How I Feel Today
How I Feel Today
or rather how I felt in 2001
3-11-01 11:55 pm.............
I've convinced myself that I can't do too much right... I've said it before right here and every where else. I'm a fuck up. I'm sorry I don't mean to be, I don't try to be. I just am. I don't really feel like saying much. So I'll just say, blah.....
2-12-01 6:00 am..............
Hello, its been a while, almost a year actually as I look below.
Every thing has been pretty good since then, but now I don't know.
I've been so down lately. I lost my job a few weeks ago, that kind of made me depressed, because I loved that job so much. The money wasn't all that great, but still, I liked my job. I haven't been able to find another yet. I think I'm too stupid to take the G.E.D. test (a.k.a. the easiest test in the world). I just feel like the biggest loser in the world. I've always known I'm nothing and that I will never be anything, I just don't want the people I love to know it. I've got so many dreams and goals, but I know they will never be, and if you know me personally you know its the truth. I accept the fact that I am nothing, and I will never make anything of myself, but I still try. I'm tired of never getting any where. I live in so much fear of fucking up the lives of those around me. The past two months or so I've tried to sort of distance myself from a lot of people to get my head together and to try to work on getting my diploma and to just make sure that I'm making all the right choices. I'm sorry I can't be good enough, I'm not apologizing to you, but to myself. I can't handle too many things easily. I do try to keep myself happy, but lately I feel like shit. I know I have people who care, I know I have people who will always be there until the day I die. There may be few, but they are there and they know I love them and am grateful for every thing they have ever done for me, no matter how big or small. Without those few people, I'd be lost. I do love you and I thank you for everything. Please never do me wrong....
I'm done...
4-23-00 6:30 am..............
I'm scared, I'm very scared. I'm scared of life. I'm so fucking lonely and I don't even know it. Life scares the shit out of me. Yes, I am falling back into one of my slumps. Once again everything sucks. I am scared of dying alone, that's always been my biggest fear. Every day I'm getting closer to losing everyone I love. I try not to, but I push everyone who gives a fuck about me away. I hate being like this, I know I can be happy, and I know that some where there is something that will make me happy. I'm afraid I'll never find that. Please somebody, just give me a little help. I'm weak when it comes to this shit. I don't know if I can help myself anymore, I don't think I have the strength. I can't open up to anyone about everything. There are some secrets I keep to myself. I want to tell someone, but it something I could never do. It hurts so much to keep something like this to yourself. Its always bothered me, it gets worse everyday. I try not to think about it, but I can't help it. If only I could forget the shit that's bothered me for years.......
Recently someone I've known my whole life fucked me over in the worst way possible. Why couldn't she of killed me instead? I don't think she will ever read this, but if you do..... know this:
My whole life I would have died for you, but now I truthfully don't give a fuck what happens to you. The whole situation was your fault. Thanks for fucking me up in the head a little more.
The people reading this may be thinking that I'm bitching about something stupid and petty. Think what you will.... Most of you don't know shit about me or who I am. I don't mean to sound so rude, but it is a fact......
Sorry I didn't have much to say.
See how I feel today from 2000
