This is the second week in a row that I've had my picture in the newspaper. Happily neither of the photos looks much like me, so no one will really notice, I don't think. Still, it's pretty cool that BCTG is able to get a little publicity for our show.
I think it will be a good show, too. We're going to have a fairly easy tech week, since the lighting crew has already been in, our props have been in place for a month, our set was built two weeks ago, and there's not much else to do. Last night I was truly horrified that Bob Gehrls literally scaled a brick wall with his fingertips and toes, and hung from a light fixture 20 or more feet in the air in order to re-aim it; but then again, it was nice that it got done so fast. I'm amazed.
Kirstin's teacher is really impressing me this year. His name's Dwight Blubaugh, and he is a really hard worker. We aren't left wondering about anything that happens in school; he's sent us detailed letters about all his policies, in perfect 14-point type with proper grammar and perfect spelling to boot. It's really nice to know what's going on long before parent-teacher conferences. He has all sorts of special reading and spelling programs, and is very involved in being a teacher. It's more than a job to him. What's more, he's easy to reach. I have emailed with him several times now, and he gives out his home number and the teacher's workroom number to all the parents in his class. I really like his work ethic.
Kirstin is NOT impressing me this year. I'm quite frustrated, in fact. This was a good summer for her. She grew a lot, decided to become a lot more mature in a lot of ways, and seemed earnestly excited to go back to school. *ALREADY* she has started dodging her homework, though. Last week she assured Bill several times on several occasions that she was done with her homework. In fact, she had read the book, but not written the report. It was an outright lie. Bill was pretty pissed off, and I don't blame him. Last night in the midst of all the angst, Forest tried for the umpteenth time to convince her that it was important that she do her homework. Her response was to fold her arms, look at him as though he was the stupidest creature alive, and in her best drama-voice say, "All I care about is having FUN. I WISH that you and mom would underSTAND that."
You have to see the hip-sway, glare of utter repulsion, and attitude that go with it in order to truly appreciate how awful it is. How can I raise a kid with an attitude like that??? That's honestly how she feels about schoolwork. She doesn't give a rat's ass, because it isn't fun. It's also why she drags her heels whenever we try to make her clean her room, and why the only way she's interested in helping around the house is if we're willing to pay her to do it.
I don't WANT to have a pre-teen yet. I'm not ready for the Brittney-Spears-loving-lipstick-wearing-fashion-conscious-shallow-boy-loving-obstinate-self-centered-insulting-insensitive attitude machine yet. Where does she get these ideas? Why on earth would anyone act like that, especially after years of demonstrating that she can think for herself?
Forest feels like the only reason she finished her homework at all last night was that he bribed her with a showing of Aladdin if she got it done. Sometimes I just want to trade her back in for the sweet, cooperative 1st grader she was a few years ago.
The most irritating thing in the world is that she doesn't DO this shit to Bill and Kathy. She's too terrified of Bill to even consider it. He doesn't hesitate one second to put the Holy Smack Down, and is very very strict. That's just not my style. I don't want to have to terrorize her in order to get her to do things, and even if I tried, I don't think it would fly. She knows be better than that. It's all so frustrating!!
Then, all of the sudden when Forest met her after school today, she was in great spirits, and eager to get going on her next reading assignment. She's in an accelerated reading program, and has been plowing through "AR" books at the rate of one or two per day. That illustrates some amount of ambition, right?
My mom is trying to get in touch with me to plan something for my birthday, but I keep having to tell her that I'm just not available. Because I'm not. Not until after the play opens, anyway. I offered her time on Sept 17, which is only 1 week late, but she had planned to go out of town that weekend. There just isn't much other time, though. Forest's dad's going away for over a week starting on Friday, so Forest has to be at the Store open to close every day Saturday through next Sunday. He was really depressed about that, because it meant he'd be working through my birthday; so I asked to be scheduled in, too. Kirstin's at her dad's, and if Forest is going to be working, I'd rather be with him than at home doing laundry. So of course I was on the schedule before my mom made her invitation.
My life on other days is just as ugly. I'm in rehearsal tonight and Friday night, working at the Freeze on Saturday and Sunday, in tech week Monday through Thursday night (woefully missing my first night of taekwondo ever) and performing Friday and Saturday.
