Thursday, 4th July
Aaaahhhh ..... days off!!!!
Yesterday I only slept for a couple of hours and then took The Drummer and the girlfriend out for lunch and to see Minority Report. I was absolutely knackered but loved the movie .... suspend all belief ye who enter here. Just the sort of movie to see with bugger all sleep on board!!
Weighed in last night and only lost 100gms. This takes me back to where I was 4 weeks ago. I was a tad miffed but figure that usually I weigh on an empty stomach and had eaten and drunk a normal day's worth. I have now reached the 'long haul' stage. I need to be determined and committed (not THAT sort of committed, Trish!) to make this thing work.
Himself has not had a beer for over a week now. It has certainly helped in the snoring department and will make is so much easier for me to avoid the grog. I had a glass (note ... A glass!) of red wine last night with dinner that I had been looking forward to all week and thoroughly enjoyed but that was all I needed. It was nice to wake up with a clear head .... still bloody tired and my body clock is confused but at least a clear head! I went to gym and did half an hour on the treadmill and then half an hour of personal training. Love those ab exercises!
Here's a thought ..... As I typed that last sentence I was tempted to add .... NOT!! How many times do we make comments like that about things we do that will make us healthier? Whether it's exercise or eating or just thinking and saying more pleasant things. We have become a society where sarcasm is considered an appropriate reaction to most things and where it is more acceptable to admit to doing something under sufferance than with enjoyment. I DO enjoy those ab exercises ... they might be difficult but I enjoy the challenge. If I go into the gym with the attitude of "oh boy half an hour of punishment ... ha ha ha!" even though I am supposedly making a joke my subconscious picks up on what I've actually SAID and that is how eventually I will view the whole thing. Same with eating .... Oh boy I deserve a treat ..... let's have chocolate instead of healthy, boring, fruit/veges/protein etc. So healthy becomes a synonym for uninteresting and NON-rewarding and by association, then, punishment. At the moment there is not a lot around in the fruit department that I like ... apples and the like don't really do it for me (give me a mango any day!). But I DO like melons and oranges and they are in the shops but a tad pricey (I like navel oranges and they always seem to cost a bit more). Why shouldn't I consider having a canteloupe at $3.00 as a yummy treat rather than a block of chocolate for the same price. Because I have always considered fruit as not special and chocolate has always been treat food. I'm not even particularly fond of chocolate. I would rather have a lovely sharp cheese. OK so why not have a few points of a King Island Blue with some water biscuits than the same amount of points in chocolate. 
!!!!! I knew this journal had a purpose!!!! I shall buy some cheese tonight and THAT will be my treat, maybe even with a piece of melon!!! And without the wine I shall have extra points. Similarly I am trying really hard to say positive things to my kids. I have become too negative in day to day interactions with people. Look out - I might even become a nice cat!
yikes .... just realised the time. Must fly and have lunch before I go and have my hair cut and degreyed. With all the foils and colours I have had over the months it has developed quite a nice tortoiseshell look .........................
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And thanks, Chunky, for signing my guestbook .... it's good to know I'm not talking to myself!
Saturday 6th July
Very quick update.Lots of running around today getting things organised for The Eighteenth!! Lots of grog and the Birthday Present. (I'll tell you what it is later in case String Bean end up in here .... stranger things have happened!) Went to the gym as well. I'm really starting to get the oomph back in that area. My gung ho ideas of incorporating gym with night duty just didn't happen!
A long held dream of mine has been to have a tattoo. One of the things I like about growing older is that I care less and less about what other people think. One of the girls at work has a couple and we have joked about getting one together. Last evening I had a temporary one done and I love it. It's a flower just above my ankle. I didn't want anything too cutesy. I can cope with being 85 years old with a flower but not a cartoon devil or the like! And I had to choose an area that isn't going to sag or expand with age ... my ankle is about the only spot I can nominate with any confidence! Anywhere else and my elegant standard rose would soon resemble a climber!!! Now I have to find the courage and money to get the real thing done. But one thing is for sure and that is that I WILL get it done. It was going to be my reward for getting to goal but too often in my life have I put things on hold waiting until I have done something or become something. Life is too short and if I want to do something then I'm going to do it. Anyway I yam who I yam (with apologies to Popeye) and what I weigh doesn't change that. Gotta go .....
Monday 8th July
Well, here I still am! Saturday night was OK. I wore my feathers .... and they kept getting in my mouth. I didn't eat much but made up for it with alcohol. Actually probably not as much as I have in the past but on an empty stomach and after a fair amount of time (for me, anyway!) without a skinful I woke on Sunday with a hangover like I haven't had for yeeeears.
That'll teach me!
My scales are continuing to go down which is great as this is usually the week they don't. And being school holidays I have been out with the kids and not felt deprived at all. Today we went to Southland and I had chicken k'baby from Ali Babas .... yummo!!!!! Gotta love Weight Watchers don't ya! There aren't many 'diets' around that would enable you to have someting like that for lunch. The kids had maccas and I wasn't even tempted to nibble on their chips. We had beef in black bean sauce for dinner (out of a jar!) and I am feeling comfortably replete with 6 points to play with for dessert and supper. Just as well as I have to go and pick the Drummer and his mates up from a party at midnight. Himself has just left for the sleep clinic ... not a happy vegemite at all.
Once upon a time when the children were small and I had time on my hands (I didn't think so at the time but, believe me, I did!) I was a very creative cat. I used to design and sew clothes. I would fabric paint and applique and cross stitch and bake my own bread, mince my own meat and cook my own biscuits and cakes. As the kids have grown and Nike, Jag and Fubu have taken over from Spotlight specials I have sewn less and less. Also as I have put on weight my desire to sew diminished. I know some women make themselves stunning outfits when they can't find anthing in their size but I just felt sooo frumpy and would almost search out the most unflattering clothes to wear.
Anyway (get to the point, cat) today I bought myself some wool and a knitting pattern and some needles. As soon as I have finished on the computer I will start. Now, the hitch is that I do this on a fairly regular basis. Most winters over the past few years have seen me embark on some knitting project or another but I have never finished them. Come the following year and I can't work out where I got to the year before so I go out and repeat the process. Like today! Himself makes pointed remarks about unfinished garments so I want to get a fair way into this one and then I can tell him it's one I unearthed from years ago!!!!! My cunning and devious plan!
More good things .... today I tried on a skirt that I have been unable to get past my thighs. It does up and as long as I didn't have to sit for long periods and had a top that covered the jellybellybits I could actually wear it out with real people. Oh happy days! Cos when I get my flower tattooed on my ankle I will be wearing lots of skirts again.
On that note I shall take my split finger (it's really not gettting any better which is a bit of a worry), make a cup of tea and start my grand project. At least this one is really simple and the yarn is quite delightful. It's called feathers (by Patons) and is all, well, feathery!! If I get anywhere done with it I'll take a photo for you.
And thanks to Wobbly-bits for signing my guest book. I know this has been a real on-again-off-again journal and I really appreciate the support from those that have obviously checked in now and again.
Knitting here I come .....
Later...I've just spent the past hour and a bit reading Jo's Journal to Success . If you haven't read her yet go and have a look. Give yourself plenty of time, though, as she has been writing for 6 months and has a lot of really interesting stuff to say. Especially go and have a read of 5th July (I think ... around there, anyway). Really good stuff on why so many of us (women) think and behave the way we do.
I was going to say a whole lot more but the internet is as slow as a wet week, my finger is killing me and it's after midnight and I have to go and collect the party animals!
