"One Liners"

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QUESTION:^^ Why did the chicken cross the road?

ANSWERS:

Pat Buchanan:
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^^^^^^^ To steal a job from a decent, hardworking American.
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^^^^^^^ The Bible:
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^^^^^^^ And God came down from the heavens, and He said unto the chicken, "Thou shalt cross the road." And the chicken crossed the road, and there was much rejoicing.
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^^^^^^^ Colonel Sanders:
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^^^^^^^ I missed one?
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^^^^^^^ L.A. Police Department:
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^^^^^^^ Give us five minutes with the chicken and we'll find out.
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^^^^^^^ Richard M. Nixon:
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^^^^^^^^The chicken did not cross the road. I repeat, the
^^^^^^^^chicken did not cross the road. I don't know any
^^^^^^^^chickens. I have never known any chickens.
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^^^^^^^ Dr. Seuss:
^^^^^
^^^^^^^^Did the chicken cross the road?
^^^^^^^^Did he cross it with a toad?
^^^^^^^^Yes! The chicken crossed the road, but why
^^^^^^^^it crossed, I've not been told!
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^^^^^^^ Ernest Hemingway:
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^^^^^^^ To die. In the rain.
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^^^^^^^ Martin Luther King, Jr.:
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^^^^^^^ I envision a world where all chickens will be free to cross roads without having their motives called into question.
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^^^^^^^ Grandpa:
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^^^^^^^ In my day, we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the road.
^^^^^^^ Someone told us that the chicken crossed the road, and that was good enough for us.
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^^^^^^^ Aristotle:
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^^^^^^^ It is the nature of chickens to cross the road.
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^^^^^^^ Karl Marx:
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^^^^^^^ It was an historical inevitability.
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^^^^^^^ Saddam Hussein:
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^^^^^^^ This was an unprovoked act of rebellion and we were quite justified in dropping 50 tons of nerve gas on it.
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^^^^^^^ Ronald Reagan:
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^^^^^^^ What chicken?
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^^^^^^^ Captain James T. Kirk:
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^^^^^^^ To boldly go where no chicken has gone before.
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^^^^^^^ Fox Mulder:
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^^^^^^^ You saw it cross the road with your own eyes.^How many more chickens have to cross before you believe it?
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^^^^^^^ Machiavelli:
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^^^^^^^ The point is that the chicken crossed the road.^Who cares why? The end of crossing the road justifies whatever motive there was.
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^^^^^^^ Freud:
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^^^^^^^ The fact that you are at all concerned that the chicken
crossed the road reveals your underlying^sexual insecurity.
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^^^^^^^ Bill Gates:
^^^^^
^^^^^^^ I have just released Chicken Coop 98, which will not only
cross roads, but will lay eggs, file your important
documents, and balance your check book-and Explorer is
an inextricable part of^the operating^ system.
^^^^^
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^^^^^^^ Einstein:
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^^^^^^^ Did the chicken really cross the road or did the road move
beneath^the chicken?
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^^^^^^^ Bill Clinton:
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^^^^^^^ I did not cross the road with THAT chicken.^However, I did ask Vernon Jordan to find the chicken a job in New York.

-+*%@%*+-+*%@%*+-+*%@%*+-+*%@%*+-*-+*%@%+-+*%@%*+-+*%@%

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Submitted by Cherine, Pawnee Rock, Ks.
Thanks Cherine........

:
: Women are Wonderful? “The MACHO Woman”
:
: Everyday I give thanks to the Goddess
: I have two mounds upon my bodice
: I shave my legs, I sit down to pee
: I can justify any shopping spree
: Not to a barber, but a beauty salon
: Can get a massage without a hard on
:
: Can balance the checkbook, pump my own gas
: Can talk to my friends about the size of my ass
: I always save money by using coupons
: Can admit to others when I am wrong
:

: Don't drive in circles at any cost
: So I don't have to admit when I am lost
: Don't act like I'm in a timed marathon
: Every time I go to the john
:
: I spend two hours preparing for a date
: Only to find you're two hours late
: I don't watch movies with lots of gore
: Don't need instant replay to remember the score
:
: I won't lose my hair
: I don't get jock itch
: And just cause I'm assertive
: Don't call me a bitch
:
: I don't wear the same underwear everyday
: The food in my fridg has no sign of decay
: I don't go to Sears
: To look at the tools
: I don't cheat at poker
: I follow the rules
:
: I don't smoke cigars
: Don't pay for drinks at bars
: I don't punch my friends just to say Hi
: And it's o.k. for me to cry
:
: I know all you men
: Think that you're IT
: But compared to a woman
: You just ain't SHIT!

