The reason it came up is that Forest's cousin Ross made fun of me yesterday. I had just filled the vanilla container with mix, and managed not to spill a drop, when I looked down and saw that I had dragged my coat through the dispenser part of the ice cream machine. There was gook all over it. I laughingly went back to the back room where Ross and Forest were playing chess, and told them about it. Ross laughed, and dropping his usual manner of slang, succinctly and carefully pointed out that I am funny because I always use proper English, even when I spill things on myself. He imitated me exactly, and then we all laughed. I thought it was funny, too!
That night when Forest and I were laughing about it, he pointed out that I speak that way with practically everyone. He says I don't put any emotion behind my words, and that I don't reveal any of myself to people. He says the most excitement that I show around people is to say "O my gosh" or something like that, but that there isn't a lot of feeling behind it even then. Apparently his brother (who doesn't know me very well) commented that I don't seem to have much of a personality.
That was a very odd thing for me to hear. I have never been accused of lacking personality before. Forest pointed out that he doesn't think I lack it, but that I don't project it at all, except a little bit in my group of friends, and full force to him when we're alone. Apparently when I'm meeting new people, or hanging with his family, I speak properly, and lack inflection.
My first impression of it is that I don't want to be fake with people. When I project emotions I feel like I'm acting, and that isn't how I want to feel when I'm face to face with people. At least, not anymore. I want to be real with them. I've been making a conscious effort to try to be more trusting of people, and more open with them, and apparently it's not working. For instance, I know I have a tendency to exaggerate when I tell stories, mostly to entertain people. But I decided that life was interesting enough without the exaggeration, and for the sake of honesty, I stopped doing that.
So now I've got no personality.
I'm not a shy person, either. It's not that I just hide from new people. I feel like I'm being friendly, I laugh a lot (Forest's family jokes around often) and I listen more than I speak, because I'm in a strange environment, and am getting to know them and how they communicate.
See, Forest has different ways of communicating with his family and friends. He's more prone to use proper English with me when it's just the two of us, because he's more relaxed, more open, and tends to be more expressive. With his friends and family he uses lots of slang, runs words together, and uses more exclaimations. They don't need fancy words, because they understand each other perfectly.
How to explain it??? Well, this is where Shelly comes in. In her journal, Shelly says she wants that intimacy of "souls touching". Well, Forest has that with his family, and many of his friends, and there really isn't a need for words for them to communicate, because they are already that intimate.
So I come into their situation, and my soul doesn't touch anybody. Hence, I have no personality.
Then it occurred to me that really the only people my soul does touch have been Bill, Jeff, and Forest. I don't open myself up to others casually. Don't get me wrong, I feel comfortable with my group of friends. But I don't feel that level of intimacy with any of them. Forest jokingly said I ought to sleep with Shelly, so I would have another person I was close to. Of course he knows I would never do that, but he was trying to illustrate that he thinks I need that closeness in my life, with people other than him, and that our lives would be easier if I had it.
But I don't know how to change. I can't do it by talking. To use poor Shelly as an example again, she knows everything in the world there is to know about me, practically. I mean, she's probably a little out of date, we haven't really yammered at each other in the past few months... but she knows what I was like as a teenager. She knows everything that went on in my life and in my head for most of the time that I've known her. That's the only way I know to get close to someone; to talk to them. To share your lives. I think I know a lot of Shelly's life, too; the way she looks at the world, the things she worries about, the things that make her happy. Shelly used to describe it as I was in her head, and she was in my head.
But does all of this mean our souls are bared to each other? Are our souls touching? I don't think so. It goes back to the fact that I relate to my friends on a logical, intellectual level, and not emotionally enough. Is the spirit linked to emotion? Maybe.
Shelly says she is an emotion junkie, that she needs that level of spiritual intimacy. So it's another way that I've let Shelly down.
I wish I knew how to be the kind of friend that people need. I wish I knew how to let people see who I am without having to make a conscious effort to project it. Apparently this is another thing I've done all of my life.
So can I still be myself if I try to change something like that? How? I would certainly like to know. Because right now, I feel as though I *am* being myself with everyone. Honestly, I am relaxed in social situations. I don't have any pretenses with Forest's family and friends, and I don't have any with my friends, either. I'm even straight with my mom, which is a new development for me. There are no longer any lies in my life, they went out the window when Jeff and I broke up.
