Harry Potter is the devils Issue (say it in a south carolina accent)
Mood:  not sure
Now Playing: Evinessance... Bring me back to life
I think that I am the only person in the world that is yet to read Harry Potter but the truth be told I am a little scared.

Not of the book it's self but the fact that one book can be soo popular. I get on the bus every morning and every single person is reading Harry Potter.

I have a theory, that Harry Potter has some sought of Subliminol message.. Mabey it's saying "see the movie" or mabey it's saying "Muslims are bad" who knows. But something that is that famous and popular can't be without some scam or without some corporation owning it.

For everyone playing at home I realised something the other day... Soemtimes you say the most truthful things about your self without even realising it at the time.. Yestoday Kelly (my new friend that has been added into the Clare hall of blog)said about Justine (read last entry) If you like him tell him. I said, "I only like hiom because he shows no intrest in me talks about girls he's shaging and I can't have him, there for I want him in every way possiable, but the moment that he starts to show intrest, I will like him no more." I didn't realise that about my self till I said it... What sought of person thinks like that..

The reason that my relationships fizzle out (read last entry) is not because of the guys, it's because of me. As soon as they start to like me, It's me who goes of them, me who starts to treat them like shit so they eventually stop calling me. Oppps...

Whats a girl ment to do...

i KNOW i say this every weekend but no more drugs
Mood:  hug me
Now Playing: All I can hear is the thumping of my head
Well obviously you can tell by the tittle that I am fragile, so I hjope this entry makes a bit of sence...

Ok question why is it that when I acctually start to date a guy it fizzles out.. What am I entertaining untill they start to date me. Are they scared that it's going to fast... Well Andrew and I stared to go out then bam no more andrew haven't spoken to him in a week, then on friday I thought I would invite him to lepanic (I wanted to get laid and I was feeling a bit left out cause every that I know was pairing off) So I rang and he was "yhea yhea for sure I will see you in an hour."

Yhea he never showed up :(..

But the rest of the night looked up.

Kell, Mulon and Justin were all there tho I was the only one of us that wasn't on pills. Justin and I talked for hours tho the conversation on his part consisted off random one off lines eg: "you smell like a clean" and no I there was no typing errors in that sentance. By the end of the night we were all fucked and decided to go to my house. (I think for the fact that we can smoke inside and it really dosn't matter how fucked up every one is.

The thing that sucks about Justin is that we have alreay shagged so sometimes it is awked (whatever) The thing that probably sucks the most with him is that I acctually like him, and he has baggage and he shags other girls as well.

Why is it that I go out with losers who are ugly and who I don't particularly like but I shag hotties who are only into me cause I have a vigina and let them ply with it!!!!

I realised that I know why I always talk about the oppisite sex... It is because thats why we were put on this earth.. to procreate so no wonder I never have anything else to talk about.

I'm so confussed I don't know what I'm looking for I don't know what I want in a guy I don't know what my type is and whos type I am...

These days I don't really know who I am any more, other then a girl who's scared and fragile who pretends to be tough and unloving instead of feeling used the way I feel right now.

I am a funny bitch
Mood:  not sure
Now Playing: Some tecno song
Wow I read tho my bloag today, it is the funnist thing that I have read in my life. If I die tomorrow I'm going to be rembered as the girl who has nothing to whinge about except for boys and hangovers (and a bad speller) if this bloag has anything to do with it.

I think iv'e figured it out, why I feel so weird all the time. It is because life is not like the movies or in the shows. I'm not talking about the happy endings please I am not naive. More like in the movies every all the actions that they take are planned and full of thought. They always learn a lesson or become a better person. Life is more interesting, the characters even think differently compered to the mandane life that we mere mortals must have to deal with every day. Blah that doesn't make sence but I can;t really explain what I mean.

Any way life is blah and here is the email that Jay sent me.... my theory is he had a dream about me and missed me.. It all went down hill from there. I dreamt about him one night and the next day I get this email a cosidence maby, but I will always treasure this email (an email is the new love letter) This was sent a while ago :) I just thought I would put it in to remember it..
Hi Clare,

Im so sorry I haven't written back to you, like you said I am terrible
at replying to emails. Beyond that, I just didn't have much to say. I
finished my third year of school two weeks ago and will be starting
work in NYC in a few days. I'm looking for an apartment in the city
right now, but its really tough to find a rental for 2 months.

