Lit'l Naughties"

"The Flasher"

Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs are roaming in the forest when they come across a lake. The water was enticing and Snow-White decides to take a bath. So she tells the Dwarfs to turn around while she is taking a bath in the lake. The Dwarfs protest vehemently because they want to take a bath too.

Snow White relents and says "When I get into the water and you hear the splash, you can turn around."

Snow White undresses and as she is about to jump into water, at that very moment, she is startled by a frog who jumps into the water before she can. The moment the Dwarfs hear the SPLASH, they turn around and see Snow White standing NAKED.

Now, given that this incident is an idea for an ad, what product is being advertised?

Scroll down for the answer.
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"SEVEN UP"

Son: "Dad I have to do a special report for school. Can I ask you a question?"

Dad: Sure son, what`s the question?

Son: What is POLITICS?

Dad: Well, let`s take our home for example, I am the wage earner so lets call me MANAGEMENT. Your mother is the administrator of the money so we`ll call her GOVERNMENT. We take care of you and your needs so let`s call you the PEOPLE. We`ll call the maid the WORKING CLASS and your baby brother the FUTURE. Do you understand?

Son: I`m not really sure. Dad, I`ll have to think about it.

That night the boy was awakened by his baby brother`s crying so the boy went to see what was wrong. Discovering the baby had seriously soiled his diaper, the son went to his parents` room and found his mother sound asleep. He then went to the maid`s room, where peeking through the keyhole, he saw his father in bed with the maid. The boy`s knocking went totally unheard by his father and the maid so the boy returned to his room and went back to sleep.

The next morning...................

Son: Dad, now I think I understand POLITICS.

Dad: That`s great son, explain it to me in your own words.

Son: Well, Dad, while MANAGEMENT is screwing the WORKING CLASS, the GOVERNMENT is sound asleep. The PEOPLE are being completely ignored and the FUTURE is full of crap.

"A POLITICIAN..??? "

A bunch of Indians capture a cowboy and bring him back to their camp to meet the chief. The chief says to the cowboy, "You going to die. But, we sorry for you, so we give you one wish a day for three days. On sundown of third day, you will die. What is first wish?"

The cowboy says, "I want to see my horse."

The Indians get his horse. The cowboy grabs the horse's ear and whispers something, then slaps the horse on the back. The horse takes off. Two hours later, the horse comes back with a naked blonde. She jumps off the horse and goes into the teepee with the cowboy. The Indians look at each other, figuring, "Typical white man - can only think of one thing. "The second day, the chief says, "What your wish today?"

The cowboy says, "I want to see my horse again."

The Indians bring him his horse. The cowboy leans over to the horse and whispers something in the horse's ear, then slaps it on the back. Two hours later, the horse comes back with a naked redhead. She gets off and goes in the teepee with the cowboy. The Indians shake their heads, figuring, "Typical white man - going to die tomorrow and can only think of one thing."

The last day comes, and the chief says, "This your last wish, white man. What you want? "The cowboy says, "I want to see my horse again." The Indians bring him his horse. The cowboy grabs the horse by both ears, twists them hard and yells, "Read my lips! POSSE, damn it!!"

A woman desperately looking for work goes into Irwin.
The Personnel Manager goes over her resume and explains to her that he regrets he has nothing worthy of her.
The woman answers that she really needs work and will take almost anything.
The Personnel Manager hums and haws and finally says he does have a low skill job on the "Tickle Me Elmo" line and nothing else.
The woman happily accepts.
He takes her down to the line and explains her duties and that she should be in at 8:00 AM the next day.
The next day at 8:45 there's a knock at the Personnel Manager's door.
The "Tickle Me Elmo" line manager comes in and starts ranting about the woman just hired.
After screaming for 15 minutes about how badly backed up the assembly line is, the Personnel Manager suggested he show him the problem.

Together they head down to the line and sure enough Elmos are backed up from here to kingdom come.
Right at the end of the line is the woman just hired, she has pulled over a roll of the fabric used for making the Elmos, and she also has a big bag of marbles.
They both watch as she cuts a little piece of fabric, takes 2 marbles, and starts sowing them between Elmo's legs.

