Witchmamma:.
I love my witchmamma. She may not be all ginger cookies and sweet tea like some mamas are, but I'm still lucky to have her. She's not my real mamma, but that's okay too. I'm not even sure what my real folks were, let alone where, so I'm probably lucky anyone took me in at all. In a way it was probably good that I grew up as the Corn Witch's boy. Folk expect me to be a little strange and standoffish and all that. I used to wish a lot that I could just be a normal boy with normal folks, maybe a brother or a sister. But I'm not and I don't.. I don't even have a pap, just witchmamma.
Witchmamma is one of those severe sorts of folk. Quiet-like and real serious about things, but I know she loves me. Anytime I got in trouble she was always there to help me out.. always had a lecture handy, but she always came.
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No more lectures, no more knowin' better and thinkin' about what I've done. Witchmamma came when I needed her most and now she's gone and I wish like hell she wasn't.
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I heard her. I didn't know who it was until she talked to me, but it had to be her.. apologized an' told me she had to go, but she's watchin' an' she'll keep me safe.. just like always, good thing too, Lady knows I've been doing a miserable job on my own..
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Ashton and Surrounds:.
Folk have told me all my life that I don't belong. That I'm not a part of things, living outside of town like we do, witchmamma and I. Witchmamma doesn't mind, but I do. Why should it matter how close we live? Ashton's surrounded by small farms and spreads, but the folk who live there all count. All but us.
I shouldn't let it bother me, that's what witchmamma says. She says everything serves a purpose and I should give it time, but I don't see why other folk should be able to decide who I am.
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Gone, all of it. The streets are red with blood and the buildings twisted and torn asunder like a wheat field after a real good storm. All on account-a me. Me. I never took nothin' that wasn't mine, never hurt anybody no matter how angry I got, no matter how much I wanted to sometimes, but I'm the one they said was an evil cancer taint. They came for me, but they killed everyone else on their way to get me. Everyone 'cept a handful Bren managed to save. A handful and the whole rest of the town lies dead and jumbled in the streets.
If I'm evil then there isn't even a word for what they are.
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Annie Colds:.
Annie Colds is the sweetest kindest nicest girl in town, and I tell her so every chance I get. She don't have a mam like I don't have a pap, I think that's partly why her pap's so protective of her. They're both smiths and both on the militia to boot. I figger if I had a little girl as pretty as Annie is I'd make sure she was good at fightin' too.
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She didn't deserve it, I don't know why it happened, I don't know how. I don't know if it was on purpose or accident, if she thought it okay or not. But it doesn't matter, I can't ask her about it, if she doesn't want me to know I never will, but I know she couldn't possibly have deserved it.
I just hope it wasn't on account-a me.
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I want to tell her. I want to tell her so much, so badly.. but I don't think I can. We've all been through so much and she always seemed so strong.. but something broke in her today. I want to tell her, but I'm not sure how she'd take it, there's so few of us left, if I.. if she took it badly, where could she go? I can't lose her again, but what if I change again? What if I sleep and don't wake up? I don't think she could ever forgive me.. so I want to tell her.
I tried today, and she told me to stop.. Lady help me, what do I do?
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I've lost her. I don't know how or why, but I can't blame her.. and I think I'm gonna have to let her go..
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Now they're gone. Peabody seemed like a good guy, maybe Mora's right, maybe he was just a good pretender, but I dunno.. don't matter now though, shit came through and Annie lost her man and her pap in the same day because of me. She ain' never gonna forgive me for that.. and I don't blame her. I ain' about to leave her behind though, not after the last time and especially not now.
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She's left us, Mora and I. Ever since Redemption Annie's got these real pretty little golden lines on her face, makin' a kind of fancy design. Nobody put 'em on her, they just showed up when she woke up from her fit. Sawtooth said it meant she'd been 'Chosen,' by the Lady I guess. It only makes good sense, if I were the Lady I'd have made Annie a Chosen a long time ago. But with everything that's happened, Annie's havin' kind of a hard time with it I guess. She ain' been talkin' to me, an when I tried.. it went bad. But she came to talk to me today, tellin' me she had to go. I don't know what I thought she was gonna do, just tail around with me an' Mora while I got trained up, but I sure didn't think she'd up and leave us. Said it was something she had to do though, and its not like I've got any say in what she does.
Before she went though, she told me she missed me and forgave me, that she always knew I hadn't run off on purpose, that wherever I was, she knew I was trying to save her. I told her I loved her, always had an' always would, gave her some money and flowers I had been saving for Mora, told her I'd give her my gun if I thought she'd take it, which of course she wouldn't.