Smalltalk aside, I wanted you to know that I think about you every
day. This semester was a continual process of stupid drunk girls, sub-
standard drunken hookups, or failures. Every time I tell someone about
how great you are and how much fun we had, I miss you more and more. I
thank god I met you because you are the embodiment of what I desire in
a girlfriend. You are the most fun, cheerful, kind, compassionate,
sweet girl I have ever known, and I will do everything I can to see
you again, hopefully soon. I have your pictures you gave me of you in
the orange/pink dress out in the back. These are so funny to me
because you look absolutely stunning, but you have the most pompous,
model-chick look on your face, and I can just imagine you cracking up
trying to look so serious and demure. I miss your laugh, I miss
dancing with you, I miss showering with you, I miss you every time I
hear our songs, I miss the best sex of my life, and I miss you giving
me a continually positive, optimistic outlook on life. Thank you for
all of that and so much more.

What I wouldn't do to be with you right now,
-Jay Baby


Yours are the sweetest eyes, i've ever seen...

Who reads this shit
Mood:  lazy
Now Playing: Voodo Child
Meh, it's so weird starting a new job. I have just come from a job where every one knew me loved me and I knew it. To a job where the girls are very wery of me, thankgod I know Crystal, or else I don't think I would of been able to survive. Only 5 more months of this shite and then its coles I go.. Mabey mum said did say something worrying to me, she said why would they want to hire me when they can hire under 21 year olds man thats shite house, I better go in and get my RSA mmmmm I wonder what sought of job I'm going to end up with?? I could work in a resturant but coles is so much better just standing there hi how are you, hows your day, Price cheack on blah blah blah. I think that I will work nights cause it will be better. I hope that every thing goes smoothly ahh living the uni life. I feel like a need a break from the real world for a while. You know the stigma that is attached to uni students you get away with less, I can work part time and have time to study and then ohh and then when we have those glorius breaks ahhh I will party. But I have a plan to combat getting every thing done when I start uni, It's called speed a gram can last me 2 weeks, if I'm feeling tired after working the late shit and I have an assignment due up the nose and away it goes!! Healthy I know but fuck it if I'm going to take drugs I might as well be studying when I do them. Totaly of the subject I was on MSN and I saw (dum dum dum) Rici was on there, the thought of even communicating with her on any level makes me feel sirty like I can some how catch the small-country-town-still-with-high-school-boyfriend-up-her-self-ugly-face/legs syndrome. (what I had to put something catty in there.) This weekend was pretty cool. I went out with Kelly on Friday night and we really bonded, usually we (or me) have to really strain to have a convo but Friday night it flowed and it was fab. We meet up with mattie at town hall and man there were some hot alternative boys there all back from the Queens of the stoneage concert. Well it ended up with me and kelly snorting in the tolite and then getting absolutly hammered. I found my self alone at 5.00 in the morning getting a cab home as Kelly and Mattie couldn't handle it (thats right biarches) I ended up really getting along with these 2 cool guys (one was heaps cuter then the other by far) hmmm oh mum and her boyfriend broke up and now they are back together, if you ask me he is a pig. I can't be my self around him I have to be polite and always Hi and buy so he doesn't get offened. Mum says how much she hates dad but Kirk has so many qualities that dad pocesses. Sure he's more fun but I think that is blinding mum. But what can I do she's happy and thats all that matters. I just wish she could see him with out the rose colored glasses. Before I go I have to tell you story about the crazy man, he was on my bus and he was talking to every one telling him how he got a knife pulled on him by a young girl on the train.

Do you ever start talking in your head as if your writing well i do, eg: she walked out of the train station, the cold dirty wind hit her face on, bringing the pungent smell of people and macdonalds. She shudded.

I do all the time and some times it sounds so good, there is just so much stuff that is not said that goes throgh our brains that should!!

