"One Liners"

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What's the height of conceit?
Having an orgasm and calling out your own name. ~*~

What's the definition of macho?
Jogging home from your own vasectomy. ~*~

I walked in a bar the other day and ordered a double.
The bartender brings out a guy who looks just like me. ~*~

What's the weather like in Tahoe?
Gloomy all over and Sonny around one tree. ~*~

Why is divorce so expensive?
Because it's worth it. ~*~

What's Slick Willie's new nickname?
President-erect. ~*~

What is Clinton's new Secret Service Code Name?
Unibanger. ~*~

What is the difference between George Washington, Richard Nixon, and Bill Clinton?
Washington couldn't tell a lie, Nixon couldn't tell the truth, and Clinton doesn't know the difference. ~*~

What is the difference between Monica Lewinsky and a Hoover vacuum?
Where the DirtBag attaches. ~*~

If Ted Kennedy, Dan Quayle, Bob Packwood and Bill Clinton all had a spelling contest which one would win?
Dan Quayle. He's the only one who knows that harass is one word. ~*~

What's the difference between Bill Clinton and the Titanic?
We know how many went down on the Titanic. ~*~

What do you get when you cross a crooked lawyer with a greedy politician?
Chelsea! ~*~

What are the two worst things about Bill Clinton?
His faces. ~*~

The Secret Service got a real scare the other day when someone threw a beer at Bill Clinton during his morning jog. Fortunately, it was a draft, so he was able to dodge it.

Subject: “Don't pay $2 to have a shirt cleaned. !!”

Have you ever noticed.... Anybody going slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac? * George Carlin

You have to stay in shape. My grandmother, she started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She's 97 today and we don't know where the hell she is. * Ellen DeGeneris

I think men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage. They've experienced pain and bought jewelry. * Rita Rudner

I would love to speak a foreign language but I can't. So I grew hair under my arms instead. * Sue Kolinsky

I'm not into working out. My philosophy: No pain, no pain. * Carol Leifer

I have a great diet. You're allowed to eat anything you want, but you must eat it with naked fat people. * Ed Bluestone

The second day of a diet is always easier than the first. By the second day you're off it. * Jackie Gleason

I went into a McDonald's yesterday and said, "I'd like some fries." The girl at the counter said, "Would you like some fries with that?" * Jay Leno

The reason most people play golf is to wear clothes they would not be caught dead in otherwise. * Roger Simon

I'm desperately trying to figure out why kamikaze pilots wore helmets. * Dave Edison

If it weren't for electricity we'd all be watching television by candlelight. * George Gobel

Don't spend two dollars to dry clean a shirt. Donate it to the Salvation Army instead. They'll clean it and put it on a hanger. Next morning buy it back for seventy-five cents. * Billiam Coronel

Subject: “Communicating with Men.”

HOW TO TALK ABOUT MEN AND STILL BE POLITICALLY CORRECT

He does not have a beer gut,
He has developed a Liquid Grain Storage Facility.

He is not quiet,
He is a Conversational Minimalist.

He is not stupid,
He suffers from Minimal Cranial Development.

He does not get lost all the time,
He discovers Alternative Destinations.

He is not balding,
He is in Follicle Regression.

He is not a cradle robber,
He prefers Generationally Differential Relationships.

He does not get falling-down drunk,
He becomes Accidentally Horizontal.

He does not have his head up his ass,
He suffers from Rectal-Cranial Inversion.

He is not short,
He is Anatomically Compact.

He does not have a rich daddy,
He is a Recipient of Parental Asset Infusion.

He does not constantly talk about cars,
He has a Vehicular Addiction.

He does not have a hot body,
He is Physically Combustible.

He is not unsophisticated,
He is Socially Challenged.

He does not eat like a pig,
He suffers from Reverse Bulimia.

He is not a bad dancer,
He is Overly Caucasian.

He is not a sex machine,
He is Romantically Automated.

He does not hog the blankets,
He is Thermally Unappreciative.

He is not a male chauvinist pig,
He has Swine Empathy.

He does not undress you with his eyes,
He has an Introspective Pornographic Moment.

He is not afraid of commitment,
He is Monogamously Challenged.

How To Keep A Healthy Level of Insanity & Drive Other’s Nuts!