And then I watched her go. She made me swear I'd take care of myself and Mora, kissed me on the cheek and then she was gone.. and I have this terrible feeling in my gut that I'm never going to see her again.
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The Wilds:.
I enjoy the wilds, I don't feel as at home there as withchmamma does, but she taught me to respect and understand them, so I don't fear them as some do. There is a peace and an acceptance there, animals do not judge you by your appearance, they judge by actions, as it should be. Every need can be filled by the forest, every need but one. It is why I visit the town so much. Witchmamma doesn't mind, she doesn't much care for people, but I do. I love my friends and I'd do just about anything for them. Witchmamma considers that meddling, but I can't help it.
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They've changed. Where once a quiet and slumbering forest grew there is now a tainted angry place. Where once I could walk and gather herbs, listening to soft sounds and sudden calls, now I must flee and hope I do not cross one of the twisted creatures there. Once folk, now twisted into dark horrific forms, some lost entirely to whatever took them, some driven by a terrible thing, worn like a suit of ghastly clothes.. It is one thing to See such a creature, it is another to know it for what it is. Mora knows, she heard the thing in Walter speak.. Annie thinks she does, but she does not. One day she will, one day soon too many will be forced to face the truth. An army does not appear to burn one village and dissipate.. it has a desitation, it has a will to conquer and destroy.
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Mora Notter:.
Mora's trouble, that's what everyone says, even Doc and witchmamma, even though they know. It ain't Mora's fault she is like she is. Her uncle Walter's a mean old cuss, meaner'n I knew for a long time. She don't like to talk about it, but I know the things he's done to her and not a damn thing I could do about it. If I coulda I woulda though, and I've told her so.
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If Mora were even a shade less strong than she is she wouldn't still be here. She'd have given up a long time ago. I thought I knew what all had been done to her, thought I knew what all she'd had to do.. I didn't. There is something wrong with folk. I don't know what it is, but maybe Walter did have some of that demon I saw in the dreamtime in him.
A man who can carve words into someone else's back would have to.. I hope.
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Intolerance:.
There is something seriously wrong with folk. I don't know when what someone looked like became so goddamn important, but boy it sure seems to be. They look at Mora and they see her horns and tail and they insist she's bad news. They look at skinny little Bren with his lanky hair and missing ear and they say he'll never amount to anything. They look at Lexa with her green skin and too-long ears and they tell their kids to stay away from the freak. At least with me its not how I look but who my mama is.. only because they don't know what I Really look like though.
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The Beast:.
There is a beast I have seen in my dreams. I know that he stalks me but I do not know why. Mora doesn't believe me, but I don't know why.. she and I see nightmares every day, why should this one be different? He is huge, bigger than a bear by a good bit, and unlike anything I've ever seen with witchmamma in the wilds. Kind of like a hyena, kind of like a bear, with a thick black mane that runs all the way down his back. And its got these bony ridges on it too, very strange. But its the eyes that get you, silver and full of hate and darkness. They bore into the core of you and I'll be damned if I can shake them.
Mora didn't think he was real, but I knew that was his print in the graveyard. When we found that group of rangers massacred in the woods, I knew he was the one that had done it. I don't know why he came for me, I just knew he did.
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Now I know. It doesn't make any sense, but at least I know why he came, why so many people died, why he came for me when I didn't know who or what he was. Turns out he's a man, men commit the worst of crimes after all. Cameron thinks demons have to come to punish us, he just doesn't understand.
Belinos his name is. Witchmamma knew him. They were friends long ago, they and the hook nosed man I think, the three beasts from my dream. Only something changed. Witchmamma found me. They were hunters of evil, that's why they killed my kin, but I was something different and Witchmamma took me in. Belinos never knew until he came for me. Goddamn he's big, bigger even than in my dream. Witchmamma never had a chance, even in her grey form.. whatever it was, she was so tiny compared to him, but so ferocious. But it wasn't enough, not even close.
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Dreamtime:.
I've always had dreams. Dreams too weird to be real, dreams too real to be true, and dreams that I'd rather a couple girls I know not find out about.
