We were having a very nice time ignoring the movie, and then I konked out. I woke up for a second when Forest was half-carrying me to bed, and vaguely remember trying to protest, but then the next thing I remember he had taken off my shoes and was tucking me in bed. He's really worried about me, and I can't say I blame him. He says he tucked me in at 10, and I had already been asleep for nearly an hour at that point. This morning it took him a half hour to wake me at 8, and after all that sleep, I'm still feeling like I should crawl back in bed for another several hours. It's so pathetic!
I'm such a fun girlfriend, don't you think?
Poor Forest is determined to spend extra time with me today to make up for the time we missed last night, so he's going to pick me up for lunch. I'm glad, but I have a nagging notion in the back of my head that I can just put my head on his chest and sleep through lunch instead. This is awful!
I've been thinking a lot lately about children. I think women of my age are just built that way. We see babies, and we want one. Or twenty. It's that "biological clock" thing. Tick tick tick. Of course, barring expensive medical proceedings, I can't have more kids. I don't get that little niggling in the back of my mind that speaks of dreamy possibilities, and I certainly don't fantasize about being pregnant, or all the attention involved in that, because I know just how hellacious it can be. I'm also full of common sense. I enjoy the time that I get to myself very much. I like having freedom every other week when Kirstin is at her dad's. I have plans to retire in 10 years on Kirstin's high school graduation day (ideally at the age of 36) and sell my house and take off and see the world. I like to keep my house clean, and I haven't wiped drool or snot in years. That diaper stench is a distant memory, and no one has puked on me since 1993. I also bought a house that greedily sifts the money from my checking account, leaving me wondering just where the hell it all went. Babies cost a lot of money.
I guess part of what makes me think of it, though, is Forest. I'm dating a man who is 22 years old. He doesn't have any kids, and really has never given it any thought. He isn't scared away by Kirstin, which is a good thing, and genuinely seems to like to play with her, read to her, and help her with her homework. He mentioned the other day, though, after a long period of struggling with story problems, that he had really never pictured himself as a father, but that he was starting to give it a little thought.
These are interesting things to hear from someone I'm dating, I know. Don't freak out, though. He isn't suggesting anything, he just honestly tells me everything he feels and thinks.
It triggers my hypotheticals. I wonder what will happen if by chance in 5 years he and I are still together, and at age 27 he (very naturally) wants to know if I'll make a munchkin with him, and coughs up the huge chunk of change to make that happen. What will my answer be? At that point I'll be 31 and have a 13-year-old daughter. I'll either be 5 years away from my fantasy early retirement or some great distance along another career path. I may even have finally finished college. Forest will be teaching high school somewhere. I'll be considering selling my house in a couple of years and either building one or moving to a nice one in the country somewhere. Will I want to add another 13 years on to my family life? Will the appeal of little slobbery toothless grins win out over the desire to hike across Australia and scuba dive on the Great Barrier Reef and cruise the Nile and the Amazon?
I don't know. On purely emotional levels, all reason and common sense aside, I watch Forest with Leeloo, and with Kirstin, and I see his gentleness and kindness, and how much love he so easily gives, and I think it would be a crime if he didn't have the experience of raising a kid. So maybe if I'm not willing to do it, I should tell him so, and send him out to find someone who is. Bah.
In keeping with his and my relationship I've already told him I was thinking all of this, and what my feelings were on it. He kissed me sweetly and told me that if we were still together in that many years, we would make our decisions together, and that all we should worry about in the meantime is whether we love each other and make each other happy. He feels everything else will follow in due time. He says he can't imagine he'd be the kind of person who would throw away true love just to seek out new breeding grounds, and that if we weren't truly in love or happy together, we wouldn't still be together after 5 years.
Isn't that incredibly adorably sweet? I love him so much it hurts sometimes.
