Chapter 35"Toni I told you I wasn't in the mood to go out or do anything tonight."
"And since when do I listen to you?" she asked entering the house and making herself at home in the living room. "You don't honestly think that I would let you spend your twenty-first birthday by yourself do you?"
"That's what I want though."
"Oh well. Have you talked to AJ?"
"No, he called earlier but thanks to the wonderful invention of a caller ID, I didn't answer the phone."
"Will you stop ignoring him?"
"Will you stop lecturing me about it?"
"No because if it was the other way around you would be getting on my case to talk to Nick. Anyways change of subject since I'm sick of talking to you about it, here," Toni said handing Kristen a wrapped gift.
"You actually got me something?" Kristen asked surprised.
"It was something I put together for you when you broke up with AJ I just never gave it to you. I've added a bunch of stuff since you two got married and I figured now was a good time to give it to you." Kristen sat down on the couch and unwrapped what was a photo album and she gave Toni a weird look. "Just look through it." Kristen flipped through the first couple of pages and there were pictures of the first two Backstreet Boys concerts that she had gone to. Then there were pictures of her and Angela from when she first moved to Orlando and ones when she met BSB and ended up becoming best friends with them.
"What the hell?" Kristen asked looking at two adjacent pages of pictures of her and AJ when they all played truth or dare. There were pics of the two of them kissing and when AJ was dared to go skinny dipping with anyone of his choice and he chose her. You couldn't see their naked bodies though because of the water and the picture was taken from such a distance. There were also a few of the two of them just messing around from that night. "How did you get these pictures? I didn't even know anyone had a camera."
"Cassie always has a camera for get togethers. Even though I don't want anything to do with her because of what she did to you I had to ask her for any pictures of you with AJ before I got here." Kristen flipped through the photo album some more and came across many pictures of her and AJ kissing, ones from the wedding, ones of when Kristen got into Mainstream then into Love's Angels, and a bunch of her with Toni and the guys. "There's also this," Toni said showing her a video tape then getting up to put it in the VCR and pressing play. Kristen recognized it as the tape Kevin used to record Jane Carter's Christmas party. It was at the part where Kristen and AJ were giving each other their Christmas gifts. Tears started to well up in Kristen's eyes and slowly fall down her cheeks as she watched AJ swinging her around and kissing her when she told him she was pregnant.
"What's the point of all this?" Kristen asked grabbing the remote control and pressing stop for the VCR.
"My point is before you lost the baby you were so happy. I completely understand why you didn't call when you were touring. You were just so overwhelmed with everything. You make AJ the happiest guy in the world because he feels honored to be with you and have you as his wife. I've been there through many of your boyfriends and many of your heartbreaks and AJ has to be the first guy who has made you as happy as you are."
"Can you please get to the point already?" Kristen asked wiping her eyes.
"That is my point. You are completely in love with AJ and you are still being a stubborn bitch to him. I just don't get it. What the hell is going on with you?" Toni asked when the phone rang so she got up to answer it. "Hello?"
"Hey Toni, it's AJ. What are you doing there?"
"Just stopped by to wish Kristen a happy birthday. You want to talk to her?"
"Yeah if she wants to. She hasn't answered any of my calls since I've been touring."
"Well I don't care if she wants to she's still talking to you, hold on a sec," Toni said handing Kristen the phone. Kristen was reluctant to take it at first but when Toni smacked her in the arm she picked it up.
"Hey AJ," Kristen said trying to make it sound like she wasn't crying.
"Hey baby happy birthday," AJ said happy to hear Kristen's voice after over a month.
"Thanks."
"Listen we've been so busy touring that I haven't been able to get to a store to buy you something."
"That's fine don't worry about it."
"Well we don't have any concerts the fourth and fifth of August so I've got something great planned for our one year anniversary and I'll make it up to you then."
"AJ I have to go," Kristen said as more tears ran down her face and she handed the phone to Toni as she cried.
"I'll call you back tomorrow I have some more talking to do with Kristen," Toni said glaring at her.
"Alright let me know what's going on."
"I will, bye," Toni said hanging up the phone and sitting back down on the couch with Kristen when the phone rang again. "Whoever it is can just leave a happy little message on the machine," Toni said sarcastically when the answering machine clicked on and they both heard AJ singing onto the machine.
"Show me the meaning of being lonely. Is this the feeling I need to walk with, tell me why I can't be there where you are, there's something missing in your heart," AJ sang then he started to speak. "I would say that there's something missing in my heart but you never left it. I love you baby and I'm always there for you. I'll see you in two weeks," he said then hung up.
"I can't believe he's actually putting up with your shit. Right now he deserves so much more than what he has."
"You just don't get it do you Toni?"
"Um no...I've been trying to get something out of you to find out what your problem is but you're being to stubborn about it. I'm about to give up on you and when AJ starts filing divorce papers I don't want you to come crawling to me begging for my help on getting him back."
"Toni if I lost AJ I would kill myself!"
"Then you might as well do it now to get it over with because that is exactly what is going to happen if you don't start straightening your act up!"
"I'm scared Toni okay! That is what is wrong with me if you must know!" Kristen yelled at her through tears.
"Scared of what?"
"Scared of everything but mostly losing AJ!"
"Um well you're not exactly doing a very good job at keeping him since you won't talk to him."
"Because I don't know what to say to him. What am I supposed to say? Just start apologizing for losing his second child?"
"You don't have to apologize for anything Kristen, it wasn't your fault."
"Yes it was. If it wasn't for my stupidity me and AJ would have a little one year old boy crawling around the house and another baby on the way."
"How can you blame yourself for that? You didn't asked to be stabbed a million times in the stomach or to have a miscarriage in the middle of the night," Toni said.
"If I never agreed to go out with a guy as friends when me and Nick were dating none of that would have happened. I wouldn't have hurt AJ by losing the baby and I wouldn't have hurt you when you got stabbed. If I had taken care of myself while on tour I wouldn't have lost the baby and would still be pregnant."
"That is a bunch of bull shit Kristen. That is nothing but a bunch of if's. You didn't hurt AJ when you lost either baby. He was hurt by the loss but the only way you yourself are hurting him is by blowing him off. And it wasn't you who stabbed me it was that stupid bastard."
"And do you think that's the end of it? Nate will be out of prison in two years and then it will all start back up again. He'll want revenge for me sending his brother to prison. I'm afraid he'll give up on going after me and go after the people I love. Now that I've made it big with the group I'm in the spot light all the time which makes it so easy for him to find me."
"What is bringing all this up?" Toni asked confused.
"I don't know Toni. When I was laying in that hospital bed for the second time it just brought everything back and I'm scared to death. I'm afraid he'll get out and kill me or my friends and I'm afraid that I won't be able to make AJ happy because I might not be able to have kids."
"Do you think he hates you?" Toni asked and Kristen slowly nodded her head yes as she wiped her eyes again. "God Kristen that's not true," Toni said wrapping her arms around Kristen and hugging her as she cried into her shoulder. "When he says he loves you it's not an act, it's the truth. He'll love you till death and beyond that with or without kids. You don't have to be afraid of anybody trying to kill you again because AJ will always be there to protect you. You've known that and I don't know what made you lose that feeling but it's still there okay?" Toni asked and Kristen nodded her head. She then helped Kristen to bed and she went into one of the guest rooms where she also fell asleep.