I hope I will be able to get in here over the next few days but if I don't spare me a thought as I plan and execute the Great Eighteenth!!!!!!!!!
Tuesday 9th July
Oh happy days!!!! Had a shocking night's sleep. It was soooo windy I was worried that things would get blown everywhere and damaged. Then I started to worry about my cat, Thomas, who was out (Sheba was curled up next to me like a sensible cat). Then I thought that this is ridiculous, he's a CAT for god's sake, think about all the homeless and then I started to worry about THEM!!! One of those nights when the brain doesn't stop. I should probably have got up and had a hot drink and done some knitting or read or something but I lay there thinking about how I needed to sleep! Finally drifted off about 4.00 to be woken at 6.45 by Himself who I wasn't expecting home til 8.00! He does have episodes of apnoea during his sleep (he stops breathing) as well as some other irregularities and his blood pressure is up. He will go and see the sleep specialist in a couple of weeks but I think we're in for some trying times as he comes to terms with the ramifications of all this.
Up, breakfasted and the kids off to the dentist. String Bean has finished his orthodontic treatment but the other two will need fairly extensive work. At least this bloke lets us pay as we go rather than having to find several thousand up front like most orthodontists. And he is a dentist as well so we get our checkups and orthodontic stuff done at the same time. And he's gentle, has a great sense of humour and doesn't charge the earth. What a find!!
The scales said that I am 72.8. This is absolutely fantastic. Naturally WW scales say more (they don't allow weighing in the nuddy!)but I am happy with the general downward trend. Of course, it isn't happening as fast as I expected, hoped for or would like but as long as we go down then I'm not complaining. Personal training with Pete was great. I am getting results with my ab work (maybe that's why they call it Results Based Training!)and my depression which has been dogging me for the past few weeks looks like slowly lifting. As I said .... oh happy days!!!!!
Well, I think I'll go and have some lunch, clean out the fridge and freezer in preparation for Saturday, work out a timetable of what needs to be done between now and then, do some knitting, put some washing on and then back to the gym for a massage at 3.30.
Thursday 11th July
This is how I reckon I'll be feeling not too long from now! It's 8.30 and I'm tired after working all night. I will shortly wake the kiddos up and any takers will be given breakfast at maccas. Then we will come home and I will try and work out where to start the big tidy up for Saturday. Then off to the shops with The Kid to buy String Bean's brithday pressies from The Kid and the cats. Then, if I'm still standing, home to - hopefully - have a bit of a lie down. If I go to bed now I won't wake up till much later and that will be another day wasted. Last night was quite pleasant. Not too busy and I even got some knitting done ... although I had to unpick the bloody thing twice because of dropped stitches and they are impossible to see with the feathery bits. This will make the FOURTH time I will be starting it .... and the last!!!
Went to WW last night. Lost a kilo. Yeeha. This brings me to exactly 7 kilos in 10 weeks. I would have preferred a few more kilos off but, hell, if you eat crap you don't lose weight. It's quite simple really!!! I am also exactly halfway to the top of WW goal range at which point my delightfully Scottish leader insists we go onto maintenance regardless of how much more we wish to lose. She's not telling us not to lose more, just not to contribute to large company profits any more than necessary! Today will be a gentle day as I don't want to have to think too much about food when I'm tired. Fortunately I tend to lose my appetite when overtired so I hope I won't do too much damage.
Another old face has appeared in my guestbook .... cheers Pip!!!
Well, I'd better go and see if I can rouse the crew....... yaaaawn .......
Friday 12th July
Happy Birthday String Bean!!! I can't believe that 18 years have passed.
We gave him a really lovely Seiko watch which he thinks is pretty cool. Plus sundry other bits and pieces. He is going on a pub crawl with his father and uncle this evening ... because he can! Tomorrow I will be up early to finish the cleaning and then set up tables and stuff and start to chill the drinks. I am about to go and finish off the grocery shopping. I feel that I should be doing more but there really isn't much I can do until tomorrow.
I'm not sure how the eating side of things will go. Yesterday .... well .... if I say wine and chocolate I think you'll get my drift!! So far I have been OK today. Not writing down what I'm eating but I've made reasonable choices. Tomorrow I will probably eat on the run. As I am in charge of the food and because of the fact that we are serving alcohol there will be a lot of high fat, high protein and high carbohydrate food around!!!! I will be heating and serving so will probably nibble my way through the night. I'm not expecting to track or eat sensibly and will probably show a gain on Wednesday but we don't have an eighteenth birthday everyday!! Then again, I might surprise myself. The most important thing is to make sure the evening goes smoothly and that String Bean has a wonderful 18th birthday party.
With the party and then work it will be a while before I can get back here to update. Have a great weekend everyone.
Monday 15th July
*groan* I have been struck down by the dreaded lurgi (and if you're not a Goon's fan, I'm not even going to try to explain that one .... yuckaboo).
I woke on Friday with a sore throat which has turned into a doozy of a cold. Croaky voice, chesty cough, sniffles, headache, sore nose, cracked lips ..... NOT a happy cat!!
The Party went well. I had a few anxious moments when I realised that some of the guests were a lot drunker than they should or could have been in the time they had been there. Sheltered parent was then told about the practice of buying a bottle (often vodka) and skulling it with mates before the party so kids arrive apparantly sober but the booze soon kicks in. Not a pretty sight!
I had horrendously overcatered. We have enough food and booze left to throw another party! Still, I'd rather that than running out. And it is hard to plan for kids this age. Sometimes they eat like there's no tomorrow and others they seem to survive on air.
As for my eating, well, it could have been better and it could have been a helluva lot worse. I've not been game to jump on the scales yet and have weigh in on Wednesday. I woke yesterday with the plan to start tracking again but there was so much food left and I felt so lousy with this cold that all my good intentions went out the window. It's funny that when I'm sick and need really GOOD food, I tend to eat the crap to make me feel 'better'!! I think some of it might be the taste thing, too. I can't taste much at the moment but can feel the texture of greasy food. Sounds gross, I know, but it is the feel of fast food that we often crave and then regret it as our tongues and teeth get coated with fat. Suffice to say, I was feeling pretty miserable with myself and then had a read of Jo's journal and was so able to relate to where she has been over the past few days. That's another thing I really like about these on-line journals. Whatever you're experiencing at any given time you can be sure that SOMEONE out there is going through a similar thing.
Now, it's nearly 9.15. I shall go and have a shower, clean up my bedroom, have some breakfast and then mosey down to the library. I shall then spend the day on the couch with copious cups of tea, a good book and my cats! I might even get some knitting done considering I have to start all over again!! I have a doctor's appointment at 3.20 - not that they can give me anything for a virus and I'm hoping I haven't developed a secondary bacterial infection - but I need to get a doctor's certificate for work as I have called in sick for last night, tonight and tomorrow night. That is unheard of for me but I really do feel like shit at the moment and decided that I should spend the week getting better before I go back onto days next Monday. So .... no more night duty for the foreseeable future.
No doubt I will be popping in and out over the next few days! Stay well and be kind to yourselves.
Later.... I told you I'd be back!!!
The internet is a great tool and I have met some fascinating people. The downside is that we lose the 'personal' touch and because the people that we meet could be anywhere in the world it is well nigh impossible to jump in the car and pop round for a cuppa now and again. Today I learned a valuable lesson. I have not heard from someone I care about a lot for quite sometime despite repeated emails to every address I've ever had for this person!!!! I trawled back through my old emails and found her phone number. With my heart in my mouth in case she told me to bugger off I rang and .... surprise, surprise, she has just been busy and therefore unable to respond to my mails! Well that's what she said!!! After a goodly chat I felt that nothing had changed. But it just goes to show that we need to nurture online friendships as much as those in real life.
