...no thanks, I've been supping tarts all morning
Rawhead Rex takes his kills into the woods, and has a corpse picnic. It’s all rather civilised. Anyway, there’s a young couple who are messing about in the woods. Yep, that’s IN THE WOODS, and sure enough Rawhead attacks them. Serves them right though, and do you know why? DO YOU? They were starting to have sex. Ah ah! You see? But not only that, but they were GYPSIES, dirty thieving gypsies. Yes, gypsies. An Irish film’s not complete without it’s gypo’s. Oh what’s this? Rawhead’s base is right next to a caravan park! This is too good to be true. TAKE THAT, GYPSIES!!!Would you believe it? Howard’s taking a walk when the young couple are attacked and sees “something”. He tells the police the next day he saw a ‘big beast man thingy’ and obviously gets jeered at. The next day, he and his family go for a car ride and stop while Minty has a piss. She screams, they rush over, it’s just a dead rabbit. Big deal. Stupid Minty. Howard’s attention’s drawn back to the van and he rushes over. On no, little Robbie’s been taken by Rawhead. Serves him right, really. He had pretty big ears for an eight year old, so I bet ol’ Rawhead just grabbed him by those and lifted him like a human teapot. Howard’s family are naturally full of grief, so he goes to the police and has a proper wobbly. “THERE’S A FUCKING MONSTER FROM THIS TOWN’S PAST!!!” he screams “AND HE ATE MY SON!!!!”. The police (who are actually quite helpful after all, now a child’s been eaten) say ‘How now brown cow’ which is Irish for 'sorry, all we can do is wait'. Howard goes to the church, get’s freaked out by Shifty Vicar, tells Reverend Mccaskill that he knows a monster is killing the locals, then leaves.
- - - - - - -
Now we cut back to the caravan park, where Rawhead appears and starts kicking the fuck out of gypsies like it’s going out of fashion. I suspect the council would find him quite useful to evict gypo’s from their cricket pitchs and parks.
- - - - - - -
Rawhead’s going nuts, like The Ultimate Leery Irishman ™. It’s at this point we are treated to the only thing thus far missing from the film…Tits. Yes, tits.
The film is complete: scary plastic faced beast-man, randy young people, and now boobs. The police turn up, and the main Inspector and his sidekick drive off to try and catch up with the monster. They do, but Rawhead does something with his animatronic nose and brainwashes the Inspector. Cut back to the church, where Shifty is prasing Rawhead. Rev. Mccaskill hears a commotion and spies on Shifty as Rawhead either pisses or jizzes on him. It’s pretty yucky. Scared to death, the holy weatherman legs it in a spastic kind of run that clearly isn’t going to get him very far. Sure enough, Shifty catches up with him, tells the Reverend that Rawhead “is God” then laughs like this: “AH HA AH HA HAAA” but a bit faster. It’s a short sharp “I’M BLOODY FECKIN’ LOONY” laugh, make no mistake. He then utters these immortal words, to show how evil he’s become: “Get upstairs Fuck-Face, I can’t keep God waiting.” HE’S A NASTY PIECE OF WORK!!! POTATO!!!!
- - - - - - -
Now we’re approaching the weird ending…The police turn up, have a bit of a good old scrap, the possessed Inspector torches a bunch of cars, and Howard finds a mysterious relic that should be able to stop Rawhead Rex. Not bad, hoi ta toi toi toi!
Shifty get’s his neck eaten by Rawhead, and Howard discovers the relic doesn’t actually work. Oh shit. He’s knocked about a little bit, before his missus grabs the artefact and all weird stuff starts to happen.
There’s Howard, cowering in fear. Or is it wonderment? I’m not sure. What you see goes on for like 10 minutes, and doesn’t really make much sense. I suppose it’s mystic forces, or something. Dum de dum. I shan’t spoil the end of the film; suffice to say, when it ended, I was expecting something to happen, it did, and in a strange way I was glad. Try and get hold of a copy yourself to find out. Yes, you. Go on. Okay then, overall: big monster, moderate gore, and dodgy ancient relic.
RATING: Where’s me pot o’ gold?