It's been four days since I've had a minute to journal. While I could look at a calendar and name the locations and vocations that consumed my time, to my mind it's all a blur since Friday night. I feel a bit adrift for no particular reason; or possibly because I haven't sorted out a new pile of a thousand thoughts, and I haven't had the chance to really 'plug in' and chill out with Forest in a while. Both of these things are necessary for me to be truly anchored, stable, and together. I'm going to try to achieve both of them today, thus ensuring that my finances won't fall to ruin, I will show up at Taekwondo tonight and do a good job, I will finish a bunch of stuff stacked on my desk at work, and I will review my script before tomorrow night's read-through. I can accomplish all of these things because I'm going to get my head together right NOW.
Friday night the Dining Room opened. It was a very good show, I thought, but we had small crowds all weekend. We're up against a lot of other fun shows, and I just think we haven't been around long enough to gain a following. Right now it's mainly the actors' family and friends, a few staunch Bath folks, and the Lansing theatre community (not the audiences, the participants.) I went home feeling pretty good about things. My mom and Sam liked the show, and Kirstin was able to sit with them through the whole thing, which is nice, because she didn't have to be unsupervised. By the time she and I got home, it was pretty late, and Forest was looking tired as I felt. Still, we cooked up some popcorn and snugged up together on the couch to watch American Beauty. That is *such* a good movie. I hadn't seen it since it was in theatres, and I was impressed with the actors in it all over again. The performances are stunning. I was so impressed by Annette Benning's realtor, I'm afraid her character bled a little bit into one of my 'Dining Room' scenes, in which I'm a realtor trying to sell a house, and failing. In the back of my head, all I could hear was Annette's voice saying, "I will sell this house today, I will sell this house today" in a sort of psychotic mantra-like rhythm. Ordinarily this would have thrown off my concentration on the scene, but I've been getting a lot better at using things like that lately; I tuned that around and fed it into my character on Saturday night. I liked the result.
Saturday morning Forest, Kirstin and I went to breakfast with Forest's dad. It was nice, and I got home early enough in the day to take advantage of the beautiful, cool weather, and mowed our lawn. Thank heavens it's done. I got the back and sides done, but didn't get the front yard, as I was getting hay fever like mad, and wanted to have a voice and sinus cavity for the show last night. Id sucks whed I cad't bake the right soudds through by doze. You know?
Sam picked Kirstin up, and he and my mom unexpectedly kept her overnight, which was a pleasant suprise. It meant that Kirstin didn't have to sit through my show again, and she got to spend good time with her grandparents, too. They cooked out over a bonfire and listened to the MSU football game on the radio. It was such a beautiful night, I almost would rather have done that then act in my show. Almost.
I gathered Forest from the Store, and went to the show, and was once again pretty happy with how it turned out. To my mind I was sort of acting for an audience of one. I knew Forest was out there, and he'd never seen my acting before (except when we shared a stage, which doesn't count), so I wanted to put in an extra good showing. He made me feel good afterward by telling me he thought I did a really good job. Andy and Shelly also came to see the show that night, which was a nice suprise! I didn't think they would have time, since Andy's show (Proposals) goes up next weekend. Shelly looked great in this beautiful new dress (or maybe it was a separate shirt and skirt and jacket?) she had just bought, and I was at once envious. I never dress up to go out, and I should once in a while, darn it! I just don't have nice things like that to wear. One of these days I'll go shopping with the sole purpose of finding something that will look as hip, stylish, flattering and classy as Shelly's Saturday night dress.
I was also flattered on Saturday night by a friend I've acted with for the past 5 years or so. She said that my stagework has really improved, and that I as a person had blossomed in the past year. Those are really kind words, and I think she meant them sincerely. Don't worry, I won't let it go to my head, but I'll file it under 'warm fuzzies' for next time I need one.
After the show we were invited to Emil's with Andy and Shelly and the cast of Arsenic and Old Lace, but we had promised our waitress (who hasn't seen us in a month and we are regulars) that we'd come to Cory's. Retrospectively, I kind of wish we'd gone to Emil's, because it would have been fun to see Daryl and hang out with Andy and Shelly and all of those folks; but at the time we were tired, knew we could get quick service and a quiet atmosphere at Cory's. In fact, we watched the Olympics on the big TV and just relaxed while people swam their relays. Forest and I both love the idea of the Olympics; however it really sucks that the only events that NBC chooses to publicize are the ones in which the US will certainly get a gold medal, or gymnastics. I'd really like to see the taekwondo and judo competitions. I'm also interested in watching some of the really cool track and field things, like the pole vault; what a bunch of wackos. Still, watching swimming is pretty cool, and so is diving. Last night I even taped men's gymnastics, so we could watch that another day. I admit, gymnastics is interesting; it just bunches my britches that NBC would rather show reruns of events that have already been televised at 3 AM, instead of running events I really wanted to see - errr, videotape.