Feeling much happier but still full of cold I shall now brave the library and supermarket. I want point friendly comfort food!!!!!!!!
Later still ....Well I did my running around and came home and had a two point tin of campbells country ladle and a tuna, cheese and salad roll. Then I had a sleep in the chair and woke with a really cricked neck! Then I had an Aunt Betty's self saucing pud and custard for 4 points. Then I went to the doctor .... "hello, what can I do for you?" "Got a cold need a doctor's certificate!" A quick check of ears, throat and chest and I was on my merry way! When I walked into the surgery I was horrified. It was full of squawking kids and indifferent mothers. "Don't do that Jack" "Please don't DO that Jack" "Jack leave the little boy alone" "Jack it's not your toy, share it" "Jack don't do that" and so it went. I remember how hard it is to cope with sick littlies but I cannot for the life me condone these mothers that let their little darlings run absolute riot with no thought for others. It's like when you're in the supermarket and one of these terrors runs full pelt into you and then looks at you as if it's YOUR fault for daring to stand in a supermarket aisle doing your shopping. Half the time the parents are in a completely different section of the shop and have no idea where their kids are or what they are getting up to. Rant over!!
Came home and took the Drummer to buy some new school shoes. He has a part time job at Red Rooster (and some of the stories he comes home with!!!) and the only black shoes he has are his school shoes which were brand new this year but are now filthy, wet and covered in grease and lord knows what else! He now has TWO pairs of black shoes!! Whilst were there he bought some hot chippies. Oh dear. Nibbling away as we drove home was not good. String Bean then wanted to be driven to JB HiFi to check out some stuff to spend birthday money on. By the time we got home I was feeling absolutely bloody awful. So a gin and tonic and some cheese and biccies and couple of dinner rolls with salami later and I think my WW good intentions have gone out the window one more time. I am going to have hambuggers with the family tonight and will have my lamb and veges tomorrow when I will be back on track and feeling virtuous. I hate this feeling sick enough to feel like crap and want to eat and eat but not so sick that I can go to bed and sleep and NOT eat!!!!! Oh well, tomorrow is another day and life will go on. And although I won't have a loss this week I won't gain every kilo back either. And that's what really counts.
Back to my book ......
Tuesday 16th July
It's lunch time and I've just got out of bed. I made sure the younger two were off to school and then went back. I slept deeply and am now having breakfast (boiled egg and toast with butter for 3 ponts) while I sit here and decide how honest to be with y'all.
First, I have to say how much I love the feelings associated with losing weight. I love the feeling of being in control. I love feeling that I look less like a freak. I love that my clothes fit better. I love that I can BUY clothes! I love it when String Bean told me that my face is looking slimmer. I love the taste of good food. I have realised that I love a cup of tea or two in the evenings. Secondly, I hate feeling out of control, fat, ugly, unfit, lazy, the list goes on. So .... why do I continually go 'off the rails'? This has been the pattern of weight loss for years. Some good days some bad. The ratio would dictate whether I had a gain or a loss. The last time I was anywhere near successful was in '96 under the old exchange programme. I followed this one faithfully (it was really strict compared to Pure Points) and nearly got to goal. Life then got in the way and I started to cheat. So I maintained and then I gained. I have been fiddling and farting around with this latest effort for TWO YEARS. I have gone up and down. I have rejoined WW several times. I have tried not dieting, high protein, more exercise, lots of things but ultimately I put more in my mouth than my body needs. And, as proven by my increased cholesterol and blood pressure, what went in was not healthy. I am fed up with going to bed at night feeling disgusted with myself, waking up the next day full of enthusiasm and committment and then somewhere along the path losing it and throwing it all to the wind. I am fed up with buying new books to track in (I'm on my third in as many months) because I want a clean slate.
So ... what's a cat to do?
Reading what I have written indicates to me that I really am an all or nothing person. This is a characterstic that I have been aware of for many years and have tried to rectify. In some areas of my life I have been successful but there is still lots of room for improvement. At least I've stopped colour co-ordinating the pegs on the washing line! I need to stop thinking of food as 'good' and 'bad'. But before I do ... what do I mean by good and bad. On the surface when people categorise food like this the assumption is that it is healthy or unhealthy. I suppose that there is an element of that but when I look deep in myself and ask the question the feeling I get is more good and bad from a child's perspective. This is getting a little hard to explain! When I eat bad food it is food that as a child I was not allowed to eat or which was kept for special occasions. If I eat food without someone else's permission I must be bad and the food has connotations of being 'bad'. Obviously chocolate and lollies come in here (I bought and hid in a drain pipe an enormous amount of chocolate when I was about 10. It was some sort of subconscious reaction to my mother's over control of me but the ants got the chocolate!!). Other foods which are actually nutritionally sound also have these associated feelings. So when I eat them I overeat them and don't enjoy them because of the quilty 'bad' feelings. Then, we have the food which is really 'bad' food!!! Poorly cooked, bad quality, unhealthy, fattening food. Tastes like shit, doesn't satisfy but somehow is a response to the voice in my head that tells me I am a bad girl. It is almost as if this is the only type of food I deserve if I'm not eating 'good' food. I have no idea where this came from. I was certainly not given food like this as a kid!!! But nor was I allowed to experiment with it like most kids. Good food is equated with boring. With not having a choice over what I eat. I think that is where a lot of my issues stem from. I was not encouraged to make decisions for myself as a child. My mother influenced me to an overwhelming extent. I cannot remember doing anything that I couldn't be certain would have my mother's approval. Actually that is a strong theme throughout my life. Even now I can feel physically ill and panic stricken if I feel that someone is 'cross' with me or feels disappointed with me.
So what happened yesterday? 3 gin and tonics, a bottle of wine, hambugger with bacon, oven chips, the other Aunt Betty dessert with custard, a huuuge hot chocolate, and a feeling of total despair and self loathing.
So how is today going to be different? I have pencilled in what I plan to eat and have had my healthy comfort food breakfast. I will have my lamb and veges for dinner (a favourite) and some banana and custard soon. All comfort food, all good for me and all delicious. In addition, I think I will spend some time working on this need for approval from others. I have never thought of myself as a doormat before but I do tend to bend over backwards to please others to the detriment of my own needs at times.
I shall also allow myself to be sick and do bugger all without feeling guilty.... much!
Wednesday 17th July
Another day and another entry disappears into cyberspace!!
And it's always the deep and meaningful ones!
What I was GOING to say was that I think I may be depressed again! I know this is a really odd statement especially if you've never suffered from depression but it is one of those conditions that can sneak up on you and pretend to be all sorts of other things and often it is someone else who picks it. This can lead to defensive reactions but fortunately for me I have been there often enough to realise it's a possiblity and the friend that suggested it to me is someone who would never mention it if it wasn't likely. I was telling her how tired I've been lately ... I can sleep all day and all night (and have done so on occasion). I have used night duty and my cold as excuses but I think that is stretching things a bit! In the past fortnight I have done one shift and that was a week ago. I have slept more than enough to make up for that and my cold, whilst not very pleasant, is certainly not so bad that all I should be doing is sleeping. I was reading Mad's journal and her latest entry where she talks about her experiences with depression really struck a chord. To just sit and look at the chaos that makes up your life and not be able to do anything about it. And the frustration of trying to explain to someone who hasn't been there that it's NOT just a case of getting on with it. Believe me, if we could we would.
