JOKES

Stuff to do at work
 

                 Three guys were in a bar and they were all pretty smashed. The first guy said, "I
                 bet that if I had one more beer, I could fly!" The other guys bought their friend
                 another drink. After the first guy finished, he walked up to a nearby cliff and
                 jumped off. The other two guys stared in disbelief as the first guy fell, fell, and
                 then suddenly swooped up and landed on the cliff. 

                 The second guy said, "I bet I can do that too!" He ran down to the bar, chugged
                 a beer, and ran back up to the cliff. Then the second guy jumped off the cliff, fell,
                 fell, and crashed into the ground below. 

                 The third guy turned to the first guy and said, "You're a real jerk when you're
                 drunk, Superman!" 

                 A guy spent the day walking around town looking for a job. He finally walked
                 into an adult store. "Do you have any work for me?" he asked the owner. 

                 The owner smiled and responded, "You come as if you have been sent from
                 heaven. I just opened another store and I'm looking for someone to mind this
                 store for me." 

                 "When do I start?" the guy asked. 

                 "Now. I'm leaving for the other store shortly." The owner explained all the ins and
                 outs and then left. 

                 First to enter the store was a Caucasian woman. She walked around and
                 stopped at the dildo rack. "How much for the white dildo?" 

                 "Forty dollars," he said. 

                 "How much for the black dildo?" 

                 "Forty dollars." 

                 "Give me the . . . uh, black one. I've never had a black one before." She paid
                 and left. 

                 Soon an African-American woman walked in. She too walked around and
                 stopped at the dildo rack. "How much for the black dildo?" she asked. 

                 "Forty dollars." 

                 "How much for the white dildo?" 

                 "Forty dollars." 

                 After thinking a moment, the woman said, "Give me the . . . uh, white one. I've
                 never had a white one before." She paid and left. 

                 Then a blonde woman walked in. She walked around and stopped at the dildo
                 rack. "How much for the white dildo?" she asked. 

                 "Forty dollars." 

                 "How much for the black dildo?" 

                 "Forty dollars." 

                 "And how much for the checkered one on your counter there?" 

                 "Two hundred dollars." 

                 "Give me . . . uh, the checkered one. I've never had a checkered one before."
                 She paid and left. 

                 Closing time came around and the owner returned. "How was your first day?" 

                 "Great!" the guy responded. "I sold a white and a black dildo for forty bucks
                 each, and I sold your thermos for two hundred." 

It has been brought to management's attention that some individuals throughout
                 the company have been using foul language during the course of normal
                 conversation with their coworkers. Due to complaints received from some
                 employees who are easily offended, this type of language will be no longer
                 tolerated. We do, however, realize the critical importance of being able to
                 accurately express your feelings when communicating with coworkers.
                 Therefore, a list of new phrases has been provided so that proper exchange of
                 ideas and information can continue in an effective manner without risk of
                 offending our more sensitive employees. 

                 TRY SAYING: Perhaps I can work late. INSTEAD OF: When the fuck do you
                 expect me to do this? 

                 TRY SAYING: I'm certain that is not feasible. INSTEAD OF: No fucking way! 

                 TRY SAYING: Really? INSTEAD OF: You've got to be shitting me. 

                 TRY SAYING: Perhaps you should check with . . . INSTEAD OF: Tell someone
                 who gives a shit. 

                 TRY SAYING: Of course I'm concerned. INSTEAD OF: Ask me if I give a shit. 

                 TRY SAYING: I wasn't involved in the project. INSTEAD OF: It's not my fucking
                 problem. 

                 TRY SAYING: That's interesting. INSTEAD OF: What the fuck? 

                 TRY SAYING: I'm not sure I can implement this. INSTEAD OF: Fuck it, it won't
                 work. 

                 TRY SAYING: I'll try to schedule that. INSTEAD OF: Why the hell didn't you tell
                 me sooner? 

                 TRY SAYING: Are you sure this is a problem? INSTEAD OF: Who the fuck
                 cares? 

                 TRY SAYING: He's not familiar with the problem. INSTEAD OF: He's got his
                 head up his ass. 

                 TRY SAYING: So you weren't happy with it? INSTEAD OF: Kiss my ass. 

                 TRY SAYING: I'm a bit overloaded at this moment. INSTEAD OF: Fuck it, I'm on
                 salary. 

                 TRY SAYING: I don't think you understand. INSTEAD OF: Shove it up your ass.

                 TRY SAYING: I love a challenge. INSTEAD OF: This job sucks. 

                 TRY SAYING: You want me to take care of that? INSTEAD OF: Who the hell
                 died and made you boss? 

                 TRY SAYING: I see. INSTEAD OF: Bite me. 

                 TRY SAYING: Yes, we really should discuss it. INSTEAD OF: Another fucking
                 meeting? 

                 TRY SAYING: I don't think this will be a problem. INSTEAD OF: I really don't
                 give a shit. 

                 TRY SAYING: He's somewhat insensitive. INSTEAD OF: He's a fucking prick. 

                 TRY SAYING: She's an aggressive go-getter. INSTEAD OF: She's a ball-busting
                 bitch. 

                 TRY SAYING: I think you could use more training. INSTEAD OF: What the fuck
                 are you doing? 



I will add more later!




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