3 Nuns & a Father
=--=
Three nuns were talking.
The first nun said, "I was cleaning in
Father's room the other day and do you know what I found?
A bunch of
pornographic magazines."
"What did you do?" the other nuns asked.
"Well, of course I threw them in the trash."
The second nun said, "Well, I can top that. I was in Father's room
putting away the laundry and I found a bunch of condoms!"
"Oh my!"
gasped the other nuns. "What did you do?" they asked.
"I poked holes in
all of them!" she replied.
The third nun fainted.
Submitted by Cherine, Pawnee Rock, Ks.
Subject: First Experience
The sky was dark
The moon was dull
We were alone - just she & I
My First experience
Her hair was soft
I knew just what I wanted to do
But I didn't know how
But I did my best
I put my hand upon her breast
It was so warm
Off my shirt - I ripped
And ran my hand down her hip
I trembled with fear
My fast beating heart
And she slowly moved her legs apart
At last its through it's all over now
My first experience at milking a cow
Subject: Ding Dong
A woman who had been married twice and divorced twice
was fed up. Her first husband beat her, and her second
husband ran away with another woman. Plus, she couldn't
find a new lover who could satisfy her sexually, so she
put an ad in the classifieds:
Wanted: A good looking, single guy who won't beat me,
won't leave me, and is good in bed.
"I'm here about your ad," he says.
"But" she asks, "How do I know you're good in bed?"
"I rang the doorbell, didn't I?"
A little old lady goes to the doctor and says, "Doctor I have this problem
with gas, but it really doesn't bother me too much. They never smell and are
always silent. As a matter of fact I've farted at least 20 times since I've
been here in your office. You didn't know I was farting because they didn't
smell and are silent.
The doctor says, "I see. Take these pills and come back to see me next
week."
The next week the lady goes back, "Doctor," she says," I don't know what the
heck you gave me, but now my farts...although still silent...they stink
terribly."
"Good," the doctor said. "Now that we've cleared up your sinuses, let's work
on your hearing."
An elderly married couple scheduled their annual medical examination the
same day so they could travel together. After the examination, the doctor
then said to the elderly man, "You appear to be in good health. Do you have
any medical concerns that you would like to discuss with me?"
"In fact, I do," said the man. "After I have sex with my wife for the first
time, I am usually hot and sweaty. And then, after I have sex with my wife
the second time, I am usually cold and chilly."
"This is very interesting," replied the doctor. "Let me do some research
and get back to you."
After examining the elderly lady, the doctor said, "Everything appears to
be fine. Do you have any medical concerns that you would like to discuss with
me?"
The lady replied that she had no questions nor concerns.
The doctor then said, "Your husband had an unusual concern. He claims that he
is usually hot and sweaty after having sex the first time with you and then
cold and chilly after the second time. Do you know why?"
"Oh, that old buzzard!" she replied. "that`s because the first time is
usually in July and the second time is usually in December!"
A little boy is waiting for his mom to come out of the changing
room while shopping with her at a department store. The little
boy gets bored so he decides to have a look around. When his
mom comes out of the changing room, she finds her little boy
sliding his hand up a dummy's skirt.
"GET YOUR HAND OUT OF THERE!", she shouts. "DON'T YOU
KNOW THAT US WOMEN HAVE GOT TEETH DOWN THERE."
The little boy quickly snatches his hand away and thanks his lucky
stars that nothing serious happened. So, for the rest of his life,
this poor little boy grows up thinking that all women have got
teeth down below.
By the time the little boy reaches the age of 16, he
finds himself a girl. One night, while her parents were out of town, she
invites him over for a little action. After a few hours of making
out and grinding on the sofa, she asks him to go a bit further.
"What do you mean?", he asks. She replies, "Well, why don't you put
your hand down there?" while pointing to her privates.
HELL NO!", he cries. "You've got teeth down there."
"No, I'm sorry" he says. "My mom already told me that all women
have teeth down there. He replies, "Well, with the condition of those gums I'm not
surprised."