Page yourself over the intercom. (Don't disguise your voice)
Put your garbage can on your desk and label it 'IN'.
Find out where your boss shops and buy exactly the same outfits.
Always wear them one day after your boss does. (This is especially effective if your boss is the opposite gender.)
In the memo field of all your paychecks, write 'for sexual favors'.
Put decaf in the coffee maker for 3 weeks. Once everyone has gotten over their caffeine addictions, switch to espresso.
Send e-mail to the rest of the company to tell them what you're doing. For example: 'If anyone needs me, I'll be in the bathroom.'
While sitting at your desk, soak your fingers in Palmolive.
Put mosquito netting around your cubicle.
Insist that your e-mail address be zena_goddess_of_fire@companyname.com
Every time someone asks you to do something, ask if they want fries with that.
Encourage your colleagues to join you in a little synchronized chair dancing.
Determine how many cups of coffee is 'too many'.
Develop an unnatural fear of staplers.
For a relaxing break, get away from it all in the fish tank with a mask and snorkel. If no one notices, ditch the snorkel and see how many fish you can catch in your mouth.
Send e-mail messages that advertise free pizza, doughnuts, etc., in the breakroom. When people complain that there was nothing there, lean back, rub your stomach, and say, "You've got to be faster than that."
When driving colleagues around, insist on keeping your car's windshield wipers running during all weather conditions to keep 'em tuned up.
Reply to everything someone says with, "That's what you think."
Practice making fax and modem noises.
Highlight irrelevant information in scientific papers, then cc them to your boss.
Finish all your sentences with "in accordance with the prophecy."
Adjust the tint on your monitor so that the brightness level lights up the entire working area. Insist to others that you like it that way.
Dont use any punctuation
As often as possible, skip rather than walk.
Ask people what sex they are.
While making presentations, occasionally bob your head like a parakeet.
At lunch time, sit in your parked car and point a hair dryer at passing cars to see if they slow down.
Specify that your drive-through order is 'to go'.
Stomp on plastic ketchup packets.
Holler out random numbers while someone is trying counting.
Honk and wave at strangers.
Decline to be seated at a restaurant, then eat the complimentary mints by the cash register.
TYPE ONLY IN UPPERCASE.
type only in lowercase.
"What?" "Never mind. It's gone now."
Sing along at the opera.
Go to a poetry recital and ask why the poems don't rhyme.
Five days in advance, tell your friends you can't attend their party because you're not in the mood.

And the final way to annoy people:

Send this e-mail to everyone in your address book, even if they sent it to you or have asked you not to send them stuff like this.

You know it is time to reassess your relationship with your computer when..

1. You wake up at 4 O'clock in the morning to go to the bathroom and stop to check your email on the way back to bed.
2. You turn off your computer and get an awful empty feeling, as if you just pulled the plug on a loved one.
3. You decide to stay in college for an additional year or two, just for the free Internet access.
4. You laugh at people with 56k modems.
5. You start using smileys :-) in your snail mail.
6. You find yourself typing "com" after every period when using a word processor.com>
7. You can't correspond with your mother because she doesn't have a computer.
8. When your email box shows "no new messages" and you feel really depressed.
9. You don't know the gender of your three closest friends because they have nondescript screen name and you never bothered to ask.
10. You move into a new house and you decide to Netscape before you landscape.
11. Your family always knows where you are.
12. In real life conversations, you don't laugh, you just say "LOL, LOL"
13. After reading this message, you immediately forward it to a friend!

If you've got an extra smile, put it on a little while:
Other folks may see you do it, and think there must be something to it.

” Titles for Monica Lewinsky's New Book.”

* I Suck at my Job

* What Really Goes Down in the White House

* How I Blew it in Washington

* You Have to Work Hard to Find the Softer Side of the President

* Testing the Limits of the Gag Rule

* Going Back for Gore

* Podium Girl

* Secret Services to the President

* Harass is Not Two Words: The Story of Bill Clinton Deep Inside the Oval Office

* The Congressional Study on White Hours Intern Positions

* She's Chief of My Staff!

* Al Gore is in Command for the Next 15 Minutes

* How to Beat Off the Government

* Going Down and Moving Up

* Me and My Big Mouth

* How to Get A Head in Business

';•) sweet-kiss (•;'

A girl from the South and a girl from the North were seated side by side on a plane. The girl from the South, being friendly and all, said, "So, where ya`ll from?" The Northern girl said, "From a place where they know better than to use a preposition at the end of a sentence," The girl from the South sat quietly for a few moments and then replied, "So, where ya`ll from, bitch?"

The tongue weighs practically nothing, but so few people can hold it.

From the book "LIfe's Little Instruction Book"
Number 332.
Live your life as an exclamation, not an explanation.

GREAT TRUTHS ABOUT LIFE THAT ADULTS HAVE LEARNED

1. Raising teenagers is like trying to nail Jell-O to a tree.
2. There's always a lot to be thankful for if you take time to look for it.
For example, I am sitting here thinking about how nice it is that wrinkles don't hurt.
3. Reason to smile: Every seven minutes of every day,someone in aerobics class pulls a hamstring.
4. The best way to keep kids at home is to make the home a pleasant atmosphere... and let the air out of their tires.
5. Families are like fudge...mostly sweet with a few nuts.
6. Middle age is when you choose cereal for the fiber, not the toy.
7. The more you complain, the longer God lets you live.
8. If you can remain calm, you don't have all the facts.
9. Eat a live toad first thing in the morning, and nothing worse can happen to you the rest of the day.
10. You know you're getting old when you stoop to tie your shoes and wonder what else you can do while you're down there.

