AJ watched from the side of his car as the people, mostly dressed in black and other drab colors, stood with their backs to him at the cemetary a few days later. But, his eyes were only on two of the many people who had shown up for Trevor's funeral.
He took one more long drag from his cigarette before throwing it on the wet ground and stomping on it with his foot. He hated funerals, he absolutely hated them. Madalyn had told him he didn't need to come with them, but he had insisted. He just didn't want to see a person who had once been one of his best friends being lowered into the ground. Trevor's mom had insisted they not come to the visitation the afternoon before, that stung them a little. Colin didn't really understand that his father had died and he couldn't see him anymore. He did to an extent, but didn't fully get the whole death/funeral thing.
AJ sighed and looked towards the sky that was clouded over, threatening to rain. "I hope you found what it was you were lookin' for Trevor.," He mumbled as the people began dispersing.
Madalyn and Colin slowly made their way down the hill. AJ could tell Colin wanted to get home as quickly as possible to get out of the suit his mom had insisted he wore. Colin hopped over to AJ and into his arms, "Can we go home now??"
"Sure can, go on and get in the car."
Colin scrambled into the backseat, grabbing his gameboy he had brought along. AJ looked at Madalyn, "You okay?"
She looked him in the eye, something that was a tad hard for her to do at times, "Surprisingly, yeah. I don't love him like I did...I guess that's why it doesn't..you know..hurt..like I thought it would."
"How's he doing?"
"I think he kinda gets it...that his father isn't coming back...I just don't know how to explain it to him.."
AJ sighed, nodding, "I know...you ready to get home?"
She nodded, "Yeah..I'm worn out."
"I bet.," He replied pulling the door open for her.
AJ rolled over, expecting to feel Madalyn's presence next to him. One eye opened, she wasn't there. He turned his head over, it was after 1 in the morning. He crawled out of bed, pulling on a t-shirt somewhere along the way, and went to find her. She had been un-charactaristicly quiet since they arrived home from the gravesite.
AJ found her downstairs in the kitchen, sitting on one of the bar stools, staring into a slow burning candle. "Hey baby.."
She looked up, "Hey...I couldn't sleep."
He joined her, gently rubbing his hand over her knee, "You okay?"
"I don't know..."
"Ok.."
"I wish I could put into words what..what I'm feeling, but I can't. I think I'm still in shock.."
"I know you don't love him like you used to but I think you still cared for him.."
"I wanted him to be there for Colin..and now he's not. I mean, I could give a crap about him being there for me, but he had a responsibility to Colin and he just ended it just like that.."
"I know."
"I wish I could figure out why...he didn't love me...and at times I thought he loved his son, but then again sometimes he would just be so cold to Colin and I couldn't understand why he wanted to spend time with him if he didn't want him..."
"Uh huh...."
She sighed, running a hand through her hair, "Suicide wasn't the way out, that's a stupid, stupid way out for anybody....I wish...I wish we could have found out sooner what was up with him..and helped him. No matter how much I ever hated Trevor, I would never wish someone to die...or to harm themselves.."
"Me neither baby...but I guess he was just too far gone.."
"I know.."
"But you know, Colin had his father for a little while, now he has you, his mother, who does anything and everything for him and him alone. I think you rarely think of yourself any Madalyn...he's your world. But, he's also mine. I'm going to do everything to be there for him Madalyn. I didn't think that I would love a kid as much as I do..he's a great, wonderful, smart, beautiful little boy Madalyn. I know I can never be his real father, but...if he ever needs a..ya know, guy figure in his life, I want to be that person."
"Oh AJ...that's...that's so sweet..he adores you. And he knows you're not his real dad but he thinks so highly of you..I swear, when we're in the car, he always talks about what he wants to do with you or tell you or whatever....he loves you like a father...I think he finally..really knows about his real dad..."
AJ nodded, "I can't believe Trevor took that way out...I really can't.."
"Me neither.."
AJ leaned over, kissing her gently, "No matter what Madalyn, I love you and Colin, ok?"
"Ok..I love you too..and Colin does too.."
"Want to try to get some sleep?"
She shook her head, "I'm gonna stay down here for a few more minutes...I'll be up soon though.."
He nodded, "Okay..wake me if you need anything."
"I will..love you."
"You too baby."
She watched his retreating figure until he heard his soft footsteps going up the stairs. She loved AJ more than she thought she could ever love a guy, even after Trevor. She just didn't know, what..what she really truly wanted from him.
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