Actually, I did have fun with what we were doing. I just wanted some time alone with him. I tried to explain, but last night I couldn't come up with the words for why I feel that way.
He really enjoys spending time with me in groups of people. Hanging out. I really enjoy that, too.
I'm grasping at words here.
Really, I think there are two problems with it. The first is that I don't know exactly how to act when we're in groups in terms of physical contact. I haven't the foggiest idea whether it's appropriate for me to cuddle him at his grandma's house while we're watching the Superbowl. I managed to come up with this one last night, and explain it to him. He says I can hang over him all I want, just as long as we're both in the mood to snuggle. Problem solved.
The part I couldn't explain last night is that I think once in a while I need his undivided attention. It makes me feel special, and loved, and I need that. I think. For instance yesterday he took time out of the middle of his afternoon to bring me a boquet of flowers at work, and smooched me right there in my office. It was adorable, and I felt wonderful because I knew at that time he was thinking of me, not a hundred other things or people. I don't know how I'm going to explain this to him. He feels like he's at his best when he's got his mind on a hundred things, I think. He has a lot of people in his life, and gets great satisfaction from keeping constant tabs on all of them, and helping them out where he can. He divvies out his time between them carefully, and spends a lot of his other time thinking about who he hasn't seen lately, or who he really ought to call or email.
It's just a part of who he is. In a way, it reminds me of my friend Andy. Andy is a strategist, and in many ways the people in his life are like peices in a meticulous and complex game. He's happiest when everything for everyone is running along smoothly. Turns pass by and everone progresses, and he seems to hover protectively above them, willing them to stay in their proper spots. It's not that Andy will ever tell you what to do, but it is painful to him when his rook starts acting like a bishop, or his pawns movebackwards.
Forest's people are a lot like that to him, except that I think he's more vocal about it, and doesn't think of it in terms of a game. Everything is all-too-real to him sometimes, and just like Andy, when something goes wrong for them, he very nearly takes it as a personal failure.
Once in a while, though, I would like him to focus just on me. I feel incredibly selfish for saying so, but it's true. At first I thought maybe I was insecure and wanting reassurance... but I don't think that is entirely accurate. No, in fact, I know that's wrong. I feel pretty secure in things right now. The thing I need from him is this feeling I only get when we're alone together, a special sort of energy to which I have become addicted. After spending just a few hours alone with him last night, I somehow feel recharged. I have energy again, and was relatively happy heading off to work this morning, despite being tired from staying up late. I guess it just makes me feel *good*.
So what is this exactly, am I a Forest-junkie? I feel drained when we aren't alone together, and have to corner him for alone-time to get my fix?
Then again, I guess there's a certain sort of oddly beautiful logic to it. He makes me feel good.
Last night we saw Play it to the Bone. It was a really good movie, but I don't recommend seeing it if you have even a little headache going in. We both walked out with huge, throbbing headaches. There's a lot of heavy bass in the music in that movie, and it was cranked really loud. They also used a bit of percussiveness each time the boxing gloves hit their marks, which was a lot. All the noisiness aside, though - Woody Harrelson and Antonio Banderas were just plain awesome in it. Their facial expressions alone could have told the entire story. The dialogue is not to be missed, though. There were a lot of funny little lines thrown in there, and some touching ones, too.
This evening is Tae Kwon Do class, and I feel woefully unprepared. I missed practicing yesterday, and feel I will be paying the price tonight. I only hope I can keep the energy level up for it. I have made myself a calendar (conveniently located on my Yahoo! account) that emails me reminders for what I'm scheduled to practice that day, and what my personal goals and self-imposed deadlines are. So far I have already missed one day of practice. Happily I have built-in make-up time for myself, on Saturdays. If I miss something, I have to work out on Saturday, but if I'm all caught up, it's optional. Forest thinks I'm nuts for being so deadline-driven. He does things when he has time for them, and somehow manages to stay on track. I have no idea how that works. The only way I know how to accomplish anything is to plan a structure, and then try to stick to it.
