So I accepted that it was part of him, and that he's really quite a moody fellow, and I wasn't worried.
I did miss his smile, though. Nothing can light up my world quite like his smile. It's very dear to my heart. I'd been rather pining away for it, and then last night when I got home, there it was!
He was happy, and joking around with me. Even though he had a crappy day, we smiled and laughed together. We stayed up a little bit late, and enjoyed being together.
Honestly, I think this has been part of the reason I've been having so much trouble with how much time he and I do and don't spend together lately. Friday night when we went out, he was still in that grumpy, withdrawn, closed-off mood. I don't know how to deal with that. I had a good time, but I couldn't tell if he was enjoying himself or not. I don't get a two-way feeling that couples get when they are enjoying each other's company. He didn't look at me a whole lot, and didn't seem terribly interested. It makes me feel like we aren't connecting, or something, and disheartens me because I don't feel like I can make him happy, no matter how hard I try.
Well, I can't. He assures me that for the mood he was in, he had a good time on Friday night. I just can't read him when he's like that. I have to learn to deal with it, though, somehow. It's helpful that I know now that he won't be like that all the time. I was afraid somewhere in the depths of the tenderer parts of my heart that all the smiles and happiness we had experienced together were part of the newness of the relationship, and that they were a thing of the past. I'm glad I was wrong about that.
The only thing that spoils it for me is that I suspect the thing that broke him out of that rotten mood was something I really hate to think of. He said he was tired of being grumpy and out of sorts, so on the way home last night he bought a pack, and smoked a single cigarette. He (of course) immediately felt better. His hypothesis is that after so many years of sitting in the room while his friends chain-smoke, he has gotten addicted to second-hand smoke. I don't know if that's really possible or not, but he definitely hasn't been exposed to that environment in quite some time.
I don't think one cigarette in 6 months is a big deal. I only worry that it will become more frequent, and honestly, no offense to anyone out there, but I think smoking is disgusting. You know how some vegetarians feel nauseous at the sight of meat? Well, the sight of people lighting up makes my tummy turn. I have no idea why, it just grosses me out. I would hate it if Forest made a frequent event of it. I also think it would be extraordinarily unhealthy for him in a hundred ways. I seriously honestly hate to see *any* of my friends smoke, not to mention the one person in my life I'm really close to.
I actually knew Forest would occasionally smoke before, though. On a long drive if he's falling asleep he will light a cigarette and a few hits will keep him awake until he gets home. So I shouldn't worry about his becoming addicted or anything icky like that. At least he feels it's disgusting, too, and won't even consider letting anyone smoke in our house or near Kirstin. That's a good thing.
Speaking of Kirstin, I'm really discouraged by her continued school problems. We've been working our asses off this year, and her dad and I have both given up large parts of our lives to devote ourselves to helping her with school, and she is still having trouble. I know she is working hard, too, and is getting just as frustrated as we are. Further, my good little girl, who is intelligent, compassionate, and always well-behaved, is developing a pretty severe self-esteem problem that really alarms us! She seems to be convinced that she's not as good as the other kids in school, and every time she gets a bad grade on a paper, it gets worse.
Now, as if to pour salt in the wound, her teacher has instituted this "behavior contract" system with the kids. Each student's performance is assessed every hour of the day. Yesterday, for instance, Kirstin had stars in every hour except for in the 9-10 period. In that period it says "trouble focusing".
The adjacent comments read: "9:00 not prepared (2nd reading book gone). She is very inattentive, has no idea what the big reading story is even though discussed it in reading Wed thru Fri. plus direction sheet given out Friday the 17th. She seems even more inattentive than before."
This pissed me off in a big way. How is my little girl supposed to interpret these comments when she reads them? The phrase "has no idea" is not kind, it's not professional, and it's slanted in such a way that if I read that about myself, *I* would be offended. It's not like these sheets are private, they are handed to Kirstin, who has to bring them home to her parents.
It's obvious to me from the tone of these comments that the teacher was frustrated. It is, however, completely unprofessional and inappropriate to vent that frustration in this manner. I often think Kirstin's teacher is too emotional, but this goes past my limit. I don't feel like the teacher is on Kirstin's side, I feel like the teacher views Kirstin as an obstacle to be surmounted. It's just wrong.
And if she is writing comments like that down in an unprofessional manner, who knows what she is SAYING to Kirstin in class every day? It's no wonder Kirstin is developing a fucking self-esteem problem.
Grrr. Mama-bear want to go maul herself a teacher.
I still haven't found a replacement for our babysitter, and it's really starting to worry me. After some thought, I just don't think Kirstin's ready to come home to an empty house yet. It's not that I don't think she could handle it, I'm sure she would be fine. I only worry about how she would feel, all alone in our big empty house. It always feels cold when you first walk into it and it's dark and empty. I'm not sure Kirstin would know how to shake that feeling off and warm the place back up.
The local day care agencies don't like the idea of filling one of their slots with a kid who will only be there three days a week every other week. I can't say I blame them. It's really not profitable at that point.
There has got to be some solution, though. It's only an hour and a half, 6 days a month. How hard can it be to find someone who's free then, and within the Eaton Rapids school bus area?
Heh heh. Maybe I'll see if Andy can hire her at the greenhouse. She could help pet poinsettias for $1 per hour or something.
I am thinking of asking her great grandma Collins if she would like to see Kirstin on those school days. I should consult Bill first, though, because great-grandma is probably 90 years old, and I don't know what level of activity she's up for. It's a thought, though. She lives just downtown across from the grocery store, I'm sure the bus goes to her neighborhood.
It's frustrating to have to rearrange this stuff in the middle of the school year, especially because Kirstin already has a complicated after-school routine. Knowing which bus she needs to get on is pretty confusing, and it amazes me that she gets it right all the time. Tuesdays she goes with my mom to choir. Wednesdays she goes to her dad's for violin lessons. Mondays, Thursdays and Fridays she either goes to the babysitter or to her dad's house, depending on the week. Now I'm going to shake up that schedule by having her take a different bus to a different sitter for one week, then she has spring break, and then we will have to get into it all over again. Yuck.
This Thursday night is Kirstin's honors choir concert, and I'm bummed that I will once again be going alone. Forest has Judo class that night. Oh, well. Maybe I'll see if any of the Lansing gang wants to come down for it. Then again, I'm not graceful in the company of 70 howling elementary school kids. It's probably just as well that there are no witnesses to my duress. My mom claims that I do a good job with them. I can't imaging what insanity it would be to have to do that all the time, though!
Today I want to quit my job, sell my house, run out and get a job working quaint dinner theatre in some small town, never to return. Everyone can visit me on Wednesdays when it's bingo night or something. No, no, I'm not running anywhere. My job is just driving me nuts this week. It's one deadline after another, but a hundred interruptions every 5 seconds! Can't everyone see that my door is closed and I'm typing diligently?
Speaking of which, I really ought to be typing in my Pagemaker window right now. Bye.
