F4 banned in USC! All F4 members should not be allowed in this university and should be shot on sight! This is the directive given to all security guards sometime in June. According to one of the guards, “There are clear orders to ban the F4 in this university, namely, the Freedom of speech, the freedom to question, the freedom to organize, and the freedom to think. According to the SAS, the F4 should be banned because they make the Carolinians crazy.”

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Last week, a pig was jailed for making libelous gestures and noises against the USC-SAS. The indignant personnel of USC-SAS immediately filed a libel case against the pig the moment they saw it sniffing and scratching its behind against the USC main entrance. Because the pig could not hire a lawyer and could just answer with unintelligible grunts to questions answerable by yes or no, the judge was forced to sentence the pig to a lifetime imprisonment. Upon arriving in jail, the pig immediately made libelous gestures and noises against the jail warden.

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Supermarkets all over Cebu City report a tremendous boost in diaper sales. This after the College of Engineering’s cheerdancers immortalized the diaper as a popularyouth symbol. “The diaper,” said store owner Slobading Milosebyuk, “now ranks alongside Che Guevarra posters and Bob Marley t-shirts. We are currently marketing diaper-shaped necklaces and bangles, diaper-scented candles, diaper-inspired wallpapers and stationeries, and t-shirts and posters with diaper themes.”

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The ghosts of Jose Rizal, Andres Bonifacio, Gregorio del Pilar, Leon Kilat, Sultan Kudarat, Lapu-lapu, and other brave heroes of our country have declared war against those responsible for padlocking the Resource Center for Nationalist Studies. According to Jose Rizal, the ghost speaker for the group, “We consider the padlocking of the RCNS a declaration of war against nationalism itself! We who have fought for our nation and nationalism consider this act as highly unethical and below the standards of decency. That is why we will continue to haunt the people responsible. We will haunt them in their waking hours and in their sleep. We will make every cubic inch and centimeter of their bodies itch. Thus they will know the wrath of the ghosts of their insulted heroes.”

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In a recent poll conducted by Tonight’s CAROLINIAN, it was discovered that more and more Carolinians now believe that USC is a matrix. They are convinced that USC is just a virtual reality, a computer-generated illusion, a fake semblance of a once-famous university that was destroyed in a nuclear explosion a thousand years ago. Commenting on the findings, a demented psychologist declared, “We cannot blame these Carolinians if they believe that USC is just a bad dream. With all the high-priced uniforms, the tuition increases, and the repression of the freedom to expression, the reality is simply too depressing to accept.”

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“USC is being possessed by devils!” This is the emphatic statement of the famous medium Coco Ajuin, in explanation to the many abnormal and seemingly paranormal happenings in this university. The ugly and high-priced uniform that appeared whistling to the tune of “Out of Nothing at All”, the creepy voices of dead old men and women threatening litigation to students, and the zombie minions who padlocked the RCNS --- these are some of the work of the devils, “ said Ajuin.

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Meanwhile, a famous priest from Europe had already died from the futile attempts to exorcise USC of its demons. According to his assistant, the holy Fr. Schmidtz suffered from frothing of the mouth, elongation of the tongue, enlargement of the stomach, bruising of the face and body, blackening of the fingernails, and the oozing of blood from the eyes, ears, and nose. TSk, tsk, tsk. The devils that plague USC seem legion indeed.