Why do I have to be so damn overwrought?

Sometimes I hate that I cry so easily. Sometimes happy things overwhelm me to tears. Sometimes sad things do. Sometimes I cry with confusion, sometimes with pain. I don't generally do this around other people... try as I might to be honest with them, my heart for some reason doesn't let most people affect it that much. My own thoughts, though, when they resonate from empty walls can often bring tears. I also cry in front of Forest, because he's close enough that I don't have any barriers keeping him from it.

I shouldn't regret that openness. I shouldn't feel bad about letting him know my innermost feelings and thoughts. But in a way, I do. When I cry in front of him, he feels terrible. He thinks it's a huge deal, no matter how small and insignificant the reason for my tears. This morning I had been missing small shows of affection. This has been a hard week, for that, because he's been sick, and hasn't been sleeping well, which means he's been really tired. I've been stressed out at work. It makes me want more physical comfort. More hair-petting, hand-holding, and general contact. I need to be reminded that I'm human after work days like that.

His being sick means that he doesn't generally want to be touched, and doesn't feel like touching me. And actually, sometimes when he's perfectly healthy, he's just not in the mood for that. It doesn't come as a suprise to me in any way. It was, however, making me question things. The back of my brain was niggling away at it. Was there something wrong besides his being sick, or just not in the mood for it? Maybe he didn't like me when I was stressed out, or thought I wasn't handling my work life well. Maybe he was just not in the mood, maybe he was tired of me wanting to touch him so much?

As I write this, I think maybe I just plain have too much time on my hands to think about stupid little minute details. Hindsight's amazing.

So last night while we were out, I rather gracelessly asked if when we got home, I could get a little display of affection. He said he was tired, and maybe some snuggles would be all he could manage. That was fine with me. We got home, and he rolled over with his back to me and started to go right to sleep. I can't blame him, I know he's exhausted. I asked if I could hold his hand, and he let me. I got mostly asleep before he pulled away.

In the morning, he snuggled me, and it felt so good that I dissolved into tears. I couldn't help it. I'd missed being in his arms. He feels like he is affectionate to me all the time, and I feel like it's not as much as it used to be... or rather that it's getting one-sided. I'm always reaching out and running my fingers through his hair, petting his hand, kissing him lightly on the cheek. It's who I am, I'm an affectionate person. He says I'm being silly, that he returns my affections. For some reason, I'm just having some sort of trouble with perception.

What is it with me, and this greed? Why can't I just relax and enjoy what I have, why do I have to always compare it to things before? Why do I always want more, more, more? I haven't felt like he's been as affectionate toward me since he found out that I'm not what he thought I was.

So does that mean that I'm not good enough for him, that he's not in love with me anymore?

See, here I go, being overwrought again. Of course I'm good enough for him. He loves me dearly. He shows me that all the time. Why do I have to get so disproportionately wierd about it?

Probably because he's the single most important thing in my life, ever, and I just want to live to make him happy. That's pretty damn disproportionate in itself.

So this morning I cried while I told him that I had missed these little things, the way he pets my hair, and looks in my eyes, touches my cheek, and melts in front of me. I hurt his feelings.

I didn't mean to hurt his feelings. I wasn't trying to say that he was doing anything wrong. I was honestly trying to tell him how I felt, so he would know exactly what my needs were, and how I wanted things to be. I think it's good to be straight with someone about what you want from them. That's what I was trying to do.

But he was immediately hurt. He took it as my being miserable, despite his thinking we had a good time this weekend. Everyone who knows me knows that Forest makes me happier than anyone I've ever been with, probably happier than I've been, period. I'm not miserable. At all! He just seems to touch the dearest, tenderest part of me, and after I'd been craving that snuggle, longing for it, I just couldn't stop myself from crying when I got there.

I tried to explain the difference; that I wasn't miserable at ALL, but bungled it terribly. I wish I hadn't been crying, because I could have made more sense, and he wouldn't have felt so badly, I don't think.

Then I was crying because I had made him feel bad.

So what is this catch-22 about? He wants me to tell him my every single feeling and thought. If I want something, I should say so. If I feel something, I should say so. He wants total honesty. On the other hand, whenever I tell him how I feel, if it isn't a hundred percent positive, he is hurt by it?