Submitted by, Bruce & Donna, Holyrood, Ks.
The wife says,"Sweetheart, let's do the same thing we did here forty years
ago!"
The husband stops the car. His wife backs against the fence, and he
immediately jumps her like a bass on a junebug. They make love like never
before. She was SCREAMING and GYRATING and SHAKING uncontrollably; and
when it was over, much to her husband's surprise, she FAINTED!
After he revived her and got her back into the car, the husband, quite
astounded says: "Darlin', you sure never moved like that forty years ago
or ANYTIME SINCE that I can remember."
The women, gasping for breath, finally able to speak, says: "FORTY YEARS
AGO THAT DAMN FENCE WASN'T ELECTRIFIED!
A young man was delighted to finally be asked home to meet the parents of
the young woman he'd been seeing for some time. He was quite nervous
about
the meeting, though, and by the time he arrived punctually at the doorstep
he was in a state of gastric distress.
The problem developed into one of acute flatulence, and halfway though the
canapes the young man realized he couldn't hold it in one second longer
without exploding. A tiny fart escaped.
"Spot!" called out the young woman's mother to the family dog lying at the
young man's feet.
Relieved at the dog having been blamed for the fart, the young man let
another, slightly larger one go. "Spot!" she called out sharply. "I've
got it made,' thought the young fellow to himself. One more and I'll feel
fine. So he let loose a really big one.
"SPOT!" shrieked the mother. "Get over here before he shits on you!"
Submitted by, Lou, Natchitoches, La.
A man walks onto an airplane and takes his seat.
He looks up and notices the most beautiful woman
he has ever seen boarding the plane. He is
nervous, and soon realizes that she is walking
down the aisle toward him.
When she takes the seat right next to him, he is
anxious to begin a conversation. He asks,
"Where are you flying to today?" She responds,
"To the annual Nymphomaniac Convention in Chicago."
He is CRAZED with excitement!
Here is a gorgeous woman sitting next to him, and
she's going to a meeting of nymphomaniacs! "And what
do you do at this meeting?" he asks.
"Well," she says, "we try to dissolve some of the
popular myths about sexuality." "And what myths are
those?" he continues desperately.
She explains, "Well, one popular myth is that African
American men are the most endowed, when in fact,it is
the Native American man who owns this trait. Also, it
is widely believed that the Frenchman is the best
lover, when actually it is men of Jewish descent who
make the bestlovers."
"Very interesting..." the man responds. Suddenly, the
woman becomes very embarrassed and blushes.
"I'm sorry,"she says, "I just feel so awkward
discussing this with you when I don't even know you!
What is your name?"
The man extends his hand and replies,
A woman recently lost her husband. She had him cremated and brought
his ashes home. Picking up the urn that he was in, she poured
him out on the counter...
Then, and tracing her fingers in the ashes, she started talking to
him. "Irving, you know that fur coat you promised me? I bought
it with the insurance money!"
"Irving, remember that new car you promised me? Well, I also bought
it with the insurance money!"
"Irving, that emerald necklace you promised me? I bought it,
too, with the insurance money."
Still tracing her finger in the ashes, she said, "Irving,
remember that blow job I promised you? Here it comes...
The following have been submitted by, Chuck, Tampa, Fl.
There was a fly buzzing around a barn one day when he happened on a pile
of fresh cow manure. Due to the fact that it had been hours since his last
meal, he flew down and began to eat. He ate and ate and ate. Finally, he
decided he had eaten enough and tried to fly away. He had eaten too much
though, and could not get off the ground.
As he looked around wondering what to do now, he spotted a pitchfork
leaning up against the wall. He climbed to the top of the handle and jumped
off, thinking that once he got airborne, he would be able to take flight.
Unfortunately he was wrong and dropped like a rock, splatting when he hit the
floor, dead.
The moral to the story is:
A turkey was chatting with a bull.
