This journal is almost a year old now, and I admit that sometimes I plop in front of the keyboard and feel uninspired. Worse, I realize that some days there are just no new thoughts in my head, just recycled ones that I've already analyzed and beaten to death. Some days I'm numb, some days I'm just not in the mood to generate a new idea. That's what excites me about this new web ring. It's fuel for my fire, so to speak.
Of course now I get to deal with waiting, which is always a problem for me, and then comes the privelege of either acceptance or rejection. I don't fear rejection, exactly, but I don't really like it all that well. My journal, at least, isn't a matter of pride. I do it for myself, and share it because I like the feeling of not being alone with my thoughts. I also feel that writing in a book that I hid in my bedside stand was nice, however I'm much more expressive and thoughtful when I am communicating with other people. So I guess I'm really not too worried about it, and won't really freak out if they turn me down. I can still use their collaborative topic ideas if I want to, and happily plug away as I have been. Of course if they accept me, it would be a nice new challenge, and those always excite me.
I am so happy to be in love. A simple evening at home has never felt as wonderful as it did last night. Forest and I made dinner, cleaned up our house, and played with Leeloo. We snuggled on the couch in front of a movie, and then danced in our living room, holding each other close. I feel so at home with him, and so real. It's not just that I love him, and he loves me. He makes me possible. All the little impossible things about me either melt away or make perfect sense in his presence. Things just slip into place.
There is a new challenge coming up, though, that I am bracing myself against. Forest and I agreed a while ago that after a few months of gathering information, we would sit down and go over all the household bills together, so that we could take turns getting them all paid, and I wouldn't have to do it all the time. In a way, it's very considerate of him to offer to pitch in. He thinks I hate paying the bills, which is partially true. I dread it every month, because I'm afraid I'll mess something up, and it will be the end of the world.
I'm just a little leery of showing Forest my books. He gets the impression that I'm very organized, thorough, and together on this stuff. In fact, I think my system of paying the bills is probably cryptic to most people, but it makes sense to me. All the bills go in the binder. Every time I get paid I go through the binder and pay whatever is coming due. I mark it "paid in full" and put the check number on it. It's not complicated, and has worked for me for about a year.
I'm somewhat afraid that Forest, being far more mathematically-minded than I am, and being the type of person who carefully schedules such things, might think my system is stupid. He would never say such a thing or belittle me in any way, but if there's one thing I'm insecure about, it's my ability to handle money well. I know that I'm bad at it.
I'm being driven to distraction by the cubicle world today. I'm used to listening to other people's phone conversations, however today Jane (across the wall) is calling the parents and physicians of deceased children to review the circumstances of the kids' deaths. It's terribly depressing to hear. I'm sure Jane doesn't enjoy making those calls, either, and I sympathize with her. It has nothing to do with my job, however, and only serves to depress me.
To top it off, Jane's music doesn't usually offend me, but today she is listening to the same three Sarah McLachlan songs, on repeat. It's been two hours of "I Will Remember You" "Adia" and "Angels". Don't get me wrong, I love Sarah's music. This is just getting to be a bit much.
Kirstin called this morning to inform me that she got a perfect score on her latest spelling test! I'm so pleased. She spelled the word "respiratory" for crying out loud. I think for a third grader that's excellent. It's her first perfect grade on a test all year, and she's practically bubbling with joy. I must agree with her. This year has been such a battle for her, it's good to see her step up and succeed.
I can't wait for Tae Kwon Do tonight. I plan to work on forms nonstop all night, with only a little break to spar for a while. I have this great new sparring partner named Elizabeth, who is wonderful because she has a perpetual smile. She obviously enjoys what we're doing, and is a very good sport about it. I've been in martial arts long enough to know that it's hard to find someone like that.
I need some distraction, ooooh beautiful release...
My god. I think I'm going to go smash my co-worker's radio.
