I'm bored so I conned myself to do another one. I've cried last night. It hurt worse than the first time I meant to cry. I didn't know why I was crying, okay? I seriously didn't know. I cried endlessly until about 11 30. Then I started back up again. It hurt. Call me a baby but it hurt. It hurt to see him caresses with another soul who doesn't deserve to be there. Little harsh?
The darkened path I've yet to know is so far away. Goes away to dream...leaves me behind. I hate it, O dear sweet Lord, take me now! I hate it! This pain and agony reaches me so deep inside I feel nothing and I fall to the floor upon my knees wishing for something that was never there! Oh God, look what I've done? I hurt. I hurt...I hurt. I thought letting it out made it go away. So I'm going to tell you what exactly I feel. I know, impossible after all I've said right? Yeah...Right.
I'm weary why the hell I still am living. I think of a song or two. "I can't take this any longer. I can't feel take this anymore. I'm not getting any stronger. I don't know how to feel this anymore..." Oh, Isaac, I don't. I don't know how I can do this. I'm so used to you being mine and not. Why am I crying right now? Oh God, I'm such a baby. STOP CRYING! I'm facing this 17 inch monitor not very capable of my abilities of such things other than loving him.
I want to stop seeing him in this light. I'm pulling back. Now I'm asking myself why. I PROMISED MYSELF I WOULD NEVER ASK WHY! ....Ugh...Look at that, I'm yelling at the fucking computer. Now ask me how mature I am. Can anyone else answer these questions? From years past they are the same but said differently. I've told no one from the beginning and this is the punishment I get. I can't tell anyone why I'm crying cause I didn't tell them why I care. Why do I care? I'm so hurt. Why can't I be happy? MMMBop never sounded so cold in my entire life.
I know, I know, Isaac's life should NEVER be combined with the life of Hanson. I am a fan of Hanson and I probably always will be. But do I have to look at him? Do I have to cry every single day again? He made me stop, that smile made me stop. I thought that smile could cure anything. Why can't it now? Why can't I look at his face and suddenly feel better like I did when I first every saw him on TV a couple years back. I have nothing to fall back on. I'm broken.
I'm numb. When I lie down in my bed I bring myself back to the first death of my sister. I was so depressed. I thought I'd never go back. That face never let me go back. Now why? He means nothing. GOD, Why do I have to say that?! I don't want to! I don't want to stop! I don't want him to leave! But he's so far gone he's never coming back.
I have no one to blame but myself. I'm so angry I just...I want to cry forever. I don't want to hurt anymore. I refuse to hurt anymore. One more pain in this soul that was existent only in this man's life...I'm gone. I can't take this. Why can't anyone see this? I really care for him. I really care for Isaac...My hands shake and my eyes shed tears. My ears listen to this man...It hurts. I can't describe my pain. And I don't want to love him anymore. It hurts worse than before. I was so stupid when I was 10. Now I'm even more stupid to still love him.
My aching soul retains his smile and greatness. The wonderful shine of his soul and mind that I've always loved still stands. That great expectancy of him being mine hurts so bad and was supposed to be combined with the others. Why can't I love him, God? Why? If I can't love him I'm not happy. I'm not happy, God. If I'm not happy I want to stop. I want to stop. Stop.
So, what does this mean? Obviously I'm not with him and I can't be. What does this all mean? I'm totally fucked for life, is that it? That's why I'm done. What does all this mean? I'm screaming so loud it hurts to live. It hurts to live. I can't say I never wanted to love him. But four years is all I get? FOUR YEARS EXACTLY is all I get? I don't want to live.
So who do I look at anymore? Where do I go? Who is there? Even though Isaac wasn't REALLY there he was. He was where I needed him. But I didn't know he was going to hurt me. What am I supposed to do? Do I still love this man? But it hurts because I know! It hurts so bad! I'm so afraid. I'm so Godly afraid I don't know what to do.
In a situation like this I'd turn to him. What do I do now? I've lived so long with him there I was never prepared for him to leave. I thought he'd have to die first. So, tell me, is it me or him who will never know?
Kind of awkward because when my best friend found out someone she loved for three years had a soul to caress she went on to another guy. Both are so far away and I want to follow in her foot steps. I mean, I'm crying for him, that has to mean something, right? Isaac's not there. He's so out of touch, I am so hurt. I hurt so bad. But I can't move to Taylor or Zac, can I? I refuse to. I mean. I want to be happy and if that worked I want to do that but it's Isaac. All Isaac. I love this man. But I cry again...God, I'm crying. Why? He's gone, can't I move on so easily to another brother? Can't I just cry once and not hurt?
I can compare this hurt to one thing only. My sisters dying. Both of them. Here's a quote from my journal in Feb. 23rd 2000: "I really don't mind what will happen. For some reason I wanted to be dead. I knew I would be away from Isaac and all my friends. So, I guess...I wanted torture. Funny thing is, to tell you the truth, no matter how hurt I am, how many stings bounce onto me...even thinking of my two passed away sisters...Loving Isaac hurts more than any of that."