"I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree," sighed the turkey,
"but I haven't got the energy."
"Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?" replied the bull."
They're packed with nutrients." The turkey pecked at a lump of dung and
found that it actually gave him enough strength to reach the first branch of
the tree.
The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch.
Finally after a fourth night, there he was proudly perched at the top of the
tree.
He was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot the turkey out of the tree.
Moral of the story:
A man decided to have a face lift for his birthday. He spends $5,000
and feels really good about the result.
On his way home he stops at a newsstand and buys a paper. Before
leaving he says to the sales clerk, "I hope you don't mind me asking, but
how old do you think I am?"
"About 35," was the reply. "I'm actually 47," the man says, feeling really
happy.
After that he goes into McDonalds for lunch, and asks the order taker
the same question, to which the reply is, "Oh you look about 29."
While standing at the bus stop he asks an old woman the same
question. She replies, "I am 85 years old and my eyesight is going.
But when I was young there was a sure way of telling a man's age. If I put
my hand down your pants and play with your package for ten minutes I will
be able to tell your exact age."
Stunned the man says, "That was brilliant! How did you do
that?" The old lady replies, "I was behind you in McDonalds"
A wife arriving home after a shopping trip, was horrified to find
her husband in bed with a young, lovely thing. Just as she was about
to storm out of the house, her husband stopped her with these words:
"Before you leave, I want you to hear how this all came about."
"Driving home, I saw this young girl, looking poor and tired, I
offered her a ride. She was hungry, so I brought her home and fed
her some of the roast you had forgotten about in the refrigerator.
Her shoes were worn-out so I gave her a pair of your shoes that you
didn't wear because they were out of style. She was cold so I gave
her that new birthday sweater you never wear because the color didn't
suit you. Her slacks were worn out so I gave her a pair of yours
that you don't fit into anymore."
"Then as she was about to leave the house, she paused and asked, 'Is
there anything else that your wife doesn't use anymore?' So, here
we are!"
Mr. Jones, who had been away on an extended trip, had very romantic
plans for his first night home. He said them to his wife, who promptly said,
"Oh, I'm sorry, dear, but I've got to do all of this laundry. Another
time, please."
The next night Jones tried again, and his wife said, "Oh my, I would
like to dear, but it wouldn't be any good. I've got this terrible headache.
Please give me a rain check."
By the third night, Jones was rather impatient.
"How about it?" he said urgently.
Mrs. Jones snapped back, "This is the third night in a row you've
asked.
What are you? Some kind of a sex maniac?"
A guy out on the golf course takes a screaming drive right in the crotch.
Writhing in agony, he falls to the ground. As soon as he could manage, he
took himself to the doctor.
He said "How bad is it doc? I'm going on my honeymoon next week and my
fiancee is still a virgin in every way."
The doctor told him, "I'll have to put your penis in a splint to let it
heal and keep it straight. It should be okay next week." So he took four
tongue depressors and formed a neat little 4-sided bandage, and wired it all together; an impressive work of art.
The guy mentions none of this to his girl, marries and goes on their honeymoon.
That night in the motel room she rips open her blouse to reveal a gorgeous
set of breasts. This was the first time he had seen them.
She said, "You're the first, no one has ever touched these breasts."
He whips down his pants and says, "Look at this, it's still in the CRATE!"
A young female teacher was giving an assignment to her Grade 6 class one day. It was a large assignment so she started writing high up on the chalkboard. Suddenly there was a giggle from one of the boys in the class.
She quickly turned and asked, "What's so funny Pat?"
"Well teacher, I just saw one of your garters."
"Get out of my classroom," she yells, "I don't want to see
you for three days."
The teacher turns back to the chalkboard. Realizing she had
forgotten to title the assignment; she reaches to the very
top of the chalkboard. Suddenly there is an even louder
giggle from another male student. She quickly turns and asks,
"What's so funny Billy?"
"Well miss, I just saw both of your garters."