The Personnel Manager starts to kill himself laughing.
Finally, after 20 minutes of rolling around, he pulls himself together and walks over to the new employee and says:
"I'm sorry, I guess you misunderstood me yesterday. What I wanted you to do was give Elmo two test-tickles."

All the organs of the body were having a meeting, trying to decide who was in charge.

"I should be in charge", said the brain, "because I run all the body's systems, so without me nothing would happen".

"I should be in charge", said the blood, "because I circulate oxygen all over, so without me you'd all waste away".

"I should be in charge", said the stomach, "because I process food and give all of you energy".

"I should be in charge" said the legs, "because I carry the body wherever it needs to go."

"I should be in charge" said the eyes, "because I allow the body to see where it goes."

"I should be in charge", said the rectum, "because I'm responsible for waste removal".

All the other body parts laughed at the rectum and insulted him, so in a huff, he shut down tight. Within a few days, the brain had a terrible headache, the stomach was bloated, the legs got wobbly the eyes got wattery and the blood was toxic.
They all decided that the rectum should be the boss.

The moral of the story?
You don't have to be important to be in charge... just an asshole

A couple was golfing one day on a very, very exclusive golf course, lined with million dollar houses. On the third tee the husband said, "Honey, be very careful when you drive the ball - don't knock out any windows. It'll cost us a fortune to fix."

The wife teed up and shanked it right through the window of the biggest house on the course. The husband cringed and said, "I told you to watch out for the houses! All right, let's go up there, apologize and see how much this is going to cost."

They walked up, knocked on the door, and heard a voice say, "Come on in." They opened the door and saw glass all over the floor and a broken bottle lying on its side in the foyer.

A man on the couch said, "Are you the people that broke my window?"
"Uh, yeah. Sorry about that." the husband replied.

"No, actually I want to thank you - I'm a genie that was trapped for a thousand years in that bottle. You've released me. I'm allowed to grant three wishes - I'll give you each one wish, and I'll keep the last one for myself."
"OK, great!" the husband said. " I want a million dollars a year for the rest of my life."
"No problem - it's the least I could do. And you, what do you want?" the genie said, looking at the wife.
"I want a house in every country of the world," she said. "Consider it done," the genie replied.

"And what's your wish, genie?", the husband said.

"Well, since I've been trapped in that bottle, I haven't had sex with a woman in a thousand years. My wish is to sleep with your wife."
The husband looks at the wife and said, "Well, we did get a lot of money and all those houses, honey. I guess I don't care." (And neither did the wife.)
The genie took the wife upstairs and ravished her for two hours. After it was over, the genie rolled over, looked at the wife, and said, "How old is your husband, anyway?"
"35." she replied.
"And he still believes in genies? That's amazing..."

A little girl was puzzled as to her origin. "How did I get here, Mommy?"
Her mommy said, using a well-worn phrase, "God sent you." "And did God send you too, Mommy?"
"Yes, dear, He did."
"And grandma and great grandma and daddy, too?" asked the little girl? Again the answer was "yes."

The child shook her head in disbelief. "Then you mean to tell me there has been no sex in this family for 200 years?!. . .No wonder everyone is so cranky!"

Submitted by, Ken, Duncan, Ok.

Sheryl, who is manager of all the Commercial Assets employees, decided she would invite all of them to join her Baptist chruch in Edmond. A month ago, Sheryl took them all to her church and encouraged all of them to join. All of them appeared to be interested and so Sheryl took them forward to meet her pastor.

The pastor said, "We have special requirements for new members. You must abstain from having sex for two weeks."

The couples agree and came back at the end of two weeks.

The pastor went to the older Ed and his wife and asked, "Were you able to abstain from sex for the two weeks?" The older Ed replied, "No problem at all pastor."
"Congratulations! Welcome to the church!," said the pastor.

The pastor went to the middle aged Mike and Laura and asked, "Were you able to abstain from sex for the two weeks?" Mike replied, "The first week was not too bad. The second week I had to sleep on the couch for a couple of nights but, yes we made it."
"Congratulations! Welcome to the church!"

