Thursday 1st August
Yikes .... where has the year gone? Time for some re-evaluation methinks.
Well, I went out for dinner last night and it was OK. I had a few issues to deal with when I got home involving The Drummer and one of his friends who has been causing trouble with a family who are good friends of ours. The Drummer couldn't see what the problem was but then he is a very direct kid and, although he has his own problems, being underhanded and deceitful aren't among them. If anything, he is too straightforward and honest with people and our society doesn't cope very well with that. He gets confused and hurt when people play nasty mind games with him. Just the mother cat in me coming out, I guess!
I also want to add after my tirade yesterday, that I love my mother dearly and she has had some enormous issues to deal with over her life and she is still learning to cope ... or not as the case may be! I realise that each generation passes its problems onto the next and we are fortunate to have been born into a time when it's acceptable (if not mandatory!) to indulge in some soul searching to try to understand ourselves and our emotional heritage better. In my parents' time Things Just Weren't Talked About. And if someone needed professional help to Deal With Life .... well, god forbid the neighbours would find out!
So, it's the first of August. I have no plans in the immediate future which involve eating and drinking (other than that needed to keep body and soul together!). I'm back at work for four days from tomorrow. I weighed 75.6 on my scales this morning. That's nearly 3 kilos heavier than my lightest this time round. My clothes aren't as comfortable as they have been. I know where a lot of my negative thinking is coming from. Shedding 10 kilos is not an impossible task. So let's get on with it.
I shall go and have my breakfast and plan my day. I may buy a new tracker or I may use my incredible shrinking tracker! Wouldn't it be fantastic if I could track for 7 whole days!!!
Look out world, here I come!!!
Friday 2nd July
It looks as if other people have lives! My journal reading only took a couple of minutes!
Last night was another stuff up. A little voice keeps telling me that there is really no need to track (or 'be good' - its favourite phrase) because I will undoubtedly show a gain next week and before long I will be back to where I started or more and that I will never be slim again. Self talk is a very powerful thing ... especially when you don't realise it's happening until the damage has been done!
Anyway, today is another day. I have written down my day's tracker and have 3 points left to play with. That doesn't include any bonus points I may earn through the day.
Yesterday I had one of those "I DON'T WANNA BE ON A DIET ANY MORE!!!!!!!!!" days. I was feeling restricted, resentful and, curiously, fat. I say curiously because you would think that if one was feeling fat then one would WANT to be doing something to become less so. Today I feel better. Still fat, but better!
I took the Drummer out for lunch yesterday (Nando's chicken salad .... YUMMO! at 2 points) and he described how he is feeling as 'empty'. I have started him on St. John's Wort which is a herbal SSRI (anti-depressant) and he takes zinc which helps boost the immune system. I think he may need some counselling in the future but when I suggested he see the school's welfare person he said that he didn't want to take up her time as there were too many people with real problems that needed her more than he does. Ah, the joys of bringing up teenage boys! String Bean informed me that he would be moving out next year. How he plans to pay for this I don't know! I know many parents can't wait for their kids to leave home but I am dreading it. Makes me teary just to think about it yet I know that I have to continue to encourage their independence. I've said it before ... motherhood is a bittersweet experience.
I need to go and do something to cheer me up! I'll prepare dinner ... for 2 cos I'm at work, The Drummer's at work and String Bean announced that he probably won't be home til late - it's his favourite so that'll teach him! Who said mothers couldn't be immature! Then something to make ME feel special before I go to work; coffee, a book, the couch in the sun with my cats! I love having chunks of days off but I know that when I go back the ward will have changed and I won't know most of the patients and I know that at least one will have lost her battle with cancer since I was last there.
Getting in here over the weekend could be difficult so if I don't, have a great weekend, do something just for you, smile at a stranger and be kind to your loved ones.
Tuesday 6th July
I hope you all had a good weekend.
Work was good. Very sad, but rewarding all the same.
Eating sensibly? Let's not go there! Although I know that I need to address this or I will be back beyond where I started in no time at all. The very thought of tracking sends me into a spin and have been seeking out the worst possible foods. My intake of wine has increased again. My consumption of pure crappy junk foods is more than it has been for a long time. Exercise isn't in my vocabulary at the moment. I think I need to take some time out and do some serious thinking about where I'm going and why. Maybe it's time I went back to the doctor and faced up to my potential health problems (actually, they're more than potential).
I'll get back to you and let you know what I decide.
Wednesday 7th August
Bacon, eggs, mushrooms cooked in the bacon fat, toast with lashing of butter, bread and butter whilst the 'meal!' was cooking. No wonder I'm sitting here feeling like shit!
Last night's concert was wonderful. I love watching young people perform especially when they're good and this lot were excellent. The Maccas The Kid and I had before was probably not a brilliant idea. Oh well .... something will happen soon and I'll make a decision about what to do with my health and weight issues. I hope it's not a heart attack, stroke or cancer diagnosis. If I'm thinking like that then maybe it's time I grew up and took some responsibility.
Going to make a cuppa and have a snooze on the couch. Well, I'm full of grease and cholesterol and animal fat and my blood is probably like old engine oil!
Later .....
