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Udo's Cunning Plans

Udo, Udo, Udo.. yer gettin old an slow. Yeh got yerself a pissant little mage who's goin down an he's takin yeh down wi' 'im.. Yeh gotta cut 'im loose. He's in a safe enough place, he ain't goin nowhere an iffin Flagg wants 'im dead he won't last the week anyway. Plan A: 10 gold in a pouch with a note that says "I quit."

Ahh.. Peaches, what am I gonna do wi' you? Flagg's already got his sights on yeh an if I take off he's liable ta try ta use yeh ta bring meh back.. Prolly work too Damn him.. Charsi, well, she was a stupid bitch.. You, yer too good fer this town.. If I thought I could smuggle us both out.. well.. Fuck, mebe I could, but I'd have ta be three times as sly as I figger I kin manage.. Plan A: Smuggle Lenora out of Kael Mar'us. Plan B: Use Lenora as my contact in the Temple.

Now Flagg, problem wi' him is that he's bin set innis power too long.. Got ever'thin he needs all right at hand.. An that fuckin demon cult he's in. They're bound ta be inta some fucked up shit an' Udo don't wan' no part of that.. but iffin that box's important enough ta kill off a mage like Tyronus fer, then still fuss wi' a scrap like me.. Its damn important.. an Udo don't like unknowns behin' 'is back.. Plan A: Find out the deal wi' the box.

"Good show, my good man. Good show indeed. Speak to Varana, keep it quiet. And remember... I'm watching you." ~ Flagg "A man who can follow orders. I like that. You've done well tonight. Very well indeed. I think I could use a man like you on my payroll. What do you say?" ~ Flagg Hmm.. Udo thinks mebe you bin too long at the top Flagg.. mebe your long arms've stretched a touch too far, dependin too much on lackeys ta keep yeh informed.. 'Good Show'? Yeh think yerself a gen'leman do yeh? Hmm.. Man wi' tha' much power.. 'e thinks all folk should act a certain way.. fear 'im good yeh know? Mebe tha's what'ee sees in ol' Udo.. Udo don't take no flap from nobody.. Udo know's 'e ain't important, so nobody should care.. But fer some reason Flagg does.. What's 'e see in yeh ol' boy.. Think!

Alrigh'.. I'm Flagg an' I got this new buddy Vin.. Vin's got.. new power.. the info on the box? Mebe had the demon cult thing goin' on.. Anyway, Vin makes meh stronger, tha' makes meh happy.. I tell 'im 'e kin be the big bossman, but I know I kin pop 'im off when I like.. Soo.. I'm keepin' Vin aroun' 'til I got the secret o' the box, then I'll pop 'im off.. Yeh, tha' soun's righ'.. Now.. I know where ta get the box? So I set my guys ou' watchin' fer a good time ta snitch it ta get Vin on meh side.. So I sees the piddly mage Tyronus sends ta get the box.. I figger 'es easy ta pop off.. wait, no I see the box once the piddly mage gets it, 'cuz I didn' know Tyronus 'ad it.. jus tha' magelette didn' no more.. Sooo.. 'e sees the magelette wi' poor ol' Udo an' figgers I'm onta the box too.. 'cuz I figger ever'one's out fer wha' I'm out fer.. Knocks us both in the head, finds out we ain't know shit, 'cept the word on top.. Hmm.. Tremble.. wunner who might know sommat 'bout that.. mus' be important.. Mebe tells 'em they got the right box? Well iffin they're all playin demon games mebe Peaches'll know sommat.. Now, I tell meh boys ta pop off the scrap 'n the magelette, on'y Udo's too slick fer 'em an get's hisself out in one piece.. So I figger he was out fer meh box an' he talks back ta me wi' no fear, then gives me boys the slip.. I think mebe he's worth gettin' on my side.. Hmm.. but I got lots o' boys.. I don't take on more wi'out reason.. But I plan ta doublecross Vin soon'as I kin.. so mebe I'm gonna pin it on this bloke who's seen 'im? Now That soun's like Flagg righ' there.. Let me an' Vin squabble, mebe I pop Vin off, then Flagg does me an 'e's got the box an power free an' clear, mebe Vin takes me down, Flagg gets ta see 'is strengths and weaknesses wi'out blowin 'is cover.. Plan A: Join up wi' Flagg. Plan B: Play the fat happy lackey an' infiltrate 'is organization. Plan C: Find out the deal wi' Vin. Plan D: Find out wha' 'Tremble' means. Plan E: Get out alive wi'out Peaches gettin' hurt.

Alrigh'.. but nobody leaves Flagg's pay wi' retirement.. Once I'm in, I ain't gettin out, not wi'out takin' it down, an tha' migh' jus' be too much fer ol' Udo.. Flagg ain' some young fuck 'at thinks 'e owns the world.. 'e fuckin Took the world an' holds it the same way 'e took it.. Hmm.. lessen' whatever the box's got is bigger'n Flagg kin manage.. mebe Vin's here ta handle whatever's inside? Flagg migh' not be young, but 'e IS arrogant as all fuck.. normal men, mages, they ain' nothin ta him.. but this box thing ain' no pop-up fatass.. Plan A: Find a way outta Flagg's pay tha' don' involve death. Plan B: Help Flagg fuck hisself wi' the box.