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Q: What's the difference between a porcupine and a BMW?
A: The porcupine has pricks on the outside.
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Q: Why did God create alcohol?
A: So ugly people have a chance to have sex.
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Q: What did the blonde say when she found out she was pregnant?
A: "Are you sure it's mine?"
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Q: What's the difference between beer nuts and deer nuts?
A: Beer nuts are a $1.25 but deer nuts are always under a buck.
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Q: What three two-letter words denote "small"?
A: "Is it in?"
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Q: What is the difference between a tick and a lawyer?
A: A tick falls off you when you die.
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Q: What's the definition of mixed emotions?
A: When you see your mother-in-law backing off a cliff in your new car.
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Q: What do you call a lawyer with an IQ of 50?
A: Your Honor.
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Q: Moms have Mothers Day, fathers have Fathers Day. What do Single guys have?
A: Palm Sunday
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Q: What is the difference between Mechanical Engineers and Civil Engineers?
A: Mechanical Engineers build weapons, Civil Engineers build targets.
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Q: Why does Mike Tyson cry during sex?
A: Mace will do that to you.
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Q: What is it when a man talks dirty to a woman?
A: Sexual harassment.
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Q: What is it when a woman talks dirty to a man?
A: $3.99 a minute.
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Q: What has a whole bunch of little balls and screws old ladies?
A: A bingo machine.
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Q: What do you call a Florida gynecologist?
A: A spreader of old wives' tails...
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Q: Why do women prefer old gynecologists?
A: They have shaky hands!
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Q: What do a Divorce in Alabama, a Tornado in Kansas, and a Hurricane in Florida have in common?
A: Somebody's fixin' to lose them a trailer house.
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Q: Why do chicken coops have two doors?
A: Because if it had four doors it's be a chicken sedan

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You are an Internet Addict when...

1.) You refer to going to the bathroom as downloading.

2.) You step out of your room and realize that your parents have moved and you don't have a clue as to when it happened.

3.) Your bookmark takes 15 minutes to go from top to bottom.

4.) Your nightmares are in HTML and GIFS.

5.) You turn off your modem and get this awful empty feeling, like you just pulled the plug on a loved one.

6.) You start introducing yourself as "Jim at net dot com"

7.) Your heart races faster and beats irregularly each time you see a new WWW site address on TV.

8.) You turn on your intercom when leaving the room so you can hear if new e-mail arrives.

9.) Your wife drapes a blond wig over your monitor to remind you of what she looks like.

10.) All of your friends have an @ in their names.

11.) When looking at a web page full of someone else's links, you notice all of them are already highlighted in purple.

12.) Your dog has its own home page.

13.) You can't call your mother... She doesn't have a modem.

14.) You check your mail. It says "no new messages." So you check it again.

15.) Your phone bill is a heavy as a brick.

16.) You write your homework in HTML and give your instructor the URL.

17.) You don't know the sex of three of your closest friends, because they have neutral nicknames and you never bothered to ask.

18.) Your husband tells you that he has had the beard for 2 months.

19.) You wake up at 3 a.m. to go to the bathroom and stop and check your e-mail on the way back to bed.

20.) You tell the kids they can't use the computer because "Daddy's got work to do" -- even though you don't have a job.

21.) You buy a Captain Kirk chair with a built-in keyboard and mouse.

22.) Your wife makes a new rule: "The computer cannot come to bed."

23.) You get a tattoo that says "This body best viewed with Netscape 3.0 or higher."

24.) You never have to deal with busy signals when calling your ISP... because you never log off.

25.) The last girl you picked up was only a GIF.

26.) You ask a plumber how much it would cost to replace the chair in front of your computer with a toilet.

27.) Your wife says communication is important in a marriage... so you buy another computer and install a second phone line so the two of you can chat.

28.) As your car crashes through the guardrail on a mountain road, your first instinct is to search for the "back" button.

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Dirty Old Man

A dirty & ugly old man walks up to this voluptuously beautiful woman and says:
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"Would you sleep with me for 1 million dollars?"
"For 1 MILLION dollars, of course I would."
"Would you sleep with me for 5 dollars?"
"For 5 DOLLARS, What kind of girl do you take me for?"
"We already established what kind of girl you are, I'm just negotiating."
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Hit and Run
The hit-and-run victim was just getting to his feet when a policeman ran up to help.
"My mother-in-law just tried to run me over!" the shaken man told the cop.
"The car hit you from behind," the officer said. "How could you tell it was your mother-in-law?"
"I recognized the laugh!" he replied.
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Lemons

The woman applying for a job in a Florida lemon grove seemed way too qualified for the job.
Look Miss," said the foreman, "have you any actual experience in picking lemons?"
"Well, as a matter if fact, yes!" she replied. "I've been divorced three times."
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A policeman arrives at the scene of an accident, in which a car smashed into a tree.
The cop rushes over to the vehicle and asks the driver, "Are you seriously hurt?"
"How do I know?" the driver responds. "I'm not a lawyer!"
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The optimist: This glass is half full.
The pessimist: This glass is half empty.
The engineer: This container is twice as large as it needs to be.