I don't love you but i'm gonna fuck you till somthing better comes along
Mood:  lazy
Now Playing: Delta on the person's radio near me
Well I am writing this from my new job. Which was kindly offered to me by Crystal and Fred. This job sucks I have some fancy title but judging by the time that i have to write this in I don't have much to do. Though I'm sure that it will change as they are moving in a week and a bit to a better and bigger location. Which means I will no longer be hidden behind the wall whereas every one else in this building is on the opposite side. During my month of ( being made redundant, catch up would you goddamm it.) I ventured of to QLD not to party this time but to visit mum and do the adult shit that one must do when they reach that certain age of responsibility. Ha responsibility my ass more like having no money because you have to pay rent, food, cabs and try and save money for uni next year. Not that it will be just uni that I'm saving up for it will be rent, bond having enough money to live of while trying to find a job. And what if (I'm jsut thinking logically) what if I don't get in then what the fuck am I ment to do then?? move back to sydney where every day on my way to work I see mindless zombies getting on and of trains/buses not even realing that this is another day of their lives that they are slowly wasting, another usless day and what for? Money a measly paycheak sure some of them are are happy. But very few.

Any way enough of computer babble if I don't get in then there is a bridging course which will be more expensive as I will have to pay it up front. God please let me get into uni !!!! hmmm Brad you still better move in with me but I guess I can understand if you can't. If you are we will seroiusly have to look as soon as I come down which is about christmas cause it takes a good month to find a place. We will have to make a list of every thing that we will need :)

Ok I can't think of anything else to gripe about but I'm sure to let you know if I do.. P.S matt, Brad give me your bloag links I have lost them !!

Life is a funny thing
Mood:  a-ok
Now Playing: Sissor Sisters
Topic: Crazy
Ok for every one playiog at home, you may of wondered why I haven't written in here for a while well let me tell you all, you wouldn't believe me even if I told you. But I will or else this will be a very boring bloag. Well on Wednesdayb last week I got fired!!! Thats right well the real word for it is being made redunant. I got taken into Jacks office (the big boss)he then told me "unfortanlty I have some bad news for you Clare your job no longer exsits." Well let me tell you I was staring at him like a goldfish, the first thing that went though my head is, this is a funny joke man they are really getting me back, hmmm I wonder why Jack is getting involved. But the longer i looked at the man who looks like Father Christmas without a soul. So I gave him the puppy dog eyes and realised there and then that it wasn't a joke and my whole entire world was crumbling around me (that and I was very very hung over ) I went to me desk packed up my stuff refusing to cry and walked out of the building. As I walked into my house I broke down not movie sobbing with my makeup still on breaking down. The sought from the exorsist, screaming, snot flying every where. I rang mum and she was upset and compleatly dopped of her face. The poor thing had her boobs done the day before. Long story short I listened to the most bad ass rock I could think of drank a cask of wine and watched movies that people got fired in and they still survived. While I am writing this peice I must not for get about my friends, Mattie who has been patient with me and knew the way to my heart PIZZA!!! and my mum but that goes without saying. So just as I thought my life was over and I was going to be homeless I got a payout :) then a guy from work took me to his cabin for Friday night and he likes me and he wouldn't even screw me because (get this) He likes me to much!! Weird. Now the conclusion to this story is I got another job, though I don't start for a couple of weeks and Jay rang me told me he is going to come to Aus next year to study to be with me and I am happy. For the first time in a long time I am truly happy. I don't know what it is but I am blessed, I must have an angel by my side, every thing in my life works out, it always does and I have a feeling it always will. So no more moppy Clare only happy Clare.

And you thought your work sucked
Now Playing: Another one bites the dust
Ok I was going to write a heart wrenching entry about how the one person I love doesn't love me or think about me or even care that I am alive. Or how this weekend was a blury mess of me watching my self blubbering, drunk and listening to Foo Fighters "the Best of you" while I hack at my hair in hopes to forget who I am and the way I felt. I was even going to write that I called Jay and it was not what I stayed up on Friday night fantising about. How perfect it was going to be oh no today needs the attention of the class please...


Holy shit the shit has hit the fan. Dodgy deals done by the sales guys well every thing has gone hay wire my boss and his mingion lets call him the funny looking one any way I got screamed at cause the way I have been doing my job (and the way that I was taught) is apparently wrong, wrong wrong. Then I have the funny looking one trying to teach me how to use excel and all I can hear is Blah Blah Blah Big word blah blah blah. Seriosly he thinks if he uses big words he is looks better or something. Not only that I was trying to explain a point to him and he put his hand in my face to quite me as his phone rang. Well exscuse me. I feel after today that I have been mentaly raped. I can't think clearly my vision is foggy and my poor little brain is going one hundred miles per hour. Not only that I am sick of being nobody I want to be famous I want to be adored could I really do that ??? I'm not sure. I know with my nine to five hours that I do at the mo it is impossiable. But mabey next year when I'm at uni I mean what is a day of uni?? who knows I think I'm going to start doing what I want to do. Or mabey I'm just saying that and I will never really do what I want to do

My life my way
Now Playing: Ballad of Maxwell Demons (a song from the velvet Goldmine Soundtrack)
This entry is going to be very full on as I am coming down like a bitch, during the longweekend every single night I was on something Base,Whiz or pot. So to day I want to kill my self and my attention span is......