But the Dreamtime's nothing like any of them, nothing at all. I still don't know how I got there, I think Dog drug me into it somehow. He's kinda like me, sort of.. not quite, but kind of. Its pretty confusing. Anyway, according to Dog I'm to be an 'Awakener' whatever that means. All I know is I had a really terrible nightmare just the other night and now I guess I have to go into it somehow and kill the beasts in it. Yeah right. I don't know what this 'Awakener' stuff is, but I don't think I'm ever going to find out, because if that stupid nightmare crow is right and dying in the Dreamtime is the same as dying here, I'm not going to survive my nightmare, Dog or no.
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I have to go back. I have to try. I didn't think there was a chance before, but so much has changed now. Yesterday I didn't even know there was such a thing as the Dreamtime, and now I know only one of the three beasts of my nightmare is truely my foe. And in the nightmare of the past he is much less a threat than he is now in the world, or should be anyway.. I hope that's how it works. Plus I promised the bane in Walter's body that I'd find a way to kill him for good, and I think that's the only place it can be done. I should ask Dog.. if I can ever make it back.
Last time I thought that first nightmare I fell into was just random, but now I'm not so sure.. The kid was young, but so was Mora in the one of hers I saw. His face was pretty torn up, but.. it could've been him. Not that I can ask him about it. I could never ask. All I know is I'll never trust a man who wears a 7 on him. Ever.
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Gregor Audwyn:.
Gregor's a strong guy, big and built for fightin', like a lot I know. He's good at it too, like a lot I know. But he isn't like the others at all. For all his size and strength and skill he's still a kind man, one who looks out for others and not just himself, one who fights to help and defend others not just to get ahead. He didn't know anything about Mora 'cept her horns and tail and he still took her side over Mr. Kelm's. Ashton isn't his town or his people, they aren't even the nicest folk as a rule, but when the crazies came he stood with them, stood and held where others ran. If you ask me he's the kind of man the others should all be. Too bad I've never met anyone like him before. I'm real glad I saved his life, real glad.
I ain' never had me a pap, but if I had a choice I think I would've wanted one like him.
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Bren Reyer:.
Bren's a kid who got the short end of any deal that ever came along. He's short, scrawny and barely knows how to swing a stick around without clubbing himself with it. He's terrified of women and short an ear to boot, wears his hair long and lank to hide it, but everyone knows. But despite all that he's a real good kid. He tries hard and he might not be the strongest but he makes up for it by being quick on his feet and knowing his way around the woods and things. His pap's a trader so he's kind of like Mora, talking all big about how cool his dad is to make up for how he's not around, but I understand, I don't have a pap either.
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I like Bren. He's one of those 'true blue' guys you hear about, no matter how rotten things get they'll still stick by you. Well, things've gotten pretty bad. Worse'n I ever thought they could, but Bren's still here and thanks to him so is Annie and so are the other folks he drug to safety and bound up. Not that he knows how to bind a wound up proper, but he tried, and it was good enough until they could get something better done for them. A lotta folk would've just walked away, run off with what supplies they could scrounge and leave them to their fate, but not Bren. He's too good a guy for that.
I always considered him a kid, and he kind of is sometimes, he thinks the world's a simpler place than it is a lot of the time. But like I told Mora, before today he might've been 'just a kid' but not anymore. Something like this happens, it changes you. Today he's a man, a man I think his folks would've been proud of, I sure am.
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Myself:.
I don't see it. I don't see what Mora sees, I don't see what Annie sees, nor what I guess Bren does. I'm strong, but not strong enough.. I'm quick, but not quick enough.. I'm clever, but not clever enough.. I'm sweet, but not sweet enough.. not hard enough, not dark enough, not soft enough, not enough of any of the things I need.
Witchmamma was right, I am a half moon, never completely dark, never completely full.. Just enough light to get by but not enough to keep you from cracking your shins and stubbing your toes. Only I'm not just cracking my shins, I've been real close to seein' what's on the other side lately.. and I don't mean the Dreamtime.
Most folk have the benefit of knowing what they are, they may not like it, and many don't, but at least they know. I don't and I'm not sure there are any that could tell me.. If Belinos is right then all my kin are dead, he wouldn't give me an honest account of them even if I Weren't one of them, 'Mamma's gone and I think her friend is too.. which accounts for everyone I know of that could help. Annie says who my people were doesn't matter, just who I am, but there's still a part I feel I should know.
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Now I know. My people WERE bad people, crazy like those folk back in Ashton, but they say I'm different. I don't see how and I don't know why, but Sawtooth assures me Witchmamma didn't smell the taint on me and that's why she took me in. Most times I'm glad she did, real glad, but sometimes.. I wish I'd been left there to die with the rest of them. Cassidy tells me not to talk like that, but I can't help it. I'm not cut out for all this, demons and undead and towns gettin' destroyed all the time..
