The day has only just begun, and it's already almost over. I spent part of the morning this morning driving around in the snow to make one of the upperups at the state happy with me. Mission accomplished. I should feel good about that. At the moment though, I just don't care.
I'm astounded by my own apathy. I am ordinarily consumed with things. Passionate. Involved. For instance, I ought to be looking forward to Tae Kwon Do tonight, too, but I'm not. I just feel *off*.
I think part of it is Forest's mood. He's been quite beside himself lately. I know he's really stressed out by money and because he's working too much, and doesn't have enough time to breathe. Last night he was so wound up and unsettled that he could not get to sleep, for the second night in a row, despite being completely tired out. But of course, he's tired all the time. It's awful, and I am worried about him, and frustrated because I have to live with it, there's nothing I can do about it. Believe me, I've tried. He doesn't even know exactly what's bothering him, but he feels restless and full of nervous energy, and nothing that would ordinarily divert him sounds even remotely appealing. It kills me to see him so unsettled and miserable.
It makes me feel that it's somehow my fault, although I've talked to him about it, and he assures me it can't be. I spent part of my aimless day today just being there for him, and hoping to cheer him up. We went for coffee, and he discovered that he feels there's some great decision he needs to make that is unresolved, but he doesn't know what it is. I hope he's able to figure it out soon. Neither one of us is going to feel like doing anything until he gets past this, whatever it is.
I'm also having trouble getting motivated to go to Tae Kwon Do tonight because of my own mental mess. Yesterday I tried to practice for close to three hours, and had a terrible day of it. I couldn't get my brain into anything, and although I knew exactly what I was doing wrong, I seemed to be incapable of fixing anything, or for that matter of doing anything right at all. I felt like I was walking around in an IQ dampening field or something. I'm also terrified to kick. For some reason I start, and then pull back at the last second. I can't seem to get my body to swing my feet with any amount of force. It's wimpy, and I'm pretty sure it's because of my lovely toe-smashing experience last week. I'm really going to need to get past this in a hurry if I want to keep taking the class, which I DO. Badly. I know, it sounds small compared to the problems of the world. But it means a lot to me. I overcame my natural pacifist desires several years ago when I first started martial arts. It was a struggle to be brave enough to attack someone, and it took a few months that first time. I don't want to have to go through that again.
I had a very nice long weekend, thanks to Martin Luther King day. My house is actually clean, which is lovely in itself, and I read an entire book this weekend while Forest was at work. I got to spend a few hours on Sunday hanging out with Shelly, which was fun and relaxing. I also finally got some pictures processed of my kittycat! I ought to post them, but it's that scanner thing again. Too expensive. I also got some pictures of my Forest, which made me rather smiley. Now I just need an album for all of this stuff. I think it's a sign that I take too many pictures. I have been carefully putting them in large albums since Kirstin was a baby, and I am now on my 5th one. I wouldn't want to lose even one photo for the world though. My memory is a tricky thing. I've been so busy in the past few years that events of even a month ago are foggy at best. I don't even remember movies I've seen, or some of the places I've been. I remember this thing and that about Kirstin's younger days, but I couldn't put them definitively into the right time periods without the help of a photo. I'm just not that great about it.
But I can remember every detail of every Aikido class I've taken or taught. And I can still play Moonlight Sonata on the piano, even though I learned it more than 15 years ago. I can still sing all the songs my mom taught us at the family campfire, and I can still recite entire scenes from a play I did last year. Memory is fickle. So I keep careful albums. I don't edit them, either. All the pictures of my ex-husband and Jeff are still in there, because those were the real times of my life, and I want to remember them, and treasure the parts of them that I can. They are parts of me that aren't going to go away, and my albums wouldn't be a realistic link to the lessons of my past without them.
Okay. It's time to get "psyched up" (as we would have said back in the 80's). Positive thinking. I will get out of work in less than an hour. I will hug and kiss my man, get a light snack, and go to Tae Kwon Do, where I will have an open mind to fill with learning! I will relax my body and let it do what I'm told. I will volunteer to spar, and just not kick with the bad foot. I will enjoy seeing everyone, and getting nice and stretched out. It will feel great to have warm muscles. I'll be happy to have focused activities. I have a great partner to play with who has a wonderful attitude and a contagious smile. I'm not afraid to make mistakes, and I'm not afraid to work and play.
G'night!