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A man walked into a bar with his alligator and asked the bartender, "Do you serve lawyers here?".
"Sure do," replied the bartender.
"Good," said the man. "Give me a beer, and I'll have a lawyer for my' gator."
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A serious drunk walked into a bar and, after staring for some time at the only woman seated at the bar, walked over to her and took a firm hold of her left breast.
She jumped up and slapped him silly.
He immediately apologized and explained, "I'm sorry. I thought you were my wife. You look exactly like her."
"Why you worthless, insufferable, wretched, no good drunk!" she screamed.
"Funny," he muttered, "you even sound exactly like her."

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Submitted by, Cherine, Pawnee Rock, Ks. Thanks Cherine.........

Subject: PMS

10 WAYS TO KNOW IF YOU HAVE PMS
1. Everyone around you has an attitude problem.
2. You're adding chocolate chips to your cheese omelet
3. The dryer has shrunk every last pair of your jeans.
4. Your husband is suddenly agreeing to everything you say.
5. You're using your cellular phone to dial up every bumper sticker that says, "How's my driving-call 1-800-***-****."
6. Everyone's head looks like an invitation to batting practice.
7. You're convinced there's a God and he's male.
8. You're counting down the days until menopause.
9. You're sure that everyone is scheming to drive you crazy.
10. The ibuprofen bottle is empty and you bought it yesterday.

TOP TEN THINGS ONLY WOMEN UNDERSTAND

10. Cats' facial expressions
9. The need for the same style of shoes in different colors
8. Why bean sprouts aren't just weeds
7. Fat clothes
6. Taking a car trip without trying to beat your best time
5. The difference between beige, off-white, and eggshell
4. Cutting your bangs to make them grow
3. Eyelash curlers
2. The inaccuracy of every bathroom scale ever made
AND, the Number One thing only women understand:
1. OTHER WOMEN

Send this to five bright, funny women you know and make their day..

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Submitted by, Bird, on Grand Lake, Ok.

Please dear Lord, keep one hand on my shoulder and the other over my mouth. <*))))><

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Subject: School

A new two-year degree is being offered at Life University that many of you should be interested in: Becoming A Real Man.

That's right, in just six trimesters, you, too, can be a real man-as well as earn an AA degree (AA Real Men). Please take a moment to look over the program outline.

FIRST YEAR
Autumn Schedule:

MEN 101 Combating Stupidity
MEN 102 You, Too, Can Do Housework
MEN 103 PMS-Learn When to Keep Your Mouth Shut
MEN 104 We Do Not Want Sleazy Underthings for Christmas

Winter Schedule:

MEN 110 Wonderful Laundry Techniques
MEN 111 Understanding the Female Response to Getting in at 4am
MEN 112 Parenting: It Doesn't End with Conception
EAT 100 Get a Life, Learn to Cook
ECON 001A What's Hers is Hers

Spring Schedule:

MEN 120 How NOT to Act Like a Jerk When You're Wrong
MEN 121 Understanding Your Incompetence
MEN 122 YOU, the Weaker Sex
MEN 123 Reasons to Give Flowers

SECOND YEAR
Autumn Schedule:

SEX 101 You CAN Fall Asleep without It
SEX 102 Morning Dilemma: If It's Awake, Take a Shower
MEN 201 How to Stay Awake After Sex
MEN 202 How to Put the Toilet Seat Down Elective (See electives Below)

Winter Schedule:

MEN 210 The Remote Control: Overcoming Your Dependency
MEN 211 How to Not Act Younger than Your Children
MEN 212 You, Too, Can Be a Designated Driver
MEN 213 Honest, You Don't Look Like Tom Cruise, Especially When Naked
MEN 230A Her Birthdays and Anniversaries Are Important 1

Spring Schedule:

MEN 220 Omitting f*** from Your Vocabulary (Pass/Fail Only)
MEN 221 Fluffing the Blanket After Pooting Is Not Necessary
MEN 222 Real Men Ask for Directions
MEN 223 Thirty Minutes of Begging is NOT Considered Foreplay
MEN 230B Her Birthdays and Anniversaries Are Important 2

Course Electives:

EAT 101 Cooking with Tofu
EAT 102 Utilization of Eating Utensils
EAT 103 Burping and Belching Discreetly
MEN 231 Mothers-in-law
MEN 232 Appear to Be Listening
MEN 233 Just Say "Yes, Dear"
ECON 001B Cheaper to Keep Her (Must Pass ECON 001A)

And, to be fair.............