Then the pastor went to the newlywed Frankie Williams and his young wife and asked, "Were you able to abstain from having sex for the two weeks?" "No pastor, we were not able to go without sex for the two weeks," the young man replied sadly.
"What happened?" inquired the pastor.
"My wife was reaching for a can on the top shelf and dropped it. When she bent over to pick it up, I was overcome with lust and I took advantage of her right there."

"You understand you will not be welcome in our church," stated the pastor.
"I figured that" said the young man, "We're not welcome at Wal-Mart anymore either."

A lady approaches her priest and tells him, "Father, I have a problem.
I have two female talking parrots, but they only know how to say one thing."

"What do they say?" the priest inquired.

"They only know how to say, 'Hi, we're prostitutes. 'Want to have some fun?'"

"That's terrible!" the priest exclaimed, "but I have a solution to your problem. Bring your two female parrots over to my house and I will put them with my two male talking parrots whom I taught to pray and read the bible.

My parrots will teach your parrots to stop saying that terrible phrase and your female parrots will learn to praise and worship."

"Thank you!" the woman responded.

The next day the woman brings her female parrots to the priest's house. His two male parrots are holding rosary beads and praying in their cage. The lady puts her two female parrots in with the male parrots and the female parrots say,
"Hi, we're prostitutes, want to have some fun?"

One male parrot looks over at the other male parrot and exclaims, "Put the beads away. Our prayers have been answered!"

There was a little old man who really took care of his body.
He lifted weights and jogged six miles every day. One morning he looked into the mirror and was admiring his body when he noticed that he was suntanned over his entire body with the exception of ζ****ζ .
He decided to do something about it. So he went to the Beach, undressed completely, and buried himself in the sand except for ζ****ζ.

Just then two little old ladies were strolling along the Beach, one walking with a cane. Upon seeing this "thing" sticking out of the sand, she began to move it about with her cane. She remarked to the other little old lady, "There ain't hardly no justice in this world."
The other little old lady asked, "What do you mean by that?"

"Well," the first lady said,
"When I was 20, I was curious about it."
"When I was 30, I enjoyed it.."
"When I was 40, I asked for it."
"When I was 50, I paid for it."
"When I was 60, I prayed for it."
When I was 70, I forgot about it."
"And now that I'm 80, the Damn things are growing Wild, and I'm too old to squat!"

Subject: ” THE BATH “

Doris & Fred had started their retirement years and decided to raise some extra cash by advertising for a lodger in their 2 up 2 down terrace house.

After a few days a young attractive woman applies for the room and explains that she is a model working in a nearby city centre studio for a few weeks and that she would like the room for Mondays to Thursdays but would pay for the whole week.

Doris shows her the house and they agree to start straight away. "There's just one problem" explains the model " because of my job I have to have a bath every night, and I notice you don't have a bath?"

"That's not a problem" replies Doris "we have a tin bath out in the yard and we bring it in to the living room, in front of the fire, and fill it with hot water."
"What about you're husband?" asks the model.
"Oh he plays darts most weekdays - so he will be out in the evenings." replies Doris.
"Good" says the model " that being settled, I'll go to the studio and see you tonight."

That evening Fred dutifully goes to his darts match whilst Doris prepares the bath for the model. After stripping off the model steps into the bath and Doris is amazed to see that she has no pubic hair. The model notices Doris's staring eyes, smiles and explains that it is part of her job to shave her pussy especially when modeling swimwear or underclothes.

Later when Fred returns, Doris relates this oddity and he does not believe her.
"It's true I tell you" says Doris "look, if you don't believe me, tomorrow night I'll leave the curtains slightly open and you can peek in and see for yourself."

The next night Fred leaves as usual and Doris prepares the bath for the model. As the model steps naked into the bath - Doris, standing behind her, looks towards the curtains, and points towards the model's naked pussy. Then she lifts up her skirt and wearing no panties,points to her own hairy mass.

Later Fred returns and they retire to bed.
"Well do you believe me now?" she asks Fred.
"Yes", he replies, "I've never seen anything like it in my life. But why did you lift up your skirt and show your hairy twat?"
"Just to show you the difference," answers Doris, "But anyway you've seen my pussy millions of times?"

