There, I have pronounced my disclaimer.
This weekend was completely nuts! I think the world ended about 4 times this weekend, maybe more. I'm still baffled, and it's Tuesday for Pete's sake. Friday night Roomie came to pick the car up from me at the park where I perform at night. He was going to the bar with some friends until the show ended, when he had to pick me up. For some reason, he wouldn't talk to me, wouldn't look me in the eye, and his body language resembled a porcupine in a state of high wariness. He told me he didn't want to talk to me about it, but he didn't understand why I wanted to go do stuff with other people this weekend when I was with those same people every night all week. Then he stomped off.
I didn't fall apart. I had a show to do, and I try to have some level of professionalism. (Also, if I'm not focused on this show, I will get injured, and I didn't want that. There's quite a lot of violence.) So for the sake of my sanity and physical well-being, I didn't let him get to me. It was a great show on Friday night, and a pretty big crowd to play for.
After the show every night we have to tear down all our tents and haul every single prop and costume back to our houses. So the show ended at 9, and the packing began. As Forest and I were dragging my tent toward the parking lot, I realized that Roomie was nowhere to be found. He hadn't come back with the car yet. Of course, Forest wasn't going to leave me in the park with Kirstin all alone in the dark, so the three of us sat there and waited for almost an hour. I felt pretty bad about it, since Forest missed part of a party while he waited. Finally I gave up, and asked him to drive me to the bar where I thought Roomie would be. Sure enough, there was Roomie with three friends from work, and a half a beer left to drink. I was FURIOUS. I tried to keep my temper, but I think everyone knew I was mad, since the glare probably gave me away. I am almost NEVER that angry. But gosh, you know, I think I'm pretty generous with my car, and I let him borrow it whenever he wants, and he left me stranded in the middle of nowhere! He even had my purse and all my money in the car, so I couldn't have paid for a ride home.
So then when we got in the car, he was angry at me for getting upset in front of his friends. And he refused to apologize. Needless to say, I wanted to know what on earth was going on with him, but he wouldn't talk to me. I sensed perhaps I shouldn't go the the Ren Faire without him, since he might have been bent out of shape for feeling left out. So I asked, and he blew me off. So I went to bed in a very grumpy spirit, and on Saturday was up before he was and out the door.
Saturday was a godsend. Forest (Lysander)and I went to the Faire. It was very relaxing, and fun. I had lots of time to think, and just be myself, which was just what I needed. I felt like my whole life was shaking around me, but while I was at the Faire, none of it could touch me. I was anonymous in the throng, and it was terrific. Forest and I watched some silly Shakespeare take-offs that made us both feel really good about our own show, we ate Soup in a Bread Bowl, took a long nap under some shade trees, and generally chilled out all day. It was just what I needed. In talking with him I didn't mention much detail, but he kind of helped me realize how confused about everything I was. In the back of my mind, I thought I would very likely get home and find that Roomie wanted to break up with me. And at the time, it didn't bother me much. Roomie has been stand-offish and cold for practically the whole summer, and for years he has been trying to convince me that he's not ready to love me, and that I'm low on his priority list. We had gotten to the point where I didn't feel any emotion from him at all, and frankly, I was almost ready to give up anyway. I've been trying to build a relationship with this man for more than 4 years. He hasn't given one inch that whole time, in fact, he's grown more distant.
So I took comfort in the fact that I still had the capacity to make new friends. Forest and I get along really well, and he's a lot of fun to talk with. We talked about being kids, being adults, where we've both been, and where we're going. It was great to get to know him better, I think we have the makings of a great friendship.
So we yammered at each other candidly about significant others and how frustrating they can be, ate a brownie, and drove back to Lansing in time for call.
I picked Roomie and Alex up and brought them along for the show. Roomie refused to talk to me at first, saying that he didn't want to upset me before the show. Then he completely melted down, and started talking anyway. He actually cried. I was stunned. He hasn't shown me that much emotion in years, and I really didn't think I mattered that much to him anymore. He had missed me a lot, and was afraid because I had been so distant from him in the last few weeks. (Which is true. I was very focused on the show.) He was scared I was looking for someone else, and was hurt that I wanted to go out without him.
In the back of my mind I protested. He goes out without me all the time! I'm always the one being left behind. So just once, ONCE, I make some new friends and go out, and he gets jealous? What right does he have to be jealous when he's ignored me and pushed me away for so long?
Of course I didn't say those things out loud, because it was clear he was hurting, and I didn't want to hurt him more. I was also trying to clear my head and get ready for show, and didn't want to be freaking out just then. I pointed out that I didn't know what I should say to him, because if I hug him and say he's my guy, then I would be stifling him, and giving him unwanted affections, and that if I said nothing, he might assume I was really out there trying to leave him. The conversation ended, because it was show time. Nothing was resolved.