CONTINUING EDUCATION CLASSES FOR WOMEN

1. Combating the Imelda Marcos Syndrome:
You Do Not Need New Shoes Everyday.

2. Communication Skills:
Tears-The Last Resort, Not the First.

3. Silence, the Final Frontier:
Where No Woman Has Gone Before.

4. The Undiscovered Side of Banking:
Making Deposits.

5. Parties:
Going Without New Outfits.

6. Bathroom Etiquette I:
Men Need Space in the Bathroom Cabinet Too.

7. Bathroom Etiquette II:
His Razor Is His.

8. Valuation:
Just Because It's Not Important to You . . .

9. Telephone Skills:
How to Hang Up.

10. Advanced Parking:
Reversing Into A Space.

11. Overcoming Anal Retentive Behavior:
Leaving the Towels on the Floor.

12. Cooking:
How Not to Inflict Your Diets on Other People.

13. Compliments:
Accepting Them Gracefully.

14. Integrating Your Laundry:
Washing It All Together.

15. Sex:
It's For Married Couples Too.

16. "Do These Jeans Make My Butt Look Big?":
Learning Why Men Lie.

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1. Men are like department stores ....
their clothes should always be half off.

2. Men are like vacations ......
they never seem to be long enough.

3. Men are like computers....
hard to figure out and never have enough memory.

4. Men are like coolers....
load them with beer and you can take them anywhere.

5. Men are like chocolate bars....
sweet, smooth, and they usually head right for your hips.

6. Men are like coffee....
the best ones are rich, warm, and can keep you up all night.

7. Men are like horoscopes....
they always tell you what to do and are usually WRONG.

8. Men are like plungers....
they spend most of their lives in a hardware store or the bathroom.

9. Men are like cement....
after getting laid, they take a long time to get hard. (OUCH!)

10. Why are men like laxatives? They irritate the shit out of you.

11. Why did god create man? Because vibrators don't mow lawns.

12. What are two reasons men don't mind their own business?
No-mind-no business.

13. How are men and parking spots alike?
The good ones are taken and what's left is handicapped.

14 Why is it hard for women to find men who are sensitive,caring and good looking ?
Because those men already have boyfriends.

15. How is a man like a snowstorm? You never know when he's coming, how many inches you'll get or how long it will last.

16. Why are men given larger brains than dogs?
So, they don't hump women's legs at cocktail parties.

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Thirteen Signs That You Have Had Too Much of the 90's

1.) You tried to enter your password on the microwave.

2.) You now think of three espressos as: "getting wasted."

3.) You haven't played solitaire with a real deck of cards in years.

4.) You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of 3.

5.) You e-mail your son in his room to tell him that dinner is ready, and he e-mails you back "What's for dinner?"

6.) Your daughter sells Girl Scout Cookies via her web site.

7.) You chat several times a day with a stranger from South Africa, but you haven't spoken to your next door neighbor yet this year.

8.) You didn't give your valentine a card this year, but you posted one for your e-mail buddies via a web page.

9.) Your daughter just bought a C.D. of all the records your college roommate used to play.

10.) You check the ingredients on a can of chicken noodle soup to see if it contains Echinacea.

11.) You check your blow dryer to see if it's Y2K compliant.

12.) Your grandmother clogs up your e-mail Inbox, asking you to send her JPEG files of your newborn so she can create a screen saver.

13.) You pull up in your own driveway and use your cell phone to see if anyone is home.

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Submitted by, Jana, Des Moines, Ia.

How to Speak About Women and Be Politically Correct

She is not a BLEACHED BLONDE - She is PEROXIDE DEPENDENT.

She is not a BAD COOK - She is MICROWAVE COMPATIBLE.

She does not wear TOO MUCH JEWELRY - She is METALLICALLY OVERBURDENED.

She is not CONCEITED - She is INTIMATELY AWARE OF HER BEST QUALITIES.

She does not GAIN WEIGHT - She is a METABOLIC UNDERACHIEVER.

She is not a SCREAMER or MOANER - She is VOCALLY APPRECIATIVE.

She is not EASY - She is HORIZONTALLY ACCESSIBLE.

She does not TEASE or FLIRT - She engages in ARTIFICIAL STIMULATION.