"Yes", says Fred, "I have...but the rest of the darts team hasn't."

A young man wanted to purchase a gift for his new sweethearts birthday, and as they had not been dating very long, after careful consideration he decided a pair of gloves would strike the right note:
romantic but not too personal. Accompanied by his sweetheart's younger sister, he went to Nordstrom's and bought a pair of white gloves.
The sister purchased a pair of panties for herself.
During the wrapping, the clerk mixed up the items and the sister got the gloves and the sweetheart got the panties.

Without checking the contents, the young man sealed the package and sent it to his sweetheart with the following note:

"I chose these because I noticed that you are not in the habit of wearing any when we go out in the evening. If it had not been for your sister, I would have chosen the long ones with the buttons but she wears short ones that are easier to remove.
These are a delicate shade, but the lady I bought them from showed me the pair she had been wearing for the past three weeks and they are hardly soiled.
I had her try yours on for me and she looked really smart.
I wish I was there to put them on for you the first time as no doubt other hands will come in contact with them before I have a chance to see you again.
When you take them off, remember to blow in them before putting them away as they will naturally be a little damp from wearing.
Just think how many times I will kiss them during the coming year!
I hope you will wear them for me on Friday night."

All my love.

P.S. The latest style is to wear them folded down with a little fur showing

Subject:

Finally, something other than smiley faces.... :)

(o)(o) perfect breasts

( + )( + ) fake silicone breasts

(*)(*) high nipple breasts

(@)(@) big nipple breasts

oo a cups

{ O }{ O } d cups

(oYo) wonder bra breasts

( ^ )( ^ ) cold breasts

(o)(O) lopsided breasts

(Q)(O) pierced breasts

(p)(p) hanging tassels breasts

\o/\o/ Grandma's breasts

( - )( - ) flat against the shower door breasts

|o||o| android breasts

($)($) Jenny McCarthy's breasts

-`-`-`-`-`-`-`-`-`-`-`-`-`-`-`-`-`-`-`-`-`-`-`-`-`-`-`-`-`-`-

And God created woman and she had 3 breasts.

He then asked the woman, "Is there anything you'd like to have changed?"
She replied, "Yes, could get rid of this middle breast?"
And so it was done, and it was good.

Then the woman exclaimed, as she was holding that third breast in her hand, "What can be done with this useless boob?"

And God created man.

"Mickey's Monday Blues..."

Subject:

Shit may just be the most powerful word in the English language.

CONSIDER THIS:

* You can be shit faced, be shit out of luck, or have shit for brains.
* With a little effort you can get your shit together, find a place for your shit or decide to shit or get off the pot.
* You can smoke shit, buy shit, sell shit, lose shit, find shit, forget shit, and tell others to eat shit and die.
* You can shit or go blind, have a shit fit or just shit your life away.
* People can be shit headed, shit brained, shit blinded, and shit over.
* Some people know their shit while others can't tell the difference between shit and Shineola.
* There are lucky shits, dumb shits, crazy shits, and sweet shits.
* There is bull shit, and horse shit and chicken shit.
* You can throw shit, sling shit, catch shit, or duck when the shit hits the fan.
* You can take a shit, give a shit, or serve shit on a shingle.
* You can find yourself in deep shit, or be happier than a pig in shit.
* Some days are colder than shit, some days are hotter than shit, and some days are just plain shitty.
* Some music sounds like shit, things can look like shit, and there are times when you feel like shit.
* You can have too much shit, not enough shit, the right shit, the wrong shit or a lot of weird shit.
* You can carry shit, have a mountain of shit, or find yourself up shit creek without a paddle.
* Sometimes you really need this shit and sometimes you don't want any
* Sometimes everything you touch turns to shit and other times you swim in a lake of shit and come out smelling like a rose.
* And remember, once you know your shit, you don't need to know anything else.
* Now if you’ve got all this.. you may want to make a ‘shit list’.. and send this to everyone listed... ‘;o)

‘!‘ If you can offer another ‘shitty’ comment, go for it... mail it to me at this address....‘!‘
thanks, Jan

A man came home from work one day to find his wife sitting on the front porch with her bags packed.
He asked her where she was going and she replied "I'm going away from here."
He questioned her as to why she was going and she told him "I just found out that I can make 400 bucks a night doing what I give you for free".
He pondered that, then went into the house and packed his bags and returned to the porch with his wife.
She said "And just where do you think you are going?"
He replied "I'm going too".
"Why?" She asked.
He said "I want to see how you you are going to live on $800 a year".