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Cassidy:.
I think Cassidy is the most compassionate woman I've ever met. She has a sweetness to her disposition that doesn't care who you are or what you've done, I think she'd have told Walter kindly that she forgave him for all he's done, and even I can't do that. Not after what he's done to Mora. I've always tried to be a decent person and I think I've done pretty good, but Cassidy's a whole different thing.
I know it sounds dumb, but I saw her in a dream before I ever met her. When Witchmamma hid me away I saw a bunch of random things that didn't make any sense at the time, and the last one was her, bobbin' along a trail eatin' an apple with that dreamstone necklace on. So when I saw her in Biscuit I knew it was her, nobody else could have a stone like that. I even told her later I'd seen her in a dream first and she said she thinks someone wanted us to meet. I think it was my mam.
I was wearin' a different face when we met, but we both knew the other had secrets and we had real good talks anyway.. Real good 'til those guys jumped us on the road. They were gonna do aweful things to us, her especially. They had a dark guy with 'em that gave me a powerful recollection of Walter. She was gonna let 'em do it but I couldn't let her, she was already startin' to take her clothes off when the mist came, I wanted so bad for none of 'em to see her, I guess that's why it came swirlin' up around us. I grabbed her wrist and we booked it out of there. Wasn't enough though, the dark man 'specially didn't intend on lettin' us go. Once he clipped me in the leg Cassidy made me stop, hollered at 'em that she wouldn't fight 'em. Dark man thought he was gonna get him some an' I was preppin' to jump him when I saw my shot, but I didn't get it.
Cassidy's got a way about her, makes folk like her real well real fast, I told her I thought sure she'd witched me since I'd never fallen for someone fast like that before. Most folks would just say its cause she's pretty an' I ain' thinkin' with my head, but I ain' like that. She sure witched that dark man though. Told him she was aweful sorry, that she knew he was a bad man, but she would've let him live 'cept he'd have come after me an' she couldn't let him do that. Then she snapped his neck. Just.. one second she had a hand curled up around his neck all nice an' sweet like, then the next there was this aweful crack and he fell to the ground.
Shook her hard though to do it though, I think she can feel emotions from people or something, sensitive to life and death maybe, I ain' real sure, but she'd always seemed completely confident until then, after though.. I could tell it hurt her bad. The others had caught up then so I grabbed his gun and waved it at 'em, told 'em to turn and run and not stop until they got to Biscuit. I was gonna let 'em live since I'd seen how much death seemed to hurt her, and the dark one was the one I needed to see dead and he already was, but the leader threw his sword at me instead of leavin, so I shot him down with his own buddy's gun. If I thought she'd been hurt before, that was even worse. THEN the others tried to run, but another gunner'd heard the commotion and finished off the rest, Cassidy hangin' an' sobbin' on me. I've never felt so mad and so sad at the same time. I don't like hurtin' people, and I sure don't like bein' hard like that, but if there's one thing I can't abide its folk who're willin' to hurt a woman, an' especially not those who'd force themselves on one. I didn't know Cassidy could do what she did, so I did what I had to do.
And hopefully someday she'll forgive me.
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I didn't realize how hard it had been in Ashton with Annie and Mora. I've always loved them both and I'm pretty sure they both always knew, but Annie's real proper like so she never really let me get close, and Mora's wild so she was willing to mess around, but I didn't feel it was right not like she wanted anyhow. But somehow that meant I never really got to be sweet with either of them. Sure I picked 'em flowers and bought 'em candies an' things, but its not the same.
I didn't really know until I met Cassidy though. Cassidy wasn't crazy wild like Mora, but she weren't as straight laced as Annie neither. She let me be sweet to her and honest about how I felt and I didn't realize how big of a difference that would make. I've been alone before, but I've never felt so completely alone as I have lately with all that's happened. Cassidy saw it and wouldn't let it stand, she talked with Mora, pricked her pride and brought her to see me, showed her real clear how alone I felt and how much I needed her. Well, it didn't take Mora long to see it was true and she was instantly sorry. That's the thing with Mora, she gets these ideas in her head and won't let 'em go until you can show her proof otherwise. But Cassidy's real good at showin' folks the truth, and she's so warm and understanding that it makes it easier for them to see and accept.
I don't deserve her.
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Storm:.
