I would like to start this off by saying that Hercules Returns is the funniest – nay, the best – movie I have ever seen. And unless they bring out a sequel, it is likely to stay that way. Out of all all the comedies I have seen – and there have been some good ones (Bad Taste, South Park, any of the Monty Python ones are a few that spring to mind) – this has got me the closest I have ever been to pissing my pants. The only movie I have watched as much as this is Star Wars, and I watched that a lot back in the day.
What is Hercules Returns?
It is an Australian movie made in 1993, but the actual guts of it is a movie called Hercules, Samson and Ulysses (1964). The plot is fairly lame, it’s just about this guy, Brad McBain, working for an evil cinema monopoly run by a bastard. Now, McBain quits and decides to do up an old cinema (the ‘Picture Palace’) with the help of two mates. They decide to premier with the last film it ever showed – an old Hercules movie. Opening night rolls around, and it’s only now they discover their dilemma – the film is in Italian. Solution: They dub the voices. Hilarity ensues. OK, the plot is crap, but that isn’t why you are watching it. You are watching it to laugh.
Why is a bunch of people dubbing over an old Greek film funny?
Hmm… The thing is, I can’t explain it. The quotes I could write in here (see below) are barely amusing while in the film they are hilarious. It is perhaps simply the concept and execution that makes it funny – a serious muscle film with gay characters called Machismo and couples named Testiculi and Labia. Add to this the brilliant voices, perfect timing and weird-ness of the plot (Hercules, a cabaret singer, has to fight ex-strongest man in the world, Samson, to prove he isn’t gay) and you get a classic of ‘epic’ proportions (ho ho ho).
Why do I personally like this?
Another tough one. Maybe I like the ‘exclusive-ity’ of it, the fact that hardly anyone has seen this gem (maybe that’s also why I like Kid A by Radiohead, or obscure bands like Violent Femmes, but I digress). Maybe it’s because the sense of humour in this film fits so well with mine (ie it’s warped beyond recognition). Maybe it’s because this movie got me at an early age (I was 11 when I first saw it). Maybe it’s because the quotes are utterly timeless and you don’t know you’ve remembered them until they pop up at weird moments and everyone stares at you. Maybe it’s because it has people in togas (“Toga! Toga! 2000!”) and Hercules does a cool rap at the end. Or maybe – just maybe – it’s because this is one of the best movies ever made. Hire it now.
Memorable quotes:
“This is the shittiest part of the river”
“Why is this rope around me?”
“So we can tell you from the other turds”
“With all those muscles, he looks like a condom full of walnuts”
“Anyone care for a crepe while they wait?”
“I’ve just been. Oh, crepe”
“What does that man think he’s doing with his hands on my Labia?”
“Oi Raylene, have you seen Labia?”
“So will she do it?”
“She said she’d rather eat her own vomit”
“Oh yeah, she’s always doing that, but will she do it?”
“I’ll fight you on one condition: That you lower your nipples”
“Bring me some of that special goats piss mouthwash”
*Gargles, spits*
“Yummy”
“While you’re standing in that bucket, you won’t mind if I borrow this!”
“Ooh, black undies”
And more that don’t make sense unless you’ve seen it, in which case you’ll know what I’m talking about.
