No, I will keep a level head. Where did I go nuts? Pardon me while I use my journal to sort some of this out.
Well, I bought a series of three Christmas tree stands, the last one an industrial-strength quarter-inch steel "holds a 12-foot-tree" mother-of-all-stands sort of thing that cost $50. It was worth it, though, since we were able to take most of the riggings off, and the tree is still standing.
So while I was at the hardware store buying the amazing contraption, I saw the perfect present for Sam, and even though it was a little over budget (double) I got it anyway, because he HAD to have it. Then I spotted one my mom needed to have, too, which was only about a quarter more than I planned to spend. What a deal, and it's such an inventive gift, no one will have thought to give her such a thing before. Voila! Two of my hardest people were off my list.
Then there's Forest. I keep rationalizing a little extra this and that because "he would need to buy this anyway, someday". I don't know if he reads this, so I won't detail everything... but I'm pretty sure I've gone a bit over what I was supposed to do, and I still have a list of a thousand things I want to buy for him. I'm going to have to use real self-discipline to keep from getting really obscene with the gift-giving here. I already realized that I went a little extra, because I ordered some things for him over the Internet a couple of months ago, and sort of forgot about them until they arrived. Oops. Well, I'll just draw the line here, and concentrate on stocking stuffers.
Kirstin is also a problem. I ordered her dollhouse in mid-November to be sure it would arrive in plenty of time to assemble. Realistically I had planned to get her one big gift, and lots of little inexpensive ones that would be fun to open. Now I realize that she's grown so much I will have to get her a bunch of pajamas, some jeans, some shirts, and some age-appropriate toys, not to mention some things to go *in* the dollhouse. So much for having a budget.
At least I have been somewhat responsible about gifts for Forest's family. I've got his mom, dad, and sister taken care of without going too far overboard. Kirstin has also bought gifts for her brother, Alex, Leeloo, Seth, LB, KC (family pets and kid friends) and me within a reasonable price range.
Oh, yeah, and I also had three times the house to decorate than I had previously. I bought lights, and some ornaments, and a wreath for the front porch.
And the vacuum cleaner broke, so I had to replace it.
That's about it, I guess. I still want to get gifts for my dad and stepmom, my sisters, brother-in-law and step-brother, Forest's brother, grandma Ruth, Bill & Kathy, and whoever will be at my mom's on Christmas Day. So I will *stop* buying things for Forest except stocking stuffers, get Kirstin some clothes, and then get down to business with everyone else.
Other than feeling a bit out of control of my finances, I have been relatively sane since I wrote last, honest. Having Forest around has really made me think about going back to school, though. He still has that wonderful desire to *learn* things. He wants to teach, for ten or twenty years, and then he wants to go back and get a law degree, just because it fascinates him. It reminds me of why I wanted to go to college in the first place. I was originally like Forest, I wanted to learn. That was before it became a needless crusade to prove to everyone that I could do it despite what they thought. Then I lost sight of trying to prove everyone wrong, and was hacking my way through college because I was desperate and didn't feel qualified to do anything else, and it was a horrible feeling. Then I started to fail college because I would have to skip class to work so we could eat. My car would die so I couldn't work for a week, and then I would have to sell all my textbooks to pay the rent. One year I got sick and had to spend most of my financial aid on medical bills, and still missed an exam because I was too ill to make the hike across campus. It was disastrous. My grades from those times are awful, and some semesters reflect that I was so broke that I slept through exams after working 20 straight hours immediately beforehand, or didn't study for them, because I was pulling an overnight shift instead. I cut things out of my syllabuses because I knew I didn't have the time for them. I also didn't control my life in any way. I didn't have any organization skills, and was trying to simultaneously run a household, raise a baby, work full-time and go to college, and failing an inch at a time at each one.
Before all of the chaos began, before I even graduated from high school, and before I became a teenage parent and dashed all my plans to the ground, I really wanted to learn things. Since I was a kid I wanted to go to MSU because there are so many possibilities there. They have a program for *everything*, and if they don't offer it, they will let you invent your own degree. I was thrilled by the endless rows of books in the library, the dazzling number of languages spoken in the hallways, the sheer quantity of people whose job it would be to pass along new information to my naive, starving mind. That's why I started right out majoring in sciences. I felt like I had a pretty firm grounding in the arts and humanities, and I wanted to learn something completely new and different, because it challenged me.
