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Humor Two






THE POTATO PUPPY



by: Linda Stafford



     My four-year-old son, Shane, had been asking for a puppy for over a month, but his Daddy kept saying, "No dogs! A dog will dig up the garden and chase the ducks and kill our rabbits. No dog, and that's final!"
     Each night, Shane prayed for a puppy, and each morning he was disappointed when there was no puppy waiting outside.
     I was peeling potatoes for dinner, and he was sitting on the floor at my feet asking for the thousandth time, "Why won't Daddy let me have a puppy?"
     "Because they are a lot of trouble. Don't cry. Maybe Daddy will change his mind someday," I encouraged him. "No, he won't, and I'll never have a puppy in a million years," Shane wailed. I looked into his dirty, tear-streaked face. How could we deny him his one wish?
     So I said the words that were first spoken by Eve, "I know a way to make Daddy change his mind." "Really?" Shane wiped away his tears and sniffed. I handed him a potato. "Take this and carry it with you until it turns into a puppy," I whispered. "Never let it out of your sight for one minute. Keep it with you all the time, and on the third day, tie a string around it and drag it around the yard and see what happens!"
     Shane grabbed the potato with both hands. "Mama, how do you make a potato into a puppy?" He turned it over and over in his little hands.
     "Shh! It's a secret!" I whispered and sent him on his way.
     "Lord, you know what a woman must do to keep peace in her home!" I prayed.
     Shane faithfully carried his potato around for two days, he slept with it, bathed with it and talked to it.
     On the third day, I said to my husband, "We really should get a pet for Shane." "What makes you think he needs a pet?" my husband leaned against the doorway.
     "Well, he's been carrying a potato around with him for days. He calls it "Wally" and says it is his pet. He sleeps with it on his pillow and right now he has a string tied to it and he's dragging it around the yard," I said.
     "A potato?" my husband asked and looked out the window and watched Shane taking his potato for a walk.
     "It will break his heart when the potato gets mushy and rots," I said and started getting out food for lunch, "Besides, every time I try to peel potatoes for dinner, Shane cries because he says I'm killing Wally's family."
     "A potato?" my husband asked, "My son has a pet potato?"
     "Well," I said shrugging, "you said he couldn't have a puppy. He was so disappointed, in his mind, he decided he had to have a pet..."
     "That's crazy!" my husband said.
     "Maybe you're right, but explain to me why he is dragging that potato around the yard on a string," I said.
     My husband watched our son for a few more minutes.
     "I'll bring home a puppy tonight, I'll stop by the animal shelter after work. I guess a puppy can't be that much trouble," he sighed, "It's better than a potato."
     That night, Shane's Daddy brought home a wiggling puppy and a pregnant white cat that he took pity on while he was at the shelter.
     Everyone was happy. My husband thought he'd saved his son from a nervous breakdown. Shane had a puppy, a cat and five kittens and believed his Mother had magic powers that could change a potato into a puppy. And I was happy because I got my potato back and cooked it for dinner.
     Everything was perfect, until one evening when I was cooking dinner, Shane tugged on my dress and asked, "Mama, do you think I could have a pony for my birthday?"

(Previously cited as "Author Unknown" It has been brought to my attention that Linda Stafford is indeed the author of the above essay. I have reproduced it here with the hope that she will not mind.)




New Cross Breeds


      The following breeds are now recognized by the AKC:

Collie + Lhasa Apso
Collapso, a dog that folds up for easy transport

Spitz + Chow Chow
Spitz-Chow, a dog that throws up a lot

Pointer + Setter
Poinsetter, a traditional Christmas pet

Great Pyrenees + Dachshund
Pyradachs, a puzzling breed

Pekingnese + Lhasa Apso
Peekasso, an abstract dog

Irish Water Spaniel + English Springer Spaniel
Irish Springer, a dog fresh and clean as a whistle

Labrador Retriever + Curly Coated Retriever
Lab Coat Retriever, the choice of research scientists

Newfoundland + Basset Hound
Newfound Asset Hound, a dog for financial advisors

Terrier + Bulldog
Terribull, a dog that makes awful mistakes

Bloodhound + Labrador
Blabador, a dog that barks incessantly

Malamute + Pointer
Moot Point, owned by....oh, well, it doesn't matter anyway

Collie + Malamute
Commute, a dog that travels to work

Deerhound + Terrier
Derriere, a dog that's true to the end

Bull Terrier + Shitzu
Oh, never mind....






Thoughts On Dogs


      If there are no dogs in Heaven, then when I die I want to go where they went."
Will Rogers


   My dog is worried about the economy because Alpo is up to $3.00 a can. That's almost $21.00 in dog money."
Joe Weinstein


   "We give dogs time we can spare, space we can spare and love we can spare. And in return, dogs give us their all. It's the best deal man has ever made"
M. Facklam


   "Dogs love their friends and bite their enemies, quite unlike people, who are incapable of pure love and always have to mix love and hate."
Sigmund Freud


   "The reason a dog has so many friends is that he wags his tail instead of his tongue."
Anonymous


   "Dogs need to sniff the ground; it's how they keep abreast of current events. The ground is a giant dog newspaper, containing all kinds of late-breaking dog news items, which, if they are especially urgent, are often continued in the next yard."
Dave Barry


   "Anybody who doesn't know what soap tastes like never washed a dog."
Franklin P. Jones


   "If your dog is fat, you aren't getting enough exercise."
Unknown


   "A dog teaches a boy fidelity, perseverance, and to turn around three times before lying down."
Robert Benchley


   "No animal should ever jump up on the dining-room furniture unless absolutely certain that he can hold his own in the conversation."
Fran Lebowitz


   "I wonder if other dogs think poodles are members of a weird religious cult."
Rita Rudner


   "Don't accept your dog's admiration as conclusive evidence that you are wonderful."
Ann Landers


   "There is no psychiatrist in the world like a puppy licking your face."
Ben Williams


   "A dog is the only thing on earth that loves you more than he loves himself."
Josh Billings


   "The average dog is a nicer person than the average person."
Andrew A. Rooney


   "Outside of a dog, a book is probably man's best friend; inside of a dog, it's too dark to read."
Groucho Marx


   "Ever consider what they must think of us? I mean, here we come backfrom a grocery store with the most amazing haul-chicken, pork, half a cow. They must think we're the greatest hunters on earth!"
Anne Tyler


   "If I have any beliefs about immortality, it is that certain dogs I have known will go to heaven, and very, very few persons."
James Thurber


   "Women and cats will do as they please, and men and dogs should relax and get used to the idea."
Robert A. Heinlein














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