Again she yells, "Get out of my classroom!" This time the
punishment is more severe, "I don't want to see you for three
weeks."
Embarrassed and frustrated, she drops the eraser when she
turns around again. So she bends over to pick it up. This
time there is an burst of laughter from another male
student. She quickly turns to see Little Johnny leaving the
classroom.
"Where do you think you are going?" she asks.
"Well teacher, from what I just saw, my school days are over."
Submitted by, Jim, St. Charles, Mo.
1999 Survival Guide for Taking a Dump at Work
We've all been there but don't like to admit it. We've all kicked back
in our cubicles and suddenly felt something a brew down below. As much as
we try to convince ourselves, the WORK POOP is inevitable. For those of you
who hate pooping at work as much as I do, here is the 1999 Survival Guide
for Taking a Dump at Work. Memorize these definitions and pooping at work
will become a pure pleasure.
ESCAPEE
JAILBREAK (Used in conjunction with escapee)
COURTESY FLUSH
WALK OF SHAME
OUT OF THE CLOSET POOPER
THE POOPING FRIENDS NETWORK (PFN)
SAFE HAVEN
TURD BURGLAR
CAMO-COUGH
ASTAIRE
WATERMELON
HAVANA OMELET
UNCLE TED
FLY BY
Submitted by, Mark & Jana, Des Moines, Ia.
A man and a woman who have never met before find themselves in the
same sleeping carriage of a train. After the initial embarrassment they
both go to sleep, the woman on the top bunk, the man on the lower.
The man leans out and, with a glint in his eye, says "I've got a
better idea, just for tonight, let's pretend we're married".
"Great!" he replies, "Get your own fucking blanket!"
As an elderly lady sat on her front porch reflecting on
her long life, a Fairy Godmother suddenly appeared and
offered to fulfill three wishes for her.
"Well", said the woman, "I guess I'd like to be rich."
And I wouldn't mind being a young and beautiful princess."
Your third wish?" asked the Fairy Godmother. The elderly
woman's dog raised his head a uttered a single, weak, hoarse
"woof". "Could you possibly turn my wonderful dog into a
handsome prince?"
POOF: There, in front of the old woman, who has now turned
into a beautiful princess, stood the most handsome young man
anyone had ever seen. More handsome than anyone could possibly
imagine.
She stared at him in awe, completely smitten. As he came
toward her, her knees weakened. He bent down, brushing his
lips across her ear as he whispered, "I'll bet you're sorry
you ever had me neutered."
An escaped convict broke into a house and tied up a
young couple who had been sleeping in the bedroom. As soon as he had a
chance, the husband turned to his voluptuous young wife, bound up on the bed
in a skimpy nightgown, and whispered, "Honey, this guy hasn't seen a woman in
years. Just cooperate with anything he wants. If he wants to have sex with
you, just go along with it and pretend you like it. Our lives depend on it."
"Dear," the wife hissed, spitting out her gag, "I'm so
relieved you feel that way, because he just told me he
thinks you are really cute!"
God on Oral Sex
After having been commissioned by God to take a survey of how man was doing
on Earth, St. Peter now stood before his boss ready to present his findings.
"Tell me, St. Peter, what have you found out?" God asked. "I'm very sorry to
have to tell you this, but the people are behaving in a sinful manner.
There's drugs, alcohol, murders, you name it-a regular Sodom and Gomorra.
But the worst is this new obsession with oral sex. According to my survey,
88% of the population is doing it. I'm afraid it has reached epidemic
proportions. "Hmmm," God said thoughtfully, "do you have any recommendations
as to what should be done to put an end to this sexual perversion?"
"I think we should send a message to everyone on Earth who engages in oral
sex. The contents of that message should tell them exactly what will happen
to them on Judgment Day if they do not stop this type of activity." Replied
St. Peter.
"That is an effective solution," God stated, "but I think that instead of
punishing those who practice oral sex, we should reward those who refrain
from it. Let's send a letter that's personally signed by me to each one of
these good people."
