How I Feel Today
How I Feel Today
or rather how I felt in the year 2000
3/13/oo 2:00 am.......
Its been a while, but this morning I feel like letting some shit out.
For months I couldn't believe how happy I was most of the time, but now I feel like I'm falling back into my little world of depression. I've been thinking about my life a lot, the things that have happened, the things that haven't and all the shit that just basically pisses me off. I hate the way things seem to go for me, actually it never seems to truly get better. I hate this shit. I just want to fucking be happy. I don't have anyone to talk to. The only friends that I can tell shit like this to are never around. The people that are around usually Arnet close enough to me. I could never tell them the shit that goes through my mind on a daily basis. Now I will contradict myself here. You the person reading this could be anybody, anybody at all. Someone I've never met, someone who has completely different views than me, someone who would never even give me the time of day. All I have to say is..... Life SuX!
1/21/00 2:30 am.......
OK, I'm sitting here surfing the net, listening to some music. My usual Thursday night/Friday morning. Then I start reflecting on my so far fairly short life. I begin wandering 'what the hell is wrong with me?' Then I began thinking of my little site here that you are surfing around. I remembered the reason I created it. The original idea, was a little 'fuck you' to teeny boppers, America and all things trendy. Then came this section you are checking out now (probably bored out of your mind while doing so), and I started to bring in all my loom and gloom. I talked about how much my life really SuX. Let me pause my rambling for a sec.... If you are a usual visitor to this site, you probably realized by now that I am in a good mood this morning. Why shouldn't I be? Right now I have pretty much everything going for me, excluding the love and affection of a female companion. Fuck that SuX. Anyway, back to where I was going with all this (not really sure where that is, but lets see). Anyway, I planned for this little place of my to be my sarcastic look at my shitty life, but then things got a little rough for me and I let all this shit in my mind really get to me. So night after night, I would set in my chair typing away. The only thought in my mind being, Kenny you are a fuck up, you are nothing, you will never be anything, you will never meet your goals, your dreams are nothing more than dreams, they will never be reality. My friends, truthfully my best friends only reading this shit, and then always asking if I'm OK, and whatever else. So for now (for today anyway) I'm looking at it basically like this..... Fuck that, this is your life, the only one you will ever have. Why not have some fun? Just say fuck all the bullshit. So fuck all the bullshit. Before I end this entry, I want to say to my friends that I have made worry about me because of the things I write in here. Sorry, I may get down and depressed a lot, but hey, I'm sure in the hell not gonna kill myself. While I'm at it, I'm in such a good mood, I gotta send out some love for my brothers. Them being: David, Mike, Harry, and Patrick. You silly fucks if you see this, remember Kenny loves you, without knowing you four guys, and not getting the privilege to hang out with all of you all the time.... I'd probably be a completely different person. You are four the most important people to me in the world. What better place to say that than, "My fucked up head".
1/6/00 4:30 am.......
The past few days or so, have been pretty good I guess.... But, I'm starting to get tired of my life. Nothing ever changes. Everyday, I do the same thing. In the morning I get up and I go to work, I come home late in the afternoon. I set here alone and write. I think of how much of a pointless soul I am. I can't stand not doing something useful. I know that I'm never going to meet my goals. I know I'm going to end up not going college later on this year. I know that I am never going to be anything, but a fuck up. I can't do anything right. I can't keep from one way or another fucking up the things that are actually important to me in this world. My existence is just a waste. The only question I ever wanted an answer to is, why can't I be happy. I know its possible for someone to be "happy", I see it everyday, but why not me? One day, maybe I'll be the happiest mother fucker around, but is it really worth 17 years of depression?
12/26/99 2:30am........
Well, I haven't updated in a while and with Christmas being just hours behind us, I thought "what better time than now". I get kinda freaked out around the holidays, I always think of how bad I see my life and realize that I do see it the way it is. Not completely, but for the most of it......
My life does suck. So far, I've had my share of good things, but more bad than I truly believe that I deserve. Some people tell me that I would be a much happier person if I was to open up more and let people see who I really am. Very few people actually know who I really am, it takes a long time for me to open up and be myself at all with anyone, just ask some of my closest friends. Some of the things that have happened to me in the past, some of the things that have hurt me the most will stick with me forever, as they would anyone. I've still got a few weeks until I'm even 17 years old, and if the things I have yet to find are any worse or even as bad as the shit in my past, I'm just basically fucked! I think I got enough regrets and haunting memories. I just really wish that things will get better. I don't believe that I deserve all the bullshit that I've been through already. If there is a God, then why would he/she/it let me feel this way. What did I ever do to anyone? I never made fun of the kids that were different, I never called you weird, I never lied to you, I never pretended to be your friend. I never hurt anyone!
