I've got no rational reason for being upset. I feel terrible because I'm making Forest feel guilty just by my very existence. My feelings have just run away with themselves, and they refuse to behave. I'm not even sure exactly what's bothering me. Forest thinks that now that I've convinced myself he actually exists, I'm worried he will leave. At a reasonable level that certainly isn't the case. I'm not feeling fear of abandonment, or at least I don't think so.
But I know that the feeling in the pit of my tummy started yesterday, when I asked why he'd been a bit irritable, and he said he needed a little time to himself. No, I take that back. I was fine during that part. I even honestly felt he was right, and that he *should* take some time to himself. I've been telling him that a lot lately. He works too much, and hasn't had time for anything other than work and planned events since before Christmas. I worry about that.
No, the lead hit the bottom of my stomach when he suggested he should go out with our friend Bridgette last night, and I shouldn't go along. See, originally we were all three going to go out together, then all of the sudden I was uninvited. But this had happened once before, and I felt bad about it for a week, and didn't want to say "no" to him about it.
Last time was a couple of weekends ago, when I had been planning on going with him and his dad and brother to see Mr. Ripley. When I heard that his brother really didn't want me along, and I started to say I should just stay home, and the three of them could spend some quality time, I got this same kink in my stomach, and lost control of my feelings then, too. I felt like a jerk for having such a tantrum when poor Forest just wanted to go out with his brother, and I was too much of a schmuck to handle that gracefully. I really think he *should* spend time with his family! At the time I thought I was just lonely in general, and freaked out because I dreaded another lonesome day. He felt so bad about it that he invited me along anyway, and I think we got his brother in trouble with his girlfriend, because she wasn't invited, too.
So this time I managed to do the right thing, and encouraged him to go out with Bridgette, and have some fun. I didn't freak out or get funky. I was a little bummed that we weren't all lovey-dovey in the car, because I knew that was all I was going to see of him for the rest of the day, but we'd both had rotten days at work, and weren't really in the mood. Then I made him feel bad for saying so. *sigh* When he dropped me off at home at 6:00 PM, I managed to be a reasonably good sport, and wrestled my stomach to a halt so I could industriously clean my house, and then plunked myself down to study bell choir music. It wasn't so bad. He even called me around 8, which put a big smile on my face, but then of course he had to eventually stop talking on the phone, so I buried myself in my music again.
Then it was bedtime. I had a headache and still felt like I had swallowed a fist-sized lump of cold iron. I started to get really lonely, but just buried my face under my Pinket, ignored it, and went to sleep. Leeloo was a very nice kitty, and helped me out with that.
The worst part of all of this is that I know it's completely unreasonable. Forest spends more time with me than he has to give sometimes, and I know I'm the top priority in his life. I also know that he (like me) needs time to regroup sometimes, to think different thoughts, to do a little growing, and to relax. It's not overly often that he needs this, but he does. It's not asking a lot. I've been trying to encourage him to take some time for those purposes, too, however I was suggesting some time out of work, and he's not into that idea, because work is money, and we need money. I've also successfully not been a freak on several previous occasions when he has gone out before. I honestly didn't feel the least bit stressed about them, except that I asked him to call if he was going to be out too terribly late, so I wouldn't worry. That's reasonable, I think.
It seems to me that it's just the times when I feel like he's taking time specifically away from our time together that gets painful. In both the gut-wrenching cases, I was planning on going out with him, and looking forward to it with my usual level of happy anticipation. I love to spend time with him so much that I tend to spend a great part of the day before daydreaming and mooning about it. Then on these two occasions when plans were called into question, I lost it.
It's clear to me that I have GOT to do something about this. I just don't know what. Maybe I ought to go get some regular night/weekend commitment that will guarantee him some time that I'm busy and he's not, so he can count on it in advance. If I do something that will pull in some cash, I could even maybe talk him into taking an afternoon off one of his jobs to chill out. I don't know. For crying out loud, he works 7 days a week, it's just too damn much for any person to do.
I'm irritated with myself for being in this position. Why do I have to cause myself pain by wanting too much of a good thing? I'm not the kind of person who will eat herself sick on cookie dough just because it tastes good. I enjoy a few bites here and there, and then I get on with things.
I'm not getting anywhere with this. Maybe it's something he and I will have to work out together.