She is not DUMB - She is a DETOUR OFF THE INFORMATION SUPERHIGHWAY.

She has not BEEN AROUND - She is a PREVIOUSLY ENJOYED COMPANION.

She does not WEAR TOO MUCH PERFUME - She commits FRAGRANCE ABUSE.

She does not GET YOU EXCITED - She causes TEMPORARY BLOOD DISPLACEMENT.

She is not KINKY - She is a NON-INHIBITED SEXUAL COMPANION.

She is not an AIRHEAD - She is REALITY IMPAIRED.

She does not get DRUNK or TIPSY - She gets CHEMICALLY INCONVENIENCED.

She does not get FAT or CHUBBY - She achieves MAXIMUM DENSITY.

She is not COLD or FRIGID - She is THERMALLY INACCESSIBLE.

She is not HORNY - She is SEXUALLY FOCUSED.

She does not WEAR TOO MUCH MAKEUP - She has reached COSMETIC SATURATION.

She does not have BREAST IMPLANTS - She is GRAVITY RESISTANT.

She does not NAG YOU - She becomes VERBALLY REPETITIVE

She is not a SLUT - She is SEXUALLY EXTROVERTED.

She is not LOOSE - She is MORALLY IMPAIRED.

She does not have MAJOR LEAGUE HOOTERS - She is PECTORALLY SUPERIOR.

`~`~`~`~`~`~`~`~`~`~`~`~`~`~`~`~`~`~`~`~`~`~`~`~`~`~`~`~`~`~`~`~`~`~`~`~`~`~`~`~`~`

HOW TO TALK ABOUT MEN AND STILL BE POLITICALLY CORRECT

He does not have a beer gut, He has developed a Liquid Grain Storage Facility.

He is not quiet, He is a Conversational Minimalist.

He is not stupid, He suffers from Minimal Cranial Development.

He does not get lost all the time, He discovers Alternative Destinations.

He is not balding, He is in Follicle Regression.

He is not a cradle robber, He prefers Generationally Differential Relationships.

He does not get falling-down drunk, He becomes Accidentally Horizontal.

He does not have his head up his BUTT, He suffers from Rectal-Cranial Inversion.

He is not short, He is Anatomically Compact.

He does not have a rich daddy, He is a Recipient of Parental Asset Infusion.

He does not constantly talk about cars, He has a Vehicular Addiction.

He does not have a hot body, He is Physically Combustible.

He is not unsophisticated, He is Socially Challenged.

He does not eat like a pig, He suffers from Reverse Bulimia.

He is not a bad dancer, He is Overly Caucasian.

He is not a sex machine, He is Romantically Automated.

He does not hog the blankets, He is Thermally Unappreciative.

He is not a male chauvinist pig, He has Swine Empathy.

He does not undress you with his eyes, He has an Introspective Pornographic Moment.

He is not afraid of commitment, He is Monogamously Challenged

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GEORGE CARLIN WITTICISMS

1) Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things.

2) One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.

3) Atheism is a nonprophet organization.

4) If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?

5) The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.

6) I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, "Where's the self-help section?" She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.

7) Could it be that all those trick-or-treaters wearing sheets aren't going as ghosts but as mattresses?

8) If a mute swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?

9) If a man is standing in the middle of the forest speaking and there is no woman around to hear him - is he still wrong?

10) If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?

11) Is there another word for synonym?

12) Isn't it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do "practice?"

13) Where do forest rangers go to "get away from it all?"

14) What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?

15) If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages?

16) Would a fly without wings be called a walk?

17) Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will clean them?

18) If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is he homeless or naked?

19) Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?

20) Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?

21) If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?

22) Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines?

23) How do they get the deer to cross at that yellow road sign?

24) Is it true that cannibals don't eat clowns because they taste funny?

25) What was the best thing before sliced bread?

26) I'm not schizophrenic. You only think we are.

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Why It's GREAT To Be A Guy

Your ass is never a factor in a job interview.
Your orgasms are real. Always.
Your last name stays put.
The garage is all yours.
Nobody secretly wonders if you swallow.
Wedding plans take care of themselves.
You don't have to curl up next to a hairy ass every night.
Chocolate is just another snack.
You can be president.
You can wear a white shirt to a water park.
Foreplay is optional.
You never feel compelled to stop a friend from getting laid.
Car mechanics tell you the truth.
You don't give a rat's ass if someone notices your new haircut.
The world is your urinal.
Hot wax never comes near your pubic area.
You never have to drive to another gas station because
this one's just to icky.
Same work ... more pay.
Wrinkles add character.
You don't have to leave the room to make emergency
crotch adjustments.
Wedding Dress $2000; Tux rental $100.
If you retain water, it's in a canteen.
People never glance at your chest when you're talking to them.
Princess Di's death was just another obituary.
The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected.
New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet.
Porn movies are designed with you in mind.
Not liking a person does not preclude having great sex with them.
Your pals can be trusted never to trap you with: "So, notice anything different?”
One mood, all the time.

