PANIC TRAMP -smells of- GIN
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Looks like Lady Luck is smiling upon our dashing hero, as he stumbles across Smokey Jane! Panic Tramp is happy as Jane is his eyes on the street, and knows WHAT'S GOING DOWN. "Jane! I need your help!" he says "I'm looking for GIN!!!" "GIN!?" she cries "I AM ONLY HAVING THE CIGARETTES!!! DO YOU WANT A CIGARETTE?" "Er, no thank you." says Panic, "I really have to get my hands on GIN!" Panic is a little cheesed off with Smokey Jane. "You never fail me, Jane. You're my Louis Lane, the Robin to my Batman, the Wingnut to my Screwloose!" Panic Tramp implores Jane, sneakily pleased he slipped in a pop-culture reference to two slightly more obscure characters of Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles lore. "I CAN NOT BE HELPING YOU THIS TIME PANIC!" she regretfully informs our bearded wonder. "I THINK BOBBY WAS IN THE NEXT TOWN OVER AND YOU KNOW HOW MUCH HE GETS AROUND, MAYBE HE CAN HELP YOU." This news serves as some consolation, so Panic gets on his way... |
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Panic Tramp walks and walks and walks and WALKS which is definitely NOT MUCH FUN. Plus it's starting to rain and there's still no sign of either Barry Norman or the mysterious GIN. But just as Panic's about to give up hope, along trundles the unfeasibly happy Bobby The Jolly Jallopy. "Hey there my fucking bitch slap!" screams the lurid clown car "I hear you're searching for a mysterious GIN character?" "Yes I am, Bobby. Can you help me?" answers Panic Tramp. "YES I FUCKING CAN I AM A RAY OF SUNSHINE." the plastic car gurns "I didn't see Barry Norman, though, just a mysterious something, hmmmm yes." "How vague, I have come this far, so you may as well point me in a random direction." "My mouth speaks the truth, but my arse farts lies." parps Bobby. "Go over....THERE" so Panic does... |
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Even more confused than on a normal day, Panic heads in the direction Bobby pointed out. He travelled for 4 hours through the pissing rain and some scary woods. In the middle of the woods, he stumbles across a tiny tiny face growing out of the ground. "Hey tiny face," he says. "Have you seen GIN?!" "Don't look so twitchy." shrugs the face. "I think you should just continue on your way." Luckily, Panic Tramp takes two giant steps and finds himself on the edge of the woods. FACING A GIANT BOTTLE OF GIN! "Holy moley, I can't believe I didn't see you ages ago, you're huge! Fucking Jesus!" "WELL WELL" booms GIN "FINALLY YOU 'FIND' ME HA HA HA YOU PITIFUL FOOL." "What do you mean?!" seethes the reluctant hero "And where's Barry Norman!?" "YOU ARE NOT FRIENDS WITH BARRY NORMAN AND YOU ONLY SEE ME AS I AM BORN OUT OF YOUR ADDICTION TO GIN." "No way.." gasps Panic Tramp "That can't be true!" "OH BUT IT IS HA HA HA YOU NEED GIN AND I WAS CREATED HA HA HA I AM YOUR GOD NOW BWAHAHAHAHHAAHAAHAAAHHHAHHHHAHAHAHAH!!!!!!" NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!...is this the end for our food starved and dehydrated hero? WHO KNOWS?!?! |