And so they did.
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Hmmm.........
READ CAREFULLY!
All drugs have a generic name.
Tylenol is Acetaminophen
What's the generic name for Viagra?
Mycoxafailin
<< <<--------------------->> >>
After the May 3rd tornado, many OKC residents have tried to deal with
their loss through humor.
While traveling through the deep south, a
salesperson stopped at an inn for a
meal. When he was through, he asked to use the
bathroom. The proprietor
pointed to an outhouse in the back.
After taking a decent sized shit, the man found, to
his chagrin, that there
was no toilet paper. Instead, there was a small
hole in the wall, a slot,
and a sign. The sign read, "Insert twenty-five
cents and your dirty finger
will be cleaned with the greatest care, warmth and
attention."
Unhappy but having no other choice, the man used his
finger to clean his ass,
plugged a quarter into the slot, then put his finger
in the hole.
Unknown to him, a little boy was standing on the
other side with a pair of
bricks. When the finger came through, the lad
smashed it between the bricks;
howling with pain, the man put his finger in his
mouth...
»§«:*΄`33΄`*:»§«:*΄`33΄`*:»§«:*΄`33΄`*:»§«:*΄`33΄`*:»§«
A lady goes to the doctor and complains her husband is losing
interest in sex. He gives her a pill but warns her it is still
experimental. He tells her to slip it in his mashed potatoes at
dinner and she does.
About a week later she's back at the doctor and says, "The pill
worked great. I put it in his mashed potatoes like you said. It
wasn't five minutes later and he jumped up, raked all the food and
dishes on the floor, grabbed me, ripped all my clothes off and
ravaged me right there on the table."
The doctor says, "I'm sorry, we didn't realize the pill was that
strong. The foundation will be glad to pay for any damages."
The lady replied, "Naah, That's okay. We aren't going back to Denny's
anyway."
Short Arm Inspection
Three elderly women sitting on a park bench.
The first lady has a stroke.
A farmer goes out one day and buys a brand new stud rooster for his
chicken coop. The rooster struts over to the old rooster and says,
The old rooster says, "I'll tell you what, young stud,
The old rooster takes off running. About 15 seconds later the young rooster takes off after him. They round the front of the farmhouse and the young rooster has closed the gap. He's already about 5 inches behind the old rooster and gaining fast.
Two engineering students meet on campus one day.
The first engineer calls out to the other, "Hey -- Nice bike!
Where did you get it?"
"Well," replies the other, "I was walking to class the other day when
this pretty, young co-ed rides up on this bike. She jumps off, takes off
all of her clothes, and says 'You can have ANYTHING you want!!' "
"Good choice," says the first, "her clothes wouldn't have fit you
anyway."
# 9
A man is in a hotel lobby. He wants to ask the clerk a question.
As he turns to go to the front desk, he accidentally bumps
into a woman beside him and as he does, his elbow goes into
her breast. They are both quite startled. The man turns to
her and says, "Ma'am, if your heart is as soft as your
breast, know you'll forgive me." She replies, "if your
penis is as hard as your elbow, I'm in room 1221."
# 8
A young man walks up and sits down at the bar. "What can I get
you?"the bartender inquires. "I want 6 shots of Jagermeister,"
responded the young man. "6 shots?!? Are you celebrating
something?" "Yeah, my first blowjob." "Well, in that case,
let me give you a 7th on the house." "No offence, sir. But
if 6 shots won't get rid of the taste, nothing will."
# 7
A businessman boards a flight and is lucky enough to be
seated next to an absolutely gorgeous woman. They exchange
brief hellos and he notices she is reading a manual about
sexual statistics. He asks her about it and she replies,
"This is a very interesting book about sexual statistics.
It identifies that American Indians have the longest
average penis and Polish men have the biggest average
diameter. By the way, my name is Jill. What's yours?"
He coolly replies, "Tonto Kawalski, nice to meet you."
