02-06-2005

~Since you've been gone...~

I was thinking about updating the other day. What would I say??? What could I say? What's been going on with me? And the first thing that comes to mind is how I started my new year. I know it's February and all. A little late to recap huh? But it's been awhile and I think it's about time to open up again. That's my theme for the new year. I don't make resolutions anymore. Mainly because I know I won't meet any of those crazy goals I set for myself. So the theme is opening up and experiencing life from a new perspective. So what did I do? I stopped speaking to Ryan. At first it wasn't by choice. He's become somewhat of a distant creature. That was our relationship for the last several months. He had his life seperate from mine and we spent time when I had the time and he was willing to leave the oasis of Jeff's homestead. Rare. Come to find out during our last little tiff that he'd been telling his friends that I was starting fights for no reason. Pretty much making me out to be some kind of a terrible person. When all I wanted was a normal relationship. The fights...yes there were fights. And they could have been resolved but he was unwilling. He was lost in some world I can't understand and never want to. So finally realizing that I had been wasting my breath, we had it out and came to the conclusion that neither of us knew why we were with the other in the first place. He'd been living with a girl that he "cheated" on me with. Not technically but it hurt just the same. He'd been lying to me and still wouldn't admit it. I know that not only had he been carrying on a realationship with the girl at Jeff's, he's been carrying on a long distance relationship with his X girlfriend in Maine. He was so upset that I could accuse him of such a thing. He seemed so hurt. Boy could he play the victim. But when it all boiled down, I was the one who let him come back after he lied the first time. So I blame only me. After we stopped speaking, he continued his relationship with Erin. Now he's planning to move back East to be with his X. I saw it coming. There are no surprises here. It's funny though. That I knew it all along. I hate being right dammit. We haven't spoken in weeks. The last conversation was 2 seconds. Long enough for me to let him know that his dad was looking for him. You know, I used to say that the worst thing about us breaking up was this or it was that but I finally figured it out. The worst part is that his family was great. And they really liked me. Still do. It sucks when I answer my phone and it's his dad telling me that he's sorry and that I'm always welcome no matter what. It's not everyday that you fall in love with your boyfriends family. But there will be others. And besides that, Ryan was really starting to look like a fucking hobo. "Don't call me a fucking hobo. You fucking retard!!!" I'm glad I can laugh about it now. But it's true. Someone can seem so attractive at first but once they've hurt you, you can look at them and see the truth. That's how I see it. I finally saw the truth in Ryan. And it was ugly. Don't get me wrong. Just as Tim and others before Ryan, I still remember how wonderful it was before things went sour. And I will love them always. I've said it before. I was forgiving up to the end because I was okay with my decisions. I just hope Ryan is happy with his.

~You had the chance you blew it. Outta sight outta mind...~

The last few weeks have been spent cleaning up the messes that were left in his wake. My own personal mess. Broken heart-so tragic. I asked TJ to be my Valentine. All the way from California. When he got my letter, he called...woke my ass up (we still haven't got that whole time difference under control) just to tell me that he missed me. That's the best Valentine so far. I've been fixing the home life. Living with Nicole has been so much easier now that Ryan's gone. Hate to say it but it's the truth. Finding that a lot of things are easier without Ryan. I no longer feel guilty for hanging out with James or talking to Kyle. I come and go as I please. Last weekend, our neighbor stopped by and gave us a good idea. He mentioned the fact that we're two single attractive women who should be out there. Said something about all of us going dancing sometime. What better time than the present?! So we made some bad last minute plans to take a trip to Findlay. Long story short: it didn't happen quite the way we planned. There was a situation with a ring down the sink drain. Not so much of a situation if the trap hadn't been corroded shut. Nicole ended up blinding me with her mad skills. She fished the mother fucker out with a hair pin tied to a piece of mint waxed dental floss. We were so excited that we had to celebrate. Somehow between screams of joy and "YES I WANT 500 DOLLA!!!" we decided to go to some bar in Delphos which didn't happen either. Well, we went, it sucked, we left. Had a snowball fight with James and Krock...drank too much at Harry's. Played a few games of pool which got progressively worse as the pitchers of Bud Light began to disappear. Eventually the entire night disappeared because I got so ridiculously hammered that I puked in not only the kitchen sink but the bathroom sink as well. Another neighbor stopped by and attempted to run off with all of the junk food in the house. We took Jimmy home (a car ride long forgotten) Nicole passed out, Krock passed out, and I was the last one standing...not so much standing. It was more like, I was the last one left before I passed out and left our neighbor to get away with a half a bag of Nestle Tollhouse chocolate chips. This would be the third time that I've passed out completely obliterated and woke up in the spoon position with someone. I'm a repeat offender. What can I say? Yup. Last Sunday was pretty much a blur. I got up, had some pancakes. Took a shower and drove to my mothers house with a hangover. (sunglasses and all) Slept on the couch over here until 5 or 6 that night. This weekend was much more low key. Bored at the house, we think up some odd remedies. Last night was recon 101. Now I can't really tell you the whole story or I'd have to kill you. (the same thing we informed Clyde) Let's just say it involved some insane pink eyeshadow, a trip to Meijer, and a bottle of Newman's Own. Got the call from Clyde while we were dropping the evidence and ended up at a kegger. Needless to say, I drove Nicole's drunk ass home this time. That's what friends are for. I would have done something bad if I'd been drinking last night. So it's for the best.