My house is not the way I would like it. I mentioned yesterday that I am an all or nothing person and often that inhibits me from getting stuck in and doing a cleanup because I know that I can't make it perfect. Over the years I have learned to deal with those feelings and can get the place looking reasonable. At the moment though, just working my way through the dirty laundry is enough of an effort. In the past I have dealt with these episodes by setting myself one task for the day. It could be as simple as wiping down the kitchen bench and if that is all I achieve in the day then at least I have done what I set myself to do. I always set myself little tasks and often find that just getting started on something will give me the energy to do a little bit more and so on. Mind games, I know, but when that black dog strikes you need to be very devious to get around it!!
Needless to say yesterday ended up like all the other days this week. I have now not tracked for a whole week. Not something to boast about, is it? My scales show a 3 kg increase this week and I so don't want to weigh in this evening. But if I do and show a gain then next week I will have something to compare my loss against. If I don't go then whatever I lose may not make up for this weeks gain and I will show a gain anyway but when I don't deserve it. You know what I mean! I'm sure you've all been here at some point!
Tonight I will go to my 5pm meeting and The Girlfriend is coming for dinner and then I will have to drive her home so I won't be able to drink during my danger times which should see me through. Just one day of tracking and I know I can do it. And my task for today? Well, I need to edit a newsletter that himself and I help with for the hospital's cancer support group and if I could do one thing in my bedroom I might be able to get it looking nice again. I have been planning a clean out of my wardrobe to get rid of fat daggy clothes but feel a bit fat and daggy myself today so that might not be a good idea.
Brother has just rung. He's a vet what makes house calls and will be in my area this afternoon so will pop in for a coffee. That could change a lot of my plans but I haven't seen him for a while.
Right, I have taken my St. John's wort, Echinacea and zinc and will get on with the newsletter.
Later.....Just back from WW. A gain of 2.7 kilos. Never, ever, ever have I had a gain like that. In some ways I wasn't too upset as a lot of it would have to be fluid .... wouldn't it???? I was all set to have a chat with my leader but she was off sick and she is really the only person I feel I can really talk to. She is full of good advice. I didn't stay for the meeting cos I find a lot of leaders just read from the blurb whereas Vicky makes it sound as if it's what SHE wanted to talk about and always makes it so interesting and interactive. I bought a WW tracking book. I have been using an exercise book (or 3!!) cos when I started I also kept a written journal. Now I have this place I don't have quite the same need to write things down and I may find that keeping to the food groups as well as just tracking may help. Also have to watch those alcohol points!!
When I get depressed I also experience hightened levels of anxiety and I find that I turn to the booze for the initial sense of calm. Knowing full well that the anxiety will be worse the next day for drinking but at times anything is better than feeling the way I do.
So I shall go and cook dinner for the crew, transfer my day's points into my new tracker and focus really hard on losing weight before next week.
The good thing about all of this? In the past this is where I would have thrown my hands up in despair and disgust and given the whole game away. I am determined to succeed this time. I've had a taste of what being slimmer feels like and I want more.
Lamb and veges here I come (finally!!!).......
Later again .... I was chatting to String Bean about my gain and how I felt and said that I was going to try to stay on track all week. He said "You're always telling me 'Don't try, do' so just do it. You've done it before you can do it again". Ah ... children (even if he is an adult *sob*). Himself was surprised at the amount of gain and asked some relevant questions. So here I am .... carrot sticks and salsa whilst getting the kids dinner ready and while I watched yet another weight loss story on telly, diet ginger beer, another St John's Wort, my veges steaming and my lamb ready to cook. Apple, banana and either custard or a creme caramel (same points) for dessert (gotta get that fruit in) and then a crumpet with something (cheese or jam depending on how I feel) and a hot chocolate and there is my 20 points for the day. And NO wine. I haven't done any exercise today but am starting to feel less coldy and have an RBT session booked for tomorrow. Menfolk have gone to the gym and I thought about going but will give myself the rest of today off to help get over this bug.
I am starting to feel a bit better about myself. And I am in this till I get lifetime. I want those dinky little charms and keyring. I want to be able to say that I did it and finished what I started. And for the first time in my life I am going to fit losing weight into my life rather than suspending my life to lose weight. That will be a challenge but is the only way I will make this work.
Talk to you all tomorrow.
Thursday 18th July
Well yesterday was a success. I stayed on 19.5 points for the day and no alcohol! It's 9.00 and I've been up since 7.45 although still in my jammies and haven't had breakfast yet. Himself and I had a shocking night's sleep .... colds and snoring and apnoea. I'm not going back to bed, though. I shall go and have my baked beans on toast for breakfast then have a shower and toddle off to the gym. Home for lunch and then back for a massage at 4.30. I am starting to feel a little stressed because my days off are running out and I will soon be back on the old treadmill of regular shiftwork ... if you can call shiftwork regular! Once I have a bit more experience in this area I might look at finding work with more civilised hours. I find the lack of routine in shift work very unsettling. If I could work set days I would be happy. But having said that I do like the luxury of having days off during the week when everyone else working. I guess I would prefer not to have to work at all!!!!!! In which case I can guarantee I would be bored out of my tiny little brain in no time at all. There's no pleasing some cats!
I feel that my cold is on the wane and feel pretty good today. A bit stressed cos himself is stressed and that always sends my levels through the roof. After 25 years you'd think I had this worked out wouldn't you? It goes back to what I was talking about a couple of days ago about needing others' approval. I stress out if my cats look at me sideways!! But I find that writing things down, regardless of how ridiculous they may sound, helps to banish some of the fear and also helps me to address the issues.
Baked beans on toast time.
Friday 19th July
Where has the week gone? Two more days and I'm back at work. Come to think of it, where has the year gone?
Yesterday was another good day. Yay, me. I ended up on 19.5 points with 3 bonus points from gym up my sleeve. I am going to quickly update here, check in a couple of favourite places, have breakfast and go for a walk. It's blowing a gale and I could go to the gym but fancy getting a few cobwebs blown away. One of the traps of a gym membership is the tendency to use their equipment because you've paid for it and ignore the benefits of fresh air and a different kind of exercise. Walking in real life is different from walking on a treadmill ... I don't care what anybody says! I'm actually getting quite excited about it. There's a turn up!