So like a good little actress I put it all aside and performed. It was another really good night, and all my friends were there, which made it really special. I vented a little on Forest backstage, and must admit that I was even more confused than I had been before. He kind of served to validate my feelings of confusion. He was as baffled as I was. What was all this sudden emotion? Why all the attention all the sudden? It just seemed to drop out of the clear blue sky. I didn't feel like I could leave Roomie alone, so after the show, I planned to skip the cast party and go home with him. Our mutual friend Lamont was hosting the party, however, and he insisted we both come along. When we got there, Roomie parked himself in a corner with a beer, near a guy he knew from somewhere, and didn't introduce me or attempt to talk to me at all. My new friends were on the other end of the room, and as much as I wanted to go join them and actually have fun, I sat there next to Roomie the whole time. I didn't want to leave him alone in a room full of strangers. I *do* have a conscience.
Then, after we left, I got all kinds of grief because I didn't introduce him to my new friends.
That's when I lost it. I was so confused, I started to say so. Forest had told me I should point out all the changes and conflicts in Roomie's behavior, and try to get to the bottom of it that way. Analytically, not emotionally. So that's what I did. I emphasized each point by saying how much all of this confused me, and how overwhelmed I was.
I don't remember how it happened, but Roomie started to talk. He wasn't jealous of my new friends. He was happy I was out meeting people and having a life. But he was angry about my move, and felt that my recent detachment was because I was becoming disinterested in him.
Yeah, right.
I pointed out that I had been detached because for years he has been pushing me away, and I had slowly been giving him more and more space. I explained how proud I was of my independence, and how I didn't feel like I needed anyone for my emotional well-being. I also explained that this freedom allowed me to really focus on things that are important to me personally, like my show, work, and my house.
I won't bore you with all the lengthy details, but we talked until probably 1 in the morning. Finally, in bed when I was half asleep, he asked me if I would be his girlfriend.
Major, earth-shattering event.
Roomie has been denying any real relationship with me for years, because he didn't feel ready. He wouldn't say "I love you". He wouldn't hold my hand in public. He hid me from his family and some of his friends. He didn't want me to be close to him. It was a long painful time for me, but I stuck it out, because I sensed it was an intellectual problem, not an emotional one, and intellectual problems aren't that hard to change.
Needless to say I was dumbstruck. Why was he doing this suddenly? It was the end of the world. And the beginning of a new one. Not knowing what else to say, I agreed to be his girlfriend.
Then, he told me he loved me, and was sorry for the unfair way he had treated me for so many years, and was sad to have lost so much valuable time with me.
I was stunned again. All of this has happened so fast, I'm not sure what to make of it. This wasn't the roomie I had known for years. This wasn't my friend. Who was this?
Sunday morning, I was sure I had dreamed everything. But then I got up and he had made me sticky-buns for breakfast. I was in a daze. We piled in the car and went to the National Folk Festival, which was in East Lansing this year. There was great music, and sure enough, I got kissed in public! How did this come about? Then he told me he loved me. Still! I was completely floored, and spent much of the festival quietly trying to assimilate the change. Happily, we ran into some friends there, and spent a non-scary couple of hours hearing some really good fiddle music.
Then we went home and I took a nap, and we went to call. Then I had show, which Roomie went to see again. He liked it better this time, probably because he wasn't feeling completely upset and spiteful while he was watching.
Afterward, we got home, and I got all sorts of attention again. We stayed up late talking again. He was open with me for the first time in ages about his dealings with his ex-wife, and his feelings about me, and about half a million other things. He was a little worried because he didn't feel the level of intimacy from me that he did when we first met.
Well gee, you know, it might take me a while to get back to that level after having been virtually ignored for so long.
I calmly pointed out that it wasn't purposeful, and that I was quite overwhelmed with this sudden change, and didn't quite know how to respond.
We went to sleep without much further wierdness, except that he told me he loved me again.
Yesterday I stayed home sick. I had a fever and felt generally yucky, and didn't want to come down with the flu that has been going around. He called me and checked up on me twice. When he got home, the first thing he did was spend a half-hour kissing and cuddling with me. For the first time ever, when his daughter was in the room, he held a real conversation with me, instead of ignoring me in favor of her. I got snuggled all the way through Ally McBeal, and in bed.
Then, he told me he wanted me to make sure I kept my new friends around, and made jokes about Forest looking like the Dread Pirate Roberts. (This from the man who wouldn't call these people by name on Friday night.) We got to chatting, and were up all hours again. This time he was joking about *gulp* how many kids he wants to have, and dreaming about our future. Of course, I reminded him, this would need to be a slow, steady process, and I thought we should try to get past my moving, and use that for a starting place. He agreed, we should start all over, and date for a while, and build from there. He said that now, all the things he thought were so much more important seemed to melt away, and he wanted to have a relationship, and eventually a family. He was even talking about *GULP GULP* marriage.
My god! Talk about a major change of heart. I couldn't believe this was the same man I had spent almost 5 years with. Gah! It all requires so much thought. I'm not sure that I *want* this sort of relationship with him. I liked him the way he was four years ago, when we were good friends and confidants. We were close, and he didn't pile up a bunch of emotional baggage around our being together. The way he says he loves me it sounds like it's a huge burdensome deal to him. He says it like a person who is saying "yes sir, I murdered the 80 people, you can hang me now." He was all lovey dovey all night, and in the morning kissed me sweetly to wake me up, and has sent me three "I love you" emails this morning!
So, it's the end of the world. I will no longer be referring to him as Roomie. From now on, he wants me to tell people he's my boyfriend. What a strange, strange weekend this was. Could someone pinch me please?
