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It's three in the morning. Earlier this week I would have said that right now I'd be with David, enjoying our first night in Portland. This morning I would have said that right now I'd be crashed out in my old room at Emmett's place - guess it would have been Emmett and my place again. Ten o'clock tonight and I would have said I'd be sitting on a plane beside David, maybe asleep, maybe looking out at the stars and the lights far below us.

I never expected to be sitting in a hospital corridor, waiting to hear if Justin was going to live.

Brian's finally asleep. He's a wreck; I guess he really does care for the kid. I guess I knew that already, he certainly wouldn't have put up with Justin for this long if he didn't. I try to comfort him and it seems to help a bit, but Brian still looks much too lost for my peace of mind. It's worse then with his dad's death, worse then the funk he fell into because of his birthday, mainly because I can't do anything to fix it.

Fuck, the kid's eighteen years old. He should be out there having a good time, enjoying his prom. Actually, by this time he'd probably be at Brian's and I have a damn good idea that they'd be enjoying what they were doing. There, I thought it if I didn't say it aloud. Justin means more to Brian then a casual fuck, if he didn't, there was no way Brian would have been caught dead at a high school prom.

It's funny; I can't even bring myself to hate him any more, if I ever did. I was damn jealous of the kid - he had something I've wanted forever but probably will never have. Can I live with that? I have to. Brian's my best friend and if given the choice of that or sleeping with him and losing him, I'll take being friends.

What's not so funny is that while I don't hate Justin, that prick from his school did. How much loathing for someone do you have to feel to take a fucking baseball bat and beat them with it? Brian said he bashed the kid in the knee with it to get him off Justin. Good. I hope he's crippled for life.

Ma always told me never to say I hated anyone. It was all right to dislike people, but hatred was what led to things like the Holocaust or college students getting beaten and tied to a fence in the middle of nowhere. Hatred's the only word I can think of to describe what that kid did to Justin though. He had to have been ecstatic before that - Brian showing up at the prom, dancing with him... Brian's told me bits and pieces of it and explained it in more detail to the police when they showed up.

For that ass to take what had to have been one of the best night's in Justin's life and destroy it like this... I hope he rots in jail for the rest of his life. So he doesn't like the fact that Justin's gay? Well fucking ignore him then, asshole.

Maybe it's more than that. Emmett told me the story of what happened outside Woody's that night - that Justin told everyone how he'd jerked the kid off in a storage room and he hadn't put up a word of complaint. Maybe he saw Justin as temptation.

Great, so he deals with it by trying to kill the person who made him face the fact that he might not be one hundred percent straight. Fucking jock prick. I knew a lot of guys like that in school, but being stuffed in a locker or punched in the gut is nothing compared to having your skull fractured by a baseball bat. Besides, I had Brian there to protect me... Thank God he was there for Justin too or we might be attending a funeral soon.

I hope that doesn't happen. Please God, let him get better. I know I've treated him like shit most of the time, but he's a good kid. He's got a big heart even if he can be a smug little SOB at times.. If it wasn't for him, I don't know if Brian and I would be friends again. If it wasn't for him I don't know how a lot of things this year would have turned out. After all, how many people could have put Brian in his place like he did at the King of Babylon contest? He's got balls the size of Texas and I guess I'm just envious of him for that fact.

His mom's in with him, she has been ever since she got here. God, I don't envy her this night. Ma came by with Uncle Vic earlier. She was bawling one minute and threatening to find that little asshole and pull his dick off with a pair of rusty pliers the next. I really think she would too. She really loves her 'Sunshine'. I knew that, that's why I asked Justin to watch he for me after David and I left...

God, David. What am I going to do about that mess? I can't leave now, I don't know if I can leave at all. Would going to Portland with him help me get a life or would I simply be living his? I don't want to turn into that asshole I was after Paris again and without my family and friends, would I?

He loves me, but I'm so fucking tired of hearing that I don't need to do anything. I know he apologized before he left, but is he strong enough to change? Am I strong enough to fight for what I want if he doesn't?

I don't know what to do. Maybe I just won't think about it right now. I'll have to call him later and tell him what happened, he deserves to know. If he asks if I'm coming out, I don't know what I'll say. I can't leave right now. Brian's a mess and so is Ma. Emmett told me that Blake skipped out of rehab so Ted is on the edge of a breakdown. God, why can't things work out for any of us?

Is it because of how the outside world views us that we seem to hate ourselves so much? It may take different forms, but its still there. Brian won't let himself love anyone, Ted doesn't believe anyone can love him, David has to control everything and everyone around him, I follow along, doing whatever anyone else tells me to. Even Emmett had his bout with 'seeing the light'. Maybe its how we grew up. Justin has it a little easier, but shit, look at what happened to him. If - when he recovers, how is this going to affect how he sees himself?

There's so much bad in the world, how do you go back to a normal life when someone tried to kill you simply because of who you're attracted to? I guess it's no different than what people do in the name of religion or race, but Jesus, this hits too close to home. So much hatred...

Let him be okay, God. Please? For him, for his mom and mine, for his sister and for Brian. He needs Justin and somehow I know that if the circumstances were reversed, Justin would be asking the same thing for me. He's a good kid. He deserves a life. He deserves to live. Please let him.


  since 02-04-07

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