It's natural to have some negative feelings. I am not just an unending ray of sunshine, sometimes I'm going to be confused, unhappy, homesick, disappointed, or in this case, I was longing for something. It doesn't mean that it's his fault, and it doesn't mean that I'm unstable or insecure. Overall, I'm a happy, secure individual. I generally feel good about my life, but occasionally get stressed out, occasionally am unhappy, or whatever. Why does he take that personally? I try to tell him that he hasn't done anything wrong, but it doesn't seem to get through to him.

Maybe he'd understand it if I explained it in terms of acceptance. I accept that he's not always going to be happy. He is a moody sort of fellow. I see him sad, lonely, irritated, detached, depressed, tired, and miserable quite often. I also see him happy, playful, sweet, loving, affectionate, open, and sappy sometimes. It took me a little while to get used to the things I perceived as bad feelings. Then I learned that it's normal for him to be like that, to have ups and downs, and so on. I learned to accept it as part of him. I don't take it personally, even if it's related to me. I think I even learned to love it about him.

Maybe I need him to do the same thing? Am I showing him my ups and downs now? It really is okay if I cry. He says it isn't okay if I cry, because it means there's something wrong.

It's a pretty major difference of opinion.

Maybe this is part of why our communication has changed. We're somehow operating on different wavelengths now, whereas before we were somehow magically synched up. Communication automatically happened. Maybe we started rejecting each other's signals.

"I'm mildly unhappy today," says subconscious B to subconscious A.

"No, you can't be saying that, because that would mean something wrong between us, or that I have done something wrong." says subconscious A in reply.

"I perceive that you don't accept me, it's like you're saying something is wrong with ME, because I'm unhappy, or you're trying to negate my feelings by claiming responsibility for them." subconscious B says, and stops sending the offending signal, because it doesn't want to upset A further.

I don't think it's something we're doing on purpose. I just wonder if it isn't part of what's getting in the way.

I wish I knew how to tell Forest that I am really happy with him, so he won't worry that every little thing that I tell him means that I'm miserable. I can't stand making him unhappy when I'm unhappy.

Anyhow, we talked this morning, and I wasn't nearly this lucid. I cried like a blubbering idiot the whole time, and I'm pretty sure I didn't explain myself well enough. He still felt hurt. I still felt like I was hurting him with my very existence.

Then it felt better, I got snuggled, and we were okay. I didn't want to leave him, once reconciled. I wanted to stay there all day, it was very difficult to get up and go to work. But dutifully, I did.

I would so dearly love to spend a day just relaxing with him. The two of us would stay at home, close the blinds, and not let the world in. For just one morning, we wouldn't have to set an alarm, we could both sleep in as long as we wanted. Then, when we got up, neither one of us would have to rush off anywhere. If we needed to talk about something, we could do it, and be done with it, and still have time to be happy together afterward, for as long as we wished.

I know Forest feels the same way I do, at least about the sleeping in and having a relaxed morning part.

This week will be another stressful one at work, and I'm hoping he'll be more in the mood to support me. It's not that I need it, I can get by without it... but it's something I want from him. Sometimes I would even like a little encouragement from the home front. "You can do it, Wendy." I get tired of telling myself that all the time.

This weekend my personal security was tested and held true. I was pretty happy about that, although Forest revealed this morning that he hasn't really perceived it yet. He had plans for much of the weekend that didn't involve me. We had little rendezvous (sp?) planned each day for each other, which was really nice. Saturday he worked all day at Olga's, then we hung out at home for a while, and he went to a concert with Pat while I went out with Shelly to see American Beauty, which was a very distrubing movie. I still don't know whether I liked it or not, but the acting was good. Afterward I picked Forest up at Denny's well after midnight, and we really enjoyed catching each other up on our days. It's kind of nice to do things apart, because it gives you something to share with the other, from your own perspective, instead of something you share as a couple.