It's called "Take Home Pay" because that's the only place you can afford to go with it.

When I look at my pay stub (with all those deductions) and then look at my pay check, I wish they would let me cash my pay stub.

Only two things are necessary to keep one's wife happy. One is to let her think she is having her own way, and the other is to let her have it.

I started out with nothing. . . I still have most of it.

I finally got my head together, now my body is falling apart.

Funny, I don't remember being absent minded.

If all is not lost, where is it?

It is easier to get older than it is to get wiser.

The first rule of holes: If you are in one, stop digging.

I went to school to become a wit, only got halfway through.

I got kicked out of school for a slight case of cheating - the dean's wife was involved.

It was all so different before everything changed.

Nostalgia isn't what is used to be.

I wish the buck stopped here. I could use a few.

My first rule of thumb - keep it away from the hammer.

Man: "Haven't we met before?"
Woman: "Yes, I'm the receptionist at the VD Clinic."

Man: "Haven't I seen you someplace before?
Woman: "Yeah, that's why I don't go there anymore."

Man: "Is this seat empty?"
Woman: "Yes, and this one will be too if you sit down."

Man: "So, wanna go back to my place ?"
Woman: "Well, I don't know. Will two people fit under a rock?"

Man: "Your place or mine?"
Woman: "Both. You go to yours and I'll go to mine."

Man: "I'd like to call you. What's your number?"
Woman: "It's in the phone book."

Man: "But I don't know your name."
Woman: "That's in the phone book too."

Man: "So what do you do for a living?"
Woman: "I'm a female impersonator."

Man: "Hey, baby, what's your sign?"
Woman: "Do not Enter"

Man: "How do you like your eggs in the morning?"
Woman: "Unfertilized!"

Man: "Hey, come on, we're both here at this bar for the same reason"
Woman: "Yeah! Let's pick up some chicks!"

Man: "I know how to please a woman."
Woman: "Then please leave me alone."

Man: "I want to give myself to you."
Woman: "Sorry, I don't accept cheap gifts."

Man: "If I could see you naked, I'd die happy.
Woman: "Yeah, but if I saw you naked, I'd probably die laughing."

Man: "Your body is like a temple."
Woman: "Sorry, there are no services today."

Man: "I'd go through anything for you."
Woman: "Good! Let's start with your bank account."

Man: "I would go to the end of the world for you."
Woman: "Yes, but would you stay there?"

Work like you don't need the money.
Love like you've never been hurt.
Dance like nobody's watching.

” INSTRUCTIONS FOR LIFE “

1. Give people more than they expect, and do it cheerfully.
2. Memorize your favorite poem.
3. Don't believe all you hear, spend all you have, or sleep all you want.
4. When you say "I love you"-mean it.
5. When you say "I'm sorry" look the person in the eye.
6. Be engaged at least six months before you get married.
7. Believe in love at first sight.
8. Never laugh at anyone's dreams.
9. Love deeply and passionately. You might get hurt, but it's the only way to live life completely.
10. In disagreements, fight fairly. No name calling.
11. Don't judge people by their relatives.
12. Talk slowly but think quickly.
13. When someone asks you a question you don't want to answer, smile and ask, "Why do you want to know?"
14. Remember that great love and great achievements involve great risk.
15. Call your mom.
16. Say "Bless you" when you hear someone sneeze.
18. Remember the three R's: Respect for self; Respect for others; Responsibility for all your actions.
19. Don't let a little dispute injure a great friendship.
20. When you realize you've made a mistake, take immediate steps to correct it.
21. Smile when picking up the phone. The caller will hear it in your voice.
22. Marry a man/woman you love to talk to. As you get older, their conversational skills will be as important as any others.
23. Spend some time alone.
24. Open your arms to change, but don't let go of your values.
25. Remember that silence is sometimes the best answer.
26. Read more books and watch less TV.
27. Live a good, honorable life. Then when you get older and think
back, you'll get to enjoy it a second time.
28. Trust in God but lock your car.
29. Do all you can to create a tranquil, harmonious home.
30. In disagreements with loved ones, deal with the current situation. Don't bring up the past.
31. Read between the lines.
32. Share your knowledge. It's a way to achieve immortality.
33. Be gentle with the Earth.
34. Pray. There's immeasurable power in it.
35. Never interrupt when you are being flattered.
36. Mind your own business.
37. Don't trust a man/woman who doesn't close his/her eyes when you kiss.
38. Once a year, go someplace you've never been before.
39. If you make a lot of money, put it to use helping others while you are living. That is wealth's greatest satisfaction.
40. Remember that not getting what you want is sometimes a stroke of luck.
41. Learn the rules, then break some.
42. Remember that the best relationship is one where your love for each other is greater than your need for each other.
43. Judge your success by what you had to give up in order to get it.
44. Remember that your character is your destiny.
45. Approach love and cooking with reckless abandon.

Subject: ” GOOD LUCK TANTRA TOTEM “

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