It was also a bit awkward working with both Forest and Boyfriend there. They don't really know each other, so they don't have much to talk about. I'm the only thing I know of that they would have in common. Happily, I think Boyfriend finally understands the nature of that friendship and isn't threatened by it anymore.
This morning was supposed to be the last bit that Boyfriend had to do to buy his car. You know, the signing of the loan, the paying for insurance, the taking in the trade-in car. I was supposed to be able to drop him off at the dealership at 8, and get to work on time.
Of course, at 7:30 this morning when we went to start up the StupidEagle (my car that he is trading in) it wouldn't start. At all. Not even when we tried to jump it. For an hour.
So I sent him off to the dealership in my minivan, and called to have the car towed to the dealership. (Another chunk of change down the drain.) At this point I was stranded at my house until boyfriend showed back up a couple of hours later. Happily, I had lots of work to do, and proceeded to pack up my entertainment center. I decided to take the morning off, since I needed to go to Home Depot and the Secretary of State anyway, and could get these things out of the way without wasting another few hours of "personal leave". Of course, when boyfriend came home, he was completely pissed off that I had made these plans, since it turns out that he wanted to drop me off at work and take my van to Albion (where he works, an hour from where I work) for the rest of the day. Apparently the dealership was going to send him the closing paperwork via fax.
I stuck to my guns, though. At that point I had already wasted a couple of hours of paid leave, and damm it, I was going to get something out of the morning. So I stomped off to the Secretary of State, which didn't even open until 11 a.m., and got my Driver's License and registration renewed, and changed my address. It cost way too much money, but that's another rant. Then I went to Home Depot, where a very nice fellow named Tommy Lee sold me just the moulding I needed, and even helped me load it in my minivan. Good ole Tommy Lee.
Then I drove Boyfriend to the AAA office so he could get insurance, and wrote a check for that. Then I gave him a blank signed check to take to the car dealership, so that he wouldn't end up calling me in a panic when they came up with extra charges.
He was still mad at me.
So I dumped him off at home and came to work.
Tonight I'm planning to work on my house more. I'm getting predictable, aren't I? I think Forest is coming with me again, and hopefully we will get lots done. It'll just be the two of us, and we work really well together. (Go figure. We practically share a brain.) I also packed up my stereo and some CDs this time, so the house won't be so dead-quiet! Maybe it will feel more like it's mine if it's full of my music.
I really think some time away from boyfriend is going to do me (and maybe him, too) a lot of good. I'm so tired of being blamed for everything he doesn't like about his life! I think we use each other as crutches a lot. He shoves all the responsibility in the world off on me, and I think I too often leave all the decisions to him. I need to be decisive. He needs to be responsible. We aren't purposefully stunting each other's growth, but we are making it unnecessary. I don't like that. I don't want to spend the rest of my life with a man who refuses to take responsibility for his decisions, for his relationships, for his bills, or his life. It's not right.
I used to think that love was everything that mattered in the world. Now, I feel that no matter how much you love each other, you can't get along swimmingly when you have to take the blame for every thing that ever happens. Or maybe if he really loved me he wouldn't assign every unpleasant part of the world to my control. I don't know.
So I'll wait until I move, and then see if he asks me on a date. And go from there.
He's even madder at me now, because I did an unprecedented thing. I said "no" to him. TWICE. No, I can't cosign on a loan for him because I can't afford to screw up my credit by increasing the spread on my debt-to-income ratio. I just can't. And NO, I can't cancel my plans for the evening so that he can have my car. Can't and won't. It's important to me that the work on my house gets done, and I am going to *do* it. He can bloody well live with the fact that he's put off getting this car for too damn long.
I'm upset that he is angry with me about these things. Last time I talked to him on the phone, he didn't even say goodbye, he just hung up. This from the guy who says he loves me.
If then, true loves have been ever-cross'd it stands as an edict in destiny.
We must teach our trial patience, as it is a customary cross,
as due to love as thoughts, sighs, and dreams,
wishes and tears poor fancy's followers.
- Hermia in Midsummer Night's Dream, by Shakespeare. Spoken to Lysander, with great hope.
