In October of 1999 my Mother revealed that cancer had overcome the treatments and her time was short. My Mother never touched a cigarette in her life and had lung cancer! I moved in to take care of her, got a cell phone to keep in touch with her and Toni, and continued to work two jobs. Mom made it through Thanksgiving, Christmas, and her final triumph, New Year 2000.
We had some very special times. We went Christmas shopping together, we had Thanksgiving dinner at Scott's home, Christmas at Mom's, Sharon and Scott helped relieve me to see Toni and the kids a few times although not enough, but it was hard for everyone. Sharon had a special New Year celebration with Mom. When the cancer got to Mom's strength a business associate where I work loaned us a comfortable wheelchair to continue her travels and excursions through shopping malls, stores, and even the Flea Market in Tampa. Mom had incredible strength and desire, it is an inspiration even now to continue my own life in adversity. I draw from the memory of those special times and will always remember her fortitude. I cooked a Maine lobster my Aunt Marie had sent down to us. Mom was as happy as could be with that. Then Aunt Marie told Mom she had found Steve, the brother we had lost touch with in his new job and relocation.
Mom was so excited I thought she would burst. We were all together for the first time since we left to go in separate directions. Mom's failing health took its toll on all of us. Last minute Will, final preparations, Do Not Resuscitate Orders, working with Hospice of Pasco, her desires for funeral arrangements, her most intimate wishes and thoughts to be relayed. And most of all her struggle to finalize her desires to let go were especially hard for her in the final days until her dearest friend Mrs. Korta finally came to visit on the way back from Tallahassee as she promised. Finally there was peace for Mom that very last morning of February 7, 2000.
We finished the remodeling job in mid January, and Mom passed away the first week of February shortly after my birthday. I moved back home, we attended the funeral and were removing Moms property from her rented condo, a difficult undertaking for squabbling siblings for four days, when Toni announced to me that she was having an affair.
This was my first experience with shock and numbness, it is difficult to describe after all we had just been through. I tried not to think about it and she didn't give any details. I made it through March and April just trying to work hard and keep busy but it didn't help. I quit building things at home, my tool shed was trashed by whomever, I had no desire to repair anything outside of work, I immersed myself into the computer to learn networking for a friend which I admit didn't help our relationship much, but we needed the extra money.
May 19th late at night I finally confronted Toni. I told her she needed to choose between what she wanted or our commitment together. She said she couldn't or wouldn't answer, I never really understood which. I packed an overnite bag said goodbye and got into my truck to leave. She came out and told me before I could leave that she was three months pregnant and since I couldn't have any children, we had tried for several years. I just couldn't stop the tears then. I left and to this day I remember every detail of that night except the drive from there to the motel where I stayed for the next three days. My employer gave me a place to stay and for the next six months I was totally free. I enjoyed my job, I was well taken care of. Toni let me take anything I needed and I purchased things that I knew she couldn't let go of.
I was Happy all things considered, and then I let her "back in". First it was letters from the kids, then the visits from her and the kids. And finally she convinced me that the baby was most probably mine or as close as anyone could "guess". She said she was drunk with Anthony, her affair, but there were witnesses that said "nothing happened" that night.
I struggled with the reasoning and timing for many weeks. My Mother had passed away, I had moved back home, emotionally exhausted and drained, we had made love once after many months apart. Was this new life to compensate the loss? Was it possible that for the first time in the Lemieux lineage there was to be a son to carry on the name? Can I neglect the possibility? Walk away from the one chance it seems to be our Happiness together as a family? Finally?
Yes I was Happy, but I loved my wife and missed her and all we had very much. This even now brings tears to my eyes.
We decided together there would be change. When Andrew was born we were so happy at that moment in time nothing mattered. He was healthy, his features resembled me at birth but have since faded. I often thought whenever I held him if both our Mothers could only see. I felt comfort in the thought that somehow they knew. The next few weeks were frantic. I held him as much as I could given the four others that wanted to also. I had to work, move everything I owned back home. I took all the money I had saved while I was away tried to catch up on bills, bought a washer and dryer for our large family, Christmas came and went, and Andrew was the pride and joy of everyone who laid eyes on him. Toni took him everywhere.