I still have my cold and my throat is still so sore. Last night I went to bed at 10.30 and nearly dropped off to sleep but was worrying about String Bean and his lack of understanding of the importance of studying in year 12. His dad had words with him about the amount of time he spends on the computer and/or phone ... which is basically every moment the bugger is at home. I don't know what to do. Should I contact the school? Should I try and talk to String Bean ... he gets very defensive if I bring the subject up which, knowing him, suggests that he is aware of what he is doing but doesn't want to face it. It is so bad that I really think he would be better off pulling out of school now and doing it again next year with a different attitude. I suggested this to him once and he said he wouldn't go back to school if he left. He wants to get into multi-media and build web-pages for people. He is pretty good at what he does but doesn't seem to realise that those skills are equivalent to an art's degree 20 years ago. Everyone had one and they meant nothing. He has to be so much better than everyone else to really make a go of this. And without decent grades at the end of the year he won't be able to do the courses he wants. He has met a couple of people who have fluked it and done exceptionally well in the area with no formal training but they were the lucky ones who were able to get in on the ground floor and have masses of talent. I don't want to make him feel that I don't have faith in him, I do and think he could be brilliant at what he wants to do but he needs to apply himself. Apart from anything, whatever he wants to do will need committment and at the moment he doesn't seem to know what that means. He has been promising to get a part time job and The Drummer even managed to get an interview teed up for him. Would he get his resume together and ring them? No. A shop at Southland was advertising and I offered to drive him down. Initially he was enthusiastic but when I actually said we'd go he said he didn't want to work there. I have explained that in today's climate you don't really have a choice initially. Take whatever you can get, do well and get good references and then you have a bit of a choice. We did tell thim that we didn't expect him to work through year 12 but we did expect him to put a bit more effort in. My argument now is that if he can spend the amount of time he does on his social life he can get a job. I know that a lot his problem is lack of confidence but I still get so frustrated with him. I would be happier if he was doing year 11 this year as he doesn't have the maturity needed for year 12. He is one of the oldest in his year and I am so glad we started the boys later rather than earlier. I had friends who started their kids at school as soon as they could, thinking it was somehow a reflection on their intelligence and academic ability (not that there is a lot of academic ability at 5 years old!). So many of these kids are now struggling in senior school as their emotional and social maturity is not as advanced as their peers.
What a rave that was!!! Obviously I am more worried than I thought. I am having lunch with a very close friend today who has known the kids all their lives. I'll have a chat with her and see what she thinks. I feel that I will end up having to talk to some of String Bean's teachers, though. I need some support from an area that isn't necessarily seen as parental and obstructing!
What I STARTED to say (!) was that after tossing and turning for an hour and a half I took a sleeping pill. I am very much against using any sort of medication for this sort of problem because they can so easily become habit forming but I haven't been sleeping well lately and it is telling on me during the day. I had a reasonable 6 hours sleep with only a few wakings up. I will probably do the same tonight and hopefully that will get me back into the routine of sleep at night and function during the day! It is common for nurses to have this problem after night duty but it is also true that nurses as a profession have a very high rate of substance abuse!
OK ... I could sit and waffle on here all day but it's now 9.30 and I need my breakfast and my walk. The sun is peeping through and the wind is still blowing.
Here's to another day on track. I feel so much better for having that control back in my life and for eating better. I have been tracking my food groups and I'm sure that will help as well. The Drummer is having a hard time with pimples at the moment and is also interested in health and fitness in general and is asking lots of nutritional questions. It certainly helps to keep a cat on the straight and narrow as she tries to show her kittens what to do!!!!
Just one other quick point ... in the past I have felt twinges of guilt if I have eaten all my points. The last couple of days I have eaten almost to the limit and I will endeavour to continue with this all week and see what the scales show. If I need to use bonus points I will use my exercise points which I am always reluctant to do so it will make me think twice. Well, that's the theory!!
is this what a mother cat should be like?!Later ... I did it! I did it! I went for a walk!!! Please be aware that this is the first walk I have been on in over 6 months!!!!! It was soooo windy and for the first part I was walking into a wind that nearly pushed me back. Of course by the time I started for home and the wind was at my back it had dropped to a gentle breeze!! I walked through a new park the council has created with natives and then found another one which they have upgraded with water and native grasses and lovely paths. I had a wonderful time. I felt a strong twinge of sadness as I remembered that it wasn't that long ago that I would have had the three kids in tow and we would have been so excited to discover a new playground. And what a spiffy one it is too.
Motherhood is a bittersweet experience.
I am now going to vacuum and wash the floors, another point maybe? I was going to strip my bed and change the sheets and towels and clean the bathroom but Sheba is curled up asleep under the doona and I would never disturb a comfortable cat! That can wait til this afternoon!! I've had a tub of yoghurt for morning tea ... that's my dairy in for the day. Need to make sure I get the fruit and veges.
I'm feeling good. Sad, but good.
Saturday 20th July
Yesterday was another day on track. I bought a 375 ml bottle of red to have with a very low point dinner. Tonight Himself is making meatloaf (if he wakes up!) which sounds high in points but is made with diet mince. I have also bought a bottle of red to share this time! I am counting my sugar points and even if I reach the week's limit today that will be fine cos I'm back at work on Monday. I went for a walk this morning. The Drummer has a half hour lesson every Saturday and usually we drop him off, come home and the go back and get him. Today I left the car there and walked to buy him some new sticks. Took just over half an hour. Easy bonus 2 points!
Having said all that and sounding so positive, I'm actually in a bit of a snit. We have been talking about buying some new furniture for ages. And we are always checking furniture shops out but everything is either too pricey or too boring! Today I found my dream furniture and it is on sale so won't last. Would Himself even consider it? No, we had to keep checking places. Then he came home and went to sleep! I am NOT someone that can look for the sake of looking.
OK, I'm behaving like a spoilt brat but it is so hard to find stuff and, really, I have no chance of getting anything decent. We will end up buying crap because that is what we will be able to afford when he realises that we need the furniture for an occasion.
The upshot? In true spoilt brat fashion I want to eat crap and drink wine and turn it back on him .... like HE'S going to suffer if the scales don't go down. Actually he probably will but that's another story!!!!!
String Bean has made an appointment with the careers people at school for Monday. He has done a leeeetle bit of study today which is something but is still so touchy if I dare even ask.
If I eat all my bonus points today will I be a bad person? And all the ones I've saved to date? And all the ones I plan on earning before Wednesday? (That was a rhetorical question with tongue firmly in cheek!)
Thanks Trish for rejigging my Chicken and Potato Bake recipe (if you have no idea what I'm talking about you'll have to go to her site won't you and check out her recipe challenge thingy but I'm too lazy to link so go back and find a previous one!)
Talk to you soon, and I should be out of my childish sulk by then!!
Later ...Hrrrrmph!
Not as bad as I have been but not as well as I could have done. Caramel Drumsticks are delicious. Say no more!!
Monday 22nd July
Yesterday was not a pleasant day. And whose fault was that? Mine, all mine.
I was OK when I got up but got snitchier and snitchier as the day wore on. Himself and I went for a drive and I was not very nice to be with. Why? I don't really know. Well, I know what I was doing but I don't understand the reason!
Suffice to say my eating went out the window. I had tracked the previous day's blow out (which I really enjoyed, by the way) and worked out that I had just eaten all my bonus and saved points (I went about 10-11 points over for the day). I felt pretty good about that. Then last evening I blew it. I don't think it was a huuuuuuuge blow out because dinner was very point friendly (spinach and ricotta canelloni - a family fave). The chippies which I shovelled into my face were probably the worst part - and the bottle of bubbles. I also had 7 squares of chocolate and 5 slices of cheese (2.5 points for the cheese). The interesting thing about the chips and the chocolate is that I didn't really enjoy the quantity. I would have been happy with a few chips and maybe a couple of pieces of chocolate. It was definitely a case of self damage there.
Anyway .... today is another day. I am back on track and have allowed myself 18 points for the day. I plan on having a walk before I go to work and that will give me points up my sleeve just in case although I should be right. Late shifts aren't too bad for eating. The positive side of this is that I really have only had one day this week which went completely over points and that is a first for a long, long time.