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Submitted by, Jack, Larned, Ks.
Thanks Jack....

WOMEN'S ENGLISH:

Yes = No
No = Yes
Maybe = No
I'm sorry = You'll be sorry
We need = I want
It's your decision = The correct decision should be obvious by now
Do what you want = You'll pay for this later
We need to talk = I need to complain
Sure go ahead = I don't want you to
I'm not upset = Of course I'm upset, you moron!
You're so manly = You need a shave and you sweat a lot
You're certainly attentive tonight = Is sex all you ever think about?
Be romantic, turn out the lights = I have flabby thighs
This kitchen is so inconvenient = I want a new house
I want new curtains = and carpeting, and furniture, and wallpaper
Hang the picture there = NO, I mean hang it there!
I heard a noise = I noticed you were almost asleep
Do you love me? = I'm going to ask for something expensive
How much do you love me? = I did something today you're really not going to like
I'll be ready in a minute = Kick off your shoes and find a good game on TV
Is my butt fat? = Tell me I'm beautiful
You have to learn to communicate = Just agree with me
Are you listening to me!? =Too late, you're dead
Was that the baby? = Why don't you get out of bed and walk him until he goes to sleep
I'm not yelling! = Yes I am yelling because I think this is important
The same old thing = Nothing
Nothing = Everything
Everything = My PMS is acting up
Nothing, really = It's just that you're such an ass-hole

MEN'S ENGLISH:

I'm hungry = I'm hungry
I'm sleepy = I'm sleepy
I'm tired= I'm tired
Do you want to go to a movie? = I'd like to have sex with you
Can I take you out to dinner? = I'd like to have sex with you
Can I call you sometime? = I'd like to have sex with you
May I have this dance? = I'd like to have sex with you
Nice dress! = Nice cleavage!
You look tense, let me give you a massage = I want to fondle you
What's wrong? = I don't see why you are making such a big deal out of this
What's wrong? = What meaningless self-inflicted psychological trauma are
you going through now?
What's wrong? = I guess sex tonight is out of the question
I'm bored = Do you want to have sex?
I love you = Let's have sex now
I love you, too = Okay, I said it, we'd better have sex now!
Yes, I like the way you cut your hair = I liked it better before
Yes, I like the way you cut your hair = $50 and it doesn't look that much different!
Let's talk = I am trying to impress you by showing that I am a deep person and maybe then you'd like to have sex with me
Will you marry me? = I want to make it illegal for you to have sex with other guys
(While Shopping) I like that one better = Pick any freakin' dress and let's go home!

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1. Don't go for looks, they can deceive; don't go for wealth - even that fades away. Go for someone who makes you smile because only a smile makes a dark day seem bright. Hope you find that person.

2. There are moments in life when you really miss someone that you want to pick them from your dreams and hug them for real! Hope you dream of that someone.

3. Dream what you want to dream; go where you want to go; be what you want to be cuz you have only one life and one chance to do all the things you want in life.

4. May you have enough happiness to make you sweet, enough trials to make you strong, enough sorrow to keep you human, enough hope to make you happy and enough money to buy me gifts.

5. When one door of happiness closes, another opens but often we look so long at the closed door that we don't see the one which has been opened for us.

6. The best kind of friend is the one you could sit on a porch swing with, never saying a word, and then walk away feeling like that was the best conversation you've ever had.

7. It's true that we don't know what we've got until we lose it, but it's also true that we don't know what we've been missing until it arrives.

8. Always put yourself in other's shoes. If you feel that it hurts you, it probably does hurt the other person, too.

9. A careless word may kindle strife; a cruel word may wreck a life; a timely word may level stress; a loving word may heal and bless.

10. The beginning of love is to let those we love be perfectly themselves, and not to twist them with our own image - otherwise, we love only the reflection of ourselves we find in them.

11. The happiest of people don't necessarily have the best of everything; they just make the most of everything that comes along their way.

12. Maybe God wants us to meet a few wrong people before meeting the right one so that when we finally meet the right person, we should know how to be grateful for that gift.

13. It takes a minute to have a crush on someone, an hour to like someone and a day to love someone - but it takes a lifetime to forget someone.

14. Happiness lies for those who cry, those who hurt, those who have searched and those who have tried, for only they can appreciate the importance of people who have touched their lives.