A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey.
He orders a drink and while he's drinking the monkey jumps all around the place.
The monkey grabs some olives off the bar and eats them, then grabs some sliced limes and eats them, then jumps onto the pool table, grabs one of the billiard balls, sticks it in his mouth, and to everyone's amazement, somehow swallows it whole.
The bartender screams at the guy "Did you see what your monkey just did?" The guy says "No, what?"
"He just ate the cue ball off my pool table---whole!"

"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the guy, "He eats everything in sight, the little bastard.
Sorry. I'll pay for the cue ball andstuff".

He finishes his drink, pays his bill, pays for the stuff the monkey ate, then leaves.

Two weeks later he's in the bar again, and has his monkey with him.
He orders a drink and the monkey starts running around the bar again. While the man is finishing his drink, the monkey finds a maraschino cherry on the bar. He grabs it, sticks it up his butt, pulls it out, and eats it.

The bartender is disgusted. "Did you see what your monkey did now?" he asks.
"No, what?" replies the guy. "Well, he stuck a maraschino cherry up his butt, pulled it out, and ate it!" said the bartender.

"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me", replied the guy. "He still eats everything in sight, but ever since he swallowed that cue ball, he measures everything first."

A few months ago, there was an opening with the CIA for an assassin.
These highly classified positions are hard to fill, and there's a lot of testing and background checks involved before you can even be considered for the position. After sending some applicants through the background checks, training and testing, they narrowed the possible choices down to 2 men and a woman, but only one position was available for an assassin.

The day came for the final test to see which person would get the extremely secretive job. The CIA men administering the test took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun.
"We must know that you will follow your instructions no matter what the circumstances", they explained.
"Inside this room, you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Take this gun and kill her."

The man got a shocked look on his face and said "You can't be serious! I could never shoot my own wife!"
"Well", says the CIA man, "You're definitely not the right man for this job then."

So they bring the second man to the same door and hand him a gun. "We must know that you will follow instructions no matter what the circumstances ", they explained to the second man.
"Inside you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Take this gun and kill her."
The second man looked a bit shocked, but nevertheless took the gun and went in the room. All was quiet for about 5 minutes, then the door opened. The man came out of the room with tears in his eyes.
"I tried to shoot her, but I just couldn't pull the trigger and shoot my wife. I guess I'm not the right man for the job."
"No" the CIA man replied, "You don't have what it takes. Take your wife and go home."

Now they're down to the woman left to test. Again they lead her to the same door to the same room and hand her the same gun. "We must be sure that you will follow instructions no matter what the circumstances, this is your final test. Inside you will find your husband sitting in a chair. Take this gun and kill him." The woman took the gun and opened the door.
Before the door even closed all the way, the CIA heard the gun start firing. One shot after another for 13 shots. Then all hell broke loose in the room.
They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls. This went on for several minutes, then all went quiet. The door opened slowly, and there stood the woman. She wiped the sweat from her brow and said "You guys didn't tell me the gun was loaded with blanks!
I had to beat the son of a bitch to death with the chair!"

Submitted by, Jana, West Des Moines, Ia. Thanks Jana........

Mister Fix It

A husband is at home watching a football game when his wife interrupts,
"Honey, could you fix the light in the hallway? It's been flickering for weeks now."
He looks at her and says angrily, "Fix the light? Now? Does it look like I have a "GE" logo printed on my forehead? I don't think so."

"Well then, could you fix the fridge door? It won't close right."
To which he replied, "Fix the fridge door? Does it look like I have "Westinghouse" written on my forehead? I don't think so."