This is just me, plain and simple.
I could give the world me with a twist of Hermia and a sprinkle of Maggie (from Jake's Women), and a dash of my mother, for morality's sake, and I'm sure I would be more interesting, and I would be teeming with personality. But it wouldn't be me anymore, and I don't think I'm willing to do that just so that people will like me more easily.
Likewise, it feels silly to project my emotions at people, too. I'm generally an even-keeled person. I don't get terribly angry, terribly sad, or unbelievably happy very often. The world just doesn't suprise me enough to make me cry out very often. I *do* cry at movies. I laugh a lot. But when I speak, I tend to be relaxed, and if I'm relaxed I'm not cranking out the drama.
If I wanted to, I could, though. I know I'm capable of crying for an audience. I can project anger at so many levels, that it's always been my favorite part of theatre. I have a knack for it. I've done frustration, impatience, fascination, grief, pain, confusion, and a whole range of other emotions so that people 50 feet away could still feel them. (Listen to me, I sound like something out of Sunset Boulevard.) But none of those things are real, you see. It's smoke and mirrors. I'm not really feeling those emotions at all, I just know how to make myself knotted up inside so that the tears come out. They're things I've practiced, and gotten good at, but they're all illusions. I walk off the stage, drop whatever I was focusing on to make myself cry, wipe the tears away, and I'm perfectly happy again.
It's all fake.
Honestly, though, not many things in the real world inspire me to tears, or to great, beaming grins. Forest does, easily, but he's not someone I need to open up to, he's already in my heart, completely. Our spirits don't just touch, they are intertwined. He could make me cry with a glance, or like this morning, he could make me feel like my face is sunshine, smiling with unabashed love for him. There aren't any boundaries there, at all. I don't know how we got there, though, honestly. For a long time we were just talking on and on, and the greatest thing about Forest is that when we talk, we both look directly into each other's eyes. There's communication on a whole different level there. The next thing I know, I've given my heart and soul over to him completely, and find that he's inside me, everywhere I go.
Even all of the times Shelly an I talked, in great depth about things, very rarely was I inspired to naturally express great emotion. I remember talking about some subjects that were quite upsetting to me, but I was already tired of privately crying about them. I'm not sure that any of my friends has ever seen me upset to the point of tears. I'm not sure they've seen me thrilled about something, suprised by anything. I know they've never seen unabashed love in my face. That's a sad thing, because I really do love many of them. A lot.
So I don't know how to tell them when it tears me up inside that I don't see them very often. I don't know how to say that I cried when I typed this paragraph of my journal entry, and that I want to be spiritually connected to them, but I don't know how.
I'm not sure how I came to be so disfunctional. It's not the way I intend to be at all.
On a related but seperate note, last night I also realized why it is that Forest and I lost our magical communication for a while. The reason I figured it out is that it's back now. Here's the thing. I communicate with him best when I see his eyes. We look right into each other's faces a lot when we're talking, or just when we're goofing around. However, when he's down, he withdraws into himself, and he avoids my eyes. That contact is gone, and I don't know how to relate to him when he's withdrawn. I can't read him, because I can't see his eyes. And he can't read me, because he doesn't feel up to looking.
It's hard for him to deal with, I think, because I'm the first person who has been around him full time like this. When he's down, he doesn't want people around. Except that on some level, he *does* want me around. He wants to spend time with me, no matter what his mood, and still shares his thoughts and feelings. I think it's quite a conflict for him, though we haven't really talked about it.
Still, I'm willing and able to accept the down-part of him, and am trying to think ahead about it, so I know how to deal with it better next time. I hope to figure out how to get that level of spiritual intimacy when he's in the act of withdrawing. It's something I need, and CRAVE in a relationship. When it's not there, I get scared easily, I lose my ability to reason once in while, and all I know is that I want it BACK.