I never deserved to be me....
11/18/99 6am........
I feel like I'm going crazy. It was such a good day, but yet I'm up at six am, feeling as down as I can get. I hate myself, I hate the world, I hate everyone. I just wish I knew what is really wrong in my head. Something just isn't right, I shouldn't feel like this. I keep thinking that things are going to be a lot better soon, but still everything keeps getting worse, but yet nothing is actually wrong in my life. Everything is perfect. I wish that there was someone out there, anywhere that I could trust to tell my feelings to. The only people that I can, just seem to never be around when I need them the most. Its almost seems like whenever all is good, I have to put things in my head to make it seem otherwise. The little things my girlfriend or my friends say I completely turn them around and......
If only I knew what I was actually trying to say.... Most of the time, I don't even want to tell the people closest to me what's going through my head. Why you may ask..... Truthfully I don't know, maybe its because I know that most of the time I force something to be wrong. Maybe I can't go on, unless there is something wrong, like my goal is to make my own life as horrible as always believed I deserved, but fuck that! I want to be happy, I don't think I deserve to feel like this. I don't believe that anyone does, excluding the many people who "get off" on fucking with other peoples heads and completely fucking up their life's. I probably don't make any sense to anyone who would actually take the time read this bullshit about how I feel day by day. To the few people who really matter to me..... I love you, none of you realize how much you've done for me, thank you. I'm sorry if I'm such a downer sometimes. You should know who you are, without you I am nothing.....
11/15/99 5am........
Will one of my close friends please e-mail me, or call me to tell me what the fuck is wrong with me? Life always has to fuck with me. Whenever all is going good. Something, something stupid has always got to fuck with me. Why The fuck was I born into this world? Why the fuck do I have to live this pointless life? Why do I have to be me? Why did "the creator" make my life so fucked up? Why can't I just fucking be happy?
It seems like there is nothing more to "Kenny White" than fucking up and hating myself. I never do anything about the shit people close to me do. Like what you ask? Like getting fucked up and beating their kids, their wife, or their girlfriend. If it wasn't for all the bullshit I grew up seeing, and still see to this day. Maybe I would be happy, maybe I wouldn't be scared of being in love because I might do something like you. But fuck that, I'll never turn out like you. My family never showed me how to be a good person in anyway, only the opposite. I never seen how to treat a women, just how not too. I was never showed that you shouldn't hit your kids. I was never showed anything, but how to be a piece of shit. Maybe that's why I am different from all the rest of you. "No one can be better than anyone else" That's not true, you know who you are, you know what you are and you know me. I AM BETTER THAN YOU! I WILL NEVER BE LIKE YOU! I HATE YOU!
11/4/99 3am.........
We'll this week has been going good. I got a new job and all. This morning I've been thinking a lot about how not enough people will tell you the God awful horrid truth. Why can't people just say fuck it, we are all gonna be dead one day. What I choose to do with my life isn't going to matter on fucking bit in a hundred years. Nobody's gonna give a fuck if I make my living working in a gas station or making computers..... Nobody is going to know I even existed. I lead a pointless life. I have for the past 16 years. My parents can't even remember my first words, why would my children remember my last? Do any of you reading this think your any better than me? Most likely your right, most likely you will always be better than me. But in the end it doesn't matter. None of this doe's. Does every little thing in your life seem to be perfect? The only thing in my life that could be better is something small and stupid, so I'm not even going to bring it up. In 100 years no one is going to care that I keep all the shit I have to say locked up inside and give the few people who visit this site small little pieces of who I really am. Do you still think your better than me? GOOD!
10/29/99 2am.......
Its been a shitty week for me. I haven't taken this many antidepressants in a while. Its one of those days where I just want to be somebody else for a while, see what its like to be someone who's actually worth living. Someone who's not a loser, someone who has actually got a future. Someone that will let themself be happy. Its seems like even when everything in my life is going good I still can't actually be happy. Don't get me wrong its not like that all the time. I'm not fucked in the head or anything. Sometimes I just go through this little phase of being really depressed. Its always brought on by little shit that most people wouldn't even give a fuck about. I have been really happy this past year though. Everything has been going really good, but I still get like this sometimes. I hate it.
Well I'm off to tell my friends my problems now......
Email: ksk83@aol.com
