Washing Away All My Pain
Mood:  down
Lately my pain seems to be a big part of me,
It’s coming and going, so free and fast flowing.
I’ve dealt with pain so much of my life,
Yet never did it seem to be such strife.

Some might call me creepy, you see…
For my pain goes away when I bleed.
Emotional pain just seems to make me go numb,
With a slice on my arm, it all comes undone.

The transference of pain, from internal to ex,
And once again, I can feel like the rest.
My head once again seems to be at it’s best.
When I can feel like the rest.

So call me a freak, psycho, or more,
But as for me, I think, I shall continue the gore.
Not for a shown of attention, or sympathy from you…
It’s so that I can go on in this world and face the mirror on MY door!!

Mood:  on fire
What up people? It’s now 4:01am Saturday morning and I am working on my THIRD day with no sleep. Well, an hour of sleep actually ‘cuz I had FINALLY dozed off in my chair about 5:15 this evening when at 6:30, someone was banging on my door and just walked in. It was none other than Mark—the As*hole! Here I am no sleep, trying to get my wits about me and he starts in right off the bat. I don’t have a clue anymore what I ever saw in him! Well, it worked out for the best in a way because my good friend Keny and his girl ended up calling about 30 minutes later to see if it was cool to come hang out. “Hell yeah” I told them. We were sitting outdoors chatting, since Keny is allergic to smoke and I’m a faithful one, when suddenly As*hole got up and took off... YES--ONE FOR THE HOME TEAM! with an attitude. So we chilled for a while, and they took off, since today is their One Year Anniversary. Well, I think that part of the reason they left was my neighbor came out and cashed our visit. As*hole called her and told her to go outside to tell me to call him when my company left. So after they left I called him only this time I had the attitude. I mean earlier when I had dozed off, he called my house 8 times before he showed up, he could have easily called MY house and left a message to call him. He just wanted to interrupt my time with my friends. So when I called, I was like, “what do you want? You just left here a little while ago and why didn’t you call my house and leave a message? What the hell was soooo important that you had to send *name withheld* out to interrupt my visit?” He copped an attitude again and hung up on me. I thought good, now he’ll leave me alone.

Nope…wrong answer. He and my neighbor made plans to go get ice cream and she wanted me to go too. I was fine with this because she would be there, however, when we returned, sitting out on the porch again; he started “play fighting.” I didn’t say anything until he hit me in the face. One thing that anyone who knows me will tell you is that, you NEVER put your hands in my face. So I was nice about it and asked him to please not do that anymore, but not only did he, he did it harder. He already put his hands on me once in the past (which is part of why we’re not together) and it was at this time that I kind of used my ex and his family to try and stop the situation. I told him that if he did it again I would find my ex and let him handle it (most people in this city don’t dare to mess with him). So he then goes over to a cat that hangs out around here and I care for and shoved it off the ledge…twice mind you! Things escalated and ended up with him threatening to slice my throat, getting in his car and leaving, while almost causing a bad accident.

My neighbor says that I should get my ex and his family involved and have them “talk” to the guy, but I really don’t want to do this because I don’t want to involve them in wrongdoing. I think however, if he doesn’t leave me alone after this that I might have to because you see, I am not a “cop-caller” and I am scared of this guy. His brother stopped by tonight as well—which is ironic after my last post—and chatted for a bit. I didn’t say anything however. Well, I guess I will see what happens next but truly people, I can’t WAIT to get the hell off this street and away from HIM!!

Think I will go back and pack some more things; thanks for letting me spew…it kind of helped even though all I did was write.



Still hoping to get some sleep SOON!!

TearDrops are falling

Trying To Find Answers That Probably Only I Can Answer
Confusion and turmoil seem to be a part of my life on dazes like this. I am in recovery from being an “addict” and for so long (a year) I seemed to ok with being clean. When I was in college, I never even had the time to miss it or the people I used to chill with. Well classes have been out for about a month now and people that I used to see everyday aren’t really around right now. I mean it’s summer, right? People have families and homes to take care of. We keep in touch through the internet cause they live in other areas than me and I have been in the process of finding an apartment (I want to move to a bigger place), packing, getting ready for a wedding, relaxing, you know, the things you do when you’re on vacation and its summer. Well, the past two weeks, an old friend has come back into my life and we have started hanging out again.