So lets start at the beggining,

Friday night...

so the mode is set I look hot and I'm horney I going on a date with a guy calld Justin who I know is a sure thing we went to le panic in the cross (hot bar) so were all pretty fucked up at this stage I had already ralphed once. Well I saw A guy that I work with he's cute but not my type, he's to sure of him self and to mature. Any way we ended up getting him a pill and it was all sweet till he kept feeling my ass and yes we snogged. But I wanted to go home with Justin. before I left Andrew told me he had always liked me.

So I slept with Justin who doesn't like me and I don't like him, same thing happended on Sunday night.

I'm so dissapointed in my self I'm self distructing. No more randoms no more making my self feel like shit cause I am such a whore. It's only because I hate my self so much that I do it to my self. No more. I'm not going out as much and if I do I will be going out with my sensiable friends :( I mean I had unprotected sex he didn't cum tho cause he could bearly get it up.

Then this morning I got a email from Jay telling me he loves me to and he always has. 2 weeks ago that would of ment the world to me but now, it just doesn't fill the whole in my heart. I know it will never work. At the moment I am shit.

Some Crazy Shit
Mood:  energetic
Now Playing: Delta 'Fucking' Goodrem
Hmmm my poor neglected bloag... I just haven't been bothered to write in it (plus my life was kinda boring last week) Well lets start from the beggining (cue in fading background.)

Last Friday night I went to a very posh resturant with Kayla her boyfriend Mr Serious and his friends Mr fuckable with a boyfriend, Mr I'm rich so I think I am the best but it still can't change the fact I am butt ugly and Mr indian (sorry but I just don't go there.) any way the menu wasn't readable so I ordered the veal and it was acctually amazing!! any way by the end of the night we were all pretty trashed and all I wanted was to get out of the resturant. So we all decided to go to YU (except Kayla and Mr Serious.) a club that is really trendy and you can't be ugly, so of course I really didn't want to go, but I reasoned with my self I had on my new Sass and Bide and I looked cute so I thought fuck it why not. 20 Dollar entry fee later we were in and my feet were allready killing me, the club mainly consisted of drug taking freaks and the other 3 of us in the club, so 4 hours and a lot of bliters later I had gotten to know Mr cute but boyfriend was in to me and his 'girlfriend' was in Sweden, so I was pulling the moves being cute and flirty. after a while at about 4.00am the losers had left and it was just me and Mr cutie so we went to another club where he started to dance with me then I went to the tolite, to my surprise he was dancing with a really ugly blonde girl, with his back towards me so I thought fuck this the bunch of you disgusting men can die and go to hell for all I care. So I left (I finished my drink of course.) I think the thing that I was most upset about was the fact that he had a girlfriend in Sweden and I realised Jay and I could never work because long term relationships aren't relationships they are just 2 people who aren't willing to move on!! How can you have a relationship with out sex or even hugs, how could you have a relationship without the other person not being there when you are having a bad day. I don't know, I don't know how I thought any of Jay and I could work I mean he hasn't even returned my email, if he can't return an email then what else can I not depend on him for. We both have different lives, and I think for the first time sence he left I have taken of the rose coloured glasses and am looking at life for what it really is. Not all this missing a person who is obviosly fickle, but just living life as it comes. I spoke to Bradley yestoday and he thought that it was bloag worthy to write in here that I got really smashed at a work lunch and then had to have a meeting with my director. I had 1/2 a bottle of wine and 4 vodkas and squash. Wow I was a wreak but I am glad to say that I held my self together sought of ok. I mean I didn't get fired right ???

Whats up!!!
Mood:  a-ok
Now Playing: George Michael
YO YO YO. Man I swear I am an insomniac I am having so much trouble sleeping latley and I think late night TV is going to kill me. This weekend was a blur of 2 much alcohole and 2 much dancing at least tho I worked of some of the fat :)