It affects more parts of our relationship than you would think, too. Obviously if I don't feel that spiritual connection, it's difficult for me to really get into sex. I'll grant you, I'm rather a lusty wench, and can get pleasure from it, but it's not the same thing. Also, if I knew that I had that wonderful smile, those beautiful eyes, and all that affection waiting for me when I got home, I wouldn't mind being away from him so much. Right now, and anytime when we're spiritually open with each other, I feel a bit of him inside me, even when we're apart. It's like a link between us, somehow. Then, when I get home, I will be immersed in him, like a big, warm, spirit bath. I'm not sure how to explain it, but there's a feeling of equal give and take that goes along with it that is indispensable. It makes me the happiest I've ever been in my life. So being apart for a while isn't a big deal, because 5 minutes talking with him about something as silly as the weather makes a month of isolation wash away.
Of course, on the flip side, it's downright inconvenient that I'm at my most uncomfortable when he's withdrawn. I go to him, seeking affection, hoping for that give and take, that indescribable two-way stream of connection between us. I ask too much of him, and he tries to make me happy, and we both end up frustrated. Our communication isn't as good, because we aren't reading each other's faces and feelings. We end up spending more time together than is probably necessary, trying to make up for the distance, and inevitably failing.
I really need to figure out how to handle it. I know that this is part of who he is, and I love him indescribably much, and can't ask him to change. I don't even know that I'd really want him to change. I love the part of him that is unpredictable, and a bit on the moody side. I like that I can't predict what he's going to say, or how he's going to react to something, even when I'm linked to him spiritually. He reminds me of the wind, and I love that.
Forest thinks that if I had an open, spiritual-level, close relationship with one of my friends that I would better be able to handle it.
Easy for him to say. I have no idea how to build that kind of closeness, I've only ever fallen into it by accident.
But in my heart, I know he's right, at least partially. There is a side of me that's terribly lonely when he's not opened to me at that moment. Maybe another person would be a comfort. Of couse it wouldn't help with the communication problems between me and Forest, or the fact that I have developed a nasty tendency to ride down his moods with him, and I generally end up far lower than he is. But maybe another person close to me would mean a little perspective. A little ground to stand on when I say "I'm not alone," so that I can believe myself.
Listen to me. I am writing like quite the drama queen for all you strangers and acquaintences. My feelings are bared, and I'm spilling it all onto the screen. So do I need a keyboard to relate emotions to my friends?
Then again, I think part of what's missing there is the other end of it. My friends try to project emotion at me, and I think it hits my skin and they perceive that it goes no further. Don't get me wrong, I do empathize. I can put myself in someone's shoes, logically, and know how they feel. Deep down inside, though, I stop myself from going there with them. I don't follow on the sympathetic journey, whether it's sharing happiness or grief. I tend to be in such an intellectual mode of coming up with answers, and fixing things, or sharing experience so that they don't feel so alone, that I don't think they get a stream of emotion coming back at them in return for their openness. They don't know that my heart goes out to them. Shelly probably never knew how it pained me to hear her feelings sometimes, because I didn't express it. I don't know why. Maybe I never thought someone might want me to go there with them.
Anyway, this is all getting very confusing.
Last night at Tae Kwon Do, Forest took a video camera and made us all perform kicks in front of it, so we could watch ourselves for the sake of critiquing. We had practiced them before that, and I was starting to feel comfortable with them, and then locked up and overthought as soon as the camera was on me.
It was flattering, however, that Master Kim came in while we were watching the tape, and complemented my sidekick. I mentioned to him that I felt off balance with it, but he said that the foot positions were right, though, so I guess that's what's important to him. It's nice to know I'm making progress there.
I was worried about Forest most of the night, though. He needs to stop free-sparring with this one particular student until that student learns to control himself better. Forest launched a jumping kick toward him, and rather than use a legal block, this student grabbed Forest's ankle in mid-air, and flipped it up while pushing back. Basically, this slammed Forest headfirst into the ground. He landed oddly with his temple on the ground first, his neck loose, then his shoulder driving in. I honestly thought he'd be KO'ed and immediately was worried about his neck. I had no intentions of letting him get up until I'd heard some complete sentences, seen some reflexes from fingers and toes, gotten a look at the pupils, and had him count fingers. He was probably on the ground for about 5 minutes, and I'm happy to say that he didn't hurt his neck, although his back is very stiff today.
Last night, though, I couldn't get him to sit it out, even though I know his head was killing him every time he moved. I saw that he was getting dizzy at the end of our most intense workout of the night, and actually moved up to get ready to catch him, I was so afraid he was going to lose it.