That was when I was 16 years old. Now it's 10 years later, and I'm a different person. I'm financially stable for the first time in a decade. I have a career, and Kirstin has survived to be 8 years old. Next year she may just be old enough to stay home without a babysitter. I'm through the roughest times, if I am sick or injured I have health insurance. I have reliable transportation. I pay my bills on time, and am organized enough to keep my house in order and myself fed. I've been doing things I love to do again, in the theatre, and in martial arts. I'm starting to feel like I'm back to who I was in the first place.
And now, in the back of my head is this psychotic little niggling voice that wants to pile up a bunch of 4.0 grades and do some of the things I always wanted to do. Like succeed in college, and go to grad school. I've seriously been thinking of buckling down and trying to get into medical school. I know, it's completely insane. I've also been considering two Master's programs, one a physician assistant and one a physical therapist. I would enjoy both... but I think I'm really interested in family practice with an emphasis in sports medicine. If I were to follow my heart I'd do it. I'd study my butt off, and one by one replace my failing grades with great ones. I'd admit I needed help with Chemistry this time, and get it. I'd even re-take a few classes I was awesome in, just as a refresher, so that I'd kick ass on the MCAT and could apply all over the place for med school.
Of course I can't just run off and do that. I support myself now, financially and emotionally. I have a home and I know how important it is to me to have a stable home life, and to have the people that I love behind what I'm doing. I've got a full-time career that I need to keep because I enjoy it and because it feeds me steadily. I know that I couldn't be successful in school if the rest of my life were falling apart.
The best I can do is to go back a little at a time. It used to be that when I wanted something, I would stand up and wrestle the world to its knees to get it, because that was the only way I knew how to succeed. My mom described it as "grabbing the world by the horns and getting my own way". I decided I wanted to be financially stable, so I chose a deadline for myself, and if I didn't make my own living by then, I was going in the military. I wanted a reliable car, so I got one, even though I had to pay a lot more than anyone should to finance it. Same with my house.
This time, though, it's baby steps. I'll change my major a little bit so that it better suits my current interests and goals. I'll firmly set my vision on the future. I'll apply the things I have learned about being organized and managing my workload. I won't be in a rush to get undergrad work out of the way, I'll sink my feet into it and get a really good few semesters in.
If things go the way it looks like they will, Forest and I will both be undergrads at the same time, and he says that if we're still making each other happy in a few years when we both graduate, he'd be glad to support me financially while I took an early retirement from work and went to grad school full-time. I hope he and I last that long, because that would essentially open the door for me. A chance to go to school without working at all! They say medical school students should be prepared to spend 50 hours a week on school, minimum, and shouldn't have a part-time job. This was a deterring factor in the past. But just think! A chance to go to school with nothing on my mind but my education and home life. I could actually compete with the other students!
Would I be happy as a doctor? You never know. I might spend years and thousands of dollars only to discover that I prefer to go back to my career as it is now, or something similar. My gut inclination, though, is to say that I would love it. It would challenge me daily, and require me to think, like my current job. It would utilize my diagnostic and problem-solving skills, and allow me to work with new technologies as I saw fit. It would be one step better than my current job, though, because I would be working with people again. I love to work with people. It's what I'm really good at; talking, communicating, and being with people. I also know I could be compassionate, empathic, kind, and competent at the same time, which might mean that not only would I enjoy practicing medicine, but people might just appreciate what I was doing, too.
Baby steps. I won't make emotional choices this time, I will be rational about it, something I have learned and relearned in martial arts, and begun to apply to my life. I'll start out by calling my academic advisor and getting myself back in as an undergrad. I haven't been in school in over a year, and I suppose I will have to dust off the old files and make a plan for how to complete my degree. Maybe I'll go back next fall, part-time. I'm allowed 5 hours a week off work for school: I think I'll see if I can make it count.
If you think I'm a raving lunatic, speak now or forever hold your peace. Otherwise I suppose I'll take it as a consensus from the masses that I'm still sane, and am just once again starting on a new path.
