Things in the personal life world are going well, I think. Jeff is out of town this week, although he sent me an email that seemed to make sense. I know he's hurt, and I can understand how he feels, and further I'm glad that he is making some progress working through things. I'm still hopeful that we can build a friendship, as soon as it's not too painful for him. I really *do* miss him, or at least the him that I knew so well.
I've been out a couple of times with Forest now, and that seems to be going well. We agree that we should take things slowly, for our own sanities, and to avoid driving Jeff nuts and worrying our friends and parents needlessly. (Of course everyone on *my* side decided to worry a long time ago, so there's probably nothing I can do about it, but hey, I will try.)
I spent last night talking to my mom. Apparently she was really worried, too, because Jeff had talked to her about his concern that I was leaping into a new relationship. It took me an hour to convince my mom that I wasn't rushing around unthinkingly.
Why does everyone assume I don't have a brain in my head? It gets really frustrating sometimes. I'm not stupid. I know what I'm doing, and I'm purposefully being careful. I'm even forcing myself to date more than one man, despite the fact that I'm not so comfortable with that idea, just so that I can prove to people that I'm not blindly rushing in.
I think people don't believe me, though, because I have a history of exaggeration, ommission, half-truths, and sometimes outright lies. I'm trying to leave all of that behind and be completely honest and straightforward, but I don't feel comfortable yet sharing all of my thoughts on things with everyone, because I don't want them to be judged.
Then again, I already feel like everyone thinks I'm stupid. I just said that in the last paragraph. I feel like people look down on me like a little kid, or a crazy person running around with no reason. I'm tired of people telling me I'm incompetent, or silly or stupid by inferrence.
Inferrence is caused by perception, though. It's not that people are saying "I think you are stupid"; I'm *hearing* "I think you are stupid". Inferrence.
What do I care what people think, anyway? Well I *do* care. It reflects badly on my munchkin and on the people that I love if people think I'm an emotional half-wit incapable of making the right choices. I don't want to be an embarassment to anyone, and I know I have been in the past. My parents were ashamed of me because I was a teenage parent, and I know it. It's hurtful, but they couldn't help it, I just completely flew in the face of everything they wanted for me. Their friends' kids didn't do stuff like that.
So then I set out to prove to them that I had changed, and that I could think for myself, but it was too late. I was on a path doomed to thousands of mistakes. My life was pretty screwed up, but I didn't want to admit it. I still have a hard time saying that. I prefer to think of it as a work in progress. Yes, I'm that much of an optimist.
Well I don't want anyone to have to be ashamed of me anymore. So I'm trying to play everything straight where it counts. I'm spending a lot of time with my mom and step-dad, making sure they know exactly where I stand. I'm telling them every little detail of my personal life, even though it makes me squirmy and uncomfortable. I even tell them all my feelings about Jeff and about Forest. I've introduced them to him, and they have spent a little time getting used to the idea that I'm dating again. So the cards are on the table.
I haven't taken the time to start doing this with my friends yet, but I think it is a little bit more important to me that Kirstin's grandparents are okay with things. Also, I'm not sure my friends are so interested in my side of all of this. They're busy, and have a lot going on in their own lives, and they are getting more than their share of what's supposedly happening in my life from Jeff. I know he has a lot of his own opinions, and don't want to constantly have to rebut things. I also have to admit that I still feel like my friends have sort of left me out to dry. I saw Shelly last week for coffee, and she hasn't been in contact much since. Maybe she's waiting for me to call her, I don't know. Bah. Give benefit of doubt. She's busy assistant directing Angel Street. It's okay. And Andy's Assistant Directing 12 Angry Men, so he's busy too. Yeffy's in school and working full time and trying to make Reagan happy.
It's nice to kind of put things in perspective. It's a lonely world right about now, and I sort of wish people had more time... but I've been in their shoes before, and I know they have wished the same of me in the past.
Oooh! I think I'm having lunch with Yeffy today. That would be great.