"Fine," she says, "Then could you at least fix the steps to the front door? They're about to break."
"I'm not a damn carpenter and I don't want to fix the steps," he says.
"Does it look like I have "Ace Hardware" written on my forehead? I don't think so. I've had enough of you. I'm going to the bar!!!"

So he goes to the bar and drinks for a couple hours. He starts to feel guilty about how he treated his wife, and decides to go home and help out.
As he walks into the house, he notices the steps are already fixed. As he enters the house, he sees the hall light is working. As he goes to get a beer, he notices the fridge door is fixed. "Honey, how'd this all get fixed?"
She said, "Well, when you left, I sat outside and cried. Just then a nice young man asked me what was wrong, and I told him. He offered to do all the repairs, and all I had to do was either have sex with him or bake him a cake."

He said, "So, what kind of cake did you bake him?"

She replied, "Hellooooooo........ Do you see Betty Crocker written on my forehead? I don't think so."

Subject:” Old Man’s Wedding Night”

An 85 year old man marries a lovely 25 year old woman.
Because her new husband is so old the woman decides that on their wedding night they should have separate suites. She is concerned that the old fellow could over exert himself.
After the festivities she prepares herself for bed and for the knock on the door she is expecting. Sure enough the knock comes and there is her groom ready for action.

They unite in conjugal union and all goes well whereupon he takes his leave of her and she prepares to go to sleep for the night.

After a few minutes there's a knock on the door and there the old guy is again ready for more action. Somewhat surprised she consents to further coupling, which is again successful after which the octogenarian bids her a fond good night and leaves.

She is certainly ready for slumber at this point and is close to sleep for the second time when there is another knock at the door and there he is again fresh as a 25 year old and ready for more. Once again they do the horizontal boogie.

As they're laying in afterglow the young bride says to him, "I am really impressed that a guy your age has enough juice to go for it three times. I've been with guys less than half your age who were only good for one."

The old guy looks puzzled and turns to her and says, "Was I already here?"

Cowboy on the Range

A cowboy was riding his horse across his pasture. A snake spooked his horse and bucked the cowboy off. The cowboy cursed at the snake and yelled "Don't bite me!"

The snake said "NO, I'm a genie snake, I can give you three wishes. What would you like me to grant you?" The cowboy thought for a minute...then said "A million dollars in the bank." The snake said, "Granted, next." Again the cowboy thought. Then said "The most beautiful wife in the world."

The snake said, "Granted, next." Then with a great big smile on his face he said "I want to be hung like MY horse." The snake said "Granted" and slithered off.

The cowboy got on his horse and rode home as fast as the horse would take him. He ran into the house and into his bedroom. There stretched across his bed in a sexy negligee was the most beautiful woman in the world.

So he picked up the phone called the bank and asked for his balance. The bank told him he had one million and forty nine dollars. He rushed into the bathroom. Unzipped his pants and let out the most blood curdling cry. "Dammit, I forgot I was riding OLD NELLIE!"

Two nuns were in back of the convent smoking cigarettes, when one said,
"It's bad enough that we have to sneak out here to smoke, but it really is a problem getting rid of the cigarette butts so that Mother Superior doesn't find them."

The second nun said, "I've found a marvelous invention called the condom, which works really well for this problem. You just open up the packet, take out the condom, and put the cigarette **** in, roll it up and dispose of it all later!"

The first nun was quite impressed and asked where she could find them.
"You get them at the drug store, sister, just go and ask the pharmacist for them."

The next day the good sister went to the drug store and walked up to the counter. "Good morning sister," said the pharmacist. "What can I do for you today? "I'd like some condoms please," said the nun.

The pharmacist was a little taken aback, but recovered soon enough and asked "How many boxes would you like, there are twelve to a box."
"I'll take twelve boxes-that should last about a week" said the nun.

The pharmacist was truly flabbergasted by this time, and was almost afraid to ask any more questions, but his professionalism prevailed and he asked in a clear voice,
"Sister, what size condoms would you like?

The sister thought for a minute, and finally said "I'm not certain, perhaps you could recommend a good size for a Camel?"
The pharmacist promptly passed out.

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