~Where do you run when you're scared of yourself?~

I'm on a mission. Or at least I have been for awhile now. I know how I am. And all of these situations I keep getting involved in are useless. Because just as I've always been, I get my sights locked on one person in particular and either end up with them or end up completely crushed. I have a crush. Am I in middle school? What is this? There's just something so innocent and foolish and silly all at the same time about falling for someone from a distance. This time, it's the "delivery guy". Which isn't a code name that I've given him. It's what he is and I use that term because I have no idea what his actual name is. We've been playing this little game where we catch the other staring and then make eye contact. Now that's a serious turn on. And when we cross paths, there's bits of conversation. It's funny. Because for a moment I thought I was imagining the entire senerio until the other day when I was running late. I know his schedule. I know the days of the week when he delivers. Sad...and I didn't think he was paying as much attention as I was until I pulled up and got out of my Jeep. He says to me, "You're late!" Okay, okay I was about 15 minutes behind. But since when did he know when I show up for work every morning. I said, "I'm late?!?" and he laughed. He says, "ya. You usually pull in at 8:30." AHA! Caught in the act. So I blamed it on the train that held me up and the fact that I had to stop and get some cigarettes. You see, it's these silly little insignificant things. I caught him watching me vacuum one morning. Too obviously walking backward to his truck when I look up and he's leaned to one side so he could see past the sign in the window. I started to laugh. Hilarious, he turned around and shook his head. So regretfully, all of these weekends out have had no benefit to my single status. It's the delivery guy who I'm holding out for. He's just too damn cute in those navy blue dickies and with all that bending over...I can't help but to stare.

"For this is wisdom-to love and love, to take what fate or the gods may give, to ask no question, to make no prayer, to kiss the lips and caress the hair. Speed passions ebb as we greet its flow, to and to hold, and in time-let go."

So Valentine's 2005 is pretty much over for me. Last year, I was quasi single when the jewelry store was having its holiday sale. I bought myself a new right hand ring. That was a few short days before Ryan and I got together. This year, I went to the sale with a purpose. Starting off the new year with some new jewelry is always nice. And I'm way too broke to be blowing money but hey if all you have is a dime in your pocket, get your shoes shined. That theory sounds nice. Mine is more like, if all you have is a wallet full of credit cards...you get the idea. This year, I went all out and purchased a new necklace. I love the fact that all of the jewelry that I wear was picked out and paid for by me. (or will eventually be paid for by me...hee hee) I'm a little too proud of it. But I suppose that I only have one finger to eventually don a wedding ring. The rest are up to me. So yes, I have a lovely new diamond encrusted cross necklace. I was going to go for the BIG one. But Nicole told me it looked like it belonged in a Ludacris video. So I went for the midsize. The girl at the store left my rings in the cleaner too long and 3 stones fell out of last years Valentine gift to myself. They're replacing it but...I see it as a sign. I'm not going to elaborate on that one.