Shortly after the New year started Andrew got very sick and had to be airlifted to All Children's Hospital. We stood beside the helicopter pad and watched as our precious little boy took off and then we made the longest journey of our lives following him to the hospital. Again I had to take time off from work and that is when I started feeling the discomfort and shortly thereafter realized that I was losing my job because of the events of the past year. Much too much time lost at work and I understood my employers position, so I had to resign in order to resolve these conflicts in our marriage. Andrew recovered in a few days much to our relief and anxiety that included our stay at the Hospital.
Soon after the loss of my job, Toni started drifting away. She spent more time with friends and I struggled to keep finances under control while looking for another job. Between Income tax and a loan from Dad we were able to keep things together for a little while. But time and other events were the enemy as Toni and I fought to keep things together. I lost to a man called Dave Taylor for the second time in our marriage. I can't do this any longer.
The hopes and dreams of the future, watching Andrew, Rebecca, Deborah, and Michael grow, vacation plans, sailing, traveling........gone over night. Poof.
On that first day which was a Thursday, I left work early and arrived home to find my wife Toni in our bed with Dave Taylor. I exploded with all the emotions that had been building over the months of not having a job, neglect, not eating properly, moving back in with my adulterous wife, and trying to cope with a new baby that may or may not be mine. I felt in that moment of raw truth what countless other men must have struggled to control before me and those that lost were either in jail or dead. ANGER.
Anger, the likes of which I had never felt before, it imposed on me a tunnel-like vision that screamed for justice. Hurt him, (I have the right), Hurt her, (I could never ever), try to forgive and forget, that is the way my Mother and Father brought me up. I remember her words and will to the end of my days, " Nothing happened" she said. He got up and went to the bathroom to get dressed and left.
Our bathroom, Our bedroom, Our sanctuary that was just as violated as a woman raped. You don't ever forget, you can't avoid the painful picture burned into your brain, ever and you can't accept any explanation no matter how plausible. There is nothing that I wouldn't give to have our lives back together, but now…
The next few days I was in shock, I thought maybe she would explain why, but the weekend passed and not a word was said or offered. I had heard rumors of this "affair" from different sources, but did not have any proof that any thing was wrong until now. On Tuesday, July 31, 2001 I got home about five o'clock or so and found the house empty. No pictures on the wall, TV, stereo, satellite receiver, china, crystal, dishes, computers, knick knacks, all gone just to mention a few things. I honestly thought we had been robbed, so I promptly called the Sheriffs office. Before the deputy arrived I realized that this was not a burglary. Toni and the kids were gone and she did not return my page for five days. I could not find her for five days. I was not able to do anything for five days except go to work, eat, and try to sleep.
Five days of silence, no radio or TV, computer, or explanation. Sunday morning I decided to get a truck and salvage what was left of my life. What was left belonged to my Mother before she passed away and some things were left to my brothers and sisters we were storing. Toni had taken all of the many small items my Mother had left to me, everything that pertained to me or had some meaning or entertainment value for me personally was targeted by her and whomever helped her, which she has since denied any help was involved. She said she made "many" trips to storage to move it herself.
It didn't take long for Toni to show up when the truck arrived, and when she did she immediately called the Sheriffs office. The deputy arrived a short time later and told her that there was nothing that he could do since she had done the very same thing to me. I was fortunate at this juncture to have gotten the same deputy that I had reported the burglary five days ago. For the rest of that day and long into the rainy night with the help of my Father and brother we loaded everything that she didn't "want", all under her watchful eye. We had only one opportunity to do this because she said I couldn't come back.
How long can a person be in shock and not do anything substantial to fight back? Nearly five months later I still have some sanity although there are thoughts of revenge, suicide, and statements I would like to have made, but I have kept a civil tongue and Andrew to consider. She returned my computer and some of the accessories but I lost the money that I was to have made not being able to complete the reports for work. After four months she returned a box of videos that belonged to my Mother, piano keyboard and stand, driving wheel for my computer, crystal bell for my sister, and one of Moms sewing machines.
For weeks and months she has been telling me she will return everything, I call and leave messages for her several times a week every week. She returns calls when she is ready and puts me off again and again, that in itself has created such an emotional roller coaster ride. She will never give me a definitive time to return everything, instead I get silence or an excuse why she can't or she simply hangs up on me.