Sunday morning I saw Forest off to work early, and settled in to wait for Kirstin to get back from my mom's. I'm reading the first book in a really long series by Katherine Kerr, called Daggerspell, which is a lot of fun, and has me really excited, since there are about 9 books in line after it, all of them out in paperback! Kirstin got home and finished her homework just in time for Forest to call and invite us to pick him up.
It was a gorgeous day, sunny and 70 degrees with a slight breeze, and we thought it would be a perfect day to catch the Renaissance Festival. I was really looking forward to it, especially after Kirstin's reactions this year to Mackinac's attractions. It had been a while since Kirstin and Forest and I had any time together, and I thought it would be a nice afternoon.
I busted my butt to get us there as fast as possible, but we were unfortunately greeted by a line of cars waiting to get in the parking lot, backed all the way up to I-75. People were being jerks as always, racing ahead and cutting in the 5-mile long line, but we were patient and law-abiding, trying to be fair to everyone in line ahead of us. In the end, we got all the way to the front of the line, and though we could see empty spots in the lot, the police yelled at us and waved us past. Cars in front of me and behind me ignored the police and turned into the lot, passing the barrier and making a beeline for an open parking space. The police ignored them. People were parking along the highway and being ticketed by State troopers. There was a sign, however, which stated that we could park at Mt. Holly, which was about another mile down the road. Hopeful, we drove the extra mile, still at about 5 MPH stop and go bumper to bumper traffic. When we got there, that lot was full, too.
I was really steamed, and had half a mind to just charge through the police barricade, as I had seen other people doing it and going away unpunished. Instead, I pulled up to the officer waving people by, and politely asked if there was any other legal place to park. He shook his head, said it was all full, and waved us past.
So, to make a long story short, I had been in the car for nearly 4 hours on the most beautiful day of the summer, for nothing. Kirstin and Forest were brave and cheerful, and decided that we'd just go back to our house, get our swimsuits, and go to the pool. I couldn't stop myself from being really bummed out. Forest fell asleep after the first half hour of our drive home, and I spent the next couple of hours driving in silence, rather exhausted myself. We took a short nap at home, and then went for a swim, which helped cheer me up quite a bit. It really irritates me that the Festival people wouldn't do something to notify the people who were waiting in the 5-mile-long line; to let them know that the gates were closed. I wouldn't mind the needless drive as much as I minded sitting in a needless traffic jam for over an hour.
Anyhow, after swimming we went out for a nice dinner together, to try to recoup the rest of the day. Then Kirstin went to bed, and Forest and I plunked in front of Tetris and listened to the Emminem CD at which we enjoy laughing.
Great so far, that was the weekend.
Monday morning Forest's dad had a heart attack at work, and Forest dragged him to the hospital. I ran to cover the Store for the afternoon, then spent a couple of hours at the hospital trying to be a good visitor. I worked in a hospital for a long time; it's unnatural for me to be there without feeling somehow useful and busy. We sat in emergency for a LONG time. His dad was admitted for the night, but they didn't find him a bed until nearly 10 PM. It was an awful wait, and of course I was really worried about Forest's dad.
There's still no word on any of the tests, but they think he will be okay.
It freaks me out, because this is Forest's dad, and he had a heart attack at age 50. And Forest behaves just like his dad. Neither one can handle stress in a way that I think is healthy. They both eat fast food or diner food every meal of the day, and work in an ice cream store, and make mock of their unhealthy eating habits. *sigh* This combination of behavioral issues and genetic concerns curdled in the back of my mind until this morning, when it finally spewed out in a fit of irrational nagging which I'm sure didn't really do any good but to assuage my own worries a bit. Forest pointed out that he usually eats whatever I eat, which isn't healthy either; so I guess I'm putting myself on a diet for the rest of my life. I don't want to be a widow at 54.
I also freaked a bit because I didn't expect myself to have such wierd emotional responses to all of this. I'm used to being the kind of person who stays together in these situations. I keep my cool, and I'm there for people who need me. This time I think I did that on the surface, but underneath there was a roil of feelings I didn't fully understand. I spent the whole afternoon at the Store smiling, acting like nothing was going on, and trying to make Forest's grandma feel better. While I was serving customers, I was desperately feeling as though I should be with Forest, supporting him; but then I remembered that by running the Store, that was what I was doing.
This went on all afternoon.
Then I went to the hospital, and realized that I wasn't sure I belonged there. Forest was there, and his Aunt Linda, then cousin Ross came by. I felt like I should be there, but then I felt like an outsider, alternately for quite a while. I went down to the cafeteria and got Forest a sandwich (5 grams of fat, low cholesterol, full of fiber), and while I waited in line, I tried to straighten out my head. For some reason the fact that my own father had forgotten my birthday for two years running was running circles in there.
