauty, and everything else that made her Joey. He couldn't lose his Joey.

***