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We would be lost.

My annual review was 2 hours long! It was exhausting in proportion alone, and then we had to tackle the four page long list of "critical performance factors" provided by our central administration; the basis by which all employees are to be judged.

It went well, though. I don't think there was one bad thing said about me. Apparently I'm cured of last year's tendency to overcommit. The worst thing they had to say was that I needed to make sure I didn't get too carried away with the 'interior design' and forget the 'plumbing'. I think they meant that I should be sure to do all the boring, annoying paperwork that goes along with my job as well as all the creative things I love to to. I've really been enjoying my recent forays into research and development, and I guess they're worried that my documentation practices might suffer for it.

The nicest thing they said was when reviewing my 'critical performance factors'. On the sheet it says "Does the employee contribute to the organizational success of the project? Is the employee a valued team member?" Their comment was "My God, we would be LOST."

Then they poked around and nearly asked that I please not go get a different job.

As if I would go anywhere! I love my job, for the most part and for the time being. The only open position in IT in our company is basically a political nightmare position that I have turned down before, and will turn down again. There's no way in hell I'm embroiling myself in that mess.

In my current job, I can sit in my office with my door closed and not see a soul all day if I want to. No one in upper management has any idea what I really do, and they have no interest whatsoever in it, as long as my grantors are happy, which they always are. If I took that other position, they would be breathing down my neck at every turn. In my position I can determine my own deadlines and goals, write my own budget, purchase equipment based on my own opinions, and decide my own direction for the future of our project. I like my freedoms, and wouldn't give them up for anything, not even the $10,000 raise that this other position would provide.

Forest agrees with me. In his words, "Franklins are good, but it's not worth it."

Yeah.

So I got a neat little raise that really barely will show up on my paycheck, but at least demonstrates that my company approves of me and the job I'm doing. That's a nice thing.

My boss asked me about my future. Where did I see myself going with all of this?

I really have no idea, and I told him so. I've been enjoying the R&D parts of my job very much. I told him that. Then there wasn't much else to say. I mean, to use Forest's phrase again, "it's all about the Franklins" right now. I'm here because I get paid, and that's a really good thing. I'm glad I can help people out, and wow, it's nice that more kids are immunized because of me, but you know, I applied for the job because I wanted a steady income, and that's really that.

I'm a sellout.

My dreams certainly don't involve doing this forever. Recently I've been thinking of medical school, but that is such a huge monetary commitment and so many years of school that I have been waffling a bit. Wouldn't it be cooler to teach? I mean high school kids. I like to teach martial arts, that has to count for something, right? And when I was younger I taught music, and that was fun, too. Besides, that way both Forest and I could someday feasibly work the same schedule.

I often envy my mother's summers, spring breaks, and winter breaks. Granted, she works a ton of hours during the school year; way more than 40, and in so doing she probably makes up for all that time off. Plus she has to go back to school every year or two to keep herself certified. Still, I like the idea of doing my work in a concentrated effort so I could have longer stretches of time off. It sounds good to me.

I wonder what it would take to make me a teacher? (Other than a load of patience.)

Of course I didn't tell my boss all of this; but he got me thinking about it, certainly.

I really ought to go back to college this fall. *sigh*

Our first aid and CPR classes yesterday were a breeze. It's amazing how much of this stuff I remember from the previous times I was trained. The Red Cross has methods for practically brainwashing you with the stuff, I think. The videotapes, books, and speaker all repeat the same phrases over and over again, until they pop to mind without any conscious thought. It's something anyone could do, which I suppose is a good thing. Forest and I were both tired, and fought to stay awake. I succeeded, he failed. Luckily, he only slept through the lecture on treating frostbite, so I was able to brief him before the test. We bandaged each other, splinted each other, and generally reviewed things we already know, and now we're both certified in CPR and First Aid. Cool.

Last night in class we had a good workout, but I was just feeling a litle bit off my forms all evening. It was strange, but things just didn't feel right. Midway through the class Master Kim called a halt, gave a short talk, and held a brief ceremony to distribute the new black belts. It was funny how many of them got tears in their eyes. Then there was a bizarre new twist on the class. Suddenly there were 6 people walking around with nothing to do but help. I got so much advice all of the sudden that I didn't know which end was up! It was nice that they were helping, but at the same time it was somewhat confusing, because I kept getting mixed messages, and some of them outright conflicted with each other. When we were walking out, I told Forest how baffled I was, and vented by confusion on him.

