RAWHEAD REX - DVD review

The story starts with three Oirish farmers trying to move a large stone pillar from a field. Despite heaving away with a tractor it isn’t budging, so two of them give up and go home, leaving the third farmer (who’s field it is) to grunt and strain against the pillar himself.

Whilst this is going on, the action keeps cutting to people in a local church, singing hymns. By the size of the congregation, it’s fair to say no-one lives in this town or doesn’t care about church as there’s about 10 people there, and one of them’s smirking, the ungodly cow. The priest leading the singing is a bit shifty looking, and we’ll soon see what a complete freak he is – but first, keep an eye on that lady rearranging the flowers on the altar... Now let’s see how Farmer Paddy’s getting along: Hmm, by his own mighty shovel, Paddy’s managing to move the stone pillar. How strange. What’s this? Smoke starts leaking out of the ground and a thunderstorm starts. We all know that these are not good signs, so what does Paddy do? He watches as the pillar topples over. And…the lady rearranging the flowers in the church screams as red light burns her. And…RAWHEAD REX APPEARS! BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAAA!!! There he is, all dusty and plastic looking>>>

One thing that makes this film stand out from other similarly themed Horror films is having the main monster appear, in full, within the first 10 minutes. Plus, he is pretty impressive. At least seven feet tall, muscles like rock and nipples like bullets. Despite having a big plastic head, Rawhead does have some impressive features; notably blazing red eyes and a mouth-within-a-mouth. So what does a fearsome monster, who’s being buried alive for thousands of years, do now he’s woke up? Why, go hide in the woods of course, the big poof.

Back in the church, the American photographer (Howard) bumps into Shifty Vicar>>> Look at him. “Hmmm” he’s thinking, “Why’s that Yank in moi church? Feckin’ eejit.” Well Shifty, Howard’s there cos he’s researching ancient religious sites, and that church of yours quite possibly stands on the site of one. Shifty Vicar (who’s really called Declan, as if you care) gives Howard the cold shoulder, and once Howard’s gone, looks at a weird stained glass window that has the likeness of Rawhead upon it. Two red lights are beaming from the window, and I guess they warp Shify’s mind, as he starts laughing. Note, however, his facial expression. That’s before he talks to Howard. Once he’s evil, he looks just the same. In fact, that expression is on his face FOR THE WHOLE FILM. I guess the actor can only do ‘sneaky’ and ‘malevolent’. Or 'enquiring' and 'dubious'.

So, Howard makes his way to the main Reverend’s house; a Reverend Coot. I think he looks a bit like TV weatherman Ian Mccaskill.

Howard talks with Rev. Mccaskill about his book, and the Rev is dubious of his church having anything to do with druids, but is nowhere near as fruity as Shifty Vicar. After a bit of a chat, Howard makes his way back to the local inn. There we meet his family. There’s his wife Elaine, young son Robbie and six-year old daughter Minty. For crying out loud, the only Minty I know is the band (“My mind is like a plastic baaaaag”). The poor kid. She’s going to have some issues when she’s older, what with kids asking if she’s Fresh, Spear or PepperMinty [hahaha i am very original], and shouting “Plastic! Plastic! Baaaaag!” at her. Howard’s chatting with his missus, blah blah blah. In the meantime, a farmer’s killed by Rawhead (who was hiding in his shed) and chases the farmer’s wife through the house. Someone soon realises that no-one’s heard from either of them all day, the police are called, and the woman’s found in a corner of the house. She’s a gibbering wreck. Seems Rawhead just enjoyed scaring the holy shit out of her. It’s all very mysterious. I’ll start missing stuff out, so I can get to the good stuff.

more tea, vicar?