15. Love is when you take away the feeling, the passion, the romance - and you find out you still care for that person.

16 A sad thing about life is that when you meet someone who means a lot to you only to find out in the end that it was never bound to be and you just have to let go.

17. Love starts with a smile, develops with a kiss and ends with a tear.

18. Love comes to those who still hope even though they've been disappointed, to those who still believe even though they've been betrayed, to those who still love even though they've been hurt before.

19. It hurts to love someone and not be loved in return, but what is the most painful is to love someone and never finding the courage to let the person know how you feel.

20. The brightest future will always be based on a forgotten past, you can't go on well in life until you let go of your past failures and heartaches.

21. Never say good-bye when you still want to try - never give up when you still feel you can take it - never say you don't love that person anymore when you can't let go.

22. Giving someone all your love is never an assurance that they'll love you back! Don't expect love in return, just wait for it to grow in their hearts but if it doesn't, be content it grew in yours.

23. There are things you love to hear but you would never hear it from the person whom you would like to hear it from, but don't be deaf to hear it from the person who says it with his heart.

24. When you were born, you were crying and everyone around you was smiling - live your life so that when you die, you're smiling and everyone around you is crying.

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Submitted by, Toni, Hays, Ks.
Thanks Toni.....

Men are like....Floor tile.
Lay them right the first time and you can walk on them for a lifetime.

Men are like....Placemats.
They only show up when there's food on the table.

Men are like....Mascara.
They usually run at the first sign of emotion.

Men are like....Bike helmets.
Handy in an emergency, but otherwise they just look silly.

Men are like....Government bonds.
They take so long to mature.

Men are like....Parking spots.
The good ones are taken, and the rest are too small.

Men are like....Copiers.
You need them for reproduction, but that's about it.

Men are like....Lava lamps.
Fun to look at, but not all that bright.

Men are like....Bank accounts.
Without a lot of money, they don't generate much interest.

Men are like....High heels.
They're easy to walk on once you get the hang of it.

Men are like....Curling irons.
They're always hot, and they're always in your hair.

Men are like....Mini skirts.
If you're not careful, they'll creep up your legs.

Men are like....Bananas.
The older they get, the less firm they are.

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Ah, yes, divorce, from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man's genitals through his wallet.

-Robin Williams

Women complain about premenstrual syndrome, but I think of it as the only time of the month that I can be myself.

-Roseanne

Women need a reason to have sex. Men just need a place.

-Billy Crystal

I just broke up with someone and the last thing she said to me was, 'You'll never find anyone like me again!' I'm thinking, "I should hope not! If I don't want you, why would I want someone like you?"

-Larry Miller

If you want to say it with flowers, a single rose says: "I'm cheap!"

-Delta Burke

You can say any foolish thing to a dog, and the dog will give you this look that says, "My God, you're right! I never would've thought of that!"

-Dave Barry

According to a new survey, women say they feel more comfortable undressing in front of men than they do undressing in front of other women. They say that women are too judgemental, where, of course, men are just grateful.

-Jay Leno

I am not the boss of my house. I don't know when I lost it. I don't know if I ever had it. But I have seen the boss's job and I do not want it.

-Bill Cosby

In the last couple of weeks I have seen the ads for the Wonder Bra. Is that really a problem in this country? Men not paying enough attention to women's breasts?

-Jay Leno

My mom said the only reason men are alive is for lawn care and vehicle maintenance.

-Tim Allen

We have women in the military, but they don't put us in the front lines. They don't know if we can fight, if we can kill. I think we can. All the general has to do is walk over to the women and say, "You see the enemy over there? They say you look fat in those uniforms."

-Elayne Boosler

Always be nice to your children because they are the ones who will choose your rest home.

-Phyllis Diller

There's a new medical crisis. Doctors are reporting that many men are having allergic reactions to latex condoms. They say they cause severe swelling. So what's the problem?

-Jay Leno

When the sun comes up, I have morals again.

-Elayne Boosler

The post office says they're raising the price of stamps by one cent because they need to upgrade their equipment. Apparently, they're going from semi-automatics to uzis.

-Conan O'Brien

Men look at women the way men look at cars. Everyone looks at Ferraris. Now and then we like a pickup truck, and we all buy station wagons.

-Tim Allen

There's very little advice in men's magazines, because men don't think there's a lot they don't know. Women do. Women want to learn. Men think, "I know what I'm doing, just show me somebody naked."

-Jerry Seinfield

Men are liars. We'll lie about lying if we have to. I'm an algebra liar. I figure two good lies make a positive.