He pointed out that I was just plain frustrated in general, which didn't help in the first place. I'm a perfectionist, and of course I have to remember that it's not possible for me (or anyone) to perform perfectly. That's the subjective part of the art, it's based on ideals. It's not just getting all the moves right, it's getting them right with the right spirit, pace, balance, and force, and having confidence besides. There's an expectation of an ideal beginner, and ideal Forest reminded me again (and swore he wouldn't repeat it for me anymore) that I'm a beginner and I ought to expect to perform like a beginner.

What he means is that I shouldn't be comparing myself against the models that I do. Most of the people I have been trying to match with my forms have been doing this for years. They're working on a different level completely. I have to remember that my peer group are the yellow belts I work with in class every day. Among that group I'm doing just fine, and that's the way it's meant to be.

Patience, grasshopper.

Another bizarre part of class was the end. As everyone said their goodbyes, one of our fellow students, Oscar invited Forest out to his birthday party at Omar's (a strip club.) Then he realized I had overheard. I said, "That's okay, there are no secrets between us, I would have known anyway." Oscar's immediate response was, "You two should get married then." Soon we were getting that from several other people. I don't know where this came from, but it was a little strange to say the least. People just don't go around telling people to get married.

When we got home, Forest and I discovered that for the second day in a row, we had a psychotic wack-o threatening our lives in our voice mail. It doesn't sound like a rational person to me. In fact, it sounds like a young man, maybe even a pre-teen, and in my experience those are seldom rational creatures! He goes on and on with profane words about how he's going to kill us and our whole fuckin' family, and he uses the word 'family' as though it were dirtier than any of the other obscene things he has to say. It's pretty much creeping me out.

Last night, since this was a second occasion and therefore must not have been an accident, we decided to call the number on our caller ID, and ask to speak to a parent. The kid's voice on our voice mail answered the phone, or at least it sounded just like him. Forest tried to tell him that we wanted him to stop making profane threatening calls to our voice mail. The kid went on as though he didn't understand what Forest was saying, and soon his mother yelled at him and took the phone away.

Forest politely explained to her that someone at her number had made obscene threatening calls, and that he wanted them to stop.

"My son is 10 years old," she said with obvious disbelief.

So Forest gave her the access number and password to our voice mail, and explained how to use it. He asked that she please call him back to talk about it after hearing her son's messages.

She called back once, but obviously hadn't understood how to use our voice mail system. Forest explained it again, reiterated the password, and then we waited.

Until midnight. She never called back. If that kid calls my house again today, I am going to call the police. You just don't make calls threatening to kill someone and their family. It's not funny in any way.

While we were waiting, Forest read me little tidbits from this cool book of facts. You know, little things, like "at the time of Heroditus's visit to the Egyptian pyramids, they were already 2000 years old." "Alexander the great, one of the greatest military minds was taught by one of the worlds' greatest scholars, Aristotle."

At midnight, though, we gave up waiting on that lady's call, and hopped in a hot hot hot shower. We sang the "Old Lady who Swallowed a Fly" (in salute to Leeloo, who has begun a holy war against the house flies) and generally lathered the workout away. In bed we were both exhausted, but talked each other to sleep.

My last conscious thought was that the reason I had so much trouble with my forms was that my eyes weren't in the right places. Man, am I ever obsessive when I think I ought to be better at something than I already am!

This morning we overslept by a solid hour, but I managed to only be 15 minutes late for work. In so doing I am wearing mismatched socks, and have a crooked ponytail keeping my hair from medusa-like erectness. I also missed breakfast, and didn't eat after last night's workout, so I'm starving to the point of dizziness. There will be no rest for me at lunchtime, though. I have to run and pick up my purse from the place I left it yesterday so I can have money! I haven't done that in a long time. I just hope no one swiped my Palm Pilot from it. That belongs to my office, and I'd be mortified if I lost it.

After work this evening I get to drive out to pick up Kirstin, then go to deliver the carpet padding to Bath. Then Kirstin's going to visit Darcy, and both Forest and I are going to D&D. It will be lots of fun, I'm really looking forward to it. I doubt there will be a big crowd, though. This is tech week for Faustus, and most of my friends are in the show. I'm pretty bummed out that I won't get to see them. I have concerts during three of the performances, and a dress rehearsal during the last. I've been wanting to see it for over a year now! Grr.

I found another play to try out for if I don't get cast in Othello. Riverwalk is doing a Neil Simon comedy in mid-August that sounds like fun.