As an example, take the washer and dryer that I had just bought for us when I moved back in October of last year. They were the biggest capacity that I could find and she wants them back. I said that they were bought for us and since there is no us anymore....I brought up, "Who would benefit from them"? and when she didn't answer, I continued, "She would". And she says, "So what is the problem"? I return, "Why do you want to keep all my personal items when they are of no use to you"? No Answer!
I bought a digital camera so we could take pictures of the kids as they were growing up without costing us a fortune in film and processing. She wants that and won't do anything until she has it back! I will not play her game, I shouldn't have to. I have worked all my life to buy and provide our family with all the things that she wanted, I have struggled at jobs she didn't like because we didn't get much time together and consequently had to quit those to appease her. I have worked hard to pay bills and credit cards that I told her we couldn't afford. We used to spend weekends traveling, sailing or camping. We would go on vacations or just work on projects at the house.
Now I have been reduced to absolutely nothing. I have furniture, a computer, and a few tools. I have little to offer at a job without tools. It is difficult to enjoy life when I am constantly calling her for the few things I have left, while she buys new furniture for the house, moves Dave Taylor into her bed, denies me access to the children, buys another car for them, builds a porch, etc.
I have to stop now this is so emotionally debillitating. I will continue tomorrow.
I have been trying to call Toni for four days now. She knows that I want to see Andrew and will not answer. It is no wonder the soon-to-be ex-spouse ends up in jail in cases like these, the wife has all the rights and can tell lies to the court with impunity to get what they want. She is now accusing me of taking things from her but it is O.K. for her to keep what little I own.
I am going to go up there and try to reason with her again, although I am sure she will put me off again, I have to try. I need to take Mike's Skilsaw back to him anyway.
I keep telling Toni that if she would return what I ask of her, our pending divorce will be easier on everyone and cheaper also. I can move on and she can go on leading her adulterous life while the kids watch. Which reminds me, the day after I moved what was left back in August, she lied to the courts to get a Domestic Violence Injunction against me. For two weeks I couldn't see or talk to the kids. Part of the permanent injunction stipulates that neither parent can remove Andrew from the State of Florida, and I just learned that she has made one or more trips to Georgia. So much for enforcement!
Christmas is next week and still no response from Toni. I decided that a personal appearance might not be appropriate at this time. At the same token, I am driven to do something in order to see Andrew, I just don't want to jeapordize my chances of not being able to see him for Christmas. So now I have decided to just do it. If she calls the Sheriff it won't be because I have done anything wrong. I called Toni on the 16th to wish Deborah a Happy Birthday, I don't know if she got my message, I left several. Michael's birthday is on the 21st, I guess to expect the same problem. I am out of money, still haven't found a job, and I can't for the life of me understand why she would act in this manner, it is so unlike her!
I finally did it. Today I went to the courthouse to find a way to see Andrew and get help on filing for a divorce. The Clerk of the Court inspected the Final Judgement of Domestic Violence for me and said that there is no reason that I can't visit or try to talk to Toni at our house. She also pointed out that I was missing some pages to the original and explained how I could get copies in the Records Bldg.
I had to pay for copies of the pages I was missing, and now I understand how Toni lied to the Judge to get an injunction against me. I wish I had known to do this before the injunction hearing. Also evident was the handwriting, it is different than hers on the document. I don't know if I can prove it or even if it matters at this point, but it shows her character.
I got to our house about the same time the kids got off the bus. It sure was great to be able to talk and say Happy Birthday in person without any interference. They even gave me a hug. I hope they don't get in trouble with Toni because of this. I asked them to call her for me so I could talk or see Andrew. After about fifteen minutes I called her myself. I suspected she would answer this time, and sure enough.
I asked when I might see Andrew and if we could set up a time for Christmas. She responded that it would be late before she got home and didn't know when I could see him since I had him for Thanksgiving which implied that Christmas was out. I pleaded with her to no avail and then she hung up on me. Again. I could hear Andrew in the background. So close yet so far away!
Depression is a powerful enemy. I am discovering just how much energy it consumes with every conflict and contact I have with her. I really don't understand how a person can change so drastically, she never lied or cheated like this. I sincerely hope that the children are not witnessing her actions.