I have often felt lost in my life, I have been lost in the woods
but witchmamma always found me, I have been lost in the Dreamtime, but she found me there too. Now I am lost in world, lost and alone following names and rumors which may not even belong to anyone I know..
There is a storm that follows me, a storm of dark men and creatures none believe to be truth.. and there is a sword. I do not know if the storm seeks it or grows because of it, but I must find it.. I don't know why or how, simply that I must.
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I have seen the storm. And it is a terrible terrible thing.
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Subject:.
Love:.
I used to think I knew what love was, I was young and sweet on both Annie and Mora the whole time we were growin' up. That was easy.. I'd buy them sweeties or bring them flowers and we'd go for walks in the woods and talk. I used to think it was wrong of me to like two girls like that, but when all your love amounts to is a couple bags of candy and a bundle of flowers here and there, what's the harm?
That might be what I told myself, but that's never all it was for me. Mora needed help, she needed help bad, but I was just a kid, there wasn't nothin' I could do. I told her I would've though, if I could've.. but that didn't ever change anything. Annie was different though, always calm and quiet, strong and constant. She didn't have a mam like I didn't have a pap, so I always felt kind of a connection with her. It didn't hurt that she was the sweetest, kindest, prettiest girl I knew either. Mora was pretty too, but rougher, she was strong and fast and aggressive, driven.
Most would say one's the good girl, and one's the bad girl, and mostly they'd be right. But not because they were that way to start with.. Mora's got a horns and tail so she's been Told she's a bad sort her whole life, an' she's caught hell from her uncle every day for no reason and I'm sure he told her that was why he did it. Annie was always sweet and kind, but Mora got made the way she turned out. She's still got goodness in her, but its been so beat down I'm not even sure I can find it anymore..
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Love always seemed so natural to me. I've always loved Annie and Mora both, it just grew up with me and I can't imagine not. I never thought I'd love anyone else the way that I loved them, after all two women was a Great Plenty. But then I met Cassidy.
Cassidy is the warmest most understanding woman I believe I have met to date. I have never been so comfortable talking to a complete stranger, nor so convinced that I knew her nearly as well as I knew myself. We'd only been traveling together for a handful of days before I was throwing myself in harm's way to protect her, despite her protestations.
I've known a lot of women and I've always tried hard to be real respectful and decent and all toward all of them, but Cassidy.. affected me somehow. I accused her of witchery that first day because I've never had such a strong reaction to another person before. We talked about many things, though neither of us fully trusted the other, it still became apparent that we had many things in common, including home life, ideals, and secrets. I knew she wasn't the simple bard she played at any more than I was the time weary street tough I claimed to be, and perhaps that helped bring us together too.
I don't pretend to understand it, but I count meeting her one of the great blessings of my life. She came to our aid when we desperately needed it and I will be forever grateful for that.
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So now there are three. Three women whom I am perpetually terrified for and can't imagine life without. Three women who alternately want nothing to do with me and war with the others. Three women who seek either to monopolize my time or avoid my attentions for fear that the others will not understand, or simply want nothing to do with me because their own pain is too great.
My heart has never been so full, and yet somehow I remain alone.
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Fantasy:.
Every guy has dreams he'd rather his lady not know about, but mostly its just his own, somethin' nice to think on sometimes. There is no privacy for me in my dreams, sure I had 'em now and then back in Ashton, but that was before I knew about the Dreamtime, and before the Demoness started haunting my dreams. Since then they've never been my own. Oh she's shown me what she thinks I want to see, my ladies all together with me, doin' things I had no right to dream about, let alone watch when someone else had made it. So I left, or tried to.. ran kind of I guess you could say.
I got no right seein' that kind of thing, even when it was my own dream I always felt guilty.. what would they think, you know? Well, Mora would'a laughed prolly, but not Annie.. And Cassidy. She don't think its right, me havin' two girls already, tries to stay out of the way.. and I understand, I wouldn't want to be in her shoes when Mora found out if we had done anything.
Doesn't mean I don't still wish I could have some kind of normal relationship with at least One of them.. not that I'd know what that was..
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Sweet Bloody Lady.. I don't think it'll ever happen again and it may well kill me if it does, but wow..
I will be forever grateful to Cassidy. Nobody can tell Mora what to do, or even make her see the right of things sometimes, but Cassidy seems to know just how to do that.. and Mora has her own ways of makin' up. Oh Lady does she ever..
I just hope they weren't disappointed, I haven't.. had much practice with that kind of thing, Especially not like that..
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