I don't pity myself about this, but my dad isn't like other people's dads. He raised me until I was 12, and then I only saw him one weekend a month. When I got to college I was terrible at staying in touch, and so was he; we just aren't that close. I see him at Christmas, and sometimes during the summer we go boating together. I try to remember to send something for his birthday and Father's day. That's about it.
Forest's dad is a point of confusion for me. He comes into my life at a time when I really don't NEED a father; but I've come to love him and respect him, and hardly know what to think of that, especially since there's some notion in the back of my irrational senses that says he will run away from me at any time. I know it makes no sense; something in the core of myself wants to push that relationship away, while other parts of me want to hang on for dear life. It's wierd.
I got back with the sandwiches, and decided to make a phone call just in time to see Forest's mom coming in. They are still in the middle of that ugly divorce, and I knew this was going to be yucky sooner or later, but in my old way of dealing with my own parents in their disputes, I smiled and played Switzerland, and felt quietly confused about that situation. In the end, Forest's mom ended up crying in the lobby, and I ended up holding her, and then talking calmly with her just like I did with my own mom when I was 12 and she cried about her divorce. Some small part of me felt 12 again, and it wasn't terribly pleasant.
Forest decided to go to teach class, having been in the emergency room for about as long as he could stomach it. I didn't want to be left there myself, for some irrational reason, still feeling as though I belonged, but didn't, and desperately flailing about in my relationships with my new parents-in-law, which were suddenly so much echoing the unpleasant parts of my relationships with my actual parents.
Feeling lost, alone, and needing support, I went to my bell choir and zenned out on bell music. I didn't speak to anyone, I didn't smile, but I played a lot of music and didn't have time to think about anything. It was nice, but it wasn't what I needed, so I left midway through rehearsal.
I went to the end of Forest's class, to touch base with him before going home after Kirstin. He seemed distant and a little strange, and I needed to talk to him about all my confusing feelings, but there wasn't a place or time for that to happen, so I had to kiss him and let him go.
I went home, plunked Kirstin in bed, and proceeded to sit, staring at a wall, feeling completely emotionally drained, and having no tools at hand with which to process those feelings. I was sure when Forest got home I would be okay, so I lost myself in my book, staving off a feeling of despair as best I could.
Forest ended up at the hospital until almost 11, when he called me from the Store, where he had to do some work. I somehow made him feel bad about staying out, and then tried to fix that by encouraging him to please take a minute and rest. Play a game of solitaire. He thought he was okay all day, but I could see the tension behind his eyes, and it was more important to me that he take a minute to sort things out than came rushing home to deal with my stunning array of personal shit. He had enough on his mind.
Despite my best efforts, I was still on the couch, semi-dozing when he got home at almost 2 AM. He had cleaned the machines at the Store, then driven around for a while just to think. I wish he could have come home just to think; but that's his way of dealing with things, I guess. He had come to realize that he was pretty torqued up after all, and needed to work through it. I understand.
I gave him the short version of my state of confusion, and he gave me an update on his, and we both tried to get some sleep. I think we each might have achieved an hour's sleep all in all last night.
This morning, needless to say, we weren't in a hurry to get out the door. I couldn't bring myself to leave. I kept thinking of it, but then I kept wanting to curl up next to Forest and rest my head a while. He turned kind of grumpy on me, though, and basically urged me to go to work so many times that eventually I did, feeling rejected and still needing some of his time. When I left he was stomping through the house, furious that he couldn't find his black belt, and shouting about it.
He realized later that he had needed some time alone this morning. If we would have known, we'd have dealt with it as a couple. Instead, having no sense of what to do with each other when things aren't going well, we fumbled about and made each other miserable. It was grand.
It's now noon, and he has since apologized and explained the reasons for his behavior. I tried to explain mine. I still don't think he understands that I need a little of his time, or even a series of kisses and hugs, sometime in the next day or so. He has called Master Kim and taken the night off from taekwondo, which I encouraged, because he really needs to take some time to relax. When we hung up the phone, I realized that this meant I was going to be out until 10:30 tonight while Forest was home, and that I have to do the same thing tomorrow night for brush up rehearsal, and Friday and Saturday nights for show. Thursday night he has his judo class.
And here I am, really feeling the need to see him. I need my friend, I need a good long talk, I need to figure out the mess that's in my head right now. Unfortunately, the lack of it it making me a weepy, upredictable waif, just when he probably needs me to be a strong, stable pillar for him. After all, that's his dad that's in the hospital for heaven's sake. What is wrong with me??? How can I be so selfish?