I haven’t returned to my previous drug of choice yet, and I don’t think that I plan to, but I have had a couple drinks here and there with them. We don’t talk about the dazes we used to use together, matter of fact they have talked about my classes, and school in general. We watch movies, nothing resembling the old dazes. It is actually nice because in those “old dazes” I was very quiet and withdrawn. The guy I was with talked all the time, and I believed that nobody wanted to hear anything I had to say. I am now an outgoing, social person again who has very enjoyable conversations with others. But I think I am getting off track here…my friend doesn’t do any drugs in front of me at all, they show me respect. Lately however, I have started bringing up different things…for example, asking them if the reason they only drink in front of me now is because they think I would “rat”---I hear there is a lot of that going on—or like telling them that even though I don’t use, I would still enjoy the “smells.” The other night, they came right out and asked me if I wanted to use. They said that they know me and know that I am true whether I use or not, but that if I wanted to, they had no problem getting me high. I said no, but now I find myself reviewing my motives.

I have also heard that my “ex” is asking about me a lot. I haven’t seen him (yet) because I don’t think that I could handle it and I am ok with that. But I am thinking about him a lot now. I even wonder my motive for that…is it because I miss HIM, or miss the drugs he used to supply. I can honestly say that in the end of the relationship, I found myself hating him and being around him. So if I am thinking about him now, what’s the reason? Another thing about that was when I was with him, using was an everyday thing. I tried to tell him that I didn’t want to use that often, but in the end, the “addiction” won out and I used whenever it was available---which was usually daily. Could this mean that I never really wanted to “quit” but just to “cut back”? And is it possible now that I was a daily user.

I have a lot more in my life now since I quit though, school, family, finding my true self though I am still working on this aspect. I don’t want to screw anything up that I have now because I am happy with what’s in my life. So you see, I am truly CONFUSED. My only desire is to figure out what is going on with me before I do something I later regret—again!

Well, just needed to get that out…if you can offer any thoughts great…if you don’t have anything helpful to say though, please don’t. This is really just a place where I can throw all of my feelings out there without anyone’s judgment or knowledge of who I am.

Hoping to be able to sleep soon—TearDrops

I sit here alone, thoughts running through my head,
What went wrong? We wern't very strong?
I thought I had found love, only to find... I had been completely blind.
What was in those eyes for that whole time?
Did I give it my all? Maybe give him a call?
My friends they say,”he asks about you almost everyday.”
If this is what it be, why can’t he just call me?
Then I think is this really what I want? I’m finally free and able to be me.
I am so confused and so alone, everyone wondering why I would just soon go “home.”
Maybe some sleep is what I need---
These thoughts... they just seem to be killing me.

By:TearDrop

I dont even know why I created this except to have a place where absolutly NOBODY knows who I am. Here I can write feelings about anyone and anything and not have to "watch what I say". I can't believe I am surviving this fu**ing HEAT WAVE! Yeah ya'll, I live in the Northeast and it's here to stay for the next week at least. Not that I don't love Heat cuz I do but the humidity needs to go! Well, this is just a first entry so a little intro is needed but not toooo much. I am 31 years old and I'm currently single (BY CHOICE)! I am just jaded at the present on relationships and will probably write about it here at some point. I LOVE men however. What I mean by this is I love how they will just jump on the back of a bike and take off, or pack up the gear and head off for a day of fishing or hiking. I love how they are into sports, well college B-ball and Pro-football anyhow. Give me a beer and a game and I am happy. There are other sides to me however also. Like I do enjoy getting "prettied-up" to go out to dinner once in awhile or a club, I love to cook and bake (when it's cool--I just baked a fryer to make up chik salads & stuff) for friends and family. I am highly interested in other's thoughts and opinions and can't pass up a good debate.
Later all--TearDrop