-Tim Allen

AT&T is now offering a new service that allows you to pay your bills through your TV screen by using your remote control. So instead of saying, "The check's in the mail," people are going to say, "Hey, I wanted to pay, but I couldn't find the remote."

-Jay Leno

You make the beds, you do the dishes, and six months later you have to start all over again.

-Joan Rivers

A survey says that American workers work the first three hours every day just to pay their taxes.So that's why we can't get anything done in the morning: We're government workers!

-Jay Leno

Electricity can be dangerous. My nephew tried to stick a penny into a plug. Whoever said a penny doesn't go far didn't see him shoot across that floor. I told him he was grounded.

-Tim Allen

Men do not like to admit to even momentary imperfection. My husband forgot the code to turn off the alarm. When the police came, he wouldn't admit he'd forgotten the code.....he turned himself in.

-Rita Rudner

If you can't beat them, arrange to have them beaten.

-George Carlin

That married couples can live together day after day is a miracle that the Vatican has overlooked.

-Bill Cosby

I am a marvelous housekeeper. Every time I leave a man I keep his house.

-Zsa Zsa Gabor

When I was in Boy Scouts, I slipped on the ice and hurt my ankle. A little old lady had to help me across the street.

-Steven Wright

After making love I said to my girl, "Was it good for you too?" And she said, "I don't think this was good for anybody."

-Gary Shandling

Instead of getting married again, I'm going to find a woman I don't like and give her a house.

-Lewis Grizzard

The problem with the designated driver program, it's not a desirable job. But if you ever get sucked into doing it, have fun with it. At the end of the night, drop them off at the wrong house.

-Jeff Foxworthy

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HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT WOMEN (excluding mother) AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT:

She is not a BABE or a CHICK - She is a BREASTED AMERICAN.

She is not a BLEACHED BLONDE - She is PEROXIDE DEPENDENT.

She is not an UNTOUCHABLE SNOB - She is a SCRATCH RESISTANT MODEL.

She is not a BAD COOK - She is MICROWAVE COMPATIBLE.

She is not HALFNAKED - She is WARDROBE IMPAIRED.

She does not wear TOO MUCH JEWELRY - She is METALLICALLY OVERBURDENED.

She is not CONCEITED - She is INTIMATELY AWARE OF HER BEST QUALITIES.

She does not want to be MARRIED - She wants to lock you in DOMESTIC INCARCERATION.

She does not GAIN WEIGHT - She is a METABOLIC UNDERACHIEVER.

She is not a SCREAMER or MOANER - She is VOCALLY APPRECIATIVE.

She is not EASY - She is HORIZONTALLY ACCESSIBLE.

She does not TEASE or FLIRT - She engages in ARTIFICIAL STIMULATION.

She is not DUMB - She is a DETOUR OFF THE INFORMATION SUPERHIGHWAY.

She is not TOO SKINNY - She is SKELETALLY PROMINENT.

She does not HAVE A MUSTACHE - She is IN TOUCH WITH HER MASCULINE SIDE.

She does not HATE TELEVISED SPORTS - She is ATHLETICALLY IGNORANT.

She has not BEEN AROUND - She is a PREVIOUSLY ENJOYED COMPANION.

She does not WEAR TOO MUCH PERFUME - She commits FRAGRANCE ABUSE.

She does not GET YOU EXCITED - She causes TEMPORARY BLOOD DISPLACEMENT.

She is not KINKY - She is a CREATIVE CARETAKER.

She does not have a KILLER BODY - She is TERMINALLY ATTRACTIVE.

She does not GO SHOPPING - She is MALL FLUENT.

She is not an AIRHEAD - She is REALITY IMPAIRED.

She does not get DRUNK or TIPSY - She gets CHEMICALLY INCONVENIENCED.

She doesnot get FAT or CHUBBY - She achieves MAXIMUM DENSITY.

She is not COLD or FRIGID - She is THERMALLY INACCESSIBLE.

She is not HORNY - She is SEXUALLY FOCUSED.

She does not WEAR TOO MUCH MAKEUP - She has reached COSMETIC SATURATION.

She does not have BREAST IMPLANTS - She is MEDICALLY ENHANCED.

She does not NAG YOU - She becomes VERBALLY REPETITIVE.

She is not a SLUT - She is SEXUALLY EXTROVERTED.

She is not LOOSE - She is ELASTICALLY UNDERPRIVILEGED.

She does not have MAJOR LEAGUE HOOTERS - She is PECTORALLY SUPERIOR.

She is not a TWO BIT WHORE - She is a LOW COST PROVIDER.

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Thirteen Signs That You Have Had Too Much of the 90's