# 6
One night, as a couple lay down for bed, the husband gently
taps his wife on the shoulder and starts rubbing her arm.
The wife turns over and says: "I'm sorry honey, I've got a
gynaecologist appointment tomorrow and I want to stay
fresh." The husband, rejected, turns over and tries to
sleep. A few minutes later, he rolls back over and taps his
wife again. This time he whispers in her ear: "Do you have
a dentist appointment tomorrow too?"
# 5
Bill worked in a pickle factory. He had been employed there
for a number of years when he came home one day to confess
to his wife that he had a terrible compulsion. He had an
urge to stick his penis into the pickle slicer. His wife
suggested that he should see a sex therapist to talk about
it, but Bill indicated that he'd be too embarrassed. He
vowed to overcome the compulsion on his own. One day a few
weeks later, Bill came home absolutely ashen. His wife
could see at once that something was seriously wrong.
"What's wrong, Bill?" she asked. "Do you remember that I
told you how I had this tremendous urge to put my penis
into the pickle slicer?" "Oh, Bill, you didn't." "Yes, I
did." "My God, Bill, what happened?" "I got fired." "No,
Bill. I mean, what happened with the pickle slicer?"
"Oh...she got fired too."
# 4
A man was visiting his wife in hospital where she has been
in a coma for several years. On this visit he decides to
rub her left breast instead of just talking to her. On
doing this she lets out a sigh. The man runs out and
tells the doctor who says this is a good sign and suggests
he should try rubbing her right breast to see if there is
any reaction. The man goes in and rubs her right breast and
this brings a moan. From this, the doctor suggests that
the man should go in and try oral sex, saying he will wait
outside as it is a personal act and he doesn't want the man
to be embarrassed. The man goes in then comes out about
five minutes later, white as a sheet and tells the doctor
his wife is dead. The doctor asks what happened to which
the man replies: "She choked to death."
# 3
A guy walks into a bar with a pet alligator by his side. He
puts the alligator up on the bar. He turns to the
astonished patrons. "I'll make you a deal. I'll open this
alligator's mouth and place my genitals inside. Then the
gator will close his mouth for one minute. He'll then open
his mouth and I'll remove my unit unscathed. In return for
witnessing this spectacle, each of you will buy me a drink."
The crowd murmured their approval. The man stood up on the
bar, dropped his trousers, and placed his privates in the
alligator's open mouth. The gator closed his mouth as the
crowd gasped. After a minute, the man grabbed a beer
bottle and rapped the alligator hard on the top of its
head. The gator opened his mouth and the man removed his
genitals unscathed as promised. The crowd cheered and the
first of his free drinks were delivered. The man stood up
again and made another offer. "I'll pay anyone $100 who's
willing to give it a try". A hush fell over the crowd.
After a while, a hand went up in the back of the bar. A
woman timidly spoke up. "I'll try, but you have to promise
not to hit me on the head with the beer bottle".
# 2
A small white guy goes into an elevator, when he gets in he
notices a huge black dude standing next to him. The big
black dude looks down upon the small white guy and says: "7
foot tall, 350 pounds, 20 inch dick, 3 pound left ball, 3
pound right ball, Turner Brown" The small white guy faints
!! The big black dude picks up the small white guy and
brings him to, slapping his face and shaking him and asks
the small white guy. "What's wrong?". The small white guy
says; "Excuse me but what did you say?". The big black dude
looks down and says "7 foot tall, 350 pounds, 20 inch dick,
3 pound left ball, 3 pound right ball, my name is Turner
Brown." The small white guy says, "Thank god, I thought you
said 'Turn around. '"
# 1
There was this couple who had been married for 50 years.