Sunday morning we debated whether to go out to breakfast, or just stay home and sleep in for a change. Of course, we went out, because we were expected and it would be rude not to go. Forest really wanted to stay home and snuggle, though, which I had begun to crave, so I'm afraid I agreed with him. Nonetheless, we went for breakfast, then back home, and back to bed. I was really hoping for my snuggle-fix then, but poor Forest hasn't slept well all week, and was passed out cold before I even got to bed. I wasn't sleepy, so I folded laundry instead, allowing my mind to wander to other depressing things. I had a hard time waking Forest to get him off to work on time, and was so saddened by other thoughts that I asked if he'd like me to tag along for the day. I'd have been glad of his company. He didn't want that, though, and whether it was because I was thinking depressing thoughts or because he had to leave, I was teary-eyed when he left. It made him feel bad all the way to work, because he didn't realize it until he was part way there.

I didn't cry after he was gone, honest. I pulled myself together and did about an hour of Yoga, which cleared my head, and reminded me that the past really isn't worth crying about, and that I should really put those things behind me. I wrote them down, put them in a little bowl and burned them. I felt better, mostly. I didn't want to spend the entirety of my days off doing laundry again, so I did a few loads, then settled down to read a book; it wasn't long before I was indulging in a nice nap in our new (used) easy chair.

Forest got out of work early, and I think I subconsciously wanted some comfort, still, though all I knew was that I wanted to be with him, and be held. I agreed to meet him in south Lansing, and figured we'd know what to do from there. We ended up going to Cafe Latte, and each of us curling up with a good book on a comfy couch. I really wanted to be snuggled, but he really wasn't in the mood, so I chilled out about it.

Then came the true test of my security and independence. Forest had made plans to see Ninth Gate (a movie I really wanted to see) with Bridget on Sunday night, because it was the only time she had free this week. Initially I thought I might be invited along. Forest keeps telling me he wants the three of us to hang out, and a movie seemed like a good way to start. He hadn't had a chance to talk with her, though, so in the end I sat in the parking lot at the cinema with my cel phone in my lap. He was going to call me if I was invited, then I could meet them there.

I knew when he left that I wouldn't be invited, but I waited anyway, listened to my book on tape (Rainbow Six, by Tom Clancy. It's excellent and very diverting.) I planned that if he didn't call me, I'd take the recommendation of a friend, and go pamper myself by seeing a movie all alone. I wanted to see the new Madonna movie, and I knew Forest wasn't interested. I experienced the movies in a whole new way. At first, it wasn't bad. I could get whatever I wanted at the concession stand, which meant a non-caffeine, non-caloric beverage! It was nice. I only had to find a single seat, and sat in my favorite row of reclining ones, bundled under my coat, because I'm always cold in movies. I laughed out loud with perfect strangers, and didn't feel the least bit wierd about it. It was actually sort of fun.

Then the movie ended, and I realized that it sucks to go to movies alone, because you don't have anyone to talk about it with afterward. I got in my car, and listened to Rainbow some more, and managed to turn it in before incurring any late charges. Then I went over to East Lansing to meet Forest, Darcy, and a few other people at Bilbo's. Seeing a movie alone had depressed me, and not being invited along to Ninth Gate had kind of irritated me, too. I mean, come on. What are two people going to do at a movie that is so intimate that it can't be shared with a third? Particularly in the case of my boyfriend and this girl, who claims that she doesn't want to break us up, but apparently doesn't want to share him with me? It's not like they were trading confidences, they were at a movie. I trust Forest. I'm starting not to trust Bridget. It's time for her to deliver on that "not trying to break you up" thing by getting to know us as a couple for a little while. It was a mild irritation, but I really wasn't threatened by it. I had had a good enough time, and a new experience to boot. Bah humbug.

So I ordered a stiff rum and coke to get rid of the irritation. Sure enough, it melted away quickly, and Forest joined us shortly thereafter. He still wasn't in the mood to cuddle me, or really look at me. I annoyed him with my attempts to get his affection, and then was annoyed with myself. Everyone was pissed off because James and Vic stood us up, and it was probably the 3rd or 4th time they've done that lately. We had some fun, listened to some music, and I enjoyed talking to Darcy and Angie. Then we went to Denny's for some coffee (them) and OJ (me), then I the sordid tale picks up where I detailed it above, with my asking for some affection upon our arrival home.

Now, I'm off to the Store for lunch, hoping to reassure Forest by my more cheery presence that everything is okay, and at the same time, I'm already stressed by my morning at work, and will be hoping for some comfort by the time I get home. It's a crazy request. When did I become so high maintenance?