So, say I run.. I'd hafta run Flagg a dance as pretty as yeh please ta get outta his sight afore 'e comes down on meh head.. Firs' I'd hafta convince Lenora ta fin' a new hometown.. mebe go visit some family? Tha' soun's like sommat a nice lass like her'd do, but she'd hafta take off firs'.. An NOT wherever the hell magelette wants ta go.. Mebe sen' 'im off.. I dunno.. Hell, mebe I coul' barter 'im fer safe passage out? Nah.. I don' think 'e's worth tha' much, plus then Flagg knows I'm takin off.. o'course, if I tell 'im I don' wan' nothin wi' 'is box mebe he'd let meh go.. Naww.. 'e's a suspicious bastard 'e is, lyin' easy as yeh please.. I'd still be a threat.. Far as 'e's concerned at leas'.. Yeh need a new con Udo.. sommat totally unlike yeh.. Somethin.. classy? Reformed citizen? There ain' no authorities in Kael Mar'us Flagg don' 'ave innis pocket though.. Stage a fight? Be bettah ta jus' make it real.. Fake mah death? Run outta town then skulk back innit? If Flagg's really watchin' meh tha' close I bes' make it a good show.. Plan A: Convince Lenora to visit family elsewhere. Plan B: Get rid of Nameless. Plan C: Put on a damn good show..

Hmm.. 'Reformed citizen'.. Udo's gettin old, gettin otta the game.. Don' wan' no big trouble, jes lookin ta hook up wi' a nice broad, settle down.. mebe pop out some li'l ones.. I got me Peaches already, she's a nice sort, prolly wan's some kids.. It'd get us both outta town, mebe even in one piece.. But it'd be a con like none other, half truth an half fiction.. An if Peaches Ever suspected she was jus' part o' a con.. Oh Udo.. you bes' know what yer doin'.. Plan A: Meet wi' Samus. Plan B: Convince 'im Udo's gettin outta the game ta settle down an' don' wan' no trouble. Plan C: Offer Nameless as tribute. Plan D: Convince Peaches to run away wi' yeh.

An' I though' Flagg was bad.. fucker's got hisself a wee len'th o' straw compared ta this bitch. Leas' Flagg cain' read yer mind, may seem it sometimes, but tha' don' make it so. I may not be tha clev'rest chap but its keepin' from bein' clever tha's tha trick.. No plottin' an' no plannin', no lookin' fer angles what might be ahead.. jes runnin' blind an' tryin' ta keep ahead-a wha's behin' yeh. Absinthe's got 'er hooks in deep, me an' Prue both. Sen's us after this wee li'l devil sprat.. I don' wanna know, but cain' help but wonder.. why? A) Scrappy li'l devil is in tha way, we're going there anyhow, I'm a convenient deliv'ry man. (Now with Ho and Cabana boy sidekicks) B) Scrappy little devil knows something and/or has a good chance of convincing us to do something she doesn't want us to do, we're going there anyway so convincing us to kill her makes it unlikely we'll deal with her at all. C) Her power is best 1 vs 1 whereas Scrappy little devil is entrenched with allies and copious minions. D) Dog beasties may or may not change things. E) Something keeps her from visiting Scrappy little devil's house. F) Who the fuck knows why a crazy ass bitch demoness does anything? G) Test our ability to follow directions. Turns out I missed one.. F) 'Cuz she built tha whole damn complex 'erself an' it tickled 'er pink ta sen' us in like fuckin rats.

We're in tha fuckin' shit now we are. Down in tha goddamned belly o' ancient ruins, got four o' five keys we need ta open tha las' door and git our bits so we kin git tha fuck out, and Now we run inta some wonky possessed kid o' knowin' things. Tells us Absinthe infiltrated whoever tha hell it was a billion years ago an' had this whole place built 'erself, told folk how ta 'kinda possess' things inta flesh or some crap I don' unnerstand.. Point is, we're proper fucked. Bitch sen's us to a place she built, she goddamn knows exactly wha's there, takes mah girl as insurance 'cuz she can goddamn See that I got fuckin' doubts. Filthy mind-readin' son ovva whore. O'course tha extra tangle now's tha' Skinny-fuck wen' an pissed tha hatter Queen off at Mother an' 'er bunch, which jes so happens ta be where Absinthe's hangin these days.. which Jes So Happens ta be where mah Prue's tied up jes now.. Fuck! All I kin figger is we hope like hell this wee lass knows sommat that kin help us take 'er down, or at leas' tangl'er up long enuff fer me ta snatch Prue and make some fuckin' distance. She's liable ta be inna righ' fit when Skinny an 'is new mistress show up, blind rage is as good-a distractin' effect as anythin' else we could prolly work up..