~Good day sunlight. I'd like to say how truly bright you are. You don't know me but you're my favorite star.~

RECAP: Thought things were bad. Drank too much and realized once again that I don't need to rely on alcohol/other mind numbing substances to make myself feel better (a hangover is NOT better) when I can buy expensive jewelry. Came to my senses. This will be the last overspend (at least until I need more shop therapy). I'm taking things with a grain of salt right now. Living well, working hard and playing harder. Decided to nix New Years Resolutions instead, I'll just take things as they come. I'll go out and have fun when I feel the mood is right. I'll sit at home and read or do laundry or watch television when I'd rather have down time. I will go out without a belt. I'll hang out at my mom's house with my brothers and laugh like an asshole if I so desire. I will check out the delivery guy every Monday, Tuesday, Thursday and Friday morning (hahaha) as I please. I will randomly wake up fully clothed in the spoon position when it happens and accept it for what it is. (It's only a one night spoon people!) These are the days of our lives. You're only 22b once in life. okay, I'm 23! DAMMIT! I am Laura and I'm 23 and I'm not an alcoholic but I aspire to be one someday. I like CSI. I have strange friends. I have an eye that likes to look the other way sometimes but you wouldn't notice unless it was pointed out to you. My stomach makes weird noises when I drink too many carbonated beverages. I have a good job and work hard to pay my bills and I'm proud of that. I eat odd combinations of food late at night. I'm no Britney but I'm not too tough on the eyes. All in all, I have a good heart. It's not made of gold but I helped an old lady out of a snow drift when she fell in front of my store. I can be a bitch. I can have bad days. I'm entitled. I am a woman. Now that I'm done ranting. I think I'll read up on Jason's prophesies, finish filing my taxes and watch the superbowl with my dad.

"I've been sleeping on the couch more this week. I deem it the most appropriate should you ever have to sleep alone, unless you have one of those single beds and still use star wars or little mermaid sheets." ~Mraz

Random Thoughts From Jason:

"I was also faced with an interesting question in last night’s dreamscape. Why is it when you fart, your parents will say to excuse yourself to the bathroom? Wouldn’t a chat room be a better place to let one go? The room could be full but no one will hear it or smell it.
This is a breakthrough

I have heard that flossing is good for the heart, something about the nerve stimulation and circulation that occurs. But I’ve been jumping rope more often and I have a t-shirt that proves that that is also good the heart so I’m doing all right.

The New Year’s celebration always makes me optimistic of the future. This year I made no rational resolutions whatsoever. Sure I made promises to myself and set goals but I do that every night. Resolutions are meant to be broken you know? So this year I vowed to do more things that are harmful and crass, that way I can have fun with the idea during the holiday egress, but come to my senses and have not the dirty habits last. I also commit to only speak in iambic pentameter.

Did you know they make doormats for all occasions? Such Doormat Varieties include:

-Kitties playing with yarn! An Adorable picture of the fuzzy creatures smiling and tumbling and tangled in string just begging for you to crush them with your muddy feet. This is a bad idea.

-Individual Astrological signs! Feeling Crabby because of the rain? Display your cancer sign for guests to let them know you’re a homebody at heart and would rather be alone. Or if you’re a Scorpio, your guest will not only take off their shoes, but most likely their clothes too and then entertain themselves as they clean your oven.

-Birds and/or flowers. Not a good choice. It’s the same as kitties. I don’t want things meant for the air to be two dimensional and under my soiled shoes. What if you had poo on your shoe and then someone came along to smell the flowers?

I love indie rock. I like music where you feel special when you listen to it, like you’re the only one who has a copy.

I now own a dishwasher for all eight plates that my cabinets contain but you don’t see me sleeping in the kitchen. I guess it’s because I spend so much time shoveling dirty dishes into it that I’m bored already. After every meal it’s important to get the dishes clean so that they’re ready for the next food consumption ceremony. Being a bit of a conservationist I feel it’s also important to FILL the dishwasher. Washing only eight plates, bowls and glasses seems wasteful but who has time to slave over a sink of soapy water? I find there’s always a hat that needs to be washed with the dishes, as well as some lost and found cups of tea from the night before. I’ve even washed some empty spaghettios cans that I thought I’d use for something, but ended up just recycling them anyway. At least the aluminum company will be pleased with how sanitized they are. Last night I figured our bong could use a bath so that went in as well. It still smelled like a bong in the morning and so did the rest of the table setting. The thin invisible layer of resin did make lunch extra delicious however.

I wish I had a better memory when it came to when the last time I had a Krispy Kreme doughnut was. I swear it was this morning when I last had one but sources say it was only twenty minutes ago that I consumed two. The evidence is clear that the same amount are missing from the half-dozen. I’m not sure what this means, but all the detective work and muscle strain on the memory glands are really working up an appetite. I think I’ll have a doughnut."

For more interesting bits (if you're bored) take a blast to the past and entertain yourself with some really old posts THIS DAY IN THE YEAR 2000 and 2001. I read them. Let me tell ya, I never realized how stupid I sound.
THIS DAY 2000
THIS DAY 2001

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