But he didn't. He just turned very pale and somewhat greenish, and felt better when we got home, he had some drugs, and the panacaea: frosted mini-wheats. Forest always feels better with frosted mini-wheats. Don't ask me.
Class last night was pretty much the regular workout, but I got stomach cramps at one point, and thought I might just toss my cookies. I had hardly had anything to drink all day, even though I know better than that. It didn't help that we had spring break two weeks back, and then testing last week, which isn't much exertion. I think I was also using some mental energies keeping an eye on my honey. I wasn't going to let him wipe out, and I could tell when he was dizzy on and off.
I made myself tough it out, though, and worked as hard and as accurately as I could until we had a break, and then I dashed for the Power Ade with Forest. That stuff tastes terrible, but it really does get your body hydrated in a hurry. The room where we practice gets very hot and stuffy in a hurry, and everyone is working very hard and bathed in sweat, and we all give off our own areas of 90+ degree heat. Sometimes I look over into the corner, and see Master Kim nod off a little bit, and I can't say I blame him in that heat. We really need a fan.
I felt bad this morning, because I was extremely late for work. Almost 45 minutes. I nearly just called myself in sick, because I was so mortified at my lateness. It was all due to gluttony, too. I was awake at 7 AM as I should have been, but Forest was supposed to wake up with me, too, and he was so smily and cuddly that I crawled back in bed. Then when the alarm went off again, I snoozed it, enjoyed more cuddles and smiles, and stayed put. He had said that if his head hurt him no less in the morning he might stay home, and I wanted to know what he was up to before I went anywhere... but mostly I was basking in his smile, and looking at those beautiful blue eyes of his. They really are breathtaking. Then we played together for a while, ate Toaster Strudel in bed, and played some more. I kissed him all over, and he laughingly tried to evade the girl-cooties. I (of course) practically covered him in girl-cooties. It's so much fun to be happy together. Then one thing sort of lead to another...
Ahem. I pulled into work at about 9:10, instead of 8:30 this morning. I really need to not do that. However, I'm proud that I didn't just cop out and skip work for the day. I have important things I need to get done on deadline, dammit, I have to be a grown-up about it. I work in an office full of people whose lives are much more settled than my own. Routines are in place for them. All of them are married, and all work the same hours as their spouses. My boss doesn't come late to work because his wife seduced him that day. They keep their personal lives isolated to the correct time frames where a personal life should be.
Maybe I'm not cut out for this style of work. I like being able to love my honey whenever I please. I was reading an article online yesterday about how Fortune 500 companies are starting to change the entire structure of the workplace, because they see that their employees are leaving them to work in free environments. Apparently employees prefer to be able to come and go as they please. They also like employers who are willing to accept a different set of priorities, such as "my family comes first," "my health comes first," or "I need to go on a sabbatical to get in touch with myself again."
Don't get me wrong. My workplace is pretty laid back. I won't get into trouble for being late today. I will, however, feel guilty about it, because all my coworkers were here slaving away on time as always. I hate to think of letting them down.
And I would appreciate an on-site gym. Very much. Oh, and I'd like hours of the day allotted to me to work out, so I don't have to do it during my lunch break, since there really isn't enough time to work out, eat, shower, and get back to work. Hmm. I would also like some plants in my office, a stereo, and the ability to flex my schedule more. Right now, since they don't have a way of tracking off-hours, they require that I'm here every day until 5. Never mind that I'm on salary and that I worked for several hours that weekend, or stayed late twice that week. It used to be okay. I could just say "look, I was here until 8 PM on Monday, I'm going to ditch out early on Friday" and that was okay. But now we have a new person in the administration who doesn't like that. It pisses me off.
There are some things that are easier to do at home. One of them is writing proposals. If I'm in my office I get bothered by a phone call or a visitor every few minutes some days. They are unnecessary disturbances, not urgent most of the time, but I have to deal with them, and it makes me inefficient. I also prefer to practice delivering speeches and presentations at home, because I feel like a dork doing it at work.
But I don't get rewarded for that extra effort anymore, so I think I have to stop doing it. For instance, it ought to be just fine that I was a little late this morning, because I worked this weekend on my presentation materials. It doesn't fly, though. *sigh*
