I'm completely unfocused today. I ought to be doing a ton of things for work, but am content to sit here dazedly smiling at my aardvark toy and redecorating things for no particular reason. If I were at home I'd probably be moving pictures around, or staring out the window watching the wind blow. It's that kind of day.
This week I have been determined to get to work early every day. I've been doing okay until this morning. Forest didn't wake up for the alarm, or any of the snoozes after that. I tried to rouse him, but had no luck, so I showered alone for the first time in ages, and tried again. He didn't wake up until it was time for me to leave... but then I wanted to snuggle. So I made myself 20 minutes late for work by snuggling for a full half hour, then driving like a demon to get here. So sue me.
I don't really regret it. I didn't get to see a lot of him yesterday, and I won't today, either. He's got work until Judo class, then he's picking up Bridget, stopping by the house to say hi, then going to Chicago for another overnight. I won't see him until around midnight on Friday when he gets home, and goes straight to bed, since he has to work all day Saturday and Sunday. I'm not real worried about his being gone. I'm pretty busy for the next couple of days, too. On the other hand, I sure don't feel guilty about stealing 20 minutes to cuddle.
Days like this remind me that I don't want to do this my whole life. I like my job. I really do. I just don't know if it's the career for me. I caught myself last night thinking, "Only 4 more years, and I get three weeks of vacation per year!" Do I really want to be doing this in 4 years? I don't know. I mean, it wouldn't be bad. I like my office, like my coworkers for the most part, and have flexible, nice working days. I don't end up taking too much work home, and don't have to put in much overtime. I've got all the fancy gadgets and gizmos a gal could want (within reason) and a comfy chair.
But do I always want to think for a living? That's basically what I do. I'm paid to sit around here and think up the next idea. I read about and understand new technology, and dream up ways to use it in our company. I chat with other people on the phone who are doing similar things, and help them out sometimes. Once a month or so, I actually produce something tactile. I configure a server. I wire a network. I write a paper. But most of the time, I think all day, and there's nothing particular to show for it.
I used to be very product-oriented. When I worked in publishing it was a great reward to see my work done, printed, and sitting on someone's shelf. Once in a while I long for those days. Having a project, getting it finished on deadline, and never having to look at it again is nice.
On the other hand, I liked the helping-people part of when I worked in the group home. I liked bandaging skinned knees, giving hugs, and taking care of people. I'm good at it, and I have a gentle touch. I was reminded of this last night, when Forest let me examine his sore foot. When I was done, he said it felt like a great foot massage, and I was glad to do more. I have warm, soft, nimble hands, and a sensitivity for people. It's a talent I shouldn't ignore, and shouldn't waste banging away on a keyboard all day.
Of course I don't really want to go back to school. Matter of fact, these I definitely DO NOT want to go back to school. I don't miss the headaches. I don't miss parking on campus, hiking miles to class, freezing my ears off every day. I also don't miss science professors who are trying to "weed you out", classmates who cheat, the smell of formaldehyde, the stab of a microscope. I don't miss the uncomfortable chairs in every single classroom, the lack of decent food anywhere on campus, the financial drain, the bizarre schedules that don't line up with any real job, or the disrespect of the local people toward the students.
Maybe those are all excuses. I don't know. My life just seems fairly balanced right now without all that extra junk. But I know you have to tear down the present to move on to the future, so I shouldn't be too attached to that balance.