The Drummer has quit his job at Red Rooster. He has had problems before with the manager (as have most people that work in this store, apparantly) and the final straw was when The Drummer specifically indicated certain shifts he COULDN'T work and this manager rostered him on ALL of them!! Plus a couple of other issues which you wouldn't find in a management training manual! The Drummer assures me that he will look for another job (he does like the money!) but there have been words exchanged over the past few weeks about the fact that String Bean doesn't have a job and yet doesn't go without (often because he 'borrows' money from his brother!). I wonder if there is an element of payback there. Himself and I have discussed this and whilst we wouldn't want SB to get a job right now with only 3 months of school left before his final exams (and he is going to have to work BLOODY hard to pass those!), once those exams are over he is going to have to find work. There is no way that we can support him in the lifestyle he intends to become accustomed to! Oh boy, interesting and challenging times ahead methinks!
Why did you become fat? (assuming, because you're reading this that you have an issue with weight or have had in the past!)
Were you someone who lived on junk food/takeaway? Was chocolate a basic food group? Was your food pyramid inverted? Did you eat 'healthy' but too much? Were you a chubby child? An emotional eater? Why am I asking these questions?
Well, we spend a lot of time, rightly so, in thinking ahead and planning for and practising a healthy lifestyle and this will often include looking for triggers for over-eating. BUT .... there seems to be a general assumption that overweight people became that way because they were lazy, ate junk food, didn't know a lettuce from a football, had huge emotional issues with food, and so on. I question this line of thinking. Indeed many people often say that they never (or at least rarely) ate chocolate or biscuits, or McDonald's (or KFC or Pizza or whatever your chosen poison is) and only started craving them when they went on a program to lose weight which either banned them or allowed them. Even a program like WW (which I think is excellent) places some emphasis on the fact that 'no food is forbidden' 'you can have your cake and eat it too' and the like. Great, if that is your fancy but let's not get caught up in the feeling that because we can have them we should have them.... unless we really want them. If you haven't eaten this way in the past, there is no reason to start now!! Many years ago when I first went down the weight loss path (and what a stupid choice THAT was!!) there was a plethora of ads for artificial sweeteners. If you were on a diet you used Sugarine or Hermesetas or whatever in your tea or coffee. The ads suggested that ALL slim women carried their dinky little boxes and neatly slipped the tab into their cuppa. So being the good little advertisers' dream that I am, I dutifully bought my dinky little box and slipped my tabs along with the rest of them and drank my artificially sweetened tea. Nothing wrong with that .... except that I have never taken my tea or coffee sweetened!!!!! But, I was on a diet and that is what everyone did. If you don't like something, don't eat it
Shower, walk, washing, work!!!
By the way .... I have been trying to link to the wonderful site that has all the cat graphics I use .... I think I've finally managed it
Tuesday 23rd July
I survived my first day back at work - just! There were too many people around after the peace and quiet of night duty!! I still have a horrible cough ... a patient offered me a Soother!!! I would prefer to not be there but we have so many people off sick and so many really sick patients that unless I'm infectious I can't justify not being there. I'm still not crazy about work which worries me. I went into nursing because it's something I've always wanted to do and initially I just loved it. Lately, though, I am finding it really hard. Hopefully just a phase. Part of it is probably because of the financial debt I feel I owe Himself and the family for the cost of university and the years when I could have been working but was studying instead. Not to say that I would give up work completely but I feel I should use the education I have. I would drop my days back and maybe work 3 days a week and would be happy to not work weekends but then the pay drops. It is only the penalty rates for shift work that puts nursing on any sort of financial par with other university trained professions. And when one considers the responsibility we have then I question anyone who thinks we are overpaid! Is it any wonder universities are finding it hard to recruit nursing students when a kid can get a degree in any one of a number of IT areas, leave uni, go and add to the profits of multinational giants and earn more than twice as much as a newly graduated nurse who literally has life and death decisions to make. My humble opinions but I doubt many would disagree (apart from the government!) I'll get off the hobby horse now!!
I tracked well yesterday and guessed an extra couple of points for walking around the ward all shift! I had planned for a hot chocolate when I got home but had such a coughing fit I indulged in a small glass of a whiskey liqueur we bought in Tassie. It's blended with herbs and honey and really soothes an irritated throat. And I slept like a log!!
Weigh in tomorrow ... I do hope I have managed to undo some of the damage from last week.
STOP PRESS!!!! One of my colleagues asked me if I had lost weight cos I certainly look as if I had!!!!
Better get a wriggle on ... I have to think about dinner, make sure there are shirts and undies for tomorrow, go to the gym for my RBT session with Pete, then home for shower, quick lunch and off to work. I'm on a late/early so don't know when I'll be able to get back. I'll try and steal a few moments to update after weigh in!
Later .... You know the worst thing about a cough? Stress incontinence. 'Nuff said!
I was thinking as I was getting my half hour of cardio on the treadmill. Well, there's not much else to do since every single set of earphones that have ever come into this house have disappeared into that black hole known has The Kid's bedroom. He denies it, of course. Anyway, I was thinking. We try so hard to be perfect with this weight loss thing. We set ourselves goals every single day and if we slip up along the way we beat ourselves up so badly. "I've been really bad, I went over by 3 points" "I was naughty and had a piece of (insert favourite piece of here)" "I'll never succeed at this". Think of any other part of your life where you set yourself such high goals and where you berate yourself if you don't achieve them. Well? Hard, isn't it? For example, can you honestly say that your house is immaculate every day of the week. Sparkling, dustfree with the toilets, showers and laundry scrubbed each and every day? (OK I know there are some people like that ... get a life!) Do you call yourself names if your garden isn't weed free? Do you consider yourself a failure if your meals aren't cordon bleu every single day? If you are less than polite with loved ones (or strangers) does that make you less worthwhile? I know that for any weight loss program to succeed there has to be committment and application but let's be realistic and accept that losing weight is just another part of our full, busy and satisfying (I hope) lives. We are not perfect and we shouldn't expect perfection in this endeavour. We will only make ourselves miserable and, heaven knows, there is misery enough in the world without adding to it unnecessarily. Enjoy the journey!
Wednesday 24th July
Quick update. Lost 1.5kgs (I think! My book is at the other end of the house and my feet are throbbing.) I have a kilo to lose to get back to my lowest weight this time round.
I'm coping reasonably well at work. I have got the buzz back which is a real relief. Eating hasn't been too bad although we had an afternoon tea to welcome the new Unit Manager and although I didn't indulge then, the leftovers remained on the ward and the date cake was tooooo tempting .... delicious, though. Today we had an inservice education session from one of the drug companies. These companies know nurses and often provide yummy food to guarantee attendance!! The lemon tart was devine!! I only had a tiny slice and it was worth every bite/point. Afterwards I was thinking about the afternoon and realised that only nurses could have sat through the session eating lemon tart .... the main focus of the talk was how to deal with the major side effect of a particular new chemo drug ..... DIARRHOEA!!!! In all it's forms ... the stages (did you know diarrhoea had stages?), the treatment, how to identify when treatment should be started (I'm trying to be sensitive here ... some of you may be eating, although probably not by now!!!!), and other things you don't want to know about! So next time someone offers you lemon tart ...............!
Tonight I have made one of those decisions to suspend the day. I have tracked well so far but late/earlies knock me around, life is a tad stressful on the home front, my feet hurt like hell and I cannot face thinking about me so I'm having what they're having and tomorrow is another day.
On that note I shall go and rest my weary feet and get myself organised for another early start.