They were sitting at the breakfast table one morning when
the old gentleman said to his wife, "Just think, honey,
we've been married for 50 years." "Yeah," she replied,
"Just think, fifty years ago we were sitting here at this
breakfast table together." "I know," the old man said, "We
were probably sitting here naked as jaybirds fifty years
ago." "Well," Granny snickered, "What do you say...should
we get naked?" Where upon the two stripped to the buff and
sat down at the table. "You know, honey," the little old
lady breathlessly replied,"My nipples are as hot for you
today as they were fifty years ago." "I wouldn't be
surprised," replied Gramps. "One's in your coffee and
the other is in your oatmeal!!!!
Subject:
There were two brothers who were national yodeling
champions. One day their car broke down out in the middle of
nowhere and they had to put up at a farmhouse. As fate would
have it there was a beautiful farmer's daughter at the house.
The two brothers had a way of communicating over several
miles by yodeling to each other. One particular yodel (ay-la-de-
o-la-te-tu) signaled trouble, and meant for the other one to run.
Anyway, the farmer warned the two brothers not to mess with
his daughter. The next morning the farmer was up before
dawn, and caught his daughter in the bed with one of the
brothers. He grabbed his gun and shouted that he would start
counting, and if the guy wasn't out of his sight by the count of 5
he would shoot him.
Well, the fellow high-tailed it out of there and was just jumping
over the fence when the farmer hit 3. He yodeled the tune to
warn his brother of impending doom, when the farmer suddenly
shot him.
The other brother came running out of his room and said,
"What happened?"
The farmer said, "I caught your brother sleeping with my
daughter and, although I gave him a fair chance, before he was
out of sight he yelled, "I laid the old lady, too," so I shot him.
Submit your jokes to:
Return to
Cover Page
About a week later, her doorbell rings. She opens the
door to find a handsome man with no arms and no legs on
her front porch.
"You must be mistaken," she says.
"Let me explain," he says, "I can't beat you, I don't
have any arms. And I can't run away, because I don't
have any legs."
"No, I don't," she responds.
"Yes, you do," he says. "My mom told me
that you do."
"No, I don't," she insists. "Here, look for
yourself."
With that, she pulls down her pants and gives him a little
peek."
"Oh for Christ's sake!" she screams.
With that,
she whips off her panties, throws her legs behind her head, and
says, "Look, I don't have any teeth down there."
"Tonto. Tonto Goldstein."
Thanks for all your contributions Chuck...
Never fly off the handle when you know you're
full of shit.
Bullshit might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there.
"I am actually 47." This makes him feel really good.
As there was no one around, the man thought what the heck and
let her slip her hand down his pants. Ten minutes later the old lady
says, "OK, it's done. You are 47."
Definition: A fart that slips out while taking a leak at the urinal or
forcing poop in a stall. This is usually accompanied by a sudden wave of
panic/embarrassment. This is similar to the hot flash you receive when
passing an unseen police car and speeding. If you release an ESCAPEE, do
not acknowledge it. Pretend it did not happen. If you are standing next to
the farter at the urinal, pretend that you did not hear it. No one likes an
ESCAPEE, it is uncomfortable for all involved. Making a joke or laughing
makes both parties feel uneasy.
Definition: When forcing poop, several farts slip out at a machine guns
pace. This is usually a side effect of diarrhea or a hangover. If this
should happen do not panic, remain in the stall until everyone has left the
bathroom so to spare everyone the awkwardness of what just occurred.
Definition: The act of flushing the toilet the instant the nose cone of
the poop log hits the water and the poop is whisked away to an
undisclosed location. This reduces the amount of air time the poop has to
stink up the bathroom. This can help you avoid being caught doing the WALK
OF SHAME.
Definition: Walking from the stall, to the sink, to the door after you
have just stunk-up the bathroom. This can be a very uncomfortable
moment if someone walks in. As with all farts, it is best to pretend
that the smell does not exist.
Definition: A colleague who poops at work and is damn proud of it. You
will often see an OUT OF THE CLOSET POOPER enter the bathroom with a
newspaper or magazine under their arm. Always look around the office for
the OUT OF THE CLOSET POOPER before entering the bathroom.