I must have misunderstood something in my research on Family Law. I went to the Courthouse to file what I thought would start the divorce process, and discovered that all papers have to be submitted at once. I wasn't prepared for that. I was under the impression it was a stepped process, now I have to evaluate all my options at one moment. I tried to call Toni again. No answer. So I went there to take some pictures of the house, the new porch she was building, and the used car she bought. I checked on my boat and made sure my toolshed was still locked. I knocked on the door when I first got there, but "granny"(Dave Taylors' mother) just watched me through the blinds until I left. I checked the pictures and found I was only there for about ten minutes. Since Toni wouldn't answer, I called her Dad to see if he wouldn't talk to her for me. He said that the kids had called the Sheriff and where was I at that moment. He must think I'm stupid, so much for him helping. I explained that Toni wouldn't answer my calls and that I had some papers that needed her attention. I also told him that we didn't need to be fighting over every little thing, just return what is rightfully mine and I will be out of her life forever.
Toni must have got the message, she called and I explained that if we could sit down and decide on everything in a marital separation agreement, things would be easier in Court. She consented to meeting me Sunday night to talk it over. Three days away and I still can't see Andrew.
We decided on Bob Evans Restaurant at 6:00 PM to meet. I was there 15 minutes early knowing she would be late as always. About twenty after she arrived and I was able to hold Andrew finally. I was surprised he still remembered me. I still feel as if he is slipping away little by little.
Three hours in the restaurant explaining all of our options as simply as I could, and I'm still not sure what she is trying to accomplish by holding my property until we get out in the parking lot. She started crying and I discovered that she doesn't want a divorce! But I can't get her to explain what it is that she does want. At least we agreed to talk more often. No problem here!
She will let me have Andrew the day after Christmas and New Years Eve, I guess she wants to go out. She really does not know what she wants. Andrew did not like it when I had to leave, he must not get very much attention. I noticed that when he doesn't get what he wants he throws things and pitches a fit. I am powerless to teach him the difference. It makes me sad and angry every time I encounter this knowing that she is responsible for all this and only she has the final word. It is so difficult to describe the turmoil that has been created by all of this, I am starting to question my own reasons and efforts to see Andrew. I reminded her that I was still concerned about who the Father is, but she avoided answering. I guess she didn't think I expected a response. I am going to die a lonely, brokenhearted......
True to her word I was able to pickup Andrew while she went to the Dentist. I didn't have any money so it was difficult to do anything special. We went to my brothers' apartment where I stay now and just played there. We chased each other around the kitchen table, played the electric piano for awhile, and went for a long walk before he finally settled down to take a nap. When he "finally" woke up, we went to Gulfview Square Mall and walked some more. Andrew really had fun just running around and watching all the people and the merry-go-round was just fascinating for him. Then it was time to go again. Toni called and then met us there, we talked for awhile and then left. It was fun, I am so happy with these short adventures and yet they disappear so fast. Memories will sustain me for a little while longer.
Toni and I had discussed meeting together alone to talk, so I called her this morning and she agreed to meet at 6:00PM. We talked about the kids and her and the good and bad times we'd been through. She finally admitted that the only reason she is holding my belongings, her words: "I feel like I will lose you if I give them back". Again three hours to just get that much.
After all this time and all that I have been through I decided that she has to let me know what she wants to do about us, now.
We are out in the parking lot , it is raining slightly, she is struggling to answer me but I can feel that her heart is not in it. I stood there waiting for what seemed like hours, and she decided that she needed to go to counseling. I told her that I would be willing to go but that wasn't the answer I needed. Again a long period of silence before saying that is all that she knew to say. My heart sank, I was shivering not because of the rain or cold, but for the effort and realization that she can't or won't make any commitments. I wanted to lie down and give up just then, I didn't have any more words for her, she knew that it was her decision and only hers to make. She understood it was either "yes" or "no" not "maybe".
I have never known as much loneliness as what struck me at that moment, I gave her my wedding band and she started crying and I know that it hurt because I have been living like that for five months every day. I want to call her right now that I am "home" but it is late, and I know if I do, I will not be any better for the response I know now to expect. I loved my Toni very much. It is time to say Good-bye, for my sanity, for peace, my failing health because of this, and her future.
It is now a little past midnight and I feel the weight more than I ever have before. I have just cut off the only love I have ever known in my LIFE.
