How CC Offed Krycek

(apologies to Dr. Seuss)



DISCLAIMER: You think I'm going to tell you _he_ owns them after what he did? Uh-uh, no way!

Every fan
Out in slash-ville
Liked Krycek a lot...

But CC
Who lived out on the beach
He did NOT!

CC hated Alex! Never mind he was quite pleasing
Now, please don't ask why. No one quite knows the reason.
It could be that his head wasn't screwed on quite right.
It could be, perhaps, that his shoes were too tight.
But I think that the most likely reason of all
May have been that his plotlines were two sizes too small

Whatever the reason,
His plot or his shoes,
He stood there at Season 8, having to choose
Staring down from his cave with a sour, creator's frown
At the warm lighted windows below in their town.
For he knew every fan in slash-ville out there
Was setting their VCR waiting for Alex to air.

"And they're wearing black leather!" he snarled with a sneer.
"Tonight's the finale! It's practically here!"
Then he growled, with his tanned fingers nervously drumming,
"I MUST find a way to get rid of that Krycek and make Mulder quit slumming!"
For, tomorrow, he knew all those he would malign
Would wake up bright and early. They'd rush to get on-line!
And then! Oh, the rumors! Oh, the rumors! Rumors! Rumors! Rumors!
That's one thing he hated! The RUMORS! RUMORS! RUMORS! RUMORS!

Then the fans, young and old, would sit down to a chat.
And they'd chat! And they'd chat!
And they'd CHAT! CHAT! CHAT! CHAT!
They would start on what Krycek wore, and then what he said
Then wonder if Mulder was giving him head!

They'd do something he liked least of all!
Every fan down in slash-ville, the tall and the small,
With keyboards a'clicking
They'd type with two hands. And the fans would start ficcing!

They'd fic! And they'd fic!
AND they'd FIC! FIC! FIC! FIC!
And the more CC thought of the fans' Krycek-fic
The more CC thought, "This whole thing makes me sick!
"Why for over six years I've put up with it now!
I MUST make Krycek pure evil!
...But HOW?"

Then he got an idea!
An awful idea!

"I know just what to do!" CC laughed in his throat.
And he wrote up a script and sat back to gloat.
And he chuckled, and clucked, "What a great X-Files trick!
"With the end of this season, there'll be no need for Nick!"

"This idea's a definite winner."
CC typed with speed.
But couldn't decide how to do the foul deed.
Did that stop old CC....
No! CC simply said,
"If I can't find a reason, I won't give one instead!"
So he called AD Skinner. Then he took out a gun
And he gave it to Walter, saying "This will be fun."

He threw some aliens
And some gross severed heads
In the effects budget
And he settled back in bed

Then CC said, "Roll tape!"
The ep started to play
In the homes where the fans
Sat awaiting the day

When their Alex would be shown for the man he could be
Beloved of Fox Mulder and all around hottie

When he came to the first commercial break in the show
"This is stop number one," the old Surfer Dude hissed
And he tossed out more twists and turns from his fist.

He had Alex take off, leaving Skinner alone
To face Billy Miles that alien clone
As Walter raced toward him down that long Bureau hall
Alex was set up for another moral fall
Not opening the doors for AD Walt Skinner
Was sure to show folks Krycek wasn't a winner

As Scully and Reyes drove deep in the South
Doggett listened to Adam Baldwin shooting off his mouth.
Our Johnny's hometown could bring anyone down
Is it now any wonder why he always does frown?
As he ran with the plot, old CC risking libel
Pulled out all stops and called up the Bible

When Monica saw a great star in the sky
She felt an off vibe, but she couldn't lie
She cleaned out that gross old room quick as a flash
You'd think, if you saw her, she did if for cash

Billy Miles showed up, and he looked sort of hot
But the game warden chick finished him off with one shot

Back at the Bureau, Mulder started to stew
So much could go wrong, and his Alex was gone too!
While in the garage, he spotted a car
He sent Doggett inside, now Krycek wouldn't go far.

CC heard a knock on his door and peeked out
He spotted a fan, who then started to pout
She looked at CC, then she sniffled and started to cry
"Chris Carter why? Why are you planning on having Krycek die?"

But, you know, that CC was so smart and so quick
He thought up a lie, and he thought it up quick!
"Why, my sweet little fan," the old surfer dude lied
"Its for the good of all you see. With Mulder soon gone, he has no reason to be."
"So off he will go to a far better place.
"Nick Lea has other jobs and this gives him more space."

And his fib fooled the fan. Then he patted her head
And he got her a drink and he sent her to bed.
All the while snickering at the silly rat-fan,
"There's only one hero, and Mulder's the man!"

With Scully now stuck as she went into labor
Doggett needed to ask Mulder for a favor
And while Fox he chatted on his trusty cell phone
A shattered in window proved he wasn't alone

And the look on his face went from glee to surprise
When the gun Alex held on him prompted more lies
"It's what the script says," Alex moaned out in pain
"I have to do it," was the horrid refrain

Then he was forced to recite some pure crap
Related to the fact the whole thing was a trap

The agonized look in our dear Krycek's eyes
Said more than words, just where his heart lies
Even though his true feelings, he's learned to disguise

CC shouted of contracts and also of suing
While inside Krycek's head an idea was brewing
Never be without backup plans one, two and three
For him to survive this he had to ditch CC
While Mulder stood there, warily watching
Alex spouted out lines with no fear at all of botching

Reyes proved to be handy with a pan of hot water
While the game warden turned out to be nobody's daughter
While Scully inside she turned white as a sheet
This labor thing really it wasn't a treat
Skinner arrived and shot our poor rat
In his one good arm, there was no call for that!
And all the fans out in shash-ville they all cried boo hoo
For they knew what Walt was now supposed to do

"That's a noise," grinned CC,
"That I simply must hear!"
So he paused. And CC put a hand to his ear.
And he did hear a sound ring over the snow.
It started in low. Then it started to grow...

But the sound wasn't sad!
Why, this sound sounded angry
And it wasn't the fans
It was dear old Walt Skinner

He fired a round, shot it up in the air
And he skewered the plotline, another hole, so there!
Then he shook
When he scrambled into the black car

For Mulder was crouched before dear wounded Alex
Protecting him from old CC's further malice

"That's it, I'm gone, I've got a baby coming," Walt cried
And he slammed the car door and went for a ride

And CC, with his bony feet deep in the sand,
Stood puzzling and puzzling: "This I can't understand.
How dare they save Krycek, he's slated to die
And Mulder, not Skinner should be up in the sky
Following that light, that beacon, that star
To find Momma Scully he'll have come far
Then CC thought of something he hadn't before!
"Maybe characters," he thought, "have a life of their own
"Maybe characters, and truths I should leave them alone.

And what happened then...? slash-ville they say
That CC's small heart
Grew three sizes that day!
And the minute his heart didn't feel quite so tight,
He sat at his iMac and started to type!
And he fixed up our Alex, kept him safe from harm
And to make things even better, CC gave back his arm!

And for one final thing, to give fans what they'd missed,
CC had Mulder and Krycek end the season with a kiss.


  since 02-04-07

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