Definition: A group of coworkers who band together to ensure emergency
pooping goes off without incident. This group can help you to monitor the
whereabouts of OUT OF THE CLOSET POOPERS and identify SAFE HAVENS.
Definition: A seldom used bathroom somewhere in the building where you can
least expect visitors. Try floors that are predominantly of the opposite
sex. This will reduce the odds of a pooper of your sex
entering the bathroom.
Definition: A pooper who does not realize that you are in the stall and
tries to force the door open. This is one of the most shocking and
vulnerable moments that occur when work taking a dump at work. If this
occurs, remain in the stall until the TURD BURG leaves. This way you will
avoid all uncomfortable eye contact.
Definition: A phony cough which alerts all new entrants into the
bathroom that you are in a stall. This can be used to cover-up a
WATERMELON or to alert potential TURD BURGLARS. Very effective when used in
conjunction with an ASTAIRE.
Definition: A subtle toe-tap that is used to alert potential TURD
BURGLARS that you are occupying a stall. This will remove all doubt
that the stall is occupied. If you hear an ASTAIRE, leave the bathroom
immediately so the pooper can poop in peace.
Definition: A turd that creates a loud splash when hitting the toilet
water. This is also an embarrassing incident. If you feel a WATERMELON
coming on, create a diversion. See CAMO-COUGH.
Definition: A load of diarrhea that creates a series of loud splashes
in the toilet water. Often accompanied by an escapee. Try using a
CAMO-COUGH with an ASTAIRE.
Definition: A bathroom user who seems to linger around forever. Could
spend extended lengths of time in front of the mirror or sitting on the pot.
An UNCLE TED makes it difficult to relax while on the crapper, as you should
always wait to drop your load when the bathroom is empty. This benefits you
as well as the other bathroom attendees.
Definition: The act of scouting out a bathroom before pooping. Walk
in, check for other poopers. If there are others in the bathroom, leave
and come back again. Be careful not to become a FREQUENT FLYER. People may
become suspicious if they catch you constantly going into the bathroom
In the middle of the night the woman leans over, wakes the man and
says, "I'm sorry to bother you, but I'm awfully cold and I was wondering
if you could possibly get me another blanket."
The woman thinks for moment. "Why not", she giggles.
POOF: The Fairy Godmother turned her rocking chair into
solid gold.
POOF: The Fairy Godmother turned the old woman into an
exquisite young princess with a priceless crown of jewels.
Do you know what the letter said?
(scroll down a little more)
So, You didn't get the letter either, huh??
Advil is Ibuprofen
And so on...
Many home owners have spray-painted their homes or put up signs claiming:
"For Sale: Fixer Upper" or "OPEN HOUSE."
However, the best one comes from a man in Moore who, before
President Clinton's visit, put a sign in his yard saying:
"HEY BILL, HOW'S THIS FOR A BLOWJOB?"
Unfortunately, the Secret
Service asked him to remove it since there was so much media coverage.
<< <<-------------------->> >>
A little elderly man is walking
towards them and all he has on is a trench coat.
He walks up to them and
flashes them..
The second lady has a stroke.
The third ladies arms are to short.
"ok, old fart, time to retire."
The old rooster replies, "come on, you can't handle ALL these
chickens. Look what it's done to me. Can't you just let me have the two old hens
over in the corner?"
The young rooster says, "Beat it! You're washed up and I'm taking over."
I'll race you around the farmhouse. Whoever wins gets exclusive
domain over the entire chicken coop"
The young rooster laughs, "You know you don't stand a chance old man, so just to be fair, I'll give you a head start."
The farmer, meanwhile, is sitting on the front porch when he sees the roosters running by. He grabs up his shotgun and BOOM!, he blows the young rooster to bits.
The farmer sadly shakes his head, "Damnit, that's the third gay rooster I bought this month"
Submitted by, Chuck, Tampa, Fl.
Fw: yodeler joke
Why women dont
bungee jump
Big Stripper=
Big Boobs
Microsofts New
Keyboard
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