Thursday 25th July Have I told you my feet hurt?! I was running a bit late this morning and then couldn't get the ice off the windscreen - every time I hosed it off, it would refreeze!. Consequently I was too late to park where I did yesterday but I still parked a fair way away from the hospital. Then in the middle of the day I decided to go and get the camera from the car to take some photos for a couple of patients who were having a life-saving procedure done and they wanted to be able to show the family what was involved. Nothing gruesome! So I probably got about 20 minutes of incidental walking to and from the car not to mention all the walking I did around the ward. I had a scatty day today and kept forgetting things and having to go back and get them. Normally this would frustrate me but I kept thinking of those bonus points! Last night at the meeting a member described how her son had left half a mudcake in the fridge and how it was calling her name REALLY LOUD!! She ended up cutting a small slice, chewing it really well and relishing the taste then spitting it out! Initially I was a bit perturbed at this, thinking it was a tad obsessive and could almost be construed to be bordering on bulimic behaviour. Vicky, the leader, then pointed out that that is what wine tasters do. I guess you could be a connoisseur of mud cake!!! The woman in question said it satisified her craving without the points. She wouldn't do it every day but it worked in this instance. Another member was talking about a friend who had bought her a lemon tart to have with coffee even after she had declined. The comment was made that she could have chewed it and spat it out!!!! It is interesting though, that she was concerned with how to avoid hurting her friend's feelings when I considered her friend pretty thoughtless for not abiding by the initial refusal of the offer of a tart.
Not much to add today. Work is good. One more shift then SIX days off. I am planning on getting my tattoo next week. Sssshhhh ....don't tell my family! The friend at work I was going to go with went and got a couple done WITHOUT ME! (She said her partner agreed so she had to go before minds were changed!) Anyway she is bringing the phone number to work tomorrow and I'll see if I can book in for Monday. She had a couple done ... took 45 minutes and cost $50. I'm getting quite excited at the prospect. String Bean wants to go for a drive and like the dutiful mother I am I will take him to the supermarket ... Have a great night and I'll try and catch up tomorrow. If I sneak in through the front door and get on here before anyone knows I'm home I can update. The kids are starting to think I care more about the computer than I do about them! So you should all feel honoured that I would rather talk to you than my children. At least you lot don't ask for money, something to eat, why CAN'T you go out on a weeknight and can I write a note to the school explaining why you didn't take your sport's uniform to school all before I've had time to put my bag down. Cheers! FAT ATTACK!! FAT ATTACK!! TAKE COVER!!
So what happened THIS time?? I have not been tracking since I went to my meeting on Wednesday. Early shifts are hard for me. I end up giving in to temptation at work or when I get home. I think part of the problem is not enough protein during the day and when I get home I am tired, hungry and can't be bothered thinking and planning a meal for me. Having said that, though, last night I deliberately chose pizza even though Himself had smoked salmon salad which I had to buy and prepare. So no excuses there. I chose to have a pizza with The Kid. Well, one each, actually! Great plans to start afresh today. Went for a walk while the Drummer was drumming and then went to the bread shop and came home and had a croissant (which I had bought for Himself only he doesn't know that cos it was in my tummy before he came inside ... and, if truth be known, he wouldn't have eaten it anyway and I knew that so why did I buy it? DUH!) and a finger bun with butter. The lovely people at my hot bread shop must have huge fingers! Their finger buns are more like foot buns. I also have a thumping headache, upset stomach, feel nauseated and generally BLAH. It's a glorious Melbourne winter's day and I should be out in the garden. The Drummer has his mates over for Band practice and Himself and I will be going out shortly when he has finished watching something on cable with The Kid. String Bean is off with some mates doing something for a school project. Unfortunately not one of his! I told him that I would take him to get a tattoo after his exams if he can put in 100% between now and then. He knows about my excursion on Monday and I'm hoping the bribe will work. I'll keep flashing my ankle at him if he looks like slacking off. I told him this morning that I want committment all the way through, not just in the last minute panic. He agreed so we shall wait and see. He saw the careers people at school yesterday and he is even more confused about what to do when he finishes school. His dream of getting into IT is well and good but everyone thinks they can make a killing in the field. I wouldn't want to be a kid these days. It is so hard for them. Now, what to do about the rest of the day. Exercise some damage control? Eat only the points left (if any!)? Forget today and continue to fill me with crap? I think I will make sensible choices but not worry about points per se. I'm not sure who will be home for dinner but I think there will be at least 4 of us. Might look at a roast with lots of veges and a nice bottle of red to share with Himself (and maybe even String Bean .... ). If I fill up on veges and feel that I have had a really nice meal I should be safe from the after dinner pickings. I really DON'T like feeling fat and bloated and liverish after eating rubbish. Yet I continue to do it. Really, considering how I felt this morning, I would have been better having a salad roll or a bowl of soup. NOT the high fat, low nutritional croissant and foot bun. Wouldn't it be great if we could take our brains out and have a good look at them objectively. Sometimes I'm just too close to my thoughts to be able to make a lot of sense out of them. Enjoy your weekend.
buggerbuggerbuggerbuggerbuggerbugger I have absolutely no one to blame but myself and I have no excuses. I chose to eat like an idiot and drink far too much cheap wine.
I love the compliments, the healthy, slim feeling and the feeling of being in control. So why, why, why do I blow it as soon as these things start happening. It's not as if I want the rubbish I shove in my face. It's not as if I feel deprived if I don't have it. It's more that if I don't try I can't be disappointed or something. I am having dinner with my skinny, neurotic friend on Thursday. If I had kept tracking I would have lost a noticeable amount from when I last saw her. So what do I do? Think of Thursday and eat. Today I'm getting my tattoo. This was originally meant to be a reward for getting to goal. Then I decided I'd get one anyway and it would encourage me to stay on track. It would have been great to have been a kilo lighter. So what do I do? Think tattoo and eat. I have really had a huge emotional boost from the compliments and comments I have been getting from people who haven't seen me for a while at work. So what do I do? Bask in the feeling of success and eat. I LIKE Weight Watchers. I LIKE losing weight. I LIKE feeling slim and healthy. So why the hell do I keep doing this? I had a little thought at the weekend that if I can't lose the weight then how the hell will I ever be able to maintain. All the weight will pile back on. I know that doesn't have to be the case but maybe there is an element of 'why bother'. I think the Drummer may be depressed. Considering his familial history in this area it is hardly surprising but I have to work out what to do. He and The Girlfriend have decided to just be best friends rather than boy/girl friends. Rather a mature decision I thought. He values her friendship more than anything. Speaking of the Drummer .... both Himself and I have both attempted to do Drummer's tax online with e-tax. He has only earned a couple of thousand over the few months he has been working and should get all the tax he has paid as a refund (about $400). If we follow the insturctions on the stupid e-tax thingy he ends up OWING the taxation department another $400+. It amazes me that people can't seem to get these things right before they release them. I think they should have a form for kids who have after school jobs. The stupid form says that we have indicated that at some point in the past year The Drummer has had a spouse!!!!!! HE'S 16 YEARS OLD FOR PETE'S SAKE!!!!! So there's another few hours that one of us will have to waste dealing with the tax dept. Time for a shower (make sure I shave my legs .... don't want a hairy flower!!) I'll let you know how it goes (the tatt, not my shower!!). And I shall endeavour to get my head back in a better space and see if I can't get this weight loss thing licked. It really shouldn't be this difficult, should it?! I'll say something for writing here ... do matter how pissed off and miserable and defeated I feel when I start, I always feel better and more motivated when I finish. Later ... Well .... I'm now the proud owner of a flower and tiny butterfly on my left ankle and a larger butterfly on my right chest. I'm a bit worried that the larger butterfly isn't quite visible enough but I can always go back and have some flowers placed around it to centre it a bit more. Yup .... I'd go back for more! There were a couple of moments when it was bloody sore but just as I started to feel that this wasn't much fun, it eased. I'll get the camera fired up and see if I can get some piccies for you all. Now .... let's see if I can shift this weight! I always wanted to be a nurse ... I went to uni and got my degree. I always wanted a tattoo .... and I've finally got one (or two - hehehe). I have always wanted to be slim and healthy .... so .... let's see if I can find whatever it was that has helped me achieve other dreams and harness it to this dream. And I use the word 'dream' advisedly. I never seem to be able to work towards a goal ... but a dream ... well there's a touch of magic there somewhere and I think we all need a little more magic in our lives. I believe that we make our luck and we control our destiny but I also believe in that little touch of magic ... call it universal spirit, call it love, call it kharma ... but I do believe that what we give without strings will return to us when we need it the most. That's my definition of magic ... Talk to you soon....... Sorry for being so negative lately. Later ... Feeling better. Had a grizzle to Himself. He came home for lunch - even though he spent the whole time on the phone arguing with the people that built our fence 3 years ago and won't even come and have a look at it even though we have been complaining about it since it was built! But it was nice that he came home. I've torn all the used pages out of my WW tracking book and have started afresh ... on Week 2 Day 3 but what the hell! My RBT session tomorrow night clashes with my usual meeting. I can go to a later one with the same leader or I can use one of my freebies and track like blazes to show a loss next week. I am getting a tad disheartened with my gains even though I know the cause. I was going to by ANOTHER tracker but that stinks too much of the perfection thinking I talked about a few days ago. This is a huge issue for me ... clean slate, fresh starts and all that. I need to accept hiccups and continue rather than begin again all the time. I know it's only words but it does have an impact on how I see myself and what I do in life. I'm off to a friend's place now. My brother is doing something with her cat and she wanted me there to let him in as she's at work. She also mentioned assisting him. Normally I wouldn't have a problem with that (I have been a vet nurse in the past and well as a people nurse now!) but this cat is enormous and has the foulest temper. He attacks his owner with claws and teeth if she doesn't feed him on time. He's going to love Brother and me sticking things up him and in him!! Catch you later. Lordy, it's the last day of July already. It's now 10.15 and I have been here since 8.30! I started to do my usual read and found that Mad is back online and Jan had linked to a couple of journals that I've had to add to my favourites. I need to be a bit more selective of my daily readings but I can't choose!!! It takes me forever to link but go to Jan and read Linda and Rhonda if you don't already! And I'm glad I made you think, Jan!! That's why I love reading other journals ... they have all made me think today and there is so much I can relate to. I had another moment of enlightenment last night. The Kid kept asking me if I'd shown my tattoos to Nana & Grandad, Brother and Best Friend. And Himself has told his mates at work. Now don't get me wrong ... I wouldn't have done this if I didn't want people to know - nor would I be planning extensions to them (another story!). But it left me feeling distinctly uneasy and I got quite short with The Kid. As I thought about my feelings I remembered feeling similarly at various times in the past. A couple of years ago I got my learner's permit for a motorbike (and bought a bike as well). This was another long held dream and I was so excited by the prospect. The family (mainly The Kid and Himself) went on and on and on at me about when I was going to ride until I lost all confidence and interest and ended up selling the bike (at a considerable loss). At the time I was just cross with myself and whenever we pass a particularly sexy looking bike and Himself is with me I feel guilty as all getout. BUT (drum roll and trumpet fanfare) I think I have worked out another thing that makes this cat tick. As a child (here we go again!) I never felt that I owned my life. I have mentioned the business with the chocolates and the ants (I can relate to your husband, Jan) and how I had this need for approval. One of the biggest issues I have had with my mother over the years is her constant tendency to take over anything that happens in my life. If something bad happens, she has experienced worse or knows someone (about whom I couldn't care less!) who has suffered more. If something good happens she takes it over and makes it hers. Somehow she manages to take the credit and glory for everything I have ever done (and told her about!!). My kids are talented because they take after HER (or my musical brother) ... Himself and I seem to have had little or no genetic or nurturing input! If there was something over which she couldn't exercise ownership (my youth against her age when I was an adolescent, for example) then that was turned against me. I was told I was vain because I used to experiment with hairstyles and makeup. I can think of so many things that have happened to me over the years and times when I should have been so happy or proud of myself but these feelings were diluted because I ended up having to 'share' them or even hand them over completely. What's my point? Well, I have been trying to work out why when people tell me something positive it somehow takes away the pleasure of what I've done. As I've said before, I love the compliments that come from losing weight but as soon as I get them I feel resentful and want to stop doing whatever it is that earned them in first place and I think it's a response to feeling that I'm about to have yet another positive experience hijacked. The Drummer told me to show my tattoos to a mate of his yesterday and I had none of those feelings, felt quite chuffed in fact, but where Himself often reminds me of my mother (another long entry for another day .... 'have you married your mother?') The Drummer never does. But that's another story! Yesterday I cleaned the kitchen and family room. Today I had planned to clean out our bedroom and sort through my wardrobe. It's now 11.00, I haven't had my shower yet and I'm catching up with Best Friend this afternoon. But I've really enjoyed my morning here and am feeling pretty good about life, the universe and everything! Later ...Just got home from coffee with Best Friend! I wasn't sure how she'd react to my artwork but she loved it! I might even get her to have one done. Mind you, the dramas I had getting her to have her ears pierced.... Her daughter who was a baby at the time was with us in the pusher. I marched Barb into the salon and asked "how much to pierce her ears". Barb did an about face and marched out with pusher as the salon girl asked "how old is she?" "35" I answered!!!! I didn't buy any clothes today. I don't want to buy any more winter stuff and I don't want to buy summer stuff just yet as I'm planning on being smaller by then. Our favourite shop did have some lovely unusual stuff from last summer that was really cheap. If they'd had anything remotely my size I would have bought it and Barb got a lovely 3 piece outfit for cost price. Over $150 less than originally but it was the last one in the shop and was a size 1 (whatever that is in real sizes ... about a 10/12 I think). Had a lovely afternoon with Barb. She is always good for my brain and my soul. Whilst we were having coffee the friend I'm having dinner with tomorrow evening rang to confirm this evening! Just as well. Silly cow got her dates mixed up! I'm going out tonight, now, which will work out well with my mind and weight watchers and everything. I can't weigh in now (I was going at 7.00 instead of 5.00 cos of gym at 5.30) but that's OK. I'll start afresh tomorrow ... maybe even buy another tracking notebook as my WW one has got terribly thin over the past few days as I start again and again and again! This way I'll have a whole week to track and hopefully lose by next Wednesday. Just as well I bought another 8 weeks last week or I might have used all this as a reason to quit. There's that magic again! Better go and get ready for gym.
Thanks for this, Trish!
Me on the fitball!!!!
Saturday 27th July
Monday 29th July
Tuesday 30th JulyI am not in a good place today. I have been having panic attacks and wondering if I have done the right thing with my tattoos!!! Thing is ... I can't take them back! I'm sure I'll feel better about them when I feel better about myself. The scales have shown another gain and my jeans, which were getting nice and loose, are now uncomfortably tight. My hair has grown too quickly after my last cut (3 weeks ago) and I need another one. I have rescheduled my RBT session from this morning to tomorrow evening. I feel like shit.
Wednesday 31st July