I don't think it's going to be much of a birthday, but that's okay with me. This month also has Reagan, Dave, and Yeffy's birthdays, and I think Forest's brother Sean's, too. Forest has invited a couple of his friends to come over late on Saturday night; we're going to build things with Leggos. I think that's plenty of birthdaying for me.
Besides, I haven't really cared much about birthdays in a while. I'm turning 27; that's just not really an age worthy of note. I'm happy because I've learned a lot, and grown a lot since my last birthday, but those are things I privately celebrate every day, not just once a year. There isn't a new social status with this age, no new privileges. My driver's license is good for another three years, and I'm already old enough to vote, and still not too old to enlist. I qualify as a nontraditional student at MSU, but big whoop, I qualified for that before, too. All in all, it's just not too inspiring.
Wouldn't it be more fun of people developed something new and odd every year? When you turn 22, all of your hair suddenly gets curly. At 23 you sprout a daisy out the top of your head, and at 24 you get a blue star on your belly (like the Seuss sneetches.) Maybe at 43 you'd suddenly gain the ability to dance the cha-cha, and at 52 you are granted the power to float one inch above the ground. 96-year-olds would be able to drink water through their finger, like Mork from Ork.
It'd be cool.
Obviously I'm a little bored today, and wanting some creative outlet. I'm at the point in rehearsal where I can't just take great artistic leaps and bounds, because the director has the show the way he wants it, and to make big changes is rude to him and the other actors. I can do small things; change an expression or tweak the timing here and there; but overall, my performance is already decided.
The part of the creative process that I enjoy the most is the very beginning. It's the broad strokes on a blank canvas, bold and full of color. I still enjoy the subtler detail part, but that initial mote of color is most fulfulling to me.
Forest and I are both stressing about money. The new mortgage has been slowed down by the need for extreme documentation because Forest works for a family business, and by the need for handrails on our porches and a pest inspection. We're worried we're going to have to pay that godawdul thousand dollar house payment on the 15th of this month, which is basically going to screw us sideways if it happens. We haven't been preparing for it, because we were assured we'd be refinanced by then. In fact, that is less than a week away, and I don't think it's going to happen. It's a knot in the bottom of my stomach, constantly.
We're also both stressed because we're both way behind on laundry, and the lawn badly needs to be mowed. I just plain haven't been home, and the few times that he's been there he's been helping Kirstin with homework, or done a load or two of laundry; which we haven't had time to put away, and have added to the dirty pile relentlessly.
I'm stressing because I don't feel like I have time for all the things I'm doing, friendships I want to develop, and time for my punkin and my sweetie. I want badly to be at home with them. It's awful. Forest is stressing because he hasn't had any downtime in a month; vacation isn't quite enough for him, he needs to have unstructured time once in a while, too, and is worse than I am about scheduling himself full. Now he knows he will have to work 60-plus hours next week, and there's nothing he can do about it. He had promised his friends in Chicago he would visit, and feels badly because he can't do that. He wanted to do something special for my birthday, and feels badly about that, too.
Obviously, neither of us is in good shape at the moment.
Last night I came home from rehearsal early, and brought a movie with me. I found Forest in the tub (his favorite mode of relaxation) reading Eye of the World and looking positively fried. He apologized again and again, told me he loved me many times, but seemed to want to sink into his book and hide. I can relate to that feeling. So we skipped the movie, read books for a while, and went to bed early.
I'd really like to spend some happy time alone and relaxed with my sweety; but it's not going to happen, because my life is too much of a mess for that. I need to get this junk off my plate. The play will be over soon. I keep repeating that to myself as a mantra. I love theatre, but it's too much right now. My mortgage will be signed soon. My bills will be paid soon. I will have my normal life back soon. Forest's dad will be back from vacation soon.
Of course I'm deluding myself if I think life will be easy then. My life is never easy, I suppose no one's is. Kirstin will still be dragging her heels every time she has to do something she doesn't want to do, and I'm terrified she's only going to get brattier from here on out. I will still be wishing and hoping for a job at MSU so I can move on with my education, but I'll be incredibly lucky to get in there with my current rate of pay and no degree. Forest will still be struggling to pay for college, too, and it will be a few more years before we're at a comfortable cruising